Monday 08^th September 2008

I can’t believe that in two weeks I’ll be starting university- I’m sooooo not prepared. I don’t have any expectations about starting and I think its better that way. When I started work/college I had all these dreams (about friends/boys etc) and they didn’t really come true. All I think may happen is that I’ll mess it up and become a complete mess. Not that I’m not a mess right now. Because I am. I’ve ordered some more pills off the internet. I don’t know if I’ll get them though. If mum finds out she’ll be so angry. I just hope to god he doesn’t tell mum. I’ve ordered some antidepressants that are meant to help social anxiety, some tablets that treat ADHD, and an anti-convulsion which helps social anxiety. Anyway, I’ve got my first hypnotherapy session on Wednesday at 1.30pm. I need to prepare because I’ll have to tell her about all my problems. God I’m dreading it.

Tuesday 16^th September 2008

Hiya! Three more days until I have to go into uni FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know what I don’t really give a fuck what happens, I’ve been through too much shit in my life to really care anymore. All I can think is I cannot cope without drugs. But I only have these shit antihistamines that make me go do lahleh. I so need to get my hands on some more. I just wish mum didn’t know I get them delivered to dads. Dad was suspicious about all these packages coming from India or Pakistan. And if mum as said something to dad that’s it- god I can’t think about that possibility. I need to see if I can find another pharmacy in a different country.

Another thing- I can’t stop gambling. In the last week I’ve lost £1000. I need to win it back- maybe I’m so stupid for thinking I can make money from gambling. If I don’t stop I’m going to end up in so much financial trouble- I’m already £8000 in debt and that’s not including my credit cards. I don’t even know yet if that’s going to affect my student loan- god knows what I’ll do then. I don’t want money to be the reason I end up topping myself. Maybe I’ll have to stop gambling but I love it – well not when I lose £600 in a day. I’ve given myself a limit of £150 a day. So I’ll see how it goes. Mum as gone to town to meet Amy. Harvey is asleep. On Sunday I went to Leeds with mum and I bought loads of new clothes. I was so nervous that my card was going to be rejected. But it was o.k.

I went round to Aiden's with mum and josh was there- he is soooooooooooooooooooooooo gorgeous. I’ve fancied him for so long, but I bet he’s had loads of pretty girls after him. I’m way too ugly for him. I just keep thinking I can’t do life and I’ll end up dead. Maybe I’ll take a drug overdose- I am really scared that life will soon become too hard for me and I’ll give up proper and think death is my only option. Of course I want to be happy but I haven’t been happy for so long now. I try not to think about it but it’s always at the back of my mind. I’m so scared of the future, of Friday and the week after and in a couple of months when reality really might kick in. I always said if by the time I’m 20 and I’m still in the same place I’ll rather be dead. I so want things to turn out o.k.

Sunday 21^st September

Fuck I’ve just lost £250 on bet365, I’m getting so obsessed. Friday did not go well. I missed half of what I was supposed to do. I took 5, ONLY 5 promthiazine and they sent me soooo bonkers. What a fucking great start, everyone probably thought I was absolutely crazy. I was hallucinating and at one point I was talking out loud to people who weren’t even there. I kept thinking people were Amy or that mum was with me. I am so worried because I don’t know how much damage have done.

Tomorrow is going to be so hard, I’ll be sober for one thing, but maybe things will go better. But it’s so hard for me to do things sober. But I’ll do it tomorrow and see how it goes. My other tablets haven’t come yet and when I asked dad he sounded really dodgy and I can tell mum is angry at me. I feel so guilty because I really don’t want to hurt her and she does deserve better but it’s so hard. When I first got to university I just wanted to escape, I didn’t last the whole day and missed an introduction to a meeting with my personal tutor. I feel so angry at myself and that I’ve failed in so many ways. I just pray to God to get me through this and stop the thoughts going round in my head. I scared that it will get too much. I felt so alone on Friday; I just wanted to go home. Everyone seemed to know each other. I was so fucked up that when these really nice girls started to talk to me I just couldn’t think straight. I kept nearly falling over it was soooooooooo bad. But people may forget about it, that’s what I’ll have to hope.

Anyway, work called last week to arrange to come round to my house to give me my leaving card. I didn’t even bother to call back, I feel so incredibly bad for that. They sent it in the post, with £30 of topshop vouchers. Their comments were so sweet, they are all so nice and I do miss them. Every time I think about them I feel so bad. I’m going to send a thank you card. Also something else happened which only confirms I am a total bitch . Lucy Wright texted me to ask me how I’ve been and I just ignored her. What’s wrong with me? Am I totally incapable of changing? I went to the pub on Friday night. Josh was there, he didn’t look twice at me. I don’t expect anyone ever to fancy me. I’ve got fake boobs and massive burn marks on my legs. I just wish I wasn’t so vain, its serves me right. I realise that now. Tonight I’m going to do some more betting. I’m worried I’ll end up broke but I just praying that I’ll win big soon. I know I’m so mental- and not in a good way. I’m just such a bitch; I want to change because I can’t live like this. I don’t want to end up alone. I really need good luck tomorrow- I’m so scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday 22^nd September 2008

I’ve got today and tomorrow off which is good because I feel shit. I was so mean to Chris and granddad when they were asking about uni; I just didn’t want to talk. I feel so bad; I’ll have to make up for it. Monday went a lot better at uni than Friday. Did take some tablets but I didn’t go as loopy. I walked so much yesterday my legs are killing me! Still haven’t got my tablets in the post yet. I’m going to dads tonight so they may have come. I don’t think I’ll really struggle at uni but it will be hard. Especially the practicals or any presentations- fuck I’m dreading them. I’ll have to be sober for the practicals because I’ll need to concentrate and it could get dangerous if I’m fucked!!!!!!!! I do feel lonely at uni because they are so many people, and most of them are with other people so I can’t help feel alone. It’s like college all over again- except there’s more foreigners. If I want to go into pharmacy I will have to work really hard. Anyway, I do feel quite down about everything and not very hopeful.