Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
96Controversial And Misunderstood
There are many misconceptions about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) within the general public and upon searching the internet through article after article you will stumble upon an endless amount of useless information regarding the disorder. Most people believe that 'a narcissist' is somebody who simply loves themself or is in love with themself in the manner that they are vain and bigheaded about it. This isn't true. The truth is that they hold an invisible psychological barrier made up of a false sense of self, namely their ego, which they hide their true emotions and persona behind. Behind this exterior they are emotionally weak and in reality suffer with extremely low self esteem and possibly have become full of hate for themselves, sometimes from subjective experience, sometimes from something more profound.
Narcissists build a false sense of self worth from narcissistic supply which helps to feed their ego and they do this by generally using and slandering everybody around them, spreading lies and rumours to make others look bad in order to make themselves feel and look good and they can destroy the lives of everybody around them doing so. They are also experts at manipulation. They will do this and then when confronted will make projections to make it look like everyone else is wrong and they are right and that everybody else is interfering in their business and causing them problems. If in a relationship they also project their emotions and reactions to their partner and manipulate them into behaving the desired way so that the partner acts out their rage for them - the partner then gets ostracized and people around them start to believe that it's them causing problems. Over a long period of time the generally hidden abuse will wear down at the psyche of their partner, gradually leaving them feeling like their soul is being crushed though they may not realize why - usually it's the narc's partner who ends up having to go to therapy to learn how to deal with them. Narcissists also usually become extremely paranoid to the point where they go off the rails if they so much as hear that someone has mentioned their name, even in innocent conversation. NPD sufferers become obsessed with the false sense of self that they have created. In conversation they will generally discuss everything you say in the manner of how it relates to them or their own personal experiences therefore giving the illusion that they are in love with themselves or their own life which is a good clue to look out for - it's usually the opposite case, they actually hate themselves.
There are many types of narcissism out there, despite what you may read about narcissists being either cerebral or somatic. A somatic narcissist is someone who uses their body for constant adulation, adoration and attention by becoming a satyr (if male) or a nymphomaniac (if female). A cerebral narcissist gains this attention by showing off their intelligence to make others seem inferior. There are also many other forms of the illness. Narcissists can be extremely difficult to spot and you can live with one all your life without realizing. Don't be fooled by the statistics of most sufferers of NPD to be male. This is also a misconception and statisical research shows that the figures are closer to 50% male and 50% female. Females are naturally more subtle and devious in their manner anyway so it's much easier for a female narcissist to get away with it. I have never met a male narcissist that I know of. Despite the original belief that only approximately 1% of the population suffers with the disorder recent research indicates that the true figure is closer to 15%-16%.
Typically, in a long term case, the narcissist has an ex-partner who they claim is mentally ill in some way and usually has become dependant on alcohol or illegal drugs. This is the result of being subject to narcissistic abuse over a long period of time, though the narc will say that it was the alcohol and drug abuse that made them like it. Narcissists use very cleverly plotted emotional and mental abuse, verbal abuse and guilt to manipulate people around them, particularly their partner. However, they use hypnotic forms of communication to very cleverly hide the abuse using disguised embedded verbal commands and subliminal persuasion. Seeing as they have been practising this hypnotic art since they were a child, they become experts in it and have what is commonly described as a super human capacity. So much so, that they can use one person to get them to go and manipulate another by proxy. It is like their conscious is their subconscious. Narcissism can be described as a lack of empathy where the narcissist is unable to put themselves in anybody elses shoes so to speak, and cannot relate to how others feel though they will pretend they do. Narcissism develops naturally at the age of about six years old and is a necessity for life, but a traumatic experience can cause the growth of a persons personality to become stunted and they remain in the frame of mind of a six year old or on the other extreme, they are overly spoilt as a child. That is, they go through life playing pretend in the same way that a child does - they remain in the self-love stage of development and don't go on to learn 'object-love'. Generally, when confronted and guilty, a narcissist will deny everything to the point where they will swear on their own childrens lives without a flinch then try to convince the other person that they were imagining everything and it was all in their head and that they are insane. Narcissists are highly skilled expert liars and some can even beat the polygraph. It is common behaviour to go around visiting their families and friends houses and causing a stir everywhere they go with more malicious allegations and generally causing uproar in their personal lives.
Over the years the people closest to and who live near the narcissist, particularly family and friends around them will start to point the finger and making accusations, usually against the narc's partner. Sometimes they may slowly begin to realize who it is that has been slandering them and stirring up trouble and will eventually break off all contact and move away. The narcissist will always try to say that it was the other person/s concerned that was stirring up lies and slander and causing trouble for them and they will act as innocent as an angel and have everybody around them fooled, thinking that everybody is incorrectly pointing the finger at them, when in actual fact it was them doing the slandering all along - they may even manipulate people into feeling sorry for them. They usually have one very close friend who trusts them who they then turn to for sympathy in this case scenario. They really are that naturally skilled.
Some of you may have my previous hubs about what was going on in my personal life regarding my partner, who I, at the time, believed to be a narcissist. The truth is that there was a lot of slandering going on eventually I found out that the person who I went to for help and advice and guidance on the issue turned out to be the very narcissist that had been slandering me and had caused all the trouble in the first place. Of course, all along they were pretending to act in good faith and just further manipulating the situation to make me look bad with more malicious allegations.
The worst thing about narcissism is that it's so infectious. Not contagious, but infectious. Someone who is brought up by parents who are narcissists will inevitable be manipulated by them into becoming narcissistic themselves. It's a rapidly increasingly problem and is spreading at a fast rate - not just from people who suffer with the disorder naturally but from people who are manipulated into becoming narcissistic resulting from narcissistic abuse itself.
Whereas psychopathy is a lack of guilt or remorse and sociopathy is a lack of conscience, narcissism is a lack of empathy - a narcissist can not relate to another persons emotions or understand the pain they are putting upon them.
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Comments
I completely sympathize with you. I have had first hand experience of narcissism in my past relationships , it is an extremely daunting and confusing experience. She basically had everyone around believe that I was insane. When I tried to do something about it was the worst, everyone turned against me and said that I had been trying psychologically manipulate her. Eventually, I got away from there and went into post traumatic stress disorder.
you have written about my life! it's incredible! i guess only those who have been devoured by a narc relationship could have such insight. i thought i was going crazy, that i had destroyed the perfect marriage with the perfect husband...we've been divorced for 3 years now and i've discovered that my soul has been destroyed. so much of me has been damaged. and the scary thing is, even though i know how destructive he was, i still think about him, and wonder what i could have done to make things work. what an idiot!
Hi : I had to deal with someone at work who fits the NPD personality down to a T. Lost a job I loved after 5 years after this NPD got his claws into me. Then I started seeing a therapist because I was suffering PTSD. We started looking into why I might have put up with that workplace abuse for well over a year. Thats when I realised that my family has very strong NPD traits (especially my Mother) and I am probably oblivious to very selfish behavior and being on the receiving end of narcissistic rage. Now that I have started to set boundaries and not get upset anymore by whats being said to me but state my case very clearly and keep repeating it until the other realises they are not going to get any emotional reaction out of me. Now I have other members of my family saying I am trying to tear the family apart, my own mother has made up complete and utter lies about me to other members of my family and the only reason I can see for it is because I am not responding to her emotional blackmail anymore. If she says something nasty about someone, I just say that I don't agree with that and the person is really nice (give her loads of examples), she then goes into one serious narcissistic rage (they do not like being contradicted even over the tiniest of things) - tell you the truth I actually see the funny side of it now, its the only thing that keeps me sane. Anyway now that I know what I am dealing with I can see more clearly - narcissistic love is very conditional with a lot of Terms and Conditions on the so called contract in very small print. It knocks me off balance still sometimes especially when I have bile spewed at me but now that I understand what projection is, you can literally see it in their every sentence - they are actually talking about themselves and projecting it on to you. They really do have a warped view point of the world and relationships where everything has to be related back to them in some shape or form. The only thing is they can do some awful damage to a persons character and self esteem. I,ve learned the hard way not to tell them anything about me and what is going on in my life (good or bad). Its sad though that I feel more at ease confiding in a close friend than my own family because things will be regurgatated at some point specifically to hurt me. Thats the most hurtful thing is that I know now that certain things are said, not because the other person is stressed out etc and just saying things on the spur of the moment that they don't really mean it, but premediated to specifically hurt you and hit your weakest spot. They try to make you doubt yourself and doubt the people who are genuinely trying to help you get through things. The only advise I would give - if you can get away do because they are soul destroyers, if its more difficult because it is family, build up strong boundaries and any interactions keep conversations light and superficial. Horrible but they probably wouldn't even notice that you are now talking but not disclosing alot about yourself anymore- good policy is just let them do the talking and make sure you have some friends that are normal and can feel emotions and view things in a normal way. It does help cause you are not seeing things in the biased viewpoint of a narcissist anymore - it is so easy to fall into the trap of seeing their viewpoint as the truth and no other.
Thanks for your comment, you've made some excellent points. I should also mention it is more common for the victims of narcissists to seek therapy to help deal with it. When a narcissist attempts to go to therapy or counselling they usually believe that their intelligence level is above that of the therapist and will try to outwit them, sometimes successfully.
I can totally relate to this. I am trying to get out of a long term marriage with a man with NPD. He twist everything I say to the point where I do not want to speak. Everything must be about him. This includes how important he is, how muscular, how smart. When I comment on anything about me he criticizesit. He flirts purposely right in front of me and even my children. He controls when I do the laundry, wake up, money, food shopping. I found passwords of mine in his briefcase. He wants open access to all my mail and emails but total privacy with his things. I never felt loved in this marriage not ever. When I cry he seems to look right through me with a blank stare.
First, I want to say thank you for the post and all of the comments. A great deal of information on NPD is out there, some of it good and some of it bad. Either way, knowing that you are not alone in this is help, regardless of the credibility of the information. I relate to all of the comments here, especially those of "bloody1". Although only involved with the woman for 18 months, the damage done is going to take a very long time to deal with, and in the meantime, I feel like I am still in pieces. I tried and tried and tried, giving love, understanding, empathy, compassion...all in an effort to demonstrate that I loved the person. Even after catching her in lies, manipulative behavior, and infidelity, I said to myself that I would show compassion. It took all of my energy to do so, because I was not dependent on her or weak (at least I don't think so). I recognized that they were behviors I would not ordinarily put up with, but I think waht I saw was the false self...I saw this promise of potential in the person - but that was the illusion, carefully choregraphed for my benefit. So, in the end, I loved an illusion. I know that rationally, but it is still hard emotionally, particularly because I tried to be empathetic and understanding. Ironically, I would always tell her that you can only truly get authentic love when you give of yourself emotionally, accepting the imperfections and working through things together. So, in the end, I was the one who gave and gave...she got the best of what I had to give at the time, and I got nothing in return. She got my love and I am left confused and feel completely empty and unsure of what I am anymore. Guess I was wrong about the entire thing when it comes to love.
I met the perfect woman, my best friend, my lover. She said she loved me, wanted to be with me. We had a conversation about her affairs on her exhusband, and she told me she cheated for 8 years and that she didnt feel it was that "bad". I told her I was concerned, and then I asked her how she could cheat on her husband for 6 years and then have a child with him. She said she wanted a baby and she didnt want to find a new husband. I told her I was greatly concerned over this because I wanted to know why she would cheat for so many years and not be concerned with it. Over the next three months she put down my income(she was my accountant), put down our dates, put down how much I spent on dinner ect. She then dumped me twice and said she loves me but its not our time. She is now on the internet telling guys she doesnt want a serious relationship, but she wants to live life to the fullest when she doesnt have her child. She also told me she only has two weekends a month to make her life bearable and that I should take a few hours to plan her date so that she knows she will have fun before she walks out the door because her personality insists on it. I need help coming out of this fog. How does somebody love me for two years and then just dump me like I dont exist? She said she had expectations from me, but she wont from other men. How do I stop loving the woman I met, and who the hell is this person?
I met the perfect woman, my best friend, my lover. She said she loved me, wanted to be with me. We had a conversation about her affairs on her exhusband, and she told me she cheated for 8 years and that she didnt feel it was that "bad". I told her I was concerned, and then I asked her how she could cheat on her husband for 6 years and then have a child with him. She said she wanted a baby and she didnt want to find a new husband. I told her I was greatly concerned over this because I wanted to know why she would cheat for so many years and not be concerned with it. Over the next three months she put down my income(she was my accountant), put down our dates, put down how much I spent on dinner ect. She then dumped me twice and said she loves me but its not our time. She is now on the internet telling guys she doesnt want a serious relationship, but she wants to live life to the fullest when she doesnt have her child. She also told me she only has two weekends a month to make her life bearable and that I should take a few hours to plan her date so that she knows she will have fun before she walks out the door because her personality insists on it. I need help coming out of this fog. How does somebody love me for two years and then just dump me like I dont exist? She said she had expectations from me, but she wont from other men. How do I stop loving the woman I met, and who the hell is this person?
Sadly it's a hugely confusing experience which can leave you scratching your head wondering how somebody can be like that or how they must feel but the fact is it's no good dwelling on it, though it may seem difficult. Someone who is in love with themselves in incapable of loving another. They do not care about your emotions, they just pretend to so they can manipulate you and you use you like a toy for their own satisfaction.
I should also point out that some people who suffer NPD can change with a lot of long term help but it's not easy getting them to see that they need couple and you should never say that to them. Just say you think you are both going through difficults and at first suggest that you see a relationship counsellor. Since writing this hub I am now in a relationship again with the person is question and things are better than I could have ever imagined them to be. I really didn't think this was possible. Six months ago I wished she had never have existed, now we are together and everything is (almost) perfect - we're getting there.
does my ex sound crazy, or am I
Torn Apart, that's an extremely common question asked by someone who is suffering from narcissistic abuse. You say she cheated on her ex-husband for six or eight years and said she didn't see anything wrong with it - that definitely seems like a lack of empathy to me. You would have to spend a lot of time over several years with someone to come to the realization that they may suffer with NPD. Don't get overwhelmed by it, there are different levels, everybody has narcissistic traits to some extent, it's a natural defense mechanism.
My mom suffers from a form of this and it's difficult to to deal with, now coupled with her Alzheimer's. Interesting hub. Thank you for pointing out that this affects both sexes.
While there certainly are NPR personalities of both sexes, seems much more common in males to me, but we'll really never know since so few people have any idea what it IS in the first place. Whatever stats are out there can only be based on those who were diagnosed, and the very definition of the condition repels that thought like the plague. Glad to see more exposure about NPR and even more, how to deal with it. There's one website out there claiming a cure, only one...most agree there IS none. This couple does offer good perspectives and useful information, yet I think they are very very rare. In general I'd recommend one who realizes they are in a relationship with an NPR to RUN like hell, takes a LONG time to recover from such evil abuse and many never do.
Some good quotes on the topic of NPD:
"He's not abusive because he is angry, he's angy because he is abusive."
"Abuse and respect are diametric opposites. You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect."
Lundy Bancroft
"The true measure of the quality of a man is how he treats his wife when no one is looking."
Dr. Phil
Wow!-
I am truly shocked and speechless-
As well rounded, and as opened minded of a person that I pride myself to be, I still am in shock, that this is the most accurate description of the person, that I have single handedly exposed both me and my 13 year old son to, for the past 7 years. Had a picture of “my personal predator” been placed next to your description, I don’t know what I would have done... as the description was uncanny.
I feel so stupid right now, when I think: I allowed this type of vermin to infiltrate both me and my son life.
I cannot fathom someone so badly maladjusted, being incapable of loving...with a true heart and mind- yet your description, by which I cannot escape blatantly stares me in the face.
No sooner did I read this, did my quintessential social predator, engage in contact with me- as I had disappeared for far to long from his sight and grasp( 2 months to be exact); and I like the subservient lapdog meekly responded back to his request. In the end only trying to keep the peace, my own inner peace, as his verbal attacks have drained me to the point of non existence.
At this juncture, I view this as fight for my life- So with that said: Please, anyone -----how do I proceed with handling this matter without losing my soul as I've lost everything else....
I can keep the wolf at bay, but not for much longer. Help-
Very informative, especially for those who lack general knowledge in psycholgy:) As nurture and nature go along throughout our lives, it elusive to define whether the environmental factor outweighs the contributing genetic factor. Generally, narcissism is a grandiose belief in the significance of the self. You are so right, narcissism serves to fill the ego. Inevitably, narcissism can be passed on to the next generation, because of the assimilation. I just wanna say how I enjoy reading your article.
so they are not really in love with themselves then, it's just an illusion? I think...
growing up with a mother for a narcissist has caused my incredible mental trauma, and I really enjoyed reading your article. Whenever I start to feel like maybe I was the crazy one and it's not her fault but mine, all I need to do is read a few articles about NPD in order to assure myself that it's ok, and I'm not crazy.
That was a great read. The similar case histories I have heard from 'victims' of narcissists always amaze me. We should be taught about narcissists in school I think.
Thanks Jenny. The problem with teaching about the disorder in schools is that is would point out the flaws of narcissism to narcissistic children who may be able to use them to their advantage.
bloodly1 says:
12 months ago
I was very impressed with this description of Narcissism. Sadl;y, I scratched my head, absolutely buried within the confusion surrounding my marriage with a malignant narcissist. Grandiose fantasies inevitably led her to purchasing "lust me forever" and "love me forever" spells to be cast on people she wished to control. She had unsafe sex during countless affairs while denying me sex. She worked out every day, yet was too tired and stressed out to give me any physical attention. The last several years were the worst. She manufactued an abusive personality for me and had EVERYONE convinced I was a wife-beater while making sure that not a word was to be mentioned to me or I'd snap and hurt her. It was the most confusing time in my life and I fear I'll never fully recover. Six months later and I still have zero desire to pursue another relationship. It's sad, really.