The joy of parenthood. The little bundle is on its way. Everyone you know will be offering bits of advice - most of which you will ignore. I am about to offer you the truth. (Or at least my version of the truth as shaped by three trips to the delivery suite.)

This article is not a 'how to' article. I'm not going to tell you how to get pregnant - I'm guessing you already know that bit. And I'm not going to tell you how to deliver a baby. No indeed, in fact thank goodness for hospitals, doctors, nurses and midwives. And tea trolleys.

What I will do, is cut to the truth about having a baby - from a dad's perspective. I'll tell you which old wive's tales to dismiss, what you really need to have in your hospital bag, things to avoid doing in the hospital. And generally how to make the whole process as painless as possible. I freely admit that this bit is easier for the father than the mother.

If it is your first baby, you will have a number of conflicting emotions coursing through your veins. It's quite possible these will include: Fear. Excitement. Fear. Disbelief. Fear. Uncertainty. Fear. Yes and happiness too - after all having a baby is actually a wonderful experience. (Remember these emotions, because I'll come back to them in my next post.)

Anyway, let's talk about a few specifics:

The due date. You will have been given a due date and will be expecting things to happen on that day. Don't. Your baby will come when it is ready. It may be before the due date, it may be after the due date. It will almost certainly not come on the day that is most convenient.

Well there are a few things that are necessary - this is where the mother's much better planning skills will take over. For the dad, there are a few essentials - your favourite snacks, a good book, possibly a handheld games console, and ideally one of those blow up airline pillows. Hahaha. I am of course joking. All of those things would be wonderful when you're sitting cramped on an uncomfortable chair in the small hours. However, the man who takes care of his own creature comforts on this day is a fool.

Hollywood has a lot to be held responsible for. Not content with rewriting history at every opportunity, they have given us Hollywood Labour. (Or 'labor' as they would say.) You know how it goes - the water breaks creating a huge pool on the floor, there is an immediate onset of heavy breathing, together with a great deal of screaming. Now I'm the first to admit that everyone's experience is different, but I have yet to meet a woman who's waters have broken so dramatically. (To think I used to worry about how to clean it up, and the potential slip hazard.) And, bar the odd toddler group horror story, almost all labours are a lot more drawn out that you'd really like.

Race out the door, screech down the road at high speed with your emergency lights flashing. No, actually apart from being dangerous and probably illegal - there is no point. We were sent home so many times, I was beginning to think labour lasted for several weeks. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't hurry, just don't get to the hospital for the wrong reason.

There is so much to this bit that I'm not sure where to begin. It is painful. There's quite a bit of blood. There's painful hand squeezing. There may even be some swearing. My normally mild-mannered wife used one or two choice words. But, to be fair, that was because the midwife kept telling me to encourage her - neither my wife nor I could see any point in my telling her to 'breathe' - she's been breathing for a long time, she wasn't about to forget. Also, while everyone has their own thoughts on this - there are some things you really don't want a photo of - and in fact, I don't think any woman really wants you going south during labour.

Well it's not all over. There's usually a bit of stitching up. Everyone is feeling a bit shaky. The mother will be feeling tired - and may well be a bit drugged. But on the plus side, as a dad you usually get the first proper cuddle. This is the best thing in the world.

There is none. Yes you may not have slept for three nights, you may have been worried about your child and your wife/partner. You may have suffered the horror of seeing your loved one in great pain. You may even have had your car clamped. It doesn't matter. This is one of those days where the male always plays second fiddle. Which is quite handy really, because it's nature's way of letting you know you'll never come first again...