My child is gay, Where did We as Parents go wrong ?

As hard as it is for a child to inform their parent / guardian they are gay. It is by no means a picnic for the Parent/ Guardian. Once the shock has worn off a little. The fact and coming to terms that their child is gay begins to sink in. As it does, there is a flood of emotions confusion, blame, self blame. Yet beneath it all is the questions that we ourselves seem to have no answer to. Why ? Where did we / I go Wrong ? It is my hope, this article will Help not only Parents who have just learnt of their child's sexual orientation but also those that suspect, or wonder about their child's sexual orientation. This article is also written from the perspective of learning your male child has same sex attraction, though it doesn't exclude girls with same sex attraction

As parents our world centers around this new perfect being we have brought into our life's and into the world. As we gaze down at this fragile bundle of joy we see and hope what their life's will be like. As parents we naturally wish only the best for our children, just as your parents did before you. We may plan out, or at least invistion the life our child will lead. Their first steps, their First word. Their first day at kindergarten, their first day of school. their first kiss, their first romance. We recoinse and know their whole life, spans out before them. When they are in pain from falling over, or upset about one thing or another. When they have a problem they can not solve or are yet to learn how to, it is we the Parents they come to seeking our input and wisdom. For as much as they are the center of our worlds, We are and will always be, even when it doesn't seem like it. The center of their world, what ever they do, or where ever they go, there is always that little voice that seeks and urns for their Parents approval. That part of them that always seeks to do right and make their parents Proud. Just as we did with our own parents. We share in their joys and delight as they learn and discover the world around them. We do all we can to protect them from harm, and when they are sick, we wish we could take away what ever pain of discomfort they are in. There simply is no pride like that of a parent as they watch their children grow, learn and develop into amazing individuals.

While many Parents say they are fine with Gay people, or have friends or work mates who's children are gay and thats all fine, You don't have a problem with it. The fact is more often than not, when we Parents find out that our child's sexual orientation is for the same sex. This all seems to fall apart in our own minds, and because it is now our own child, suddenly our perspective is turned upside down, in fact we feel as if our world has suddenly been altered into a Salvador Dalii painting, its just all to surreal.

As a Parent, it is common for you to blame yourself. For when your child doesn't turn out quite as you expected, One automatically takes responsibility  and places the blame either on themselves       ( single parents are most often found doing this)  Or blame the Partner or even the lack of a partner.

Suddenly things you felt were not so important  when your child was in their formative years suddenly become a reason or issue, or even reason as to why your child has a same sex attraction. A few examples of the Self blame Game.

"If only I had breast feed him', "If only i didn't allow him to eat so many sweets","If only I knew about child development more",  " If only I had been more  active in their sports days"," If only I had encouraged him to play more sport"." If Only I had more time with them instead of having to work so much "," If only I took more interest in his after school interests", "If only I could have been more active in his education and school life"  "If only I hadn't disapproved, of that girl he was friends with", "If Only I made sure he had a strong male role figure in his life." " If only I hadn't had so many male "Friends" searching for Mr Right.", "if Only his mother was around more", " If only I had met the right woman after his mum died"

as some of these examples might sound a bit out there, they are not. I have known parents to seek self help books, blame food , blame what the kids did and didn't watch on T.V, or these days what Interactive games, psp games they play.

Then there's the couple blame game

"If you had spent more time with your son",  "If you hadn't fussed over the boy",  " If you hadn't been so drunk so many weekends",  "If you had taken him out on the weekends for Father and Son time", " If you didn't encourage him to be part of school productions", "If you didn't Mummy him so much" "If only you had agreed to sending him to sunday school"

The blame game can go on and on, and the saddest thing about it is, No one is to blame, You did your best to bring your child up, You did all you could do, and Nothing you did or didn't do made your child have same sex attraction. So before you go beating yourself until you are emotionally Dead. Don't be so hard on yourself, or carry on with all the ifs, buts and maybes. Because this is the last thing you or your child needs at this time. I realize this won't stop you worrying or thinking, or wanting answers, and if you are in a calim state of mind and are able to.Ask your child, and if your child is not ready or able to answer all your qestions don't badger them, or reactout of frustration confusstion or anger,such qestions like " Well why not ? " How can you tell me this and then not know the reasons? " What the most important thing is you need to know ,and what you need to allow yourself to know and except, in yourself is. You and Only You could be the best parent for your child. You have nothing to blame yourself for, or about.

Your reaction to learning your child is gay, is the dominating factor of how you and your child's relationship will develop from this point forth. Though there are many grey areas with  this subject of learning your child is Gay. This is not one of them, it is simple black and white. Though relax a bit, as how you handle it, is how you communicate with your child.

So lets first deal with the black and white issue . Untimely the simple fact is you can except / learn to except your child for who they are, be thankful they felt they could do the hardest thing they will ever have to face in their life, telling you the truth about themselves, revealing to you their deepest darkest secret. Or you can not except your child. never or very ever rarely see or talk with them again, never be able to be apart of their lifes and share in their triumphs and success. Lose your child and always be left to wonder,to be left with a gaping whole in your life that you can learn to ignore, but the ache never truly leaves. That is the black and white of the situation.

Now lets look at the grey areas of learnning your child is gay. First the more difficult way of dealing with the issue.

So your child has just told you they are Gay. your intail reaction may be of anger, even disgust. It may be you are just left without words or simply to upset to deal with any more information other than they are gay.  Or maybe they told you  at your or their home. You just stormed out of the room in tears slamming doors as you go. You've just yelled at them and told them to get the *Bleep * out of your house. You've just had a screaming match in the front room and it was, at the very least not very constructive of helpful for any of those involved in dealing and understanding the situation

My point is your reaction will either make things easy or hard, but there is no burnt bridges unless you burn them. In any of these cases it is my advice to do one of two things. Let your child know you love them, yet are not in a state to talk about it any further rationally for now. Ask them for some time while it sinks in. Or if you  have slamed the phone down, once you have calm down enough call your child back and explain you acted out of hurt or angry, but you wish to be able to work and talk this whole thing through.

For those readers from the side of looking for information about how to let your parent s know, you have to understand that your parents reaction may be one that is hurtful, yet it  is more out of shock, and to allow them some time to re center themselves and their thoughts. Remember they aren't saints, they may be your Parents but they are people to.

Before I move on  I would like to touch on a couple of things  the First is Please remember and know  above all else, This is still your child, the child you helped raise and guide, who you stayed up worrying when they were sick, the child you helped when thy had problems, they are the same person you thought they were/ are. They still have all the qualities you love them for. You are still the center in their world and your love and expectance is above all else what they will always hold most dearly or forever morn its loss. At the end of the day the thing you have learned about your child is instead of having a sexual attraction to the opposite sex they just simply do not. They still seek all the things we all do, to find and love and share their lives with another. Yes the issue of grandchildren may be off the agenda, But then I know a number of Heterosexual couples they simply choose not to have child, and then there are the ones that can not have child and may have the only option of adoption, yet would you reject them if this is the case ? the reason I write and ask of this here and now is to help put in perspective the fact, that Wether your child is heterosexual or homosexual doesn't mean you will have grandchildren, Doesn't mean they will get hurt in relationships, or marry and it end in divorce, separation, Doesn't mean they find the love of their lives, find happiness, live a filling and fruitful life.

This is the other side of the reality you have just learned your child is gay.

Upset you might be, yet at  the end of the day you love your child see and respect it is their life and all you want is for them to be happy loved and lead a fulfilling life. It doesn't mean you are not upset, it doesn't mean you completely understand the whys and hows, it doesn't mean you won't cry. What it does mean is you have made a way for you to get to know your child, that you and your child's relationship will most likely be all the stronger and more positive, and get to learn from their perceptive an understanding. and maybe the most important thing, you will get to enjoy sharing your adult life's as parent and child in all its richness. As your Child will still have heart- breaks just like we all did. Will be full of joy and happiness when they found the right person to share their life's with. the benefits of knowing and being able to share and enjoy all the aspects of your child's life in their adult years is the most rewarding and most beneficial thing any human could hope to be apart of.

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In this section I shall be writing about personal experiences as some examples. So you yourself can see from an outside perspective, the cause and effect of how you as a parent ultimately react. Will effect you and Your child's Life from this point forward.

I'll begin with my own tale of telling my Mum I was gay.

At 18 i knew I was Gay, I also knew I could lead a double life, however I could not do that, could not bear the thought of causing a woman I loved, and had children with so much pain,I knew the pain and even damage I would inflict on my children and my extended family. Of corse there is the slight matter of the fact that I have never had any sexual attraction to woman. They were great friend's and that was about it.I had Male mates as well, who where stright and only one who was my best friend I told of my possible gaydom, and was able to talk with him about it, he said one day for Gods sake would you just make a move and try it and find out once and for all just so we would not have this agony discussion, which also meant he could have more time to talk about his girlfriend problems, and get my advice. He was always going out and sexually involved with at least two or more at the same time. However it wasn't until I was 22 that I felt I could tell my Mum. it took me that long to except myself to a point, and I no longer wished to live a half lie as My Mum and I have always been close. the hard thing was, I wasn't sure exactly how she would react, I didn't want to tell her at her home or my home, in case there was negative vibes and not wanted either of us to have to live with bad karma in a room, I didn't want to tell her on the phone either, as I felt she deserved a bit more respect than that. her more. However as it turns out I told her over the Phone. I would call her at least once a week to make sure she was ok ( her and My father had divorced some years before) For what ever reason I took a big breath and then asked her if she was sitting down I had something important to tell her. I ummm'd and arr'd a bit before she said " For christs sake just spit it out"

"Mum I'm Gay "

"O christ is that all ?,tell me something I don't know ! you scared me to death I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer"

" look love all I care about is your happiness, apart form that I don't care what you do, well within reason"

It was a huge relif. to finaly be honest.

then came the qestions

"You're not into dressing up in woman's cloths are you ? "

"god No Mum I got man bits and I like them, God I couldn't be bothered with all that shaving and shit" as though she knew I was gay I wasn't effeminate.( for the record nor am I now I am just me ) " that goodness for that, I don't think I could handle it if you told me you were what they call them ?" "Transsexual mum"

"yeah them"

we then spent he next half hour to an Hour talking about HIV and Aids, she was far more concerned about me getting it and dying from it than anything else, I reassured her, No Jo, No Go safe sex was the order of the day.

After we hung up my Mum burst into tears, and begin the blame game and questions ( I learnt about this later) Mum said at the end of it, she knew she could have a wonderful son or lose a son and the second wasn't an option for her. My point is she may have excepted me and loves me, but it still wasn't easy for her to learn that her suspicions were right, that the cold light of day had shone upon what was then up to then knowing without it actually being fact. Even then there was still another level of expectance, for her to go through. When I met my partner of now 15 years. as this is again another layer a parent has to except, and it really does bring it home their child is indeed gay and its not a passing phase. I know how lucky I am to have a Mum like I do.

My next example is a polor oppsitte to mine it is in fact that of my Partner.

He had lived a lie for a number of years, The main reason he pursued a heterosexual life was three fold, One he couldn't except himself as a gay man, because he didn't see he matched any of the Stereo types that are so often shown when any Media covers homosexuals. Two was because he wanted to fit the mold of what society deemed was normal, being a golden red head boy and young man he was already singled out for being different, he was sure as hell not going to do something to make him even more socially unexpected. Three he is he oldest child and wanted to live up to his Mothers expectations of being married and having grandchildren He had gotton married, his wife was of forgien orgin, and the relastionship didn't last she moved back to her home country, though he was faithful to his wife for the four years. He spent the next ten years living in a bottle, with a broken heart, for he truly did love the woman. He drank heavily every night only being sober enough to hold down a job When we met he was only just coming to terms with being a Gay man and being loved for being a red head. His Mother didn't know he was gay, and for some years when she called she would encourage him to go out and find himself nice girl, saying things like why not start up a band agin you can met lovely woman that way so on and so forth. Finally one year he couldn't take it any more and in his own way told his mother he was in fact gay. Her reaction was well I can't write what she said, needles to say she slammed the phone down on him and they didn't talk for three years. They have started talking but is is and has been very strined. After us being together for 12 years we were invited to spend christmas, it was tense, then that same year his step father birthday his sister was home from over seas( she lives full time far from us but is lovely and supportive she is in fact his step sister,though in truth we see her more as a sister) she has a lovely daughter. at any rate we went to an upper class cafe, Where it turned out one of his mothers friends was filling in. She introduced her Husband, and then my partners Sister and child in fact she did a mini rave of her and her wonderful grandchildren, then turning to us, I could see the panic behind her eyes, and with a wave of her hand in gesture to us she said "... and these are our guests" needles to say she might of well of taken out a gun and shot her first born son right then and there. I, his sister and he were so dumbstruck we just sat there unable to say anything. She has tried to make or form a relationship ( not knowing the pain she has caused ) though she knows and admits she will never be truly apart of our lives, she morns the fact she has been left out of so much of her sons life. She mourns the fact that she learned her son felt for years he could  never tell her the truth,( though the reaction she had was the one he expected)  and lived a lie ( in her eyes) that she now regrets her reaction, unfortunately some damages by parents can never  be undone or taken back, Though her and I have had one real and honest talk, I could not bare to bring yup the cafe event, ( for reasons I shan't go into here) ,and is she is a tad envious of the relationship her son  shares  and has with my Mum,and family. 

The next example is well of my cousin, he is no longer with us and I always wished I had got to met him

I never got a chance to, for two reasons. One a large part of my mum's brothers live in Canada, two he was much older than I. I think when I was 14 he was in his mid maybe even late 20's, I had heard he was gay as my Uncle had disowned him when my cousin came out to his Father / my uncle. He did not see nor talk to him, my uncle re-married a kiwi and lived here. I learnt that my cousin was one of those men that contracted one of the early HIV virus, they were ruthless in that they developed into full blown Aids in a short time, unlike today there were no medications to slow the onslaught of the virus and from the time one had Aids to time they died was six to twelve months. My uncle refused to go to him to make any kind of peace before he passed away in hospital, His older brother swore he would never talk to his father agin, and as far as I know he never did. Ironical one may say, My Uncle died of Cancer, and wished to see his remaining son though as far as I know never got to see his first born son beofore he died, so he lost both is sons from his own actions and reaction to learning his second born son was gay.

My last example is one I learnt about just two days ago, the mans son is exactly the same age as I am.

I felt blessed and honored when T.J Dainels gave me permission to be able to share here the poem he wrote for his son. Which to me sums up the most positive of Fathers reactions to learning their son is Gay. He wrote this comment on my prevouis article on this hub topic Being Gay in the 21st centry

My 39 yr old son is gay. When I discovered that, I was a bit surprised, but told him that I had loved him even before he was born. I wrote a poem titled 'Dad I Have Something To Tell You' and presented it to him as a special gift on his birthday.

Copyright © 1998 T. J. Daniels

"DAD, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU."

"Dad?"

"Yes son, what is it?"

"Dad, I have something to tell you.
I'm not like most of the other guys I know.
I don't like girls."

"Son?"

"Yes Dad?"

"I love you!"

"Dad!
Didn't you hear what I just said?"

"Son!
Didn't you hear what I just said?"

"I love you, Dad!"

Thank yo so much T.J Dainels, I confess I am brought to tears every time I read your comment and then cry some more when I read your poem, for your love and understanding and for showing what it means to be a real man in the 21st centry. You also may not relise it but it give true hope to young men, and men of all ages they do not always have to fear their fathers reaction.

That Best friend, who said go try it and find out once and for all, Well I did, though he could not come to terms with the fact I had, and it  in part ended our friendship. Mainly because he was tared with qestions of his own sexulatiy, when he was completly Hetrosexual. at 18 its really not easy to have to deal with such things.

Years later, we met per chance. He sat down with me and we began to talk as if the last seven years of not seeing each other never happened we sorta of picked up where we left off. He said , I have to tell you something, I'm surprised to find you, and haven't changed, your the same cool person I knew, He  then apologized for being such a bastard as he put it at that time, . Yet as I told him, I understood, that it was not easy on him for all the reasons I knew and held no blame nor ill will towards him. We had a unique friendship and I shall always feel blessed by having had him as part of my life when I did. I never saw him again after that. Perhaps if he is still alive one day I may run into him again I can only hope he has found happiness  in his life