Nanny 411 Parenting Advice I Need Help
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What did I do wrong?
Not too long ago I thought I was doing a great job as a parent. When my kid was born I had a great time being a new mother. I had no quarrels with the duties of being a mother. Loving them, tucking them into bed, feeding them, cleaning them, singing to them etc... Of course not getting enough sleep was my biggest burden but that wasn't something that frustrated me. It was to be expected and I really didn't mind most of the time because the more time I spent awake with my kid the better.
I thought that I was doing everything right. She was as sweet as could be. She tells me she loves me all the time, she would clean up after herself, she would say please and thank you, help me feed the dog. She was in my eyes, my little princess and I treated her that way because she was a good kid.
I lost my way somewhere along the line. I need help. Lately my child has gotten so out of control that at the moment the best I can do is just keep a distance from her.
- Welcome To Motherhood
Some days being a parent can be tough. I get so tired and even annoyed beyond annoyed. I don't get to sit down for more than 10 minutes at a time. They keep you awake when all you really want to do is...
I was giving her all the time in the world, every moment of my life was dedicated to her. I understand that it is possible that because I spent my life catering to her every need that I have created what she is today... A total brat.
When I ask her to do something, she tells me "no". She tells me she hates me, she tell me to clean up her mess. She throws her food on the floor and expects me to clean it. When I put her in the corner for misbehaving, she fights with me. I heard it all before and it is well to be expected from a nearly 4 year old child. But yesterday, yesterday she got so under my skin that I could feel my outrage growing inside and I needed to get away from her because the frustration that I am feeling for her at the moment is the kind where I know that I need to distance myself from her.
- Is Sex During Pregnancy Practical?
Well sex during pregnancy is perfectly safe. He is not going to poke the baby in the head or damage it but is it practical? Sex during the first trimester seems practical enough if you are not throwing...
A couple of months ago she started acting up. Ignoring everything I tell her. Throwing her toys at me, she even intentionally punched me in the face. These aren't things that I have taught her. I throw her toys in the box from a distance when cleaning up after her and I did smack her in the face once because she bit me in the side and it was a reaction. I felt horrible and apologized to her and told her how bad it was of me to do that but also why she cannot just go around biting people.
Anyways, so yesterday I took her to Sea World. I thought it would be good for us to go out and enjoy ourselves like I did when she was just an toddler. It was so much easier then. And I am kicking myself in the butt because I think that I really shouldn't have taken her. Like I am rewarding her for bad behavior but the guilt of having her in the punishment corner so much recently and raising my voice to her got the better of me and I thought, "Well, if I take her someplace special, then maybe her attitude will change." As if bargaining with her to be a good girl again. Like, if I take her out somewhere special then maybe she will see that no matter what she is still special to me and I love her so much that she would just want to behave better.
- Guilt Parenting
We have all experienced it! It is a horrible feeling! It eats at us, and we let it...but we have got to stop it! I'm talking about the guilt we feel when it comes to our children. I know almost all of you out... - Read With Your Kids
I have read to my child almost every day of her life. I started reading to her before she was born. While she was in the womb, I would lay down and take out a book and practice reading out loud. I figured...
Instead, she screamed at me the whole time on the way there. I missed the U-turn to get into the entrance of Sea World so we had to drive down the road a ways to turn around. In that time she was screaming at me because she wanted to go to Sea World.
For the most part, I can tune her out when I am driving because I have to, to be safe on the road. But after so much of this recently, I got flustered and was yelling at her to stop screaming. I know it wasn't right and I don't think it is right to yell at her but what can I say, I am human.
Finally we get there and get all our stuff packed in the bag and were walking up to the entrance. She wants to wonder off the the Journey of Atlantis and I am saying, "No baby, the entrance is this way, we have to go this way." All the while chasing her down to get her to come with me.
Finally we get there, we get in etc... she wants a stroller. I think, okay that might not be a bad idea because we will be walking for a while and she might need a rest. An hour later she tells me she doesn't want the stroller so we have to walk all the way back to the entrance to return it. Then she starts throwing a fit because she is hungry but I cannot do anything for her because I told her to eat her breakfast before we left, which she refused to do and fed her cereal to the dog.
None of the food places opened up until 10:30 so there wasn't much I could do. Getting my kid to eat has been an ongoing battle. Other mothers and fathers has said that I should not feed her then. That she will eat when she is hungry. So I try it out and still she wont eat, when she does ask for food, she either takes one bite and says she doesn't want it or she will throw it away. This makes me angry because I don't have the money to spend on her wasting food all the time and as a person who hates to waste anything, it does piss me off.
So after I finally found a place to get her some milk, she takes a sip and tell me to hold it for her. So I do. Then she wouldn't drink it without a straw then she just refused to drink anymore of it. So I told her I would throw it away if she doesn't want anymore. Then after I throw it away, she tells me she wants more milk and that she is still hungry.
So, we go on about Sea World waiting about 45 minutes for something to open up, then something does, the people working there just ignore me while I am standing there waiting for get a burger and fries because it's something that my kid "might" eat. Then I said forget it after 10 minutes standing there with my finger up my butt.
- How to be a Perfect Parent
My baby girl and I were taking a walk to the store today to pick up some vegetables for dinner. We takes walks often, actually I made a promise when she was born that everyday we would take a walk together,...
So I just get her some popcorn instead because at least she will eat that and it will hold her over until I can find some place else. On the way we go to the Shark Exhibit. She likes this, I am thinking "Okay!" now we can spend some quality time together. Nope, while we are going through the exhibit she starts getting angry with all the people because she can't see the sharks. So I wait patiently for the people in front of us to move and block off a section so she can squeeze in but instead of saying thank you.
She turned around and pushed me down. It hurt me feelings pretty bad but I sucked the tears that were forming in the corner of my eyes back in so know one would know that my kid seriously just really hurt my feelings. It seemed all well from then on and we went back a couple more times.
Then we went to the Dolphin show and sat in the soak zone because I thought maybe she would have a little more fun if we got wet and she would see the dolphins up close. Instead of her getting excited about being splashed she got pissed off about being soaked so we had to leave. Now she has her fist and teeth clenched letting me know that she is really angry.
I just laughed it off because I didn't know what else to do. Finally after that we find a pizza place and I know she will eat cheese pizza, so we order the cheese pizza, which cost us about 20$ BTW and what does she do? She doesn't want it and throws her food on the ground. Not to mention she insisted on sitting at the handicap table.
With my hands full trying to drop anything off the tray, I ask her politely 5 times to follow me because we aren't allowed to sit at those tables. She just ignores me, my hands are full, I don't know what else to do, I am running out of patience so I yell at her. "Morgan, we cannot sit there we have to find another place." Then some stupid girl looks at me like I need to learn how to control my kids. And while I do need help, it certainly does piss me off especially when they have no kids of their own.
- Kids are Evil!
Sure looks sweet huh? I was just prompted to write about how evil these fantastic little sh*ts are! My kid...this one right here. She is cute right? Guess again! She is only three and she is abusive! How...
- When Your Kid Tries to French Kiss You.
Not too long ago my brother called me freaking out. His daughter tried to french kiss him and wanted to kiss his neck. This troubled my brother for some time and he felt he was a bad parent and he felt that...
Now after my brother and niece finally show up two hours late, my kid is like an angel though she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. She would look around for me to make sure I am around which tells me she wants me there but she just doesn't want to hang out with me. Fine, I get it, my kid is outgrowing her own mother.
My brother says to me that she is going to sleep like a doll before we even get out of the parking lot. I says, god I hope so. I fight with my kid every single night about bed time. I put her to bed around 7:30 because she doesn't nap and she is only 3 but she doesn't actually go to bed until well after 11:00 because we spend the next three hours fighting about her going to bed. She use to go to bed right away, no arguments.
We sing lullabies and read stories until 8:00 and then I turn off the lights, give each other hugs and kisses, we tell each other how much we love each other and then she would go to bed. Now, I still do the same thing but after 10 minutes she gets back up and I cannot get her to go back to bed and stay there.
So yesterday, she fell asleep in the car before we even got out of the parking lot. I was excited. I thought for sure, tonight I can have some peace and quite because even I am exhausted. Nope, she woke up when we got home after I put her into bed, then she was up chasing the dog around, asking for food. When I gave her a grilled cheese sandwich she said no, I want popcorn.
Now, I am trying to really put my foot down. I said, you cannot have popcorn, if you are hungry you will eat the grilled cheese sandwich. Then she didn't eat it and cried about how hungry she was, threw a fit because I wouldn't give her popcorn. Then I put her in the corner because I was done her attitude for the day. I asked her to stop and gave her several warnings before doing so as I always do but she still wouldn't quit.
After I put her in the corner she kept trying to leave. She used to sit there and wait for the two minutes and then apologize for whatever it was that she had done. Now, she takes to telling me she hates me, pushing me, running away from me etc...
Long story, I am sorry. But please!!!!!!!!!! I need help. This morning wasn't any different. She refused to get out of the bathtub when I asked her, she asked for food but wouldn't eat it and then finally I just told her that she needs to stay away from me for a little while because I don't like the way she is treating me.
And you know what also really sucked? She didn't even say thank you for taking her to Sea World. She said she didn't have fun. Please can I have some real advice. None of that stupid la la crap you get out of a book because the books aren't working anymore. Yes, please point out my flaws as a mother if you need to. I am sure I am making a hundred mistakes but really what I am looking for is a solid way of correcting her behavior without loosing my patience.
I don't want to be that mother who yells at their kids all the time but right now, this is how I feel.
PS, I am also fully aware that the problem might not be with my kid but with me. Just be easy on me okay. I am confused and frustrated to the point where I do need to feel encouraged to make good changes. Thank you.
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So (thanks btw) your saying that I should just let her be and let her do her own thing without me and if she needs me then I should ignore her unless asked in the correct manor?
Hi Sandra, I sympathize very much with what you are going through. I'm a mother too but my son is a grown up man. I've been through tough times with him too and I wish I could've been there for myself with the things I know today.
The first thing I'd like to tell you is, please don't apologize for correcting her, even if the correction is strong. Once I was told that kids of course need limits, and test their parents for limits. If they don't find them, if they are allowed to do whatever crosses their mind, it's terrible for them, it's like walking a corridor where the floor and the walls give way instead of being firm, imagine the anxiety that creates. So that would be the first rule, establish normal, although few, limits, and do not move from them.
The second thing is not a rule, it's an advice I got when I was a young mother from a French book about parenting and I have to say sometimes it works like magic. It's the technique of "The Mirror". Whenever Morgan goes into any type of anger, tell her just that, without explanations, "you are angry, darling". You yourself have to be something between neutral and tender, not angry, just in your heart understanding that the kid is having a type of painful experience, it doesn't matter if you know why or not. She certainly does not know why, no matter her talking about food or anything like that. So you just keep telling her, "Oh darling, you are angry, you are unhappy, you are angry." Or even, if she tells you "I hate you", you keep repeating back to her, "you are hating mom, you are hating mom". In my experience (I've done this also with other kids in the course of my life) after you start telling them just that, just what they feel, (without explanations), they keep on with the show of anger a little bit more and then they calm down, it's like popping a balloon. So this is number two: "The Mirror".
Finally, last but not least, I sincerely think that both you and Morgan would benefit from taking the Dr. Edward Bach Flowers. If you are interested, these are a type of homeopathic floral remedies, entirely safe and extremely effective, to treat primarily emotional issues. In the US there are no places where they prepare them for you, so you will have to buy them and prepare them yourself (I'll write to you what to buy and how to do it if you wish), but boy you are going to be happy with them. You won't believe the change this is going to bring to both your lives. Just let me know here that you'd like to try them and I'll write back either here in the comments or through an email, whichever you wish.
Best to you, with affection. R.
About the not cleaning up, if it regards toys, take them all away. I know it sounds harsh, but it will teach her a lesson, make her earn them back. I may be doing that with my daughter soon, she hardly ever cleans her mess and she is nearly 7. I agree with the above poster as well about spending time away from her. If she has tantrums, ignore her, she does it for the attention. what my parents used to do is if I asked for something, I had to eat it, if I didn't like it, too bad, I wouldn't get another thing till I finished what I asked for. I do the same with my kids Beleive me, I am no expert either, I am also dealing with a 2 year old lunatic. I love both my kids, but sometimes I just wanna cry, because they are acting so mean and disrespectful, and I get such mean looks from other people, my own brother told me to control my monster. That really hurt to, I even went out to my parents car and cried for a few minutes after he said that. He didn't see me do it, and I didn't want him to see it either. But what did he expect of a than almost 2 year old, in a non childfriendly house? Spencer couldn't play with anything there. So beleive me when I say, I feel your pain.
Hi Rosario, note taken on the apologizing to her thing. I know that you aren't the first person to tell me this and I should be listening. I will in fact "listen" this time rather then finding a reason why I should apologize. After all I am trying to be her mother. On the flower remedy thing. I think I might like to try it for myself. As for on my kid, I dunno. I am a little sketchy when it comes to giving her things that have not been prescribed by a doctor. But definitely send me an email about it. I might just have to check it out! :D
Hi Cherrish, I can totally relate with you on the things other people say. It seems pretty easy to tell who has children and who does not. I have had that happen to me in a non baby proof home and I think I would have cried had it not been for grandma pointing out that it isn't exactly a baby proof home and well to be expected. Plus she also gave me good encouragement and let me know I was doing a fine job for the circumstances and that I don't listen to people when they say things like that.
It is interesting that we applaud our kids first attempt to walk and their first attempt to talk, but the most important event of all, their attempt to be independent, totally freaks us out! First I would say, YAY! You have a strong willed little girl who has amazing skills! She knows how to manipulate and to be a leader; she knows what she wants and how to get it; she communicates!
Now, how to survive this as a mother? Tough love offers lots of help in this, even if it targets teenagers. When I had little ones, I was told that if the problems of 2 aren't overcome, they will be worse at 12- every ten years we somehow manage to revisit issues. But that is another fascination.
Tough love says: 1. Stop enabling your child. By constantly asking her what she wants, you have given over the power. 2. Be respectful of your daughter but let her know you expect her to be respectful in return. 3. Be strong, not cruel.
Easier said than done? You might want to check out this site: http://www.parenting-child-development.com/parenti and buy the book recommended. However, the key to this book is stated right on this webpage:
"Native Americans did not believe in permissive parenting. They believed, as I do, that children don't come into the world knowing how to behave appropriately in different social situations. So how do children learn to get along with others?
"We teach them."
My heart goes out to you, Sandra. Parenting is truly the toughest job you will ever love.
Story, you always say it the best. "the toughest job you'll ever love" Werd!
You know, I didn't think that I was handing over the power to her. You have to be so right because I do ask her what she wants all the time figuring that she deserves choices. Obviously this has backfired on me.
I am not sure how to revert back to having the power without making her feel like she doesn't ever have a choice. Or maybe this is paranoia on my part and she will get it. She is pretty dang smart.
The child has control, not the parent and it should be the other way around.
It's not just that she misses the boyfriend that is causing her attitude, it's the fact that it sounds like HE was the disciplinarian, the parent in control. So, now control is lost.
Sounds like she does not attend school. She really needs to be in school where she would have a LOT more daily interaction with someone other than mom.
You are right that she deserves choices, but you really only make it appear to be a choice. Instead of are you hungry? or what do you want to eat? give her a choice among one or two things to eat and not eating at all. Example: You have the choice of chicken nuggets or quesadillas. She says, I want popcorn, you repeat, your choices are chicken nuggets or quesadillas. Do this with everything. Your choice is to clean up your toys or go to your room. Do not argue with her, she makes the choice. If she chooses not to clean up the toys, put her in her room. No arguing, just doing.
That's just one suggestion. But whatever you choose to do, STICK WITH IT! It won't happen over night, it's a slow, gradual process so be patient. But remember you are the parent and children DO need boundaries to function in this world however harsh it may seem at the moment; it's a must. Don't be afraid of discipline and tough love whether it's a stern voice or even ignoring her.
Also, when you do move, expect the behavior may actually get worse before it gets better even if she is with your boyfriend again because it is tough for a child to adjust to a new environment, especially when the adults in her life are also adjusting as well.
Oksay, that was harsh but I hear ya.
One more question. Just stopping by, how many chances should I give her before I make her go to her room? I usually repeat myself nicely about 5 times before I put my foot down. Is that too many chances?
Sandra, both my boys are young men now, but I can remember the frustrations. I also remember what a brat I was as a kid. Your daughter sounds like she has a whole lot of potential. I hope you can manage to work out who is the boss and help her reach her potential.
One thing that comes to mind from my own experiences is this:
Find the one thing that matters to her and make sure she understands that it is being taken away from her as punishment for unacceptable behavior. The amount of time this one thing is being taken away from her should be determined by the "crime" so to speak.
Once I started counting, by the time I got to three they knew what the punishment would be. Of course this takes repetition before it sinks it, so make sure you are consistent.
I know when they were younger it was "no TV" but when they were older it became "no basketball". So knowing what matters to Morgan will help determine what her punishment should be. Good behavior can be rewarded, you'll find that helps a wee bit when you do have to enforce the "tough loved" discussed.
Not much really, but it might be something to think about.
Hi Duchess, glad to see you hear too. Yes, a lot of the posters have mentioned "tough love". I think for me it is going to be really hard. Lord knows I love my kid more than anything in the world but boy is she smart.
I tried the "take it away" approach and she literally told me, "go ahead". Arrrr!!! She is too smart sometimes and I think I have my work cut out for me.
I also tried the counting thing and she started counting with me. I am starting to think that I need to make options obsolete because she is playing me.
I really do think I need Nanny 911 to come and help me.
Hi sandra one of my grandchildren was acting exactly as your child is and we took him to the doctor to be tested for A.D.D.Attention Deficit Disorder where the body acts to certain types of foods especially sweets and fizzy drinks.We started him on his special diet which was really hard to control but it worked, quiet as a lamb regards brownlickie
Well, I wouldn't put it past her that she just might be. Sometimes I have to raise my voice and clap my hands as loud as I can to get her attention. Not sure if it the same thing but who knows.
I am glad that it worked for you guys. In a couple of weeks here I am hoping to get something under control. Thanks for you input brownlickie.
Hi Sandy, I can remember those days of frustration. It sounds like you have a very strong willed child. I raised two daughters, one very strong willed and one compliant. The difference of the two was like night and day. Fortunately I was referred to a book by Dr. James Dobson who is a licensed family psychologist and taught at the University of Southern California's School of Medicine. His book Dare to Discipline has sold over 2 million copies. I even read it again for help when I started teaching. Strong willed kids need a strong leader in the home and in the classroom. Otherwise they will lose respect for you and try and take control. Dr. Dobson provides good guidance and some good strategies that really help.
Hang in there. Greg
I think I will check that one out. Dare to Discipline. You make sense to me. Strong willed kid needs strong will leader. I was reading Dr. Spock for the first 3 years but after a while it wasn't giving me any really good solutions to the problems so I think I will give Dr. Dobson a try. Thanks Greg.
Well I'm about to be PC, so take what I say with a grain of salt. If your kid gets violent for any reason, that's the time to break out the belt. Use the belt for a very few things: violence, stealing, property destruction. If they get spanked every time they act in those ways, it will deter that sort of behavior.
As for the talking back and disrespect, well, I grew up Catholic and my mom was great at using guilt against us when we even acted like we were going to be disrespectful. Heck, she'll still do it today. Get all teary eyed and tell us that we don't even love our mother, how much she suffered through labor for us and how much she loved us. It's worse with me because she'll break out the photo albums. I was born premature, and she spent every day for four months in the hospital with me. So that really cut down on the nonsense she got from me.
You seem to know where you went wrong. Catering to a kids every need spoils them and causes them to act out. What they're looking for are boundaries. Unfortunately, her actions are so out of control the only option you have at this time is to set hard boundaries. If she starts to get the message, you can loosen up after a while, but for the most part you have to keep those boundaries firm. At any rate, good luck.
Thanks ledef. I do know where I went wrong now. It's obvious from all the post and from reading back on what I wrote.
My parents used to give me the belt at least twice a week. Well, my dad gave me the belt and my mom gave me the shoe, it's a Polynesian thing.
My mom would also pull the guilt trip thing on me and my brothers when we were growing up but I put a stop to that about 10 years ago when I could plainly see what she was doing.
I have spanked Morgan a couple of times for seriously misbehaving. The first time was when she kept wiping doo doo on the walls and floor. After 3-4 times of that I had enough.
The second time was just last week when she got into some aquarium water testing stuff and I didn't know if she had swallowed it or not. She knew better and it wasn't problem until she just got way to out of control recently so, I put her over my lap and spanked her. No belt though. That just brings back painful memories... not something I will do to her.
Plus these days you can get arrested or something for spanking your kids. When I was growing up, I called CPS on my parents for spanking me and they pretty much laughed at me and told my parents they were doing the right thing.
Today if you spank your kids you can get in trouble so I don't do it unless it is absolutely necessary.
After reading your story, the comments, and refering back to a parenting class that I took a few ago, I agree with the issue about who is in control. You must set your boundries and stick to them, "no matter what,"and over time this will become easier. I encourage you to give your daughter choices, but like I read in a previous post, the choices you give her are limited to two or three choices and do not give in. I have two daughters, they are 21 and 13. They are like night and day. There are days I would like to rip my 13 year olds head off, but I love her to much to do that, so I find myself creating distance from her. Dealing with a 13 year old is a bit different from a 3 or 4 year old. Therefore, I could use some advice with how to discipline my daughter. She has an extremely hard time shutting her mouth, she simply does not know how to keep her mouth shut. She is very disrespectful to me, and I have had all I can take. SOmetimes I think that maybe I don't allow her to do enough, but I am protective over her. We live in Las Vegas, Nevada. Living in this city can make a parent a bit over protective, because of fear that someone may snatch my blue-eyed blonde and I would never see her again.
That's rough. I wish I had some advice for you myself. Hopefully someone will chime in here and help you out. :)
Sorry I didn't get back to you, Sandy. For the most part, yes, you two just need a little space. I sense some hostility between you two caused by cabin fever or claustrophobia. Any two people who are always together will eventually get tired of one another. It's just human nature.
Going back to your question after my first post, Yes. You are correct!
If you want some interaction from her, don't raise your voice. Make it seem like you genuinely need her help and when she does help, commend her for her hard work and tell her about how much you brag about her to all of her friends' parents. Believe me, she'll eat it up as long as you do this correctly and stick to the game plan.
Thanks dohn, I believe you are right. Other commentators have also said that she needs to have interactions with other people besides myself and I believe they and you are all right.
They pick up stuff so fast, so in the last couple months were I have been yelling at her, she is now yelling back at me. I did employ one of the suggestions that someone left about telling her she is angry when she is angry...
It really worked! It was almost funny. She was getting lippy with me in the car, I said are you angry, she screamed. "YES, I am angry". I said, "Okay, your angry". etc... after about a minute of establishing she was angry she stopped.
It was a pretty amazing tip. :D
omg are you serious i have four children i rarely spank my children but if one of my children would have pushed me down i would have been arrested because i would have tore her butt up now again i rarely spank my children but i do if need be and for you need be she seems to think there is no cosequence for her bad behavior and if time out does not work take some things from her she likes make her apologize when she does things at first it may be forced but she will figure out why its important to admit she is wrong when she gets a little older you make my four sound like angels dont let your child terroize you take control dont give in a good luck keep your head up this to will pass
Thanks Americanized. :)
Great blog about being so honest about a challenging personal problem. I have raised five children and I write a lot about emotional recovery skills. Children need our unconditional love, but they need consistent rules and consquences too. Anyhow, sounds like you need a break. For fun,please visit my HUB about cruising. Yes, let go for awhile: http://hubpages.com/hub/ebywaycruise Peace.
Dear Lady, I SO feel for you. I remember when my children were that age. 3 1/2 is much worse than the terrible twos!
You need to reel this child in and fast. No more excuses for bad behavior!!! Your child is pushing you and every time it works out for her it reinforces that this is a good thing to do. The first thing you must do is come up with consistent consequences for consistent behavior. I say you must do this, because I really feel consistent discipline is the only way to teach a child at that age that you mean business. Make sure that means rewards for good behavior too. For example, she picks up her toys by herself and nicely, she gets ice cream or some other treat - if she doesn't do the job, she doesn't get the reward.
If she says I hate you, or some other disrespectful, hurtful thing, then you need to make it clear to her that you don't like to be talked to that way and then she needs a consequence - not everything is about time outs. Find consequences like grounding her from her favorite show or favorite toy, make her leave wherever you are and take her home...., make the consequence "suit the crime". And do it, every single time no matter what. Not only does she have to learn to behave, she now needs to unlearn bad behaviors, so it will take a bit longer.
Let her throw fits! Tell her "I will talk to you when you feel better, but no one wants to see you act like that" and put her in a chair and walk away. If she gets out, say "That's five more minutes in the chair now" and make sure you follow through, Five, or three more minutes for every infraction if she has to sit there all day - trust me after a day or two of that - she'll get the idea that's not getting her anywhere....
Good luck sweetie!
Hi Happy. I am totally working on it. I do need to be more consistent with punishments. I got too lenient and do blame myself for this. I think the hardest part is going to be undoing the bad behavior. And yes, time out doesn't work well anymore.
Time for this mommy to mean business.
Hi Sandra, I don't think there's a parent in the world that hasn't felt like you at some time or another. I have a teenage son who got in with the wrong crowd and that's a whole other ballgame. There is lots of help out there in the form of books and parenting programs. Check these out - Transforming the Difficult Child by Howard Glasser (works for all kids; not just high maintenance ones) and the Total Transformation Program by James Lehman. Good luck!
Thanks sue. I certainly understand I am not the only parent in the world to feel this way. I was using books for a long time but felt that I needed some real parents advice on this one because I did let it get out of control which is something that a lot of the books that I had been reading didn't address.
So, I will have to give those books you suggested a try. Thanks you and best wishes on working with your son. I am a long way from having dealing with a teenager but I wasn't the greatest one myself so I feel for you. Good luck as well.
Hi Sandra
I can see that you love your daughter, but are finding it difficult to like her at present. You have been given some great advice. Having seven children, aged from 14 years down to 14 months I can agree that the main thing is to be consistent.
Do not accept disrespect. Try to make any negative behaviour counter-productive. In other words, ask yourself what she wants to get out of her bad behaviour, and make sure she gets the opposite. If acts up because she wants to go out - stay home. If she has a tantrum because she wants to stay home - go out. If negative behaviour gets her what she wants she will continue to do it. If she gets the opposite of what she wants the behaviour will stop in a hurry. Be firm but kind. Never react in anger to her, but calm yourself and stay totally in control of your emotions. Never let her see that she is irritating you. Be cheerful! Let it appear that nothing she does bothers you in the least. When she is behaving well reward her with loads of attention. Read and play with her, delight in her company, and do brag to others about the positive things she does. Again, be consistent. It will take time, because for the first four years of her life she has had everything her way, and it will be tough for her to learn that things have changed. It may be helpful to talk to her about it. Tell her that you want to be her best friend, and that this is not possible with the anger and arguments between the two of you. (She will not be enjoying the tension either). Say that you are going to help her to be a sweet girl, and that together you are going to overcome this problem. Don't overdo it, and make it a one-off conversation, don't fall into the trap of always explaining every decision you make.
About counting when you have asked her to do something... I never do it. I train my children to obey the first time they are asked. If you train a child to obey after you count to five they will ALWAYS wait until you get to five before they obey. It is just as easy to train them to obey the first time as it is at the count of five. The same goes with raising your voice - a child will wait until you reach the volume and pitch at which they know you are going to enforce obedience, and then obey. If you speak softly and firmly and they know you mean it and will enforce it consistently they will obey the soft voice.
I really hope this helps, and that you and your daughter grow to like one another again.
P.S. Of the books recommended, I would agree that James Dobson is a great author.
Blessings
Paulette
That's very insightful Paulette. It made me giggle a little because that is how my own dad was, counting was never an option and I think my dad did a great job and I have the most respect for him so it must be so.
You make a lot of good points.
My comment is SO not intended to offend you. But here's the reality: you've given everything and she's learned she has to give nothing at all. She knows she is the center of the universe, the constant source for everyone's attention, and when she doesn't get it, she becomes a tempest in a teapot. All your wonderful, loving efforts have been construed by her as permission for her to be "special", "entitled" and arrogant.
What to do? You'll first have to live through all the temper tantrums and yelling and fits which will eventually die down. But it will take time. But from this day forward, you'll have to retrain her. That means that she must learn respect and love for you and all others. That means when she acts with anything less than love and respect, you simply walk away and ignore her. That's what she's doing to you, afterall. When she follows you have a choice of putting her in a room or something. With my kids, they were sent to their room not for a specific time period, but only on this one condition:
"You can come out and be a part of things ONLY when you have love in your heart and be nice to yourself, to me and everyone else. You may NOT come out until then. If you come out before then, you'll have to go back to your room."
Also, in this kind of scenario, you have to give the child options of how to handle being alone, a little at a time. At first they won't want to know. But then they'll be thirsty as to how to handle the time alone. Teach them how to have a happy time by themselves. It will pay big dividends throughout their lives.
This way, nothing becomes a punishment. The harsh reality is that everything has a downside, but in learning to cope with the downside, we gain the skills of how to be happy much more often. And as a mom, this what you really want, I would imagine.
You are such a good mom already. You will always be a good mom. But you can't give your small child a driver's license when they're not ready for it. They have to gain all the other skills they need to acquire it. So now she needs better skills about what to do when she's bored and insists you entertain her.
Sending best thoughts.
sandra, I think it's great you're asking for some ideas. I'm not a child psychologist, but I'm pretty good with kids. I enjoyed my own three children's early childhood years in a relaxed environment that still included respect and their being kids who had a reputation from being "very well behaved". (I'm only bringing that up as "credentials", in view of my lack of degree in child psychology.) When I offer my "humble opinion" I do, sincerely mean "humble". What works for one family doesn't always work for another.
I think you waited to long to establish that you're in charge (but a "friendly, loving, team-leader" kind of "in charge" - not "bigger-than-you-and-boss" kind of "in charge"). I was only kind and understanding to my children, but I just kind of established a take-it-for-granted kind of thing when it came to "I'm the one who 'shares' 'the way things are done' with you; because I know how much you want to know how to be a nice person." I think the whole chaotic situation you're describing probably means "the order of things" (between parent and child) is just kind of "all turned upside down" right now, and you and she are both suffering from the lack of sureness that comes when the order of things is right; but you're also both involved in power struggles and resentment (that is assuming she doesn't have some ADHD-type of problem causing it).
I think you need to first address the problem of establishing that she is to respect you and others; and I think you may need to approach the overall situation of less-than-great behavior by dividing it into two phases: 1. Working on the things that, in grown up society, are considered "socially acceptable" and then 2. Working on the smaller things (like cleaning up toys, establishing good eating habits regularly, etc. These things aren't the things that, for example, make a grown-up "socially unacceptable". Pushing people down and generally disregarding rules about social behavior does make grown-ups "socially unacceptable"). Of course if you were to use a "Phases" approach, you wouldn't want her to think she's got the upper hand on matters like toys and meals, etc.; and the way I think you deal with that is kind of let her know that "for the next few days we're not going to be worrying about toys in the living; because we're going to be working on making things between us the way things are supposed to be between little girls and their mommies." That would let her know you're the one who decided the toys don't matter much for the next few days. To drive the point home that this is YOUR decision, you could even mark a calendar for, say, a week.
If she were my child (and I don't know if the "experts" would agree) I'd then have a pleasant-enough (but serious) talk with her to start "phase 1". Many young parents underestimate how much little kids understand. In fact, when parents do that it can make the child feel like nobody knows she's smarter than adults think. I'd say something like, "I don't like what's been going on with us. It's not how things are with other little girls and their mothers; and I'm starting to worry that when you start school you may not know how to behave the way little school children have to behave. If you don't know how to behave you won't have any friends. The other thing, though, is that little girls and their mothers are supposed to be happy together - not angry all the time. I'm going to set some new rules that will make us feel happier, and that will make our home be a nice, peaceful, place."
I'd then tell her that if she's unhappy she can talk to me about it, and if I'm not pleased with something I can talk to her about it (but calmly). The "new rule" is that nobody yells at, or hits/pushes, anybody else - ever. I'd tell her if she broke that one "easy, simple" rule there would be consequences; and I'd tell her what they would be. (Something like not watching a favorite tv program, not getting anything bought for her when you're out, whatever would mean something to her). Then I'd consistently follow through on those consequences. If her only problem is that she hasn't learned to behave properly yet, she'll learn if you consistently do that. You do need to be calmly in charge and use a "regular" voice (not syrupy or not "mean") voice to establish the rules. I wouldn't give her any particular rewards for, say, a day she doesn't act aggressively. Just let it her know this is what is expected of all people. If she's being "good" all day just enjoy the time with her. Don't mention "not being bad today". Speaking of "bad", don't ever use the word "bad", and don't say, "I don't know what's wrong with you." (She'll believe there is something wrong with her, won't know what it is, and will just accept that she's isn't a "good" girl.)
Make it a point to establish a time you'll be spending "sit-down" time together (as opposed to just kind of doing your own thing, separately or together). Do something like "play Barbies" or draw pictures - something that will make her feel how peaceful and nice it is to just enjoy being together. If you can have several days of working on the respect thing (because that's going to serve you well for the rest of her childhood); and of just kind of otherwise being relaxed about some of the less important matters, maybe then she'd start to see the benefits of feeling "more on your side" and be more likely to want to work with you on "phase 2". If she isn't, at least you may have established calmness, control, and respect enough to then use consequences if she won't cooperate on things like basic toy-picking up. Even with that, though, doing something like limiting how many toys she has access to before getting more can help keep toy picking up from being more than a four-year-old can handle. Sometimes, too, it can help to have smaller rules about things like toys: No toys in the living room, but as big a mess as you want in your own bedroom (for now); or only a few toys in the living room because it's too hard to clean up too many toys from too many rooms. (That kind of thing.)
Also, giving young children some sense of freedom while also having a few basic, reasonable, rules can make them see the sense in rules and more likely to go with them. Something like, "no running in the dining room because there's breakable lamps, but running down the hall is fine". Or, "no throwing balls in the house; that's for the yard". If a child hasn't been introduced to some basic (but reasonable and easy-to-understand-and-remember rules) they tend to kind of be like Helen Keller (before Anne Sullivan. :) Rules like "eat every last pea or you can't leave the table" can be a little too much for a four-year-old (who pretty much rightfully believes he shouldn't be forced to eat once he's had enough).
I don't know if any of these thoughts will be at all helpful; but, again, I admire that you're looking for ideas on improving things. How lucky you are to have a little girl that age. :) (My daughter is grown - and wait 'til you get a load of the worries when you're at that stage :) ). (For whatever it is or isn't worth, if you want to e.mail me for objective thoughts, whether or not they're helpful or not, please feel free.)
You know Lisa, you have to be absolutely right. I am bipolar and one of the things that I always hated was when my parents said there was something wrong with me.
I think I said it one time as it has always been in the back of my mind that saying those things were not in our vocabulary because I remember how it made me feel.
It was maybe a couple weeks ago when I said it and it's when I realized I needed to change something because that is not the mommy I want to be or am and definitely not the mommy I want my kid to know.
I wish I would have started asking for help sooner but I thought I could fix it by talking to her and then it got progressively worse over a short period of time. Which is were we are today.
I did start using some of the advice other parents left and I do see an improvement. Nothing extraordinary but enough to see that it must be working.
One was putting an end to the "counting". She played it with me last night again but instead, I gave her only one warning. She did it again and I made her go right to the corner.
Oddly, she didn't try to fight me on it. She cried of course but she went without screaming and this to me was a huge step in the right direction.
I also didn't give her all the choices in the world the last few days for breakfast. I gave her two. She still refused and I told her then she gets nothing.
I didn't raise my voice, she didn't raise her voice and it seems to be moving right along. Back to my girl, so right now I have to work on being absolutely consistent with her.
This is how she was before we started having problems. She did things I didn't like, I did give her warnings before and count but she would go but of course she "slowly" started to take advantage of it and before I knew it she got control.
So, all this advice is really something and I am happy that I asked. I feel like my stress level is coming down a bit so that when she is acting like her age; I feel better prepared to handle it in a positive way.
As for ADHD or something like that, I am not sure she is giving me any warning signs that she is, I do think she started intentionally ignoring me though.
Thanks you so much for your thoughts and advice.
Thank you Daniel for your thoughts. I am not sure that her being the center of my universe was ever the problem but I can imagine that it might be confusing for her if we got a long just fine for a long time and her struggling for independence.
I do believe you are right though, that I shouldn't give her a license to drive if she is not ready. This makes sense to me. I have been pretty good at allowing her, her own pace so the power struggle that we have been having was a potentially dangerous one.
Good advice, thank you.
Sandra, I'm glad you're seeing some progress with some of the ideas people offered. (I wasn't implying she has ADHD - only aware that my "plan" probably wouldn't work if she did. :) ). I think it's too bad more parents don't feel comfortable talking to others and "pooling their ideas" and support; because all parents have some type of challenges and could use the support of others. Best wishes.
No worries Lisa, I didn't think you meant that she had ADHD. I think your right, more parents should feel comfortable talking to other parents.
One day I will probably be on the other end and offering advice for other parents who get to this point. Thank you so much for your time, advice and encouragement. :D
It is called tough love and that is what you need to do. Look it up, google it or get help in person from a friend. Do it now because if you do not things will only get worse. Timeouts worked great for my kids. As she gets older the only thing you can do is to control, as much as possible, who her peers are, who are the kids she is allowed to spend time with, outside of school. What ever you do, do not use violence, but be tough. You are her parent, not necessarily at this time does that mean you are her friend. You have let this go on too far already. Hang in there you can do it but START NOW.
I remember my mom would say those words to me when I was a kid and she still does sometimes these days. "I am not your friend, I am your mother." When I was a kid she would throw in the old, "Do you treat your friends like this." When I would say, "I would rather have a friend."
It's sorta funny that all those things that my mom would say, I never understood when growing up but understand better now with my own kid.
Sandra,
WoW! While reading this hub I have had flashbacks of many days similar to what you described! I have 5 kids -- 4 girls and one boy. Oddly enough, most of the behavior problems are with my girls. Anyway, I am a big fan of Dr. Phil and he has some great advice regarding parenting.
First of all, it is not too late to regain control. However, as others have said, it needs to be done now before it gets worse. You are the parent she is the child. That is your relationship and it needs to be specifically defined for both you and her. You need to know your role and she needs to know hers.
Secondly, every child has some form of currency. Whether it be toys or TV time or special trips (i.e. Sea World). You have control of her currency. If your daughter doesn't behave the way she is supposed to, she loses her currency. For example, if she doesn't pick up her toys, she doesn't get to have them. I have actually had times when I fought with my kids for HOURS to get them to pick up their toys and when they didn't, I got a trash bag and picked up their toys on my own. They lost them for 2 days. Another trick I have learned is to give them a time limit--tell your daughter she has X amount of time to pick up and if she doesn't then Y will happen. Make sure you follow through with it though or it will be useless.
Following with the currency idea, if your daughter is being disrespectful, take something else away. If you let her watch TV, tell her if she is being rude or lippy she will not be allowed to watch TV for the rest of the day. Another radical method is to strip away everything she has (toys, books, TV, etc..) and only give it to her when she behaves. Literally strip her room down to her bed, dresser, blankets and pillows. Make her earn what she has.
As for the tantrums in public places, I have found two things that work rather well:
1. Ignore her. On your trip to Sea World, I would have let her act however she wanted while I continued to enjoy myself. I would have walked away from her (of course stay within a safe distance so that you can still see her). Eventually she will realize that you are not condoning this type of behavior.
2. Invite others to watch her acting badly. Any one who has had children will sympathize with you. When she starts acting out in public, sit and watch her without saying a word. Make is a point to tell others around you that your daughter has decided to have a tantrum and they are welcome to watch. All this added attention will make her stop. Trust me!
I hope you will find some of this information useful and I realy do wish you the best of luck. Don't forget, she is only 3 (or 4?) and children will push you to your limits at this age. Some of this behavior will be outgrown and look into preschool--it has a great calming effect on kids. It teaches them rules, routines, and how to interact socially with other people and other kids.
Oh, thanks gooooodddd! The next time she acts out in public I am so going to invite the world to watch her have a fit. Oh, I know my kid and this would work... at least I think.
I like your style. Strip the room bare and earn it back. Excellent. Again, I really like the way you do business, seems like this as well as some of the other tips are going to work. thank you so much.
HI sandra! I have to say, I went through some struggles with my first daughter around the age of 2-3. And because she was my first, I didn't know how to stop the behaviour as she had me totally wrapped around her finger.
However, when I finally had enough, I took some old-fashioned advice and put an end to the madness. I became the mother, she became the child and I stopped feeling guilty about the things I would make her do (go to sleep, eat her food, clean her toys, brush her teeth, behave in public).
It was difficult, I admit, but I have 3 children now and am able to bring all of them (peacefully) to the grocery store. Of course they still act out now and then, but thats ok because all children (and adults) have currency and all you have to do is figure out what that currency is to get the behaviour you want from your child.
For example, recently, we planned a trip to the fair. Everyone was excited about it, but for some reason or another, my eldest had a meltdown the night before about not being able to invite her friend to come. And I'm talking REAL meltdown.
So, we cancelled the fair, and we stuck to it. It was hard for the other 2, but thats how it is. And you know what? She will not forget that soon, because she really thought we would still go. This method has worked well for us. It could even be something like a birthday party that she really wants to go to, or inviting a friend over, or confiscating a favorite toy. The point is, it has to be something that they will feel NOW, not in two weeks. THis may be more for older children (5-8) but it could work for younger children as well.
My youngest son is not exempt and he is only 1.5. If he hits, throws toys, whatever, he goes to his crib with NO soother. It works like a charm.
Listen, stop feeling guilty and get your daughter back in line. You can do it. AND, if she pulls another fit in public, leave everything, dont say a word, and double-time her to the car. Bring her home, do not talk to her and put her in her room , corner, whatever it is, while you calmly figure out her currency. Then follow through. I can guarantee she will stop acting out in as little as 2 or 3 times as long as she knows you mean business.
I wrote a hub on guilt parenting if youre interested in reading it. I don't know if it all pertains to your situation, but there may be elements of it that you can take and use yourself.
I hope this helps and that things start to improve from here on it. Take care,
From, Megs whose been there and done that! :)
Thanks Megs, that's what you call "tuff love". I will totally check out your hub and might put up a link to you. Thank you.
Hello. I am a parent of a 5 year old child. I think children go through difficult stages btwn the ages of 2-6yrs old. When my son was 2 I experienced the terrible 2 stage. After 3-till now he likes to tell me no!! or talks back to me. Well I learned from alot of mistakes. My son tells me I spoil him alot but I learned to work around this problem a little bit. My son has a habit of asking me to help him clean his room. I always tell him I disn't help you make the mess. I think as a parent we need to stop doing everything for our kids. We have to teach ways to learn things on their own. If you let your child walk over you they are going to be very disrespectfull. I don't hit my child because I don't think it helps. I know where it hurts my son the most. I take everything away from him like crayons, coloring books, tv, toys. I tell him that he should've thought about behaving and I would'nt have to take everything away. He thinks by saying I'm sorry I'm suppose to forgive him and forget. I let him know it does not work like that. I tell him saying sorry is not enough and if it was like that people would get away with alot of bad things by saying I'm sorry. As parents we have to be firm. Sometimes my son tells me that I don't love him cause I put him on timeout. I respond back by letting him know that I do love him very much and he knows that I am a good mother but it doesn't mean he has to take advantage of me. I definitely believe in tough love. What we as parents have to learn not to be so soft on our kids even though it might hurt but it's the only way they're going to know you mean business and they wont take you as a joke. Good Luck..... By the way screaming does not resolve problems all it does is make them rebel more. Try talking more with your child and don't let people in your family interfere while you're disceplining your child ok.
Most definitely Wendy! Sounds like you got smart kids too but you are doing a good job I am sure. I am believing more and more in tough love this past week. Thank you so much for your comments.
First off, sorry about your troubles with your little one. I have a 4 children, and parenting them can DEFINITELY be a huge CHALLENGE. But you live and you learn. When it comes to giving her your little girl choices, give her three choices: one: you get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a cheese roll-up or nothing. Believe me it may sound harsh and your little girl may not like the choices you are giving her. BUT you are the mommy and you need to develop healthy bounderies with her. She needs to understand that she is not going to always going to get what she wants when she wants it. And she really doesn't fully grasp her own behavior. Her behavior just needs to be channeled toward something better. When my childre have screamed at me I tell them "you don't need to talk to me like that and until you calm down I am not going to talk to you, go spend some time in your room". If they persist well, I go down the line and start making a list of all the things that are going to be taken away.
Some days are much better than others, some days....well can seem like the absolute WORST, it will pass, with time. You need to be strict with her, let her know you love her all the time. But also let her know you won't allow behavior like that either. Hope some of this helps and I'll be praying for your situation to greatly improve. Keep your head up!
As a mother of three and a school counselor, I can speak to the differences of the children who are raised with loving boundaries and those who are left to "work it out" themselves. The biggest questions to ask yourself are, "What would help my daughter to grow up to be the healthiest most functioning adult she can be?" and as parenting expert, Madelyn Swift, would say, "what am I trying to teach my child with this consequence?" She would also say that our society has become so microwave that we want instant results and therefore we go for the quick fixes instead of the long term results. Stick to your decisions, err on the side of sterness, DO NOT OVERPRAISE, but do acknowledge good decisions and behavior. Swift mentions how to acknowledge by saying things like "I noticed you put away all of your blocks before you got out your legos". This prevents placing value on performance and acknowledges the blessing of your daughter's existance. She also promotes that acknowledgement by saying something like "I am glad to see you. I missed you while you were at school." Try to use related consequences when possible. Hope that helps a little. I really read Swift and John Rosemond. They use traditional and common sense approaches to parenting. Their ideas back up the success I have seen in the parenting styles of the most well adjusted students at my school.
Hi Sandra I am the mum of two really great grown up children who have survived all the trials, tribulations and errors of their mum working out how to be a good parent.
The first thing I want to say is don’t beat yourself up, you’re a good mom you have the one thing that is vitally important and irreplaceable that is a deep love for your daughter. The only thing that seems to be lacking is how to use that love in its most productive way but from reading the previous posts you are well on your way to putting that right.
Unfortunately kids don’t come with an instruction manual telling us how and what to do if ...... though I do know that on my past record I very rarely read the instructions that comes with things until something goes wrong or I can’t do it without them.
You seem very bright and from reading the posts and your responses to them you also seem to be a quick and willing learner. I have no doubt that your daughter is most likely the same as she has learned how to do what she is doing right now really well.
I am in my sixties now and still learning so the next thing is don’t worry it is not too late for either of you to learn new ways of coping with and of loving each other.
Discipline both self discipline and the disciplining of your child is one of the foundations of a loving relationship. You have already had much good advice on discipline given you in many of the previous posts and you have discovered for yourself that this is true.
Discipline gives a child boundaries which especially at this age makes them feel secure and loved, and you have seen for yourself not having consistent discipline and consequences has not made either you or your daughter happy.
One of the most effective ways to teach and discipline your daughter is to give clear rules and be consistent in the way you enforce those rules, this is where the self discipline comes in. You cannot have one way when you are in a good mood, another when you are tired and yet another when you are angry as you have seen this approach leads to a very angry lost little girl and mom.
Guilt is not productive as a teaching tool, don’t use it yourself and don’t let it try to teach you either. If you don’t like the way you have done something in the past then change it don’t beat yourself up with it, it just prolongs the experience.
Your daughter is lucky to have such a loving mum and I am fully convinced that you will soon be on top of this problem and the power as mum will be back in your hands and your daughter will be once again a happy and content little girl.
Thanks Maggs, I think some have said that you cannot correct it in a day but in a couple of weeks I put a stop to the behavior and discipline is definitely a necessity.
The most effective change I made was when I stopped doing the counting thing and told her exactly what would happen and when she "tested" me, I did what I said I would do.
Now we are back to being pretty good together. Every now and again I think she wants to try and test me but I have been consistent so when she gets that look in her face... I give her the "look" and she wont do it.
This makes me very happy. It was a little heart wrenching because for the first week or so I felt like I was a nag and on her for everything but it paid off.
That is fantastic Sandra I am so glad that things are working out so well for you both and happy that you are doing so well it seems I was right about one thing you both are quick learners and it is good to see the fruit of your new behaviour appear so quickly. I see from your responses to the posts that you are a very gracious lady
To Tonjajjones. My daughter was a very compliant child but when she became a teenager, about 14 is when all the trouble started. She would mouth off, slam her door, throw fits, stalk off. Of course I found myself engaging in her behavior and there seemed to always be a battle either brewing or ensuing. One day, my husband and I sat down and decided between us just exactly what behaviors we were not going to put up with and then exactly what the consequences would be if they were broken. At the moment everyone in the household was calm including my daughter who was in her room We approached her door, knocked respectfully and asked her to please come out into the living room, sit down that we had something to tell her. Luckily we caught her at a good time because she actually did just that. We told her in even tones which behaviors we were no longer going to put up with and exactly the cost to her if she broke them. One of which was her bedroom door would be promptly removed if she slammed it. This was not a lecture it was a statement of facts. The information she was recieving from us was not thrown at her in the heat of battle, it was told with respect to her and that we knew she was smart enough to understand what we were telling her. We also did not give her a chance to say if she would abide with the new rules. In our minds they were to be abided by. It was like magic. She calmed down from then on. It was a turning point in our relationships. Think it through, remain calm and firm
It sounds like your emotions are getting in the way. She is learning and learning real good how to control you. Such power for a 4 year old to possess! One that is apparent is guilt. You are feeling guilty for giving her punishment so you take her to Sea World. As smart as this kid seems to be surely she sees through that one. How can she possibly believe she deserves to go to Sea World? Now you want to turn away from her? You have made yourself her world so then you turn away? You are opening a whole new case of problems with that one because she will throw it in your face as soon as she finds the words to express it then you will be overloaded with guilt and again she will have you dancing like a puppet on a string. Try to get some time alone and think through her behaviors. Make a list of them on paper if you must. Sit her down and tell her when she is not throwing a fit and you are not pissed off. Tell her calmly...you will not allow her to do such and such. Along with that list you make up, put behind every behavior what will happen if she does them. When you sit down ............calmly...make sure she understands what the consequences will be. NOW.....go about calmly sticking to them as surely she will test you. Once you display to her that you will deal out consequences for such and such she will start to believe you mean business and think twice before testing you again. Do not dream up consequences when you are mad or feeling emotional. Don't make them undoable or so bad you won't be able to handle it. If you tell her you are taking her toys and she tells you go ahead. Well even better! Go right ahead. It is a double window for success. She will see that not only is she getting punished for the original bad behavior but punished for her outburst to go ahead. Maybe she won't rely on that comment in the future.
Remember this. If she continues to act out like a spoiled brat she will have a very hard time making or keeping friends. That will be heartbreaking for both of you. Somehow you have to teach her to respect others and feel for them. One thing is for sure you won't have much trouble with her being able to express herself or defend herself in school.
Consider seeing a good psychologist. I had to take my son to three different ones before I saw a change. The one I took him to was extememely talented. She was a professor and had written books on child behavior. They did "sand play". The first session he came skipping out with a big smile on his face. Later I asked him why he was so happy when he came out of Diane's office. He said "for once in my life I feel like someone understands me" I almost fainted. I was like you. I felt like I had done everything within my power to be super mom to him and could not understand why he was so rotten and in 1 hour a stranger got through to his soul like I could not. But I almost cried with relief.
I will try to google sand play and bring it back to this Hub. My son was in 2nd grade though so I am not sure if that type of therapy is appropriate for a 4 year old. God Bless you!
Sandra here are two links. The first describes sand play therapy and the other is a link to the therapist who helped my son.
Sandra, I actually emailed Diane Frey, my son's therapist. If she should write back I will give her a link to this Hub and see if she might respond. You have one special girl on your hands. And BTW my son surprised everyone, he is a soldier in the US Army. Very respectful and loving. The opposite of what I thought he would become. I saw him as getting locked up in jail as an adult, and as his elementary principal told me one day "Never ever give up on your son!" He had a child himself who acted out and never stopped believing in him and the boy ended up a success.
I have read through all the comments and I think that you probably have got enough advice to be going on with, the hub is very powerful and takes you right into the situation, where you can just about feel the pain and frustrations. I think that you are a very special and brave lady to open yourself up like this, it is a very pleasant thing to come across an article that is so sincere and from the heart and to some extent I think that all mums can identify with you on some level. It seems like you have got a handle on this now and that the problems will soon be gone.
Hi
I understand what you are going through...it becomes more of a challenge when they become teens too.
Best advice would be "what ever you give attention to, is what you will get the most" so I would ignore her behaviour, unless if it's a unsafe behaviour then I wouldn't.
Also, when you ask her to pick up her mess.."I would say "Ok_child name________, I want you to pick up-------. (wait 5 seconds, and if she does not respond say"Ok you can choose to pick---------now or you choose not to, and lose play time, and still going to have to pick it up later.
If she does pick it up you reward her good behaiour with hugs and kisses or a good movie, something that she will enjoy. And continue to praise her for her good efforts.
You name the behaviour and make her feel like you are giving her a option. That way if she chooses to not pick it up,it's not your fault if she decided to not do it. Natural Consequences are better than loosing our minds and getting stressed out.
Visit my blog at pinkandglitzchefblog
there is a link there for mothers called mother for a life time...still working on it
I hope I was able to help :)
Thanks for advice. The picture you posted shows traditional way to correct kids but I think there is no need to beat children to correct them. We should device new ways to correct children.
Definitely understand where your coming from. My daughter has done the same thing! But I think that if we let them go to far they think their in control, its just the matter of putting your foot down and letting her know whose in control. And little girls are definitely harder than boys.
My oldest daughter is three and half years old. Some days she's a perfect little angel, while other days... well, she can be bit of a monster. Like you, I had been questioning where did I go wrong? But, I now realize this is just part of their natural development into strong-willed, independent people. Now, I try to be more patient with her and myself, to really 'choose' my battles and to give myself more credit as her caretaker. Don't be too hard on yourself.... YOU TOO ARE DOING GREAT!!
Have you considered taken a small break?. If your brother and family are willing, can she stay with them for a week? her behavior was an "angel" with them you stated. She is taking you for granted, and you seem to be worried that if you discipline her, she will not like you. She will not like what you do , but she will love you for ever if you get her to understand the value of your relationship now. If you could take the week that she is visiting family, and spend time making the household rules, sit her down when she returns and go over them , including what they are and the consequences she will face if she disobeys them, you will be helping her out with her behavior at home, and when she begins school.
Hi zmansfam, I would love to take a small break unfortunately my mom doesn't live anywhere close to me and even though I long for a nice break, I know that I couldn't stand to be away from my kid.
Hey babes... you are a parent - everything you will do will be wrong in the eyes of society x
OMG, your too funny but so right! xo
dohn121 says:
3 months ago
I am no psychologist. I am not even a parent of a child. However, Sandy, I helped raise my nephew and two more after that and just recently, my niece hatched out of her egg. Oh, I've been a camp counselor for three summers with groups between 3 to 12 boys each summer...
I find that little girls are tougher to raise than boys. Boys are just...Simple. It's a heck of a lot easier than raising girls, I believe.
I think that one of the things that is going on is that Morgan has cabin fever. Due to your closeness to her, she has no choice but to know what not having you is like so she takes you for granted. Perhaps you could find ways to spend time away from her, as tough as that may sound. And it doesn't mean you should just drop her off in the woods and run like the wind--that's not what I'm saying. Just start acting like you don't care and start being firm with her. Even if it means that she has to fear you, it will benefit the relationship between you and her. Right now, she doesn't respect you because the role of parent and child has fallen by the wayside.
You have to re-establish this in order to set things right. If you love her enough, You'll have to be firm with her and put her in her place. Don't let your love weaken you, let it strengthen your resolve to getting back to what your role is in the matter. If you love her enough, you will find the strength. I hope it all works out for you.