This is republished now for those of you who have no idea what it is about.

Around a month ago, before meeting all you nice people, I woke up dead one morning. Oh yeah, I did. As I was leaving my body I looked down upon my sleeping Wee One lying there drooling on her pillow beside the pup Brandy. I saw my body flopping around like a fish out of the water from the effects of the defibrillator implanted just above my left breast. Yeah, a neighbor friend laughed and said I had a boob job when she first saw it.

Well back to my tale, er story. I was whisked up into the dawn sky led by an angel wearing only a strip of kelp. Her name was Uriel and she was riding a winged walrus named Michael. Sorry you angel worshipers, but Uriel is a woman who rides on Michael. Uriel doesn’t have wings, and she’s a redhead from Scotland. She told me so. Well, pretty soon we were going through the Milky Way faster than, than, well like really fast. I was in awe, and it’s freezing out there! Soon we flew into water. Yep, water, warm water. We were beyond the universe and swimming among all kinds of creatures. I couldn’t swim, so they just kind of pulled me along. How’d I breathe you ask? Remember I’m dead and don’t need to breathe.

I saw people too, some in wet suits and I swear one of them was Steve Irwin and he was with smiling Jacques Cousteau. They waved as we went by and I heard Steve yell “G’die gorgeous”. Uriel is pretty. Shamu the killer whale was having fun chasing after us along with that damned Flipper who was chasing after Jaws. Oh, and Elvis was skinny-dipping with Rock Hudson. Sorry ladies. I also saw a gaggle of them damned synchronized swimmers nakedly swimming along. Sheesh! The absence of politicians and lawyers I found amusing. Well we finally passed through the water and came upon the shore of heaven. “I get it, we need to be born of the water just like coming out of the womb to get to heaven!” I said excitedly.

“That’s right Charlie.” Michael told me. Yeah he can talk. Then I saw it, a huge city gleaming in the light. I was so excited because I really never thought I’d make it here. I quickly looked at my surroundings and thought of Jurassic Park for there were dinosaurs everywhere. Uriel said, “Well Charlie let’s see if we can get you through the gate.”

Well then as the walrus waited on us Uriel took me up to the Pearly Gates. I was expecting Peter, but whom did I see? None other than a naked Bob Hope with his putter in hand to greet me! “Well I see you lived close to Cleveland.” He said with a grin. “The Indians and Browns still suck don’t they?” He was right of course and I agreed. “Well now Charlie.” Bob said as he was reading from some sort of book, “I see here a note from God saying she doesn’t think she wants you just yet.”

“What?!” I exclaimed. “God is a woman?”

“Yeah, ain’t that a hoot Charlie? It’s like the Isle of Lesbos in there.” He laughed. “She stuck me out here for eternity to greet all the newcomers to her town. She said I was too boring and she likes a good dangling participle. Her city is full of nothing but females and we men have to do all the work up here while they just lounge around in their bikinis soaking up God’s light.” He looked at his book again and said. “Uriel take him back and put him on hubpages. God wants him to learn a few more things before he returns, like musing. She says she needs a new muse to entertain her and the girls. She insulted my putter. Damn, I thought my putter was fine.”

With that Uriel asked me to follow her back to the sandy shores of eternity. “Hey Charlie!” Bob yelled. “Tell Lebron James to stay put or God will exile him to Coventry.” Oh yeah, Bob was from England I remembered. “I’ll try Bob.” I answered him with a still puzzled look upon my face. “Oh, and you’re to seek out a gold toad and some damn jackalope.” Bob added. It seems a muse always has to seek for something. I hate toads. Maybe that’s why I have to seek this gold one out, to purge my hatred.

“Ah! One more thing Charlie!” Bob yelled. “Stay away from the religion forum or she’ll slice your balls into the rough!” Bob always the duffer. I laughed. “Will do Bob!”

We walked back to the beach and loyal Michael was still there. “You heard Bob, Charlie. Go to hubpages.com.” Uriel said. “Return him Michael.” I don’t recall the trip back and I was in my body almost instantly. Was it a dream? My wife was still lying there with the pup Brandy and I was all wet, drenching wet from head to toe. I just figured I had a real good night sweat, but what was the seaweed about? Well, I arose and contemplated what this all meant. My chest was sore too, I felt like I had been through a wringer. Then I recalled something about hubpages. So I took a shower, dressed and made some coffee and got online to find hubpages.

I drank my coffee while reading some hubs and deciding what to do. I finally signed up and here I am. I have learned how to get a great handjob, how to grow tobacco, learned a cheap way to make wine, saw some great tits, great art pieces from CrisA, along with some good jokes, met a possible cousin who seeks a muse, met a great girl who runs a gentleman’s club, found new recipes from several women, the jackalope who’s funny, at times, a cowboy who is possibly Scottish and a Crockett fan, and a great Scot named Jimmy who doesn’t want us to hear his accent and an Indian who thinks he’s a great interior designer. I also found a sweet countrywoman who doesn’t talk to me anymore. I’m learning how to sail and sharing the wonders of nature and history and also am learning how to write better. I’m learning more about the people on this great globe we call earth and making friends of them.

The list just goes on and on; too many for me to mention. So here I am today thanking you all for letting me join you. I am learning and will continue to do so, as long as you will let me. I’m pleased to have met you all, I think. I hope you understand if I left you off of my list of discoveries as I am having brain farts again. Wasn’t there a hub about farts too? I must give notice of a woman who lives with a chimp, you know who you are, it’s great work you are doing. Also the Favorite Dr. of the house dear Benson who is so good at telling us, errr, stuff.

I have that kelp hanging up for a reminder of my ongoing voyage. In closing I have found the gold toad! I’m always learning, I think I’m being corrupted though, and I just remembered that I have to stay out of the religion forum to keep my balls from being sliced in the rough! I’m hanging my balls out for all to see.

©2009 CC Riter

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This is the sequel to the Flying Walrus.

Not long after I was enjoying myself on hubpages one day a terrible turn of events happened to me. No, this time I never died I was kidnapped, shanghaied as it were as I was reading a comment in the religion forum. The damn bitch Lilith came swiftly on the back of Gabriel and dragging me by the hair of my head set me firmly on his horn then swiftly we sailed through the sea of Irwin and Cousteau again. I needn’t worry of drowning as it took only a minute. The nasty bitch wordlessly dragged me roughly by the hair up onto the beach, as my feet were flailing trying to stand. We approached the gate of mercy and I was set loose only to see none other than the famous caulbearer (you’ll have to look that one up) Liberace to greet me with his bass clef in hand. “Well look at me.” He said. “I didn’t dress.” And he danced a prissy pirouette.

“O.K.,” I said as Lilith and Gabriel silently stood by. “What happened to Bob?” I asked with puzzled expression refusing to look at his bass clef while rubbing my sore head.

“Bob who?” Liberace asked me back.

“Bob Hope? He was the gatekeeper the last time I was here.”

“Oh, well he was given a new duty as chief ball washer at the ladies golf outing extravaganza. God moves us men around a lot to give a sense of gaiety and to keep things alive. She works in mysterious ways you know. Why just recently I was chosen as the best fruit-lipped putter tester over on Forever Ever land.” He proudly told me. “Alright, now I see here that Lilith was to apprehend you by any means and bring you personally to God herself for penitence. My, you’ve been a naughty boy, and still living I see. That’s bad, tsk, tsk, tsk. Now you must undress and I’ll keep your things right here for when you return, if you return.”

“May I ask you what this is all about?” I asked. But the Nazi bitch Lilith tore my clothes off before Liberace could answer.

“Oh my, what nice balls you have.” Liberace said with glee as he jumped up and down with excitement. Before I could say anything Gabriel encouraged my ass with his mighty horn and sent me through the gate as Lilith stayed behind.

“Shit Gabriel, you don’t need to be so damn smooth do you?” I said. “But that’s healthier than that bitch dragging me by the hair of my head. Why isn’t she tagging along?”

“Lilith is a demon, no demons allowed in the city.” He answered me.

“Well it talks too.” I said sarcastically and got another shot of his horn in my ass. “Alright, I’ll go quietly just keep your horn to yourself please.”

He herded me to the great door of the city wall. It was about a mile high I reckon. The wall was two miles high. That’s big even by Texas principles. I stood by rubbing my sore head and ass while Gabe rammed the door with his impressive horn. I immediately recognized the voice of the doorkeeper when he started singing, “Why hello Cholly. It’s so nice, Cholly, to have you back to home where you belong.” Louis Armstrong! I’ll be damned. Damn was I impressed to see those pearly whites as he greeted me? Wow, what an honor to be greeted like that, and what a horn he has.

“Hi Louis. Thanks Louis.” I told him as old Gabe pricked me along hurriedly. I was almost blinded by the tree lined Gold Boulevard leading to the palace. The trees were filled with an unknown fruit that begged to be eaten. Beautiful birds were everywhere and the cutest little animals darting about. I saw camels, horses, hares and even a few jackalopes jacking about. Toads of many colors were everywhere as were butterflies and cherubims and seraphims.

I never thought I’d make it in here I was thinking to myself. I saw almost no men, and what men were there were doing menial tasks, Sweeping, doing nails for all the gorgeous women, or brushing and combing their hair. Some were massaging them all naked and glowing like jewels sparkling as treasure does. Man it was a sight to behold. Some men were tending to the care of animals and the bathing of the cherubims and seraphims. I never saw one man truly enjoying himself or just lying about soaking up the light of God.

I was thinking that this sure isn’t the paradise those extremists talk about. It was for the ladies, but not so for the men. Bob had been correct in saying the men were the ones who did everything, labor wise. I never saw so many naked people, a veritable naturists paradise. I noticed that none of the men had a natural pecker or nutz and then I looked down and to my surprise my trucknutz had taken on the appearance of golden golf balls, and my wee man was now a golf tee, red I might add. Oh my god! I was so embarrassed. It stuck out like a, er, well like an inverted red tee. I slyly covered it with both hands. I didn’t know what to expect now as I kept walking forward red-faced as I was. I knew that it was going to go bad for me though. The women were all checking me out and sniggering. I think one of them said something smart-alecky in Russian, but I can’t be sure. I think she said, ”Regardez oh comment joli il est avec ses bloules d’or!” But being an American what do I know?

I quickened my pace to get out of sight, as I knew we were quickly approaching the grand palace. There was a mighty river coming from the left side of the mighty door. I was thinking of diving into it but feared some of the wildlife in it that I could not recognize.

“Don’t even think about it friend.” A familiar voice said as I passed a skinny guy that was carrying blue bowling balls between his legs.

“What the hell you carrying those for?” I asked.

“Well you see I was born in England where modern bowling began. I must now carry these for eternity in service to her majesty. I tried to escape as you were just thinking of and this is my punishment. Be glad you only have to carry those.” He continued with his chore of waxing the golden sidewalk naked with those huge blue balls dangling between his thighs. It was very hard for me not to laugh as he walked bow-leggedly as he shined the walkway with his ten pin dangling between blue balls. Then I realized why the voice was so familiar. It was Winston without his cigar! He was skinny now. I never knew that about bowls and don’t quite understand why his balls weren’t limes. Was I dreaming this I wondered? That illusion soon vanished as I got another prod from old Gabe. What an animal!

Well we finally made it to the door of the palace and I was beginning to really get nervous. Gabe rammed on the door with his horn and when it opened Richard Pryor was there with smiling face with his jester stick in hand. He was now a healthy looking man and full of vigor.

“Come on in and join the fun.” He said. “You know I used to say I had my chance to be white and blew it, but I’m so glad I didn’t now.”

“Well Richard I’m glad to hear you say that. But everyone felt so bad that you left us so young.” I said.

“Like I used to say, you don’t get to be old bein’ no fool.” He laughed. “Now my man. Let me check my register here.” He looked at a yellow-paged book and asked me my name, and Gabe snorted, “This is not necessary. I have special orders to escort him to God.”

“Oh. Well pardon me Gabriel. I should have known that when I saw your horn kind o’ proddin’ his white ass.” He replied as only he could. “Please, do come in while I announce you to our guests and Her Majesty. Follow me please.”

I could hear the noise of a vast amount of voices that one hears from a crowd in a stadium before the show begins, only louder. I started to follow Richard but Gabriel just bullied him aside with his almighty horn and said, “I don’t need you to lead me anywhere fool!” He then gave me a mighty poke in the ass and sent me flying into the grand hall and I landed on my ass and slid making farting noises all the way to a throne, The Throne! Damn that hurt. How embarrassing!

As I sat there rubbing my sorry ass and collecting my thoughts silence fell upon me. Dreadful silence. I looked left, I looked right and I looked behind me to see the crowd that I earlier had heard. The mighty hall was void of people. Except for the furnishings of tables, oriental rugs and such I was alone, thankfully. With much trepidation I slowly looked upwards to the throne. My eyes first drank in the vision of feet, beautiful feet that had dandelion toes! They were delicious to behold and oh how I was tempted! I followed the feet up to a pair of gorgeous legs so well tanned. The legs led up to a grass skirt, not dead grass but green and living. I wanted to see more, but averted my eyes away from the crevice within that green grass. I slowly moved up to a glorious mound of flesh above that grass with a navel that was so sumptuous I wanted to put my tongue in it and savor the feminine saltiness within. I could hardly stand it now and halted my further observance of her glory. The stillness was unbearable, as I finally looked slowly higher upon this my Queen of heaven. I passed her numerous voluptuous breasts partly hidden with red hair and saw her right hand twirling a strand as I continued my upward gaze. Her left hand held a number nine iron and that gave me pause to consider my plight.

“Fàilte, Ceud mìle fàilte.” I heard her say in a wee feminine voice. Well I knew this as a Scottish welcome. I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say. So I blurted out, “Fònadh chun a' phoileis!” I don’t know where that came from. I didn’t even understand it.

Then Her Lordship said to me, “Tha gaol agam ort Tearlach. I love you Charlie, but you have let me down.” I was speechless for I knew she was speaking my name in Scot Gaelic. I just never knew it so well.

“'S fhada bho nach fhaca mi thu. Long time no see.” She said.

“Gabh mo leisqeul?” I said. I think I meant, “Excuse me?”

“Let’s us speak your American tongue in as much as you all have obliterated the English tongue.” She said as I slowly looked up to her face for the first time. I was so overwhelmed by her beauty that words fail me to speak of it more. I was entranced with her beauty and all that I can say is that pure love flowed from her eyes of azure pools. I beheld her full glory and lowered my eyes to her feet again and fell prone upon the floor.

“Charles, arise like a man and look at me as I speak.” She commanded in a queenly deportment. I quickly obeyed and gazed upon her loveliness again. “Now my son. I had sent you to earth when you were born. All souls come from me, and return to me. I do as I will for I am. Do you understand?”

“Yes Majesty.” Was my answer.

“Well then, now that we have that out of the way I have a wee matter of punishment in store for you.” She said rather harshly as she waggled that nine iron in my face. “I had given strict orders for you not to enter the religion forum on hubpages, did I not?”

“Yes Majesty you did. But I… tha mi duilich!” My heart was trembling now.

“Don’t you start with me!” She quickly reprimanded. “Now do you remember what Bob Hope said I’d do if you broke this commandment?”

I meekly replied that I did. “Repeat it to me please!” She ordered.

“He said that you would slice my balls into the rough if I went to the religion forum.” Now I think I understood why my nutz were like golf balls and my pecker was a tee. I was about to be sliced into the rough! What to do? I also had to ponder if that was all she would do to me. I feared Forever Ever Land so what else could I do but plunge at her feet and kiss them. So that’s what I did. I couldn’t help it as I took the great toe of her right foot and kissed it then sucked it into my mouth and sucked gently. I was licking it like it was an ice cream cone. That wonderful dandelion toe was like honey in my mouth. I moved to each toe in succession and sucked each one on each foot with delight. I was in love with those toes that were so perfect, so well formed and my heart was racing and I forgot where I was until she spoke again.

“Oh Charlie! No one has ever had the audacity to do that! A bheil thu 'g iarraidh a dhanns? Would you like to dance with me?” She said as she threw down the nine iron and picked me up and called for her pipers in black watch kilts. Baill Inneraora was the song they piped as she took me in hand and we danced on the floor in front of her throne.

“Chan eil aon chànan gu leòr. One language is never enough and Charlie boy you understand the language of love. Let’s dance for love, my darling Lochinvar.” She said so excitedly. I sure charmed her I reckon. Who’d a thunk it? A full orchestra now began as we waltzed and the women all joined us in celebration.

So we danced for hours and all of her women were summoned with all of her servile men in attendance. We had us the grandest ball! We were also served some haggis along with much entertainment and laughter with the finest Port and Scotch all around. Robert Burns himself toasted the haggis and then we feasted.

I must tell you that everyone in attendance was of all nations and all tongues. I can’t tell you all the persons there by name, but my Mom and grandmothers were among them, my father was given the privilege of sitting with us. There were many historical women of whom Helen was indeed the most beautiful, you know, of Troy? I even saw the Queen of Sheba, another beauty. Every woman was young, beautiful and had a man to wait on her every need and want. It was clean, no hanky panky in Lesbos. That only happened outside the gates of the city. Finally the celebration was over and I soon realized my nutz and wee man had returned to normal. Whew! What relief that was. So God is merciful and I had been once more forgiven. Her Majesty is love. There are many more things I could tell that I am forbidden to speak of. I shall remain silent on that, as I do not want to tempt Her Grace again. I am permitted to say that there is total peace in that place and the beauty is so amazing that I lack the skill to articulate it. It ended much too quickly and the guests were ushered out of the hall and I stood alone with Her Majesty once more.

“Tapahd leat.” She said with that glorious crown of red hair flowing.

“'S e do bheatha.” I lovingly answered.

“Beannachd leat.” She said softly. “Please go in peace and I shall see you again soon my lover of the dandelions.”

“Mar sin leibh.” I replied. “Goodbye for now and I will be most obedient.” I didn’t know what I was saying exactly in Gaelic. But I seemed to understand. It just seemed natural to speak it.

“I shall summon your charger once more and he shall take you home in a style more fitting for you. The next time we meet you shall return in my chariot my charming man.” She spoke lovingly. “I’d like for you to learn your mother tongue for I so love it. Would you do that for me?” What could I say but I’ll give it a go.

Gabe returned and this time he was in the form of what we’d expect of an Archangel. He too was gorgeous and so handsome with his flowing blonde hair and smiling face. Also his horn was a real musical instrument held by golden bridle girded over his chest. His wings were as though they were of translucent gold. He scooped me up gently and said “Sealbh math dhuibh! Slàinte mhor a h-uile là a chi 's nach fhaic.” I understood every word.

“Turas math dhuibh!” Her Lordship cried as we lifted off and out the door. Bon voyage!

So here I am back at home safe and sound with a new outlook on life. I hope you ladies appreciate what I have gone through for you. And I have decided to tell you this story to encourage you and to help clear up some things. As I have learned a lesson well, I will not be around the religion forum any more. I’ve said what I’ve said and I speak no more of it. I do not mean to be sacrilegious or offensive to any living soul or deity. Thus ends my tale of my visit and voyage to paradise so aptly called Lesbos.

©2009 CC Riter

Now that you have read these you are prepared for my final story of the City of Lesbos and why I have returned to hubpages as Ralwus.