There is no more magic tea in the frig. See, I love iced tea. I drink it all day long. My husband was the cook. He loved being in the kitchen so he was the one who kept up with the pitcher of tea. He kept me in iced tea. He would make it and then set it in the refrigerator. I would go and open the door and presto! Magic tea. It was never empty. I didn't have to do anything.

He's gone now. He's been gone for seven weeks today. Seven impossibly long weeks. I've already passed the one month mark. The two month mark is coming up. Soon I'll have to get through Easter, then father's day, then Memorial Day. 4th of July. His birthday and shortly after that our anniversary. I could go on through the holidays but you catch my meaning here. Each event is a milestone that marks the passing of time. He's gone forever and each holiday only reminds me of that.

About a month ago, I had my first supper out with people. My daughter picked me up to have supper with her future in-laws. It was nice. The food was fine. Her future in-laws were kind. They welcomed me and we talked. I think I may have even laughed at something funny but I can't remember now. I was in such a fog. I felt like I was wrapped in plastic wrap. I could see and hear but my husband was in my mind. His voice was in my head. There were moments when my chest felt heavy with panic, or grief, or both. I didn't want to be there. I was suddenly like a little old lady. "Oh, my look at the time. I should be home in front of my telelvision sewing." My daugther looked at her watch. It was 7:30.

It felt wrong to be out and away from my pictures of my husband. It felt wrong to be away from my dogs. Everything reminded me of my husband. Every thought was of him. If I spoke, I spoke of him. Nothing feels right anymore and it worries me. I feel exposed outside the door to my apartment. I feel vulnerable without him. I miss his laugh. I miss him teasing me, encouraging me to go with him, to get out of myself a little and see the world. I miss his hand reaching out for mine to take me with him. I miss his presence and I miss the safety I had with him.

I don't feel whole anymore. My status has changed. I am now 1/2 of what was once a couple whose bond was so strong that they finished each other's sentences. We were so wrapped up in our love that it took an act of God to break it apart.

That's exactly what I feel like. I feel broken apart.

I don't think I'll be going out again anytime soon. I just want to stay home. I'm sure that will change eventually but right now, I can't see that far into the future. My life has become so small now that he's gone. I cook for two but there's only one plate. I only do laundry now once a week. I walk the dogs alone and there's no one to point things out to. I have a lot of words stored up inside me and no one to say them to. He's not here to urge me to be daring. He's not here to see that I've cut off all my hair. It's spring now and the weather is warming but not warm enough yet for shorts, and he's not here to wear his before anyone else. I can only see his great legs in my photographs.

Oh, and there's no more magic tea. He's not here to make a fresh pot and hand a cold glass to me as a surprise. I get a renewed feeling of emptiness whenever I see the empty pitcher. I make my own tea now. I have to because the magic has died.