I have been reading all the domestic abuse hub mob information. I have been through two emotionaly abusive relationships, as well as being raised in a disfunctional (at best) family. The line between abuse, and normal conflict can often be smudged, and it can be difficult for an abused person to even be fully aware that they are abused. Or perhaps, the problem is admitting it. I have not added my hub to the mob, as I do not feel it contains any usefull advice at all. My hope is, that someone reading it, may be able to indentify with this situation, and see that they are not alone. Every once in a while, knowing your not alone can be of help. And also, check out the other wonderful hubs, that do contain usefull advice. I am sorry this is so long, I tired my best to keep it short.

When is ..it's not THAT bad, not enough any more?
How many times can you say, "it's not like that" before it is just like that?

"did you want something to eat?"

vauge empty stare

I don't know what to do. If he's hungry and he doesn't eat he gets mad, low blood sugar problem. Its best to keep the sugar even. We've disscussed it several times, he always says sorry. It's not like hes mean, he's never called me names, he is just...grumpy.. After the food settles in I can see the color come back to his face, the anger draining fast. It sounds stupid, made up, excuses, but I know about real anger problems.

I know about belts, spoons, hairbrushes, wedding rings and books, pennies furiously hurled one by one directly at my face. I know about screaming, name calling, God and rape. I know how it feels to be preganant and litteraly not eat a thing for weeks because all the money got smoked. Being left,stalking, threats and late night phone calls from prison ...I know what real problems look like.

It's not THAT bad. He just needs to eat regularly.

IF I can get him to answer me.

"Did you eat already? Your home late, I didn't know if you stopped off to eat? I made you dinner. Would you like it warmed up"

"damn, you made me loose again!! I was almost there! Now I have to start all over again. STOP NAGGING ME. GOD..."

"I am sorry, I don't meant to nag, I just wanted to know if you ate already." idiot..you KNOW how unnattractive nagging is...

"No, I didn't eat. I worked all day. What do you think? "

I heat up his dinner.

It sits on the couch for half an hour before he eats it. I am dissapointed, I had worked quite a bit on the meal, and it wont taste good at all now, reheated twice. He stirs it all together and wolfs it down, smiles and says.."Thanks honey. Your so good to me. That was yummy. I love you!!" kisses me sweetly on the cheek and turns the video game back on. I carry his plate to the kitchen and finish the dishes while the children play an insanely loud game of hide and seek upstairs. Im feeling good about the day, I did get alot done. I know he can see how clean the house is, and he is thankful for his clean clothes, even if he doesn't say it.I am happy when I hear the kids play, I remember when I was little, no sound was aloud. If I could be heard, it was too loud. Thank God our children are allowed to play. He is a good father.

They come downstairs and I realize with alarm, they are afraid to go across his line of sight. They are hesitating, nervously just at the edge of the stairs...Start, stop, start, like when your getting ready to jump into a game of double dutch. They don't want to make him "mess up". He has never said anything to them but, well, I suppose they can hear when he gets irritated with me...

"Daddy? Daddy? can you pause the game? I have to go to the bathroom?"

nothing

I feel a tingle of rage, awash with memory, again. I feel the paralyzing fear of ..oh no...I was bad again... Take a deep breath and think to myself..hell no, not them. I am NOT my mother.

"kiddos its fine, It's just a game, Daddy's a grown up, he won't get mad if you need to walk through"

He glares at me, a quick look of near hatred, and smiles kindly, "sure kids." Pushes pause, they scream and giggle as he tries to grab their stomachs when they walk by.

"Brush your teeth peanuts."

In joyus chorus "WE WILL DADDY"

I realize it was a slightly snotty way to say it, but I knew if I asked him, he would ignore me, and I didn't want to make the kids upset, so...

"sorry honey. I wasn't trying to make you mad. The kids just needed to get by and I didn't think you heard them."

"nice. Im a 'grown up'?" can he be any more scathing?

Story time is over, they hug and kiss him goodnight. I love that he reads to them every night. They talk a little about thier days and off to bed. While I am tucking them in I hear the shooting again. The constant shooting...

There is nothing left to do. I can't put the laundry away, that would require crossing the line of vision. And if I go to bed without him, he'll be mad. He won't talk to me for days. I think I hate that most of all. The silence. But at least he doesnt yell. I sit for 2 hours and stare at the game. He occasionally curses quietly when something goes wrong. I am thinking about how to tell him about my day without it being too long. I can talk too much sometimes, a fault I know I have. I know its too long, when I see thier eyes go blank, they aren't listening. I have bored them, again. I can be boring. Its just that I have so many things to say, and no one to say them to. I drift off into dreams and memories. I think, funny, the only people I know now, are my husband, his familly and my children. How did that happen? I had friends...lots of friends...they all slowly dripped away. Bit by bit, this married life took over. I gladly let it, he didnt make me. Did he?

The controler is violently flung to the floor. "stupid game!! Lets see whats on TV. Im to frustrated to go bed."

"OK!!!"

He lets me sit by him. He puts his arm around me and I feel like a teenager on my first date. Well, what I imagine a first date feels like, somehow I always managed to skip the date and now I'm married. It's been so long since he touched me. My heart beats wildy and I sit and stare at his face. I think if I loved him any more, my heart would burst. I think of all the long years Ive known and loved him. I know, I just need to be patient, be careful to not make it any worse, he will come out of it and we will go back to happy. He gently pats my head and without looking at me, a slight crack in his voice....

"Honey I love you more then anything. I don't know how I could live if you ever left me. Im not threatening you, I'm just saying, I dont think I could go on. I am so sorry I've been such a jerk lately. You deserve better."

"I dont want better. I want you. I want you to SEE me."

"I know. I'll do better, I'll be better. I promise."

He holds me close, kisses me softly. Its all I can do to keep the tears away. We make love, and its like magic...

Thats how it goes, I know things will be good again for days, maybe weeks, somtimes even months. I knew if I waited, he would come out of it. Theres no one who can love him like me. Im the only one who understands him. I know how that sounds, but its really not like that. He is so much more then anyone else I've had. Certainly better then what my mother was stuck with all those years. I wonder somtimes if its healthy. Are we ok? The things we dont talk about, but.. its not that bad. We don't fight. We do have good times. I know what abuse is all right. I know what negelct is, and every once in a while, I get nervous. But that's just me, over reacting because of my past, I'm sure. He doesn't abuse me. He is a good man, he loves me. We used to laugh and talk for hours, we had butter fights and kissed in the rain. We went to the movies and stayed out all night. But we have kids now, and I don't have a job, not so much money. That's how it supposed to go? right? why do I feel so scared then? He works hard to provide for us, and I know I can be demanding. It must be hard, being married to me. He puts up with it hte best I think anyone could. I might be going crazy..I'll drop it..I know Im making too much out this. I have to make up my own mind, see..theres no one to ask........

Lifes routine slips on. It gets better it gets worse, its never all that bad. Its in my head, Im too demanding. Im selfish and need to get a grip. When I do good enough, he sees me again. He always says sorry, but I know it's my fault. That thing with that girl comes and goes, he swears he didnt do anything. He was tempted and it was close, he got to her parking lot, that time she got a good story to get him over there. Her dog needed water. But then he stayed in the truck when she went up. Hes a man, he can't help it. I knew I had gained wieght after all...I know she came to our house, but the kids were here. I don't think he would do anything with the kids here. I have no choice but to believe him. I said I forgive you, he didn't want to be forgiven. He hadn't done anything. I had to crawl for months then, I had been wrong in assuming he was wrong. Am I complaining now? Painting him in a bad light? Is THIS wrong..am I cheating with you all here? I apologize if I am. I don't know....my intention is to state the facts, but maybe I got them mixed....

His sister came back and we were finally best friends again. She was a mess and needed me bad. I hadn't had a friend in 7 years. I met my niece and nephew and he resented our friendship, just a little. He started staying out later and later, longer and longer, higher and drunker....summer slipped by...and the world stopped for us that fall. They found him in the woods, alone with a shot gun. Turns out the second times a charm.....I cleaned his apartment, and took care of the cat. It had worms and shat in my bath tub. I let them sit and cry for months and I fed them and slowly life went on. Its a sperate story yet has bearing on this one, as we never talked about it. We cried and clung and "got over it" eventually. Then the day I found the secret. The reasons why, it was never my fault. Well, some would say it was, but I deny that. He said it wasn't my fualt. I can not divulge that information as I know he would feel betrayed. It's not what you think, yet it did hurt me greatly. We cried agian, for a night and a day. The next morning as he went off to work, I feared he was leaving but he didn't have the strength. He can't live without me. He promised never again, and he was so ashamed and sorry. I knew in my heart it was promise he could not keep. Still, I was relieved some, I thought..its all out now..we can be honest and stronger and now he won't leave me any more...

It was the best it had ever been. Slow and shaky but REAL. He could look me in the eye, and he told me he loved me every day. He was sober. We were happy, but we never talked about it again. Untill November 11. I knew it was a promise he couldn't keep. Addictions are hard, especially if a person won't admit its an addiction. "There is no such thing as addiction, its all about choices. You choose to do it or not." This time he's not sorry, he's angry. I need to get over it, it's just how men are. I said I would forgive him and now I have to. Then comes one of the worst 3 day benders I have ever seen. I tell him if he doesn't come home sober on the fourth, I am leaving. He is sober, he tells me "thats why 'he' did it you know. Because my sister left him." Is it a warning? I am terrified.

Two years later, and now I think I broke it. I need to repeatedly apologize for my feelings being hurt. I kept a secret, I didn't even know it was a secret. It was more of an ommision, for the sake of keeping a coversation short enough to be heard. I know now, I should have known all along. But whats done is done and you can't take it back. It was all so smooth and quiet. Not as brightly good as in the begining, but safe and secure and how wonderful it is to be in denial. The years have slipped by and I have learned my role so well that I am safe within it. We have quiet dinners all together at the table. He actively partcipates in the children's lives and only turns to the video games once they are happily on their way. Only when he's drunk does he let it slip, that he's playing his role. He jsut doesnt look at me the same anymore, and I dont know how to fix it anymore. What was once a beautifull thing, deep and real, is a shadow of an existence. How long will I watch the shattered shards of what once was, rain down around me? In this light, driving you home from the bar again, your pale sick face, leaning against the window, as you utter those ugly words to me, the ones I know you will claim to have forgotten tomorrow, I think..but its not like that. He hasn't been like this in years, I pushed him to it this time. The snow is falling and I am afriad I will slip off the road, I can barely see due to the tears that just wont stop...

These things I wont tell anyone, because I dont want to make him "look bad". He told me.."Thats what poeple who cheat do. This is how it starts, they pick at thier spouse, they find tiny flaws, and exaggerate them, so they can feel better about themselves. They look for comfort elsewhere. Trust me if I wanted to, I could find plenty wrong with you too." Well, I am not a cheater. He isnt always like this. I love him, I made a promise and intend to stick by it. But its more then that, I wont even tell myself these things are happening. How would I know, maybe this is all there is. It was a stupid dream, and now is reality, and perhaps I am that weak and useless. I sit and think of the years I have sat alone right next to him. The moments he smiled at me, and I felt I could fly. Only two more miles and we will be home. Does everyone go through this? I stay without sleeping, on the couch. He told me to leave him the fuck alone, so I am. I think about getting in the van and never coming back, but I know I wont. Tomorrow I will need to apologize for it, I will not cry. He hates it when I cry. But its not THAT bad...I have been through far worse.