Some of my treasured jokes include Texas humor and shockingly sassy stories told by my Great Aunt.

Texas Humor

I was born and raised in Laredo, Texas. Laredo is a famous town that borders with its sister city Nuevo Laredo in Mexico. The ability to speak Spanish is cosidered highly important. In the 1980's it was a custom for some people to call a person and ask, "to whom are they talking to?"

Gentleman Caller asked, " A con hablo?" In Spanish that means with whom am I speaking with?

Feisty Lady answers" Con diablo. " The lady said " with the devil." The lady then hangs up the phone.

Sometimes that isn't enough.

Gentleman Caller asks," Where am I calling?"

Feisty Lady answers," If you don't know I can't tell you."

The above is a true story. Even some members of my family have done it.

Texas Weather

Laredo is slightly warmer than Las Vegas, Nevada. It was the "dog days" of summer in August and the temperatures were a steady 115 degrees Farehnheit. It was hot and I needed to wear gloves just to touch the doorknob.

"It is really hot outside." Heatwave Burler ,the meteorologist, said," It is so hot outside that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk."

The beauty of the joke was that we were on the lookout for anyone actually trying to fry an egg on the sidewalk.

Yeah, I am still waiting for the sunnyside asphalt.

The "Dirty Joke"

I saw this on a bumper sticker.

" You want to do something dirty? Plant some flowers."

The Nudist Joke

It was a ladies only Turkish bath. The water was warm and the ladies were nude. A guy walks in the room.

A Texan woman covers her goodies.

The French woman covers her upper lip.

The Celebrity stands up and spanks herself for attention.

The above is an heirloom joke which was told by my Great Aunt and who told it to my Mom so that I could share it with you. Yes, it is a vintage sassy Croatian joke and I merely adapted it for today.

1950's Housewife Turns Heads

This a joke my dear Great Aunt Rose told us. It was the 1950's and Rose was a Mom in charge of three children wearing an oversized sweater. Sure she was not dressed for the Moulin Rouge but she was happily married. He let her know that he didn't have to worry about strange men looking at her because now she was a housewife and looked humble.

Aunt Rose said," I still turn heads and I will prove it."

Uncle smiled," Sure, why not."

Aunt Rose whispered in his ear, "follow me but not too close."

Uncle nodded. They walked on a busy street. Aunt Rose smiled and quickly turned to look at her husband then she walked a little bit faster. One man walked past Aunt Rose and almost tripped over a pebble as he turned to stare at her.

Uncle followed followed his wife Rose. A second man walked past Aunt Rose and looked twice at her very quickly. Uncle couldn't believe it that strange men did look at his wife. Yes, Aunt Rose was right she could still turn heads. They hugged and the contest was over. Uncle smiled.

What was Aunt Rose's secret? She stucked out her tongue once and blinked in morse code.

German Humor

An English speaking soldier caught a German soldier. The English speaking soldier asked the German soldier "How many children do you have?"

" I repeat how many children do you have?"

The German soldier said," Nine."

The English speaking soldier was so impressed that he spared his life. Wow the man had nine children!

(Hint nine means zero in German)

Ghost Story

A neighbor about 70 years old drove us home from the hospital. He knew we were feeling uneasy about the hospital stay.

Gentleman said," You know I'm a pretty safe driver. I hadn't had an accident..since..."

I said," When was the last time you were in an accident?"

Gentleman said," Oh, since the last I drove..."

"What happened?"

"I died."

So a ghost was driving me, how nice.

Amazingly this strange joke made me laugh.

Medical Humor

A teacher asked,"He doesn't care what he looks like and smells kind of ripe. He screams often, poops in the bed and is toothless. Would you take care of this person?"

The student thinks about it. "I uh."

The teacher answers," It's a baby."

The above is actually a riddle with the be kind to human kind theme.

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