This started with my reply to my girlfriend heather's comment on the previous blog and so shall my reply remain here.

''Actually I mention you a lot.. Just in more words.. I love you madly dearly deeply you are my inspiration for my happy blogs.. And some of my sad blogs.. But fear not because I do love you.. When I'm sad or angry it's because I feel I cant help you because I'm having trouble helping my self. I'm never angry with you only with my self..''

I realize I tend to be a bit selfish.. Even in my selflessness I have looked deeper and found selfishness.

I am nice in the hopes that others will be nice.. In this way I am selfishly seeking approval to make my self feel better about getting walked on by those who do not return my niceness.

In my anger I am foolishly seeking justification of that which should not be justified. You give, and give, and some times you get back.

They say you should give, not to get back, but just to give. That makes sense if you it makes you feel good. But even if it makes you feel bad because you are seeking some reward, then are you giving just to give?

There truly is no selfless action. With exception to one. Giving of life for another. And even in that there may be reward after death. But the reward is not thought of. Thus making it selfless.

You may be saying “What if I give just to give, without thinking of the reward?” you are lying to yourself. If you dindt think of the reward you would not be involved in giving. “Ok so what is my reward?” you'll feel happy. I never said the selfishness had to be bad. We lift up others to lift up our selves. Our selfishness is still selfishness.

These thoughts were stemed from a post I saw saying that people are bullies because it makes them feel better about them selves. My mind took this and immediately spitout “how is that different from the anit-bully?” the anti bully is not seeking fullfillment by trodding on the lesser like door mat. Instead he walks beneath providing storng foundation. One that will be crushed many times over.

Weather this crushing serves to strengthen or weaking the foundation is up to the trodden.

Two kinds of strength can be grown here. Givng us 3 types now

one strength is that of the hardened soldier he fights to cary on streight ahead letting nothing stop his path while he carries the banner..

The second strength is that of the caring nurturer. The nurturer seeks to lift and aid the helpless and guide them to self help.

The soldier must be careful not to become for steel-minded as to cut through the innocent on his path, while trying to shoulder all the burden himself.

The nurturer must be wary not to take on those who would leech on forever.

This brings us to the case most nice people fall into. They don't care if they get used. They love with such a passion, that there is NO wrong. They will carry on like the soldier and then gather more weight like the nurturer. Seem I have found a third strength. I will dwell on this more. I look forward to other's thoughts on my Zen.