I feel I should clear some things up about my spiritual beliefs. Up until recently, I proclaimed to be an atheist. Just a few weeks ago, I changed that proclamation. Now I do believe in God. I also believe that Jesus was born and died for the purpose of saving the world. That may make me a Christian (I don't know) but I do not call myself a Christian. Calling oneself a Christian does nothing but identify one with an institution, and not with God.

Certain aspects of my spirituality have fluctuated drastically throughout my life. But one thing has always remained constant - my relationship with God. Now, this may sound confusing to you, since I just recently didn't even believe in God, but God was nevertheless always there in my soul, building a powerful union with me.

The reason I did not believe in God was because the Spirit that was within me was not characteristic of what everybody I ever knew described as God. The God that I learned about in church, and from influential people in my youth, was not at all the God that was in me, speaking to me day and night. So whenever I heard the word "God," the picture of Him that came to my mind was absolutely repulsing. There was no way I could ever believe that a being like that was in charge of all existence.

I had a lot of problems because of this unbelief. My whole family believed the exact oposite from me. The spirit of judgment, guilt, shame, and uncertainty was prevalent in my childhood home. It drove me crazy. I relentlessly rebelled, which caused trouble for the entire household. Finally, after we all had enough, I moved out from under their care at the age of fifteen. I went to live with my Dad, whom I virtually knew nothing about, across the country to a place where I knew no-one.

I lived with my Dad for a short time before personal problems of his forced us apart. From there on, I fended for myself - I was seventeen. The next eight years of my life were filled with pain and struggle. Don't get me wrong; there was plenty of adventure mixed in there, but the heartache is what really shaped me into who I am now.

Throughout it all, the spirit of God spoke to me clearly. He spoke to me in visions and words. He spoke to me in signs and through other people. I became able to discern between evil and good; between truth and lies. But still that false image of God (the one I grew up learning about) seemd to be imposed on me from all sides. The two opposing forces battled ferociously inside me. I became neurotic and depressed. I alienated my friends and family. My professional life deteriorated little by little every day. My thoughts were filled with suicide and self destruction. Finally, I commited myself into a mental hospital.

The hospital was like an escape. They gave me drugs to alter my mind, and I didn't have to think or worry about the real world. In there, everything was taken care of. I was cared for and treated with kindness. Also, there were others in there who I could relate to; people hanging on to their sanity by a thread. I felt good in there, and I thought I was recovering. I thought I would be right back to work as soon as I got out.

But I was wrong. The next week (the week after I got out from my first stay in the hospital) was the last working week of my life to this day. I went back to the mental hospital a total of six more times. What I thought was the worst was just the beginning. The next two and a half years would be worse than I could have imagined. I was placed on disability and prescribed boat loads of medication that turned me into the walking dead. I still became more and more desperate, and finally resorted to suicide. By the time God interupted, I had seriously attempted to kill myself many times over. I look back now and I cannot logically explain how I didn't succeed at least one of those times.

Now, everything has changed. I am happy now. I am married to a beautiful woman. We live together and are both working towards better things for ourselves and our future children. There is no doubt that she is a gift to me from God, and I to her. God said, "Ok, Maestro, I think that'll be enough. I think you're ready now for the good part." You see, God put me through indescribable suffering beause He had a plan for me. He was molding me into an instrument of His goodness. My purpose is a specific one. I am supposed to tell poeple what He tells me. So far I have done a little of that through my songs and on these pages.

I am relieved to finally be able to say I believe in God, and know that the God I am talking about is the real one. I'll say it here like I'm sure I will say a million more times - there is nothing negative about God or His creation. There is nothing to fear. God's message is one of love and forgiveness, and He does not exclude anyone because of thier actions or beliefs.

I hope this helps anyone wondering about my recent change of pace. And I hope that maybe you'll be encouraged by reading of the battles won in my life.