Yes, I decided to volunteer myself in to the psych ward. Due to the fact that I was seriously going to kill myself. You can few that detail from my previous hub of attempting suicide. I was in my high school year as a sophmore and was ready to give up on life. Sadly, only a few people notice how depressed and lonely I was at school and tried to cheer me up. After going to the school counselor on numerous occassion, he recommended me to see a psychologist whose office just happens to be nearby. My couselor was willing to give me a ride to that office quite often.

I Need Help!

After putting up with the social service, I was hoping to be placed in a foster home for safety. He didn't believe a word I said, and still won't placed me in a home even when I told him how suicidal I was?! I was desperate to get away from this mad house. I couldn't take it anymore! I had to do something or else I was really going to follow through with my suicide plans. I thought it would be best if I get that chance to separate myself from my violent familly and just stay in a safe place, even if its the psych ward for crying out loud?!!!!!!

I decided to give my life a second chance. I wanted to experience that other green side of the grass for once. I wonder what it feels like to be loved for once. Don't I deserve it for once? So finally, I had decided to take actions about my life instead of wasting it away.

Escort to the Psych Ward

It was actually me who came up with the idea of going to the psych ward since my brother was already there from being schzophernia. I told him that I was so ready to go to the psych ward for safety. He agrees and saids that it would be the best option for now. What he didn't tell me was that I was going to be taken there by a police officer?!! WTF?! I'm no criminal! But the good thing was, that he allows me to sit on the passenger side while he smokes all the way there. We didn't have any conversation. I was so depressed and numb about the whole thing, that it didn't seemed like such a big deal to me.

Broughton Hospital

By the time we arrived, it was already dark. I was taken to the Broughton Hospital, located in Morganton, N.C. I believe it is the second largest mental hospital in the states. And also rumor to be one of the worst hospital to stay at. Upon arriving, I was searched, which was no big deal. For one thing I did not like for her to take away my snacks. I was then evaluated by this foreign doctor, who I can barely understand any of his English. I had to tell him whats been bothering me so much that I was going to kill myself. I remember telling him how sick and tired I was with my life. I was constantly tormented at home and bully at school for whatever reason. I have no friends or family who would want to be around me. I am nothing but a useless piece of #$@! Even the dogs would be treated better than some low-life like me. I want to die more than anything if it would make them happier....I remember we both had tears in our eyes.

I was then placed in a waiting room, with that same police officer. I believe he was still smoking. We waited for a while. And I was like, what's taking so long?! He said that they needed to decide whether I should be admitted in the hospital or not. I was thinking, Lord, if they don't listen to this last plea for help, I guess I am left with that one option. Luckily, I was in.

The Hospital Staff

I believe the nurse was in charge of this whole floor. She was a very serious bitch. But the one that holds the night shift was a lot nicer. I remember one of the night shift nurse gave me my first bible, and I still kept it.

For my safety, I had to be with one hospital staff at all times. Yes, even if it means crapping and showering in front of them. But they were nice to give me somewhat of a privacy by standing on the other side of the wall just a few inches away to hear me still breathing. They had to remove my shoelace from my sneakers. Guess they were afraid that I was going to hang myself. Back then wringing my neck out with something that cheap wasn't going to be easy to die. My hair pieces were taken away too. It didn't take long til day 3 when an 8 month pregnaunt staff member was tired of following me around. She wanted me to sign a contract saying that I got over my suicidal thoughts and wanted my belongings back. Good thing I didn't want to take that chance to die in a mental ward. Hmmm....

I knew I had to stay here for a while so I try to mind my manners. Before I left my house, I read through a huge book of ettiques and manners. So, I introduced myself with a handshake. The hospital staff immediately scoulded me about this no touching policy they had. I was like, oh, oops, my bad. I remember the nurse had to make these two lovely dovey staff to separate from cuddling up too much in front of me.

The Other Patients

I end up spending the next three months with a bunch of other, special girls. Some really did needed to stay here and be monitor closely while there are others who are just here because there was no room for a child to be placed in foster care or a resperate home. So in other words, they had to put up with staying with us in the nut house. Some of them girls had it so much worser than me. I managed to make quite a few friends and enemies. Those were good times. When I got use to the place, I was encouraging and helping the other girls out with their problems. Whenever we get a new girl in, I would introduce myself and ask them what they are in for, as if she's one of our inmates.

Mmmmmm...Hospital Food

We have to tell them what we were allergic to first. Being in the juvy dorms has its disadvantage too. For those girls who are over weight, was forced to be put on a diet. I remember how horrible the food was. Everything taste like milk?! Even the vegetables for some reason. Worse thing I ate were some beets. Yuck! I thought they were jello's?! If there was something that my stomach couldn't take I had to live off of a plain cold cheese sandwich with mayo. My brother was in the adult ward, and they get to smoke and eat double portion of food and have more activities available.

The Fights

There were quite a few fights that broke out for girly reasons or no reason. I don't know how many times we have to hear them hollar and slam that damn door. Ugh!

Yes, I even got in a fight. Well, not really a fight, since I didn't get her back. Who wouldn't get in a fight after staying here for 3 months? Anyways, I was playing one of those many card games with another girl. And then a girl thought that I was talking trash about her. She was yelling, you talking about me?! I looked back and saw two staff following her as she picked up one of the chairs and was about to hit my head with the chair leg, but I caught it with my hand, but it still hurts like hell from her angry impact. But what pissed me off, was that the staff didn't take the chair away from her hand before she almost knocked my head out with it?! They were order to put her in the strap room. Depending on the nurses decision, they can give her a shot to calm down or something. Later that girl apologized to me. I was like...uh yeah sure.

One of the worse case with a staff was that he left 8 of us psychotic teenagers alone in class. Worse case scenario, a fight broke out. It happened when one of the guys ends up sitting in front of the classroom for running his mouth too much or something. I was half awake, when a loud angry guy next to me shouted, what are you looking at?! I was startled, to see that guy next to me got up and push his way through the empty desk ahead and beat the living daylights out of the guy who was sitting up front. He just sat there with his arms held up surrendering to this guy punching his face out.The staff came back in, and saw the whole thing and ran back out yelling, security! We were all stunned and confused. The victim managed to walk out with blood dropping from his face. He later had 8 or 14 stitches to his eyes. I never forgot what he told us. He said that it takes a big man to start the fight, but it takes a bigger man to walk out of the fight. We were later discussed individually as witness to write down what happened and to not tell any one about it. Well, the cats out of the bag! Who would forget this mess?!

My Parents Came to Visit MOI?

I was shocked to see my parents presence in front of me. I was in a private room with them along with a nurse. The first visit was horrible. My parents spoke in our native language. My mom continues to harassed and my dad wanted me back home for the wrong reason. I was in tears fussing back at them and asked to end the visit in just a few minutes. The nurse came back and spoke with me. She didn't understand the our language, but she could tell from the way my mom behaved. So for the next visit, I had to asked my mom to leave.

Activities

Other than eat, sleep, and go to school, we did get to attend quite a few activities. I really enjoyed taking some walks in the outdoors and be in the park. For those that had earned a good amount of behavior points can attend the dance or football games. If we don't participate, then its points off. I didn't make it to one event when I had a stomach virus. But one of my favorite event was the pool place. There we can relax and do whatever without being fussed at. I think on a Friday night, if we really earned a lot of points we get to stay up late with the activity of our choice. I normally play with the nintendo 64, watch movies, or just draw if I was the only one good that week.

It's Over

So, was it worth it to stay in the psych ward? Yes! What other better option do I have? I was gonna either end my life or worse. It wasn't that bad from staying there. Thought I was gonna experience being more lonely and afraid of people, but it turned out to be the opposite. I decided to go in to foster care instead of returning to my family. I remember coming in to the hospital, depressed, quiet, shy, and wanting to die. But now I walk out as a completely new person. I managed to pull myself together and come out of my shell. I was able to express myself without someone putting me down. I was safe and took a wise choice of getting the right help. I decided to finish the next three months in my old high school and later go to college. I'll never forget this experience and the other folks I had to be in dorm with. So, this was just the beginning of the real me, myself, and I. So you better watch out, here I come!