My trip to the free clinic. No STD's but my pride was inflammed

I have only had an official sexually transmitted disease check up once in my life. It was not a willing visit rather a requirement by a new girlfriend who insisted I get a penile " all clear" before we moved on to the next level. I had no sores, no painful discharge and no symptoms of an STD but I did have a hazy past. I was young and adventurous and having me checked for herpes or warts wasn't an entirely crazy concept. I do not think I understood the gravity of the situation or the embarrassment and pain that would ensue.The possibility of sex is an amazing motivator to a young brazen man, even more so than money. I can't remember anything being a stronger catalyst for me undertaking drastic actions. You may think getting a checkup would not be considered a drastic action but if you have ever undergone an STD exam, you would understand my melodramatics.

And I chalked my cue. I had been playing it cool for the twenty minutes since first meeting her. It was her twentyfirst bithday and they were out to celebrate. Her friend was as equally stunning and all eyes in the bar were focused on them and by default me. When they first turned the corner after coming down the stairs most of the male patrons were already awaiting their arrival. Like Navajo trackers we had become well adjusted to our surroundings and the clanking of heels decending the stairs alerted everyone of potential prey. Giggles and chatter danced ahead of their journey like trumpets touting the presence of greatness. As the first painted toe hit the landing I felt my stomach squeeze as if it knew what was in store.

As I lined up the shot I looked up to meet eyes with her. If I make the shot I win and chivalry once again takes a back seat to chauvinism. She was playing pool with me because of my strong personality not my gentle demeanor. Her brother had introduced us minutes after they had made that grand entrance and bellied up to the bar. I could imagine his discomfort as all eyes were on him and his two female friends, not knowing one was his sister. I don't fault him for seeking out a friendly face although I barely remembered meeting him once a year before. My hopes were not dashed when I saw him for I figured if one was with him that left another free for the rest of us. When he introduced me to his sister I was instantly awestruck by her beauty and statuesque frame. It wasn't long before our quick wits and physical attraction had us alone playing pool. Now I was looking down the cue, across the table and up at her, wondering what is the proper and prudent thing to do.

I missed the shot. She would swear over the next eleven years that she beat me, but she didn't. My hormones trumped my pride and I handed her the game. It was the smart play and it paid off as we became lovebirds shortly after that night.

Like most young loves, the physical pressure was beginning to boil. Kissing was becoming longer and harder. Hands were exploring and boundaries being pushed. I was being patient and savoring the seduction. It wouldn't be long I thought, the flag is within reach. The time apart was spent languishing over our separation and planning our next meeting. When the phone rang I jumped to catch it before the second ring and awaited the soothing voice that had captured my heart and defined my life

You never told me you were such a pig.

My jaw dropped. My heart pounded and my defenses went up

Umm hi, nice to hear from you too was my weak attempt to buy time.

My brother told me about all of your stripper girlfriends, that is real nice...pig.

Times like these define a man. When faced with such an inquisition it is instinctual to draw the wagons in a circle and fire back, hoping to deflect the missiles of mistrust. It is even more natural to play deaf and dumb which was the easier tactic.

HUH? What do you mean, I said in my dopiest of voices.

You know what I mean! Let me tell you this, we will not be doing anything, ANYTHING with each other until you go get tested.

Tested? I had never been "tested" and the thought wasn't sitting well. I was twenty five and invincible. Tests are only created to give results and these particular tests were not the type that had you running to the mailbox when you heard the dog bark. I wasn't worried too much about the results, but I was concerned that their would be results. So using my charm and intellect I attempted to dissuade her and move forward.

Are you serious..come on!

She was serious and her persistence was astounding. She was mastering the art of seductive withdrawal that was far exceeding my ability to resist her request. After two weeks of hoping for a reprieve, I succumbed to the pressure and made an appointment. How hard can it be to get an exam and a blood test I figured while I weighed the work to the reward. I dreamt of the moment when I would present my certificate of clean health to her and imagined the passionate embrace that would surely follow.

The day finally came. The clinic is not exactly in the clandestine location that you would hope it to be. In fact it is housed in a string of stores in a shopping district. After doing three passes and locating the closest parking spot I could find, I donned my baseball hat and sunglasses and slinked out of the car. I stood at the parking meter and feigned interest in the rates while i scanned the street for any familiar faces or passing nuns. When the coast appeared clear I briskly headed towards the door holding my breath, leaving my manhood somewhere between the meter and hydrant.

While the ride to the clinic was an opportunity to fantasize about future trysts, the waiting room only served to crush me with reality. Graphic pictures of genital warts adorned the paneled walls. Detailed models of vagina's stood as paperweights preventing the syphilis pamphlets from contaminating the herpes brochures . I felt as though I had been cast out to the broken parts room at Disneyland's Small World. I didn't need to be this up close and personal with organs that up to this point were perfect and distant. Staring at a color display of an infected vulva was like cutting into a birthday cake and finding it moldy. I prayed that my name be called and that I would be rescued from this genital purgatory. As I tried to focus on the murky fish tank the door opened and in walked a homely looking girl who quickly sat down across from me.

Talk about an uncomfortable silence. We avoided eye contact but that didn't keep my thoughts off of her. I tried to speculate her reason for being here. Perhaps she contracted cervical warts during a romp after spring break. Maybe she is having an outbreak of herpes or some sort of drip. While my thoughts became more detailed I felt my stomach turning as I started to envision her infirmities. Suddenly the smoked glass window opened and the receptionist handed the girl a package and told her something about taking the pills. I realized then she was here for birth control pills which clearly I was ineligible for. Panic set in when I suspected she, much like I had done, was most likely guessing my condition.! Before I could find a way to dispel any misunderstanding the smoked glass opened and called me to the door.

The portly woman who greeted me on the other side of the door looked like a school nurse which would have been comforting if I were here for barfing up beef-a-roni. I bashfuly made my way down the hall and into a brightly lit room that I found more suited for a dog castration than a penis inspection. I looked around the room for hidden cameras or an escape hatch. My escort instructed me to disrobe and that someone would be right with me. She abruptly shut the door before I could ask" who exactly is someone?"

So there I stood, naked and waiting, wondering what is the proper edequite. Do I strike a pose or lay up on the steel table. I tried to take my mind off of my exposed state started playing with the instruments. Just as I was blowing a latex glove up to make a poodle, the door opened and in walked the doctor.

In walks a female doctor in her early forties. She wasn't particularly attractive but she wasn;t ugly either. I don't suppose it really mattered since I ws standing there naked holding balloon poodle and am getting checked for verereal diseases. I wished for a moment that she was a man so that it could be more like locker room talk instead of me naked with a woman who has no interest. At that point I kind of hoped for an erection thinking the shame of being excited would be more bareable than the discomfort of being not excited. While I tried my hardest to think stimulating thoughts, every graphic image was tainted by recollections of the faulty vagina models of the lobby. My fantasies were disrupted by instructions to sit up on the table.

I shimmy up on the cold steel table and cross my legs. The doctor smiles a little and tells me to swing around an put my feet in the stirrups. I turned to see the large steel and leather contraptions positioned on either side of the slab. I felt at this point that asking me to insert a tampon into my rectum and put on lipstick would have been a tad less emasculating than putting my feet in stirrups like a pregnant woman. She smiled again sensing my hesitation and assured me it was alright. I turned and lifted my feet up, exposing myself in ways I have never imagined. I started scanning for the escape hatch one again when my attention was drawn away buy the needle being prepared to my left. I felt at ease hoping the little prick would be the only memory either of us would harbor. Perhaps the stirrup provided an elevation that sped up the bloodletting and served no other purpose. Once the vials were full, I attempted to take my feet down but was told we" weren't finished quite yet"

When she comes into my view the doctor is wearing what appears to be some sort of medical welding mask. I don't know what kind of vd includes rectal projectile vomiting but I didn't have it. I imagined that the special helmet had ultra violet,bacterial illuminating properties and would complete the process. I stared up at the ceiling so to avoid eye contact and to avoid any recognition of what exactly was going on between my legs. I felt the doctor then move my penis, looking at it from every angle quickly but thouroly. Thinking again that the process was near completion I squirmed to get out of this position. The doctor told me to relax, we had one more procedure to complete. I assumed the dreaded proste exam was fast approaching and I tried to relax and take it like a man. I heard the squeaky wheels of the doctors stool roll across the floor and turned my head to see her open a drawer and fish through its contents.

I heard rustling and then the doctor pulled out a Paul Bunion sized q tip swab and then scurried back to her position in between my legs . I raised my head and looked down at her raising up the cotton covered spatula.

What is that?

I am going to take a culture

My ears are up here

A urethral culture, which is down here.

And with no warning she grabbed my penis and jammed the swab in like a drunk trying to get a key into a front door. The sting traveled up my crotch, through my stomach. shot up to my brain and made a sharp u-turn only to repeat the pattern at amazing speed. I squealed and squirmed and cried to Jesus.

How much of that is in there?

Oh about an inch

Feels like 8 inches

we only have a bit more to go

It is quite amazing that a blown up cute q tip can feel like a burning baseball bat when inserted in a penis. After a few more agonizing twists and turns and a few jabs at my duodenum, she slowly removed the violation and instructed me we were through. I fully expected to look down and see her cutting an umbilical cord because this was one unatural procedure. I rose to my feet and fumbled for my pants. Still feeling the sting I looked upon the doctor as she labled the swab and felt attracted to her. Never had I been so willingly abused in such a compasionate fashion.

It was finally over. All I needed now was a bill of health with a smily face and an "okay to play" stamp. I asked the doctor for some kind of proof for my girlfriend. She smiled again and said it will take two weeks for the results. Two weeks I gasped as if I only had ten days to live. She told me that they would only call me if there was a problem but that everything looked normal so far. I got cocky at that point and thought " yeah, I knew that all along" as I walked like a stroke vitcim towards the door, squeezing my legs together as if to suffocate the pain.

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