My daughters want to get tattoos and piercings and I don't know what I should tell them. Any advice?
88Kids, Tattoos and Piercings
Thanks for the request.
My daughters want to get tattoos and piercings and I don't know what I should tell them. Any advice?
Everybody has different things that are acceptable for their family. If our daughters want their ears pierced, that is acceptable. However, tattoos are unacceptable until they are adults.
Your daughter needs to know what is acceptable in your family. This boundary establishes a threshold that once crossed has consequences. For our family, if they want to act like adults, then they must assume the responsibility of an adult. When I was a kid, my father told us, that if we chose to get a tattoo, that was letting him know that we were ready to be financially independent. I still don't have any tattoos;)
How old do you have to be to get a tattoo in California? I thought I better look this up to see if there are any laws against getting tattooed or pierced. In California, it is against the law to get a tattoo if you are under the age of 18. The tattoo shop can be prosecuted for molestation of a minor if they tattoo a minor. However, a minor can be pierced with the consent of a parent or legal guardian. So, I think it's our job as parents to uphold the law and to not circumvent it for a child that wants a tattoo under the age of 18.
With kids, it's important to use our leverage over them with responsibility. And, as parents, we must be positive that we are prepared to follow through on the consequences we outline. Otherwise, children have the ability to step over boundaries like Superman bounds buildings. If a child over the age of 18 wants a tattoo, they are free to go to a parlor in California, present their ID and pick the design of their choice.
However, we as parents don't have to support this behavior. I'm not saying to stop loving your child if they do things like getting a tattoo, but I do believe in consequences.
Here are a few ideas for consequences until the tattoo or piercing is remedied.
- No financial support for college.
- Pull other financial support for cell phone, car or anything else you may be picking up the tab.
- Can't live at home or access to things in the home.
These may seem harsh, but the boundary is clear and the consequences grave. If my 18 year old daughter came home with a tattoo from spring break. I'd say great. You are ready to take care of yourself. Now, if she realized she made a mistake, I would say. Fine. We all make mistakes. Get rid of the tattoo and I'll reinstate your privileges.
I think it's important to help our kids when they do make mistakes. In this case, I wouldn't pay to have a tattoo removed, but I might give them jobs around the house to earn the money. I wouldn't make the appointment to get the tattoo removed, but I'd go with them if they needed support. The important thing is to know that boundaries will be crossed. And not to be too upset or dissappointed, but to inforce the consequence and then to provide the opportunity for them to correct the action.
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Actually, Paul, you're wrong about body piercing. In CA, it is NOT legal to pierce anyone under the age of 18 without parental or guardian permission, EXCEPT for ear piercings. You can reference House Bills AB 99 (1997) and AB 186 (1997) if you need more specifics. And the adult is going to be required to show ID or verification to prove they are the parent or guardian of the minor too.
Good advice. Kill two birds with one stone (prevent kids from getting a tattoo before they're old enough to understand their implications, and to understand that every decision has its consequences). And I have a tattoo. :-) (Which I got years after becoming financially independent of my parents!)
I read somewhere that a famous Californian, former Secretary of Labor, Secretary of the Treasury and Secretary of State, George Schultz, has a Princeton tiger tatooed on his butt from his days in the Marine Corps.
I agree with Paul's position on tattooes and/or piercings (except for ears) for one's children.
While I agree with the idea of consequences, I think parents need to be careful about pulling funding for college. The only thing worse than having a daughter with a tatoo, to my thinking, is a daughter with a tatoo who is a college drop-out. :)
Communication will be the source of resolving issue like this. Explain why it is not advisable to have tattoos. If you can find example of bad tattooing and telling them about it, they will listen. Don't reject straightaway by saying NO. Find out what is bad about tattoo and have a peaceful talk with them.
My daughter wanted a tattoo and her belly pierced when she was a teen. I told her absolutely not and she was more than welcome to do as she pleased once she was 18 and she waited until she was 21 by her own choice. She did get one tattoo and had her belly button pierced.
I see too many teens who want these things just because their friends have them, not because it is something that they want, but to be like everyone else. Heck, I wanted a tattoo as a teen and still don't have one at 40.
Great Hub!
Carol
@Relache - I was just referring to tattoos as against the law for children under 18. With a parent's or guardian's permission, a child can get its ears pierced. You're correct.
Paul,
My reasons for not wanting (more) tattoos, is that no matter what color my walls are or pictures i have on them, one day i will want to change, as my tastes will have changed in time which is natural and just part of our evolving!!!This should be a good reason for them to not want any..
Piercings!, its a hard one because again, its all about the fashion and being fashionable for today, just like we used to wear flared trousers, and do all those old fashioned things like smoke when we was younger (just to fit in)which always looking back was not good or cool but unfortunately, we were just following the fashion and trends and basically, not wanting to feel left out amongst friends!!
If i could rewind time, i would not have any of my tattoos i have or, the 3 piercings in my ears, which are basically just holes!, as i do not wear earings anymore!
Good luck Paul!
I would be fine as long as she is willing to let me see it beforehand. If I find it is completely inappropriate then I would speak up and say no. It might be good to have them decide and then make them wait a few months to think it over. Definitely wouldn't want it to be decided after drinking. One friend has a horrible tattoo that was made while the tattoo artist was drunk at a party. It looks bad.
Hi Paul,
Ah the joys of parenting. As much advice as we can give you, you are really the only one who can decide what is best for you and your family. Bottom line, whatever restrictions you place must be followed up with consequences. No exceptions. You run the show (even if your kids think they do) and consequences always follow actions. Have a heart to heart talk (no yelling, no judging) about what it really means to get a tattoo and how painful it is to have them removed with laser surgery. Ask them to think about it for 1 month and if they still want the tattoo, remind them what the consequences will be. The struggle for independence is unrelenting with teens, but what they are really looking for is acceptance. Not from you, but from society or their friends - and that points to self-esteem. Ask them why they want the tattoo and keep asking until you get to the heart of the issue. If after a month, they still go for a tattoo, try to talk them into a small one in a well hidden place. It hurts to get a tattoo! Maybe they'll get 10 minutes into it and realize they're not as tough as they thought they were and won't go back.
Good Luck!
I love what Casey said. I agree, my kids are going to want to fit in with the rest of the crowd not matter what I say. When I tell them they can do whatever they want when they grow up, they back off. I'm very supportive of their interests and they share their life with me because I don't argue with them, nor do I judge them. A good dose of love and extra attention helps then to know that I really hear them and I do care about them.
I personally think it's more than a little harsh to withdraw financial support you would otherwise provide for an education, simply because your non-minor child gets a tattoo. If the tattoo really was a mistake, that's it's own consequence, and said "child" has to live with that. If, however, it wasn't, and "child" is happy years later with ink he or she had done at 18 or 19, that should be seen as a positive thing. I guess I just don't believe in arbitrary punishments for decisions that run contrary to a parents' wishes (provided they aren't dangerous), especially after the age of 18.
I had both my nose and navel pierced before I turned 18, and got my first tattoo shortly after my 18th birthday. I've never regretted it for a single second. If my parents had cut me off completely at that age, that in and of itself could have had disastrous effects on my mental health, my development into adulthood, and perhaps the rest of my life. Even if I'd regretted the tattoo, that would be its own consequence, and not nearly as damaging to me as a growing person as complete parental abandonment would.
In every day life in the adult world, consequences follow directly from actions. They aren't usually imposed from the outside. Kids are making the transition from external guidance to internal guidance in their adolescent and early adult years. It's the job of a parent to help simulate the outside world more and more as children get closer to this transition. Otherwise, they'll get out there, have no imposed consequences, run wild, and learn the hard way, or worse, not learn at all.
I told my kids they can get as many tatoos as they want when they're out of the house. I confess I may have said it in a manner something like, "If you want to look like a biker or prostitute and wear your bad decision through life watching it melt into a hideous disfigured black smear as you move through time, and guarantee that you will never have a decent job, go for it... just do it after you move out because I will make you miserable if you try that crap living under my roof."
Or something equally open-minded like that. I believe in tact as a parent, and subtlety is a gift. :)
@Maddie, I think it's the choice of both the parent and the kids. The parent can choose what they believe is accpetable behavior. And the child has a choice if they understand the consequence before making decision. Is this tattoo (or whatever it is) worth it to accept the consequence. In the end, it's a choice. Parents must be careful and kids need to understand that actions have consequences.
Thanks for the comment.
Paul:
I agree 100%. I just think that the consequence should be just that--a *consequence*, a natural following of the action--and not a *punishment", which doesn't teach the "child" (I keep using quotes because we're referring to adult children, not actual minors) anything except fear and resentment.
Since forbidding something outright often makes it a more appealing way for said "children" to rebel, I think the best approach is to sit your kids down and have a non-confrontational talk with them. Give the reasons for and against a given decision (whether it be getting a tattoo, moving in with a boyfriend, going to college A vs college B), or better yet, encourage him or her to think them up him/herself. If you feel like you need to, add the reasons why you personally would or wouldn't make this decision. And then let 'em know you have faith in their judgement and ability to do what's best for them.
(Can you tell I studied humanistic psychology? Cut me some slack. I get to be an idealist for a few more years.)
I think this is a great hub with some sound advice. When I was growing up, my mom had a conversation with one of my aunts who had a child (my cousin) who pierced his ears. My aunt acted helpless, as if there was nothing she could do. My mom used it as a learning experience for me and my siblings - do it, and you're out. I agree with Paul's approach that if you are going to act like an adult, then get ready to be treated as one - on your own. New Day.
Paul,
I've actually had this discussion with my 19 year old daughter. It was never a heated discussion. I don't believe overeacting or threatening helps solve the situation. But she simply understood, (at the time she was 17), that if she still felt the same way at 18, she was free to make that decision. Now, she is 19, tattoo free and still talks of getting one. That's fine with me, but as she is a full time student, living at home, with no job, or car or Driver's License, for that matter, this is a luxury she will have to afford on her own. Interestingly enough, she's decided it's not the right thing to be spending money on right now! Hmmmmm... okay by me.
Hope there is some help here.
I did a nose piercing when it was in fashion. Now hardly anybody does it, so I regretted piercing my nose and removed the rings. I don't think threats or scoldings work with kids, they only will get more aggressive in doing what they want to do. Instead you could try to make the kid understand that it may not remain in fasion for long and then the piercing would look odd and the practical issues with the piercing. As far as tatoo is concerned she can use a tatoo sticker instead.
Check out my hub titled "want body art?" When they realize that piercings leave scars and they can get an ugly infection, they may think twice. Tattoos are so permanent, they may want to think about it long and hard before they pick something too quickly, and remind them, it hurts! I have 2 tattoos and I had my nippples pierced and let me tell you, they hurt like hell... but then again, I waited until I was 25 to start getting tattoos and piercings! Make sure they aren't doing it "because everyone else is doing it." I got my body art when I was by myself and I did a lot of research before I had them done. Another thing you might want to show them is that is costs more money to have a tattoo removed then to put one on so they need to be certain that they want to live with it forever! Also, let them check out what old people with tattoos look like! Saggy, wrinkled, inked up skin may have them thinking twice! Good luck with your girls! :-)
My daughters aged 38 and 28 respectively have not got tattoos. Not that either of them have not thought about it or discussed it. they both have pierced ears which as parents we agreed to when they wanted it done. I guess we discussed and debated the issue and made our views known and they are still (as far as I know) tattoo free (unless they have well concealed, discrete tattoos which I don't know about. Likewise my son, too, does not have tattoos. He has a preteen daughter so his challenges are yet to come! In South Africa, years ago the people who had tattoos were sailors or military men. Prisoners too, generally, had poor hand made tattoos. Some small well designed tattoos can be quite attractive. So i guess it is a question of degree, negotiation and moderation.
Great Hub
What's more rebellious than a new hole in the body or an indelible graphic?
Why I did no such thing in my youth was because I wanted a life of no regrets. It's bad enough having old photographs showing me in funny fashion or weird hair styles, without having something irrevocable done to my body!
Irrevocable is the argument against these things. We could look srupid one day!
Here's a link on tattoos and Judaism from today's NY Times:
My mum always gave me grief about a tattoo I had done when I was 18. Then she joined a Harley Davidson Chapter with my dad (she was 55, he was 68) and came home with a huge tattoo!
My only advice to you would be, if you say they can't - they will find a way!
I wanted a black panther tatt when i was 18, so glad my friend (the tattooist) told me no - every tom dick n harry has one! I waiting until I found a design I would want on my body for the rest of my life. My tattooist friend tradgically died and another one did the tattoo for me... big mistake! It should have been good but the bloke was a butcher.
2nd piece of advice: find a good tattooist. Anyone can pick up a 'gun' and draw on you, find an artist. Get some recommendations, look at their fine lines, are they all blurred. Are they 'blown out' where they scar you rather than tattoo you? It is well worth waiting and finding a good one. If they appear expensive - then that's the price for a piece of permanent art you will wear forever.
3rd piece of advice: make sure they have a hygenic studio, especially ensure they have an autoclave. This piece of equipment sterilises the needles - I have heard of some tattooist who use a dishwasher!!! be it on your own life, scepticima (sp) is a killer.
4th piece of advice: some piercings are for sexually gratification. Tongue piercings, genitals... all give pleasure. Nowt wrong with that, I have my tongue and nipple done. In my country anyone piercing a minor (under 16) can be done for assualt. Anyone performing a genital piercing on a minor can be arrested for sexual assault and placed on the sex offenders register. If there is parental consent (ie if they are with them) then it is up to the piercer/tattooist discretion. Once again, find one with a good reputation. Make sure they are hygenic.
5th piece of advice: on all of the above, research this on the net. There is enough information out there on the risks and what to look out for.. ask your kids to be responsible and to prove to you they are mature enough for such a permanent thing as a tattoo. You can always remove a piercing, the hole closes up. However, the ones on my nose have closed up but have left too 'blackhead' looking holes.
I spent nearly ten years sitting in a tattoo studio. My best friend is a body piercer and tattooist. I have seen some real horror stories... like the girl whose tongue turned black and she couldn't feel her teeth from a dodgy tongue piercing - she came to us in agony and we had to cut the bar out of her tongue.
In the UK there are no regulations to piercing - anyone and everyone can do it.
Final piece of advice: if you remove financial assistance (allowance) from your kids... then they will find it elsewhere. Don't want them to perform sexual favours for money or find them stealing.... be reasonable.
I am mother to a ten year old. I will have the same conversation with my boy when he wants tattoos and piercings. I now have three tattoos. My first one is a scarred mess. The other two were done by artists. I wanted something that no one else had - that's the point of being an individual... that tattoo is a badge saying 'im different'. My mum has since had a huge piece done on her arm, she is 58 lol. They are good - a loveheart with doves and a heart for each child and a large purple rose.
Go with your gutt feeling. Your kids will respect you more for it. Good luck, hope it goes well.
I have a tattoo, but I waited until I was 24 to get it.
The sentance said by my father. "There isn't anything you could do to make me love you anymore or anyless, I just want you to be happy with your decisions."
Hope that helps.
Piercings can be removed in a day. Tattoos will last a lifetime. Pick your battles.
No! They have to wait to ruin their bodies until they are mature adults :)
I believe what chris said, but then again they should par-take in that activity. theres no point of having all these accessories harming your body. you only make things worse for you in the long run
Tattoos can also be removed by laser surgery, but I think they should wait until they're old enough to make the right decision. Make them understand that they are beautiful the way they are, without tattoos and piercings ;-)
I think the more they are held back the more they are going to just do it out of resentment. I got my first tattoo when i was 16 and my first piercing at 14 or 15. My dad went with me for both, i wanted them done and he knew that i would get it done one way or the other, so he took me so it would be done properly. Piercing can be taken out very easily and they heal in time, a tattoo on the other hand is there for life unless it is removed, so that is what should be discussed more. For many people, like myself, the body is a canvas it is up tp you how you want it to look, how you want to paint it. Tattoo and piercings are part of life and more and more common, if they want one eventually they are going to get one, would you rather it be behind your back?
I agree that when one is underage that is an absolute 'NO' for 2 reasons. 1: it is illegal. 2: they are to young to make that decision. If I had gotten my tattoo at a younger age I probably would of picked something stupid, and would have to spend 10 times as much to remove it. Plus it would of hurt 10 times as much to remove! Discuss pros and cons of both why they shouldn't and/or can't before 18. But I wouldn't completely ban tattoos or peircings in the long run, that only makes a child or young adult want it more. I would know, my father said ''Nothing while under my roof''. Every single one of his kids (myself included) have got tattoos and/or peircings. Three out of four of us were of age and since age sixteen have been self reliant as far as finances go, and yes I was still at home. And did not lie to either of my parents (I think I am a compulsive non-liar, I always have to tell the truth.) I not for one second regret my choices. If the worst thing in life that I ever do is get a tattoo or a peircing, well I would say I have lived a very sucessfull life, as I (and my brothers and sister) haven't done anything substanciate the sterotype that comes with tattoos or peircings. If you are truly concerned about your child being financially dependant on oneself, don't wait to use that as a punishment. One day they will have to do that on their own, and you should teach them as soon as you can about being dependant on themselves. Not learning how to be financially depentant is going to be a punishment in the long run. Would you want your child(children) being thousands of dollars in debt by the age of 30? Many Americans are. I do not have any children, but I do plan on it in the future. When the situation comes, (as I am sure it will) for legal reason, not until 18. After that they have to pay for it themselves, they should think about it long and hard, about why and what they want. They will be taught about society and why they might be rejected at jobs if someting is visible. Which I understand completly, it isn't that appatizing to see the fry guy with metal dangling from his nose and ears as he scoops my frys(??? don't know why just is). As much as I disagree, people with tattoos or peircing are not seen as the most responsible. I have seen many with tattoos or peircing that are the complete opposite. For instance my older brother is in th Air Force, has one tattoo, and happens to be one of the youngest at his base to have acheived the status of Tech Sergant. My sister (has one tattoo and her nose peirced at one time) is currently earning her Masters Degree to become a Librarian. She had to take her nose ring out as she had worked in a daycare and it was a health violation and it could of gotten unintintanilly ripped out (and it almost did). I have one tattoo and I work in a bank and am working my way up. I have to make sure it was covered, due to the regulations of where I work, which isn't a problem due to the placing of it. My younger brother has atleast three tattoos and might not be the most responsible person in the world, but it isn't because of any of his tattoos. It never hurts to communicate with your children. That doesn't mean let the talk you into something that you feel isn't right. But maybe you can get a better idea of where they are comeing from (Is it just something to shock you or friends by??). And maybe they can understand where you are comeing from (You don't want them to regret it, or is it religious??) . Obvisouly all families are differant, but when you know more about your children and they you, there is a lot more undestanding. When they understand, they will see that perhaps it is better to wait, or that isn't what they truly want. When you understand, maybe they just need a little bit more attention or need to know that no matter what you do love them.
my daughter wants a monroe. I signed the papers for her to get a cartilage piercing and her lobes were pierced as a baby. My niece already got a nose pierce at 19, and now that she is a mom, she doesn't use it any more. I said to my daughter when you are 18 you can get the monroe, but I won't sign papers for you to poke a hole in your face. The ears arent the same thing as the face, No one cares if you have a permanent hole in your ear that you are no longer adorning, but the holes in the face will look like zit scars especially when you get older.
This is my take on the tattoo subject: I worked in health care for many years. Working with patients I learned that people who were above 50 and had tattoos were living with alot of regret for getting them. I never had 1 patient that didn't wish they could have their tattoo/s removed. They even went so far as to wear long sleeves (even in the summer), etc to hide them. They had tended to get them in their teens, early 20s or while they were in the military. The sad thing was they ALL regreted it. It shocked me. But, as we age, the skin is not as supple and tight as it is when we are young. Lots of tattoos smear and you cannot make out what they are. They, for the most part, are a life-long commitment. I just hate to see someone who is young make a decision that will effect them for life and then regret it for decades to come. My cousin, who is 27, got hers removed for Christmas last year. She got her butterfly tattoo as a teenager becuase it was a fad, like now. It cost her almost $1,000 to get removed and she said it hurt a million times more than getting it put on. She will always have a scar there and they had to go so deep that they had to cut come of her muscle to take if off. I would like to ask anyone who is considering getting one to please take time and think this out. It's a premanment decision. Thanks for your time. Have a great day!
i think youre all over 35. because most of your views are stupid.
I have each ear pierced twice. which my parents had done at age 3, and 10.
i have my belly button pierced. a 15th birthday present.
piercings close. get over it. removing all financial aid or parental support is ridiculous.
also, if your child is over 18 and wants a tattoo. then shut the hell up. you dont have to like it.
You know the hardest thing as a parent (and one of the greatest things too!) is to have to make decisions for our children. Sometimes they are grateful as they grow up and understand things a little better, and other times they can hold a grudge! There's no real way to know which it will be until they grow up of course, so the best thing you can do is to be true to your instincts about something and base your decision on that. Ultimately, the only right or wrong about a decision is the way you feel about it and how you describe it as right or wrong.
The answer to this question is complete bull shit. Its sad that parents cushion their children finacially until they are in their early twenties and mask it behind the idea of helping to pay for college, rent, food, gas etc. There has been a shift in parenting that has become so clear in the last few decades. We live in the "boomerang" generation where young adults strive to live independent from their parents but end trapped underneath a finical cloud. They cant support themselves on their own so they go back to what they know, Mom and Dad's wallets. This is the perfect oppertunity for parents to gain almost complete control over their child's life and lifestyle. NEWS FLASH, you idiotic, close-minded parents, tattoos are not illegal, and having one does not make you less of a person or rank you among the burn-outs of the world, and if by chance youre child does decide to break away from you finacially, becuase he/she got a tattoo, dont be suprised if they allow YOU back into THIER lives. The sad result is that while you wont have them as a burden finacially, you will have lost a son or daughter for a completly stupid and vain reason. THIS ADVICE IS COMPLETE SHIT.
My extended family has been going through a tattoo craze. I think one of my nieces, 25, is addicted or something. She is getting tatoos left and right. I just hope when she gets older that she doesn't regret it.
My parents would have shot me if I had gotten a tattoo- thus I still have none either!
I 100% agree with "DO READ" I had my ears pierced at 3 my belly button done at 13, my first tattoo at 16 and second and third tatto's at 20.
Yours advice is utterly ridiculous, as for the comment by "Shadebreath" I would like to point out that with my piercing's and my tattoo's I have a degree and work as a lawyer and I am only 25. Just because you have art on your body does not mean that you will never amount to anything. I find the majority of you to be so closed minded. My advice to your children is that you are your own person and if you wish to get a tattoo or a piercing - go for it. Get it somewhere that your parents won't see it then they can't comment. Go to a well known and respected artist and look after them carefully!
I have Tatoos myself and I have kids, but I would not let either of my kids get one until they are 18. They have to understand this is something you will have for life, but with that said it is hard. Kids have minds of their own and I am not at that point yet being mine are still young. I do know I was a rebel type kid and even though when I got mine I was of age and it is tiny, but I feared showing my dad - go figure.
I have tattoos myself as well as my husband and my daughter. I love the art and had no problem letting her get a tattoo. The man who does are tattoos also does his own children.
I keep hearing about how the children will rebel if they don't get their way. I disagree! As a parent of one son and five daughters, I respect their individuality, however as their parent there are rules and boundaries. One thing I emphasize to them is consequences for bad choices. My son, now a young man, had no doubt about how I felt about a man wearing ear rings or having tattoos, and it must have made some impression on him because to this day he hasn't either one. To my daughters I have tried to express to them of how special they are to be beautiful young ladies and that God created them in his own image and that getting body piercings and tattoos would only mar that image. I don't see anything wrong with them piercing their ears for ear rings, which i have allowed them all to do. What other families find appropriate is their business, but in our home I am responsible for their health, well being and upbringing.
Once again...kids...and I mean anyone under 30 will regret those tatto's when they get older..they fade and look nasty and they are disgusting. My daughter has them and evrytime I see them I want to cry...they aren;t little and she can;t hide them...you are all making mistakes with these tattoos...th only part about it is you canlt get rid og them EVER! DUMB DUMB DUMB
Mimi says:
17 months ago
Coming from a mom with tatooes (which my father always volunteered to belt sand off!) I agree with the "tough love" philosophy. Our kids tend to think that they are mature enough to do many things, however, supporting themselves or paying for their own cell phone bill in just not in their comprehension. I have my own challenge since I have tattoes mysef, but I always tell my kids that momma made some mistakes. My middle daughter (age 5) very cleary tells us that "tatooes are bad!" It's a tough tightrope to walk but one that will be successful with properly placed boundaries. Thanks for the great post