It Never Ceases to Amaze Me

Part ii

03/16/2007

It never ceases to amaze me how good life can seem to be

What a lie...

It never ceases to amaze me what is hidden

Availability, wedding rings, the truth...

It never ceases to amaze me the stupid things said

Confessions better left un-confessed

It never ceases to amaze me how hard it tries to yell

Brain wants to be heard....

It never ceases to amaze me the lack of listening

Heart needs a hearing aid

It never ceases to amaze me the the extent of delusion

Asuming, demanding, treating me as if I am the other

It never ceases to amaze me how far they go

Lies, decite, trickery, dupplicity, double-dealing

It never ceases to amaze me how they feel

Guilt free, justified, angry, sad, acusatory

It never ceases to amaze me the punishment i take

Accusations, lies, anger, betrayal

It amazes me that i am still here

Living in this hell

Amazing to me what more can happen in 7 months. How my world could shatter even more. I wish with every fiber of my being that as you read this you have not, had the misfortune to experience this catastrophe. If you have, I feel for you. Life changes very quickly when you fall asleep at the wheel. For that, matter when you cannot express well enough that there needs to be a change. I ask myself why I am still here and I do not have an answer. If you have not been in my situation I doubt you can understand. I suppose it falls to guilt. What could I have done to prevent this? What did I do to cause it? How do I get rid of it? Along with this guilt comes the feeling of not being able to blame your partner. I mean if I caused it, how can I blame my mate. There had to be something I could have done. Right? Of course, that brings the question of what. I continuously re-examine my actions repeatedly. Still I cannot find anything I could have done that would have made much of a difference. There must be something anything I could have done. This goes on and on everyday all day well into the night invading into my dreams.