Coming from a conservative part of the midwest, part of what attracted me to Portland (aside from its stunning landscape) was its unconventional side. It has its fair share of hippy tree-huggers, artsy fartsies, punked up people with piercings in every available orifice, and gosh darnit, I like that. It's rich in culture from its breath-taking museums to its performances in the arts.

Being a little different is normal here. I feel a sense of pride when I see the "Keep Portland Weird" bumper stickers. Amen. Fortunately, it doesn't appear its strangeness will be going out of fashion anytime soon.

If you're ever in this neck of the woods, why don't you take a "weird tour"? Read on and you'll find out how.

The Velveteria: The Velvet Painting Museum is located at: 2448 E. Burnside St. Portland, OR 97214

The Velveteria boasts an impressive 350 paintings on display, made out of, you guessed it: velvet. The owners Caren Anderson and Carl Baldwin have been collecting these gems for over 10 years and are said to have over 2000 of these impressive works of art. Tired of your run-of-the-mill art, this couple set out to change the Portland art scene. They scoured every estate sale, thrift store, garage sale and flea market in search of these fuzzy canvases.

They have a selection that is sure to please all from Elvis, hula girls, celebrities of the '80's, cowboys, naked ladies, gremlins, big-breasted aliens, dog-children, to a various assortment of animal crosses (i.e. jackalopes). Deciding where to start is half the fun as each wall has what can loosely be called a theme. Granted, images of Jesus and Mary are ubiquitous, but you'll have to hunt for Howard Stern and Hawaii 5-0's Jack Lord.

Make sure you don't miss the black light room as n'er a painting exists unless it glows in the dark. The rotating exhibits are among the most popular if you like Elvis, unicornutopia, Michael Jackson's surgical progression, poodletopia, and clowntacular.

Look out, Mr. Wonka! The Candy Basket, located at 1924 NE 181st Ave. Portland, OR 97230, is the home of the 21 foot tall cascading chocolate waterfall. An impressive 2700 pounds of chocolate flow from top to bottom. The fountain itself (and thankfully not the chocolate) has been in existence since 1903 and is made out of sculpted bronze and marble. Some feel well, a little disgusted by the sight, but a true sight it is. Famous for their delectable treats, it's a place definitely worth seeing. Tours of The Candy Basket are available Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings at 9:30am and costs $3 per head.

This band derives its name from the first date it performed in 2003, on Fat Tuesday. They are a uniquely ecclective group of 35 influenced by the Mardi Gras culture, big band, folk, samba, Afro-beat, funk and Rage Against the Machine. With this spectacular mobile big band group, you'll feel as if you've been to the circus, a parade, in the audience of "So You Think You Can Dance?", and a stunning performance of the arts.

The group "accidentally" started in 2003 when a handfull of musicians and artists decided to assemble a marching band for a Fat Tuesday party. Sporting drum harnesses made out of bicycle parts, mismatched wacky band uniforms, stiltwalkers, flag twirlers, fire eaters, burlesque dancers, acrobatics, and hey, why not some fire-eating stiltwalkers, who would have thought they'd soon be performing with the likes of No Doubt, the Youngblood Brass Band and Pink Martini?

If you're not already mesmerized enough, enter the six in-your-face dancers making their way around the audience. These multi-talented beauties are, well... cheerleaders, hip hoppers, belly dancers, ballroom and burlesque dancers. If you weren't already on your feet dancing like a fool, you will be now.

Portland traffic is something to behold, 5:00 traffic is often a steering wheel clenching experience. Out of nowhere enters Mirabilis Statuarius Vehiculum and cars are swerving off the road. Mirabilis Statuarius Vehiculum is Latin for extraordinary sculpted vehicle. It's also an extremely well-travelled vehicle with an astonishing 318 thousand miles on it. Just who is driving this MSV? His name is Scot Campbell, better known as Extremo the Clown, and he's certainly not your average commuter.

Trust me, this is like no car you've ever seen with three hundred heads, with the final head on the back being a fountain. Extremo is a graphic artist famous not only for his quirky car art, but also for running for mayor of this fine city.

Even if you're not lucky enough to spot Extremo, there are plenty of other Portlanders who partake in the art of car adornment. VW buses are a popular canvas. One can also go to the annual Hawthorne Street Festival Art Car Parade or the Alberta Art Hop to catch a glimpse of these ornamental vehicles.

Minutes away from the center of town, at the confluence of the Columbia and Willamette rivers lies Sauvie Island, a place popular among Portlanders who seek to “get away from it all” without going very far. Escaping from the hustle and bustle of the city, one suddenly finds himself rubbing noses with cows and horses, immersed in orchards, a wildlife preserve and u-pick farms. Berries abound with indigenous marionberries growing wild on the roadsides.

Such an earthy experience can quickly become even earthier if one stumbles across the infamous and hardly off the beaten path Collins beach. Called a clothing optional beach, it offers a long stretch of beach where 75% of the beach dwellers opt out of clothing. Walk down to the north end and you'll find volleyball players in the buff. If you're a little shy like myself, you might want to travel to the most northern end where you can secure a bit of seclusion. It's been referred to as a “family beach” with nude little kids doing kiddy stuff. Not sure I'd call it that, but you'll have to make that determination for yourself...

After leaving a friend's house particularly late one night, I came across a man riding naked on his bike. Living in Portland, I immediately concluded this poor homeless soul chose to have a bike over clothing. Seconds later, I spied a flurry of reflective lights ahead of me on the bridge. As I made my approach, I discovered I'd stumbled upon something obscenely wonderful, 100's of bicyclists sporting genitalia only, taking a spin around the streets of downtown Portland. Huh? I had no idea this was an annual event, part of the World Naked Bike Ride. Wearing nothing but a helmet, these riders leave the clothing behind in lieu of epidermal art. I'd serendipitously stumbled upon the largest naked bike ride in North America. Well, crank my chain.

Certainly some participants are invigorated by the freedom of “letting it all hang out”, however the vast majority are riding for a cause: to demonstrate cyclists vulnerability on the road and to protest against oil dependence. It's not surprising Portland is home to such an event as this green city is considered to be one of the most bike-friendly on the globe. From the 1990's, the bicycle network has grown from 60 to an impressive 260 miles.

The 2009 Pedalpalooza Kickoff Dance Party was on Saturday, June 13^th when the last WRBR (World Naked Bike Ride) took place. Last year's ride had over 2000 participants, but 2009 broke the world record with an estimated 5,000 participants. WOW! Read all about it here: http://bikeportland.org/2009/06/14/world-naked-bike-ride-was-it-good-for-you/

SE 56th Ave
Portland, OR 97206
503-775-7909

Who doesn't love a good mystery...hole? Located in the backyard of Pastor Barron, founder of the Universal Church 'O Fun, this “deluxe mystery hole” lives up to its mysterious name. It's not your ordinary deep crevasse into the earth... Barron successfully propagates the mystery behind this cavity by being, well, evasive about inquiries into the purpose of the hole. Evidently, he had a psychic sense about this spot in his backyard and just began digging.

On the descent, the pastor is quick to point out how the ladder gets smaller and smaller. Deep into the well (beware claustrophobics) one finds odd hieroglyphics purported to detail the history of Portland. Is this the evidence of a vanished civilization? Much debate surrounds the hole, but the general consensus among scientists is that it was not created by natural forces.

You'll find a giant double arch with curious inscriptions. Make sure to soak up the “enchanting vapors of encouragement” if suffering from a malady. They are said to have profound healing powers. Stick close to Barron in these underground tunnels and passageways so you don't end up alone in one of the mysterious chambers. You may contact the owner to set up a tour and see for yourself.

There's nowhere like Voodoo Doughnuts, where “the magic is in the hole.” Just south of the Burnside Bridge, located at 22 SW 3^rd Ave, is the home of Voodoo, probably the most unusual doughnut shop you'll ever set foot in. Although the Nyquil Glazed doughnut and the Vanilla Pepto Crushed Tums doughnut were taken off the menu by the local health officials, you won't feel deprived eating the Old Dirty Bastard, The Memphis Mafia, The Arnold Palmer, or the Cock-n-Balls. The signature doughnut is a pretzel-stabbed gingerbread man oozing out red jelly “blood” filling. They offer a wide variety of vegan doughnuts, but meat eaters will gobble up the bacon maple bars. Don't forget to try the Tex-Ass, about the size of four doughnuts in one. If you can eat this glazed beast in under a minute and a half, it's free. Granted, it might catch up with you later...

Update:  I went to Voodoo Doughnuts on 7/26/2009.  It was a scorching day, I mean HOT.  There was a line going down the street to get into the shop.  We waited in line about 20 minutes and finally made our way inside.  It is not air-conditioned, so don't expect to hang out there in the cool air to enjoy your tasty treat.  Also, there is VERY limited seating, what they have is hard to come by.  Anyway, the wait, the heat, the standing up and eating was all worth it.  Unbelievable.  I had the Old Dirty Bastard and my sister had the Tex-Ass.  Yum.

The next Portland Adult Soapbox race is slotted for August, 22^nd 2009 from 10 AM to 4 PM at Mt. Tabor Park: SE 60^th and Salmon.

Granted, Portland's Soapbox Derby certainly has its constituents who participate solely for the excuse to embibe in numerous fancy microbrews starting at noon, but believe you me, there are participants who take this event quite seriously. The requirements for the derby are home-built, non-motorized vehicles engineered out of absolutely anything as long as the materials cost no more than $300. Oh yeah, another rule, no hard liquor. You can save that for the derby after party.

The circus-like atmosphere of this 6 year-old event is something to behold. Crammed into the derby and its environs are women sporting such tees as “Racing Slut” or “Team Emasculator”. Drivers are smoking and drinking on the course. Weird engineers abound. One will see rockets for those concerned about racing, and actually winning the competition. An office cube has been in the competition and a roller skate might pick up a prize for car art.

Portland Alien Museum: 1716 NE 42^nd Ave, Portland, OR 97213. Telephone: (503) 287-8367.

If you've spent some time on Neptune, make sure to share your experience with Lawrence Johns, director of Portland's Alien Museum. His converted Northeast Portland home houses evidence and research in all that is extraterrestrial. He has a doctorate in theology and takes his job of collecting close encounter stories very seriously. Information about the Roswell incident abounds and he even has video monitors of crop circles. You won't want to miss the 3-D alien roller-coaster film either.

He claims that over 350 million Americans believe in aliens and man needs to understand their intent before we can accurately interpret the sightings, crop circles, and abductions our government covers-up.

Kids will love playing with ET, watching classic sci-fi movies and looking at the sci-fi toys. All ages will enjoy the displays illustrating UFO history in Portland and the Northwest. If you have a little time on your hands or have a very strong opinion, I suggest you answer their website's new survey question: Should the Portland Alien Museum organize an international protest to free the 17 aliens held in captivity by the American Military?

707 SE 12th Ave (Cross Street: Alder Street)
Portland, OR 97214-2410
503-232-2640

I had to include Rimsky's because it's one of my all time favorite places to hang out. This is certainly the least weird of all the attractions I've listed... I'd probably call it more quirky, creative, and funky. The owner is Goody Cable and she's managed to create a unique environment where you literally feel like you're hanging out in someone's living room. It is in a cool house in SE Portland, after all. Alhough you'll be mesmerized by the décor, your tastebuds will not take second seat when you are served the coffee or their famous desserts. Wow.

The whole place is decorated to celebrate numerous composers. Everynight you will hear a performer while sitting at (hopefully) one of the haunted tables. I won't let you in on the details, but pay careful attention to where your chocolate cake ends up.

Just a tip, don't wait until your pee break is an emergency, the bathroom is, well, a bit untraditional.

The tours begin at Hobo's Restaurant, 120 N.W. Third Avenue, Portland, OR 97209.

The Shanghai Tunnels are a must see if you like a good spook. Make sure to go around Halloween for optimal scare effect. The tunnels run underground below China town and into downtown. Long ago, their purpose was to connect the basements of hotels and bars to the Willamette River for easy transport. This way goods could be moved back and forth to avoid streetcar traffic.

The spook factor behind the tunnels lies in the old legend that in the 1850's to the beginning of the 20^th century, these tunnels were used to kidnap or “shanghai” unsuspecting workers. These laborers were then taken as slaves and sold to ships parked at the waterfront. They were either drugged, beaten, or dropped through trap doors (visible in the underground) and locked in a prison cell while waiting for a bidder. Bad news if you were standing in the wrong place at the wrong time back then...

Plenty of ghosts are said to inhabit the tunnels. You may see one or hear one crying to be freed. Make sure you take that optional flashlight and don't lose your friends.

2839 NW St. Helens Rd. Portland, OR 97210
Phone: (503) 222.6600

Leave it to Portland to have the world's first vegan strip club. You can find lots of vegans and lots of strip clubs here, but n'er the twine have met until now. Introducing: Casa Diablos Vegan Strip Club. It might look the same as all other such establishments at first, but there are a few differences. The strippers will not be wearing leather, oh no, it's pleather for these environmentally conscious strippers. In keeping with saving the animals, there are no fur signs in the dressing room and soy protein replaces the meat, along with no eggs and dairy. Also forbidden: smoking. This is probably more controversial than the vegan menu.

I'm hearing it's now for sale... Diablo has stated his plan was to get the joint up and running and then sell it. Or maybe it's not doing too well due to its improbable nature. Better hurry before it's history.