Normal Sex

Do you sometimes wonder if you are having less sex than your neighbours? Or if your friends are experimenting with a new position every other week? "Misleading media messages mean it can be difficult for people to gauge what's normal and what's not". Despite many of us having perfectly healthy sex lives, we're left feeling totally inadequate because of this.

Well, it's time to stop wasting energy worrying you're not up to scratch, and enjoy the journey! We've debunked some popular misconceptions to help you separate fact from fiction:

Most couples make love every day.

FACT: People in relationships have sexual intercourse four to seven times a month, reveals a comprehensive study in the medical journal The Lancet.

But if you make love less than the national average, there's no need to panic. In most sex surveys, we ask people how often they enjoy it, as well as how often they do it. So if both of you get lots of satisfaction from your twice-monthly sessions, and neither of you feels the need to have sex more often, or can't for practical reasons, you shouldn't feel concerned. Of course, if you do it more than seven times a month, that's nothing to worry about either.

I'm abnormal if I don't want sex all the time.

FACT: There is no such thing as a normal level of desire that applies to everyone. It's what's normal for you. So if you've never had a high sex chive, that's your normal level. If you usually have a high one, that's also normal.

It's also a myth that couples sex drives should be in sync. It's perfectly normal for one of you to want sex more than the other. Everyone's sex drive goes through peaks and troughs. The only time to be concerned is if your level of sexual desire suddenly changes and it's making you unhappy, and you can't find a cause or solution - or if you're in a relationship in which one of you consistently wants more sex than the other.

Long-standing partners must constantly reinvent their sex life.

FACT: Couples are sometimes told to make themselves have sex more often, or to be kinky if they're stuck in a rut. But, if there's a long-standing issue in the relationship, this just won't help. And if you know your partner well, it can be embarrassing to suddenly don a kinky outfit. Far better to find ways to talk about sex and your anxieties. Instead of going for new and fresh, choose what you know each of you likes, and vary the place or time of day. Explore erotica or DVDs together. Do it in a fun and open way. There's also nothing wrong with you both deciding to give sex a miss for a while if everything else in your relationship is healthy. Your desire can come back on its own.

However, it is inevitable that your sex life will change in some way when you're in a long-term relationship. Generally, a couple's sex life will improve in terms of technique, but the excitement or passion may take more work than at the start.

Sexual desire decreases with age.

FACT: It's not that men or women lose their desire as they get older; it's more that life gets in the way. Physical problems such as arthritis can also interfere.

A new study, found that post-menopausal women experienced no drop in sexual desire, and in some cases found sex more satisfying than pre-menopausal women. If older women do go off sex, it may be because they don't know what to say to their partner to improve their sex life. If you're dry below, use lubricant. If you're simple not sure what you want, try exploring on your own. Masturbation does not mean you're cheating on your partner.

Women orgasm from penetrative sex alone.

FACT: Actually 70 to 80 per cent of women are unable to, research consistently reveals. This is because the clitoris is central to orgasm for women, and many positions in intercourse fail to stimulate it.

Plus, other acts the women would be enjoying, including stimulation of other erogenous zones would have stopped. Expecting a woman to orgasm through penetrative sex alone is a bit like expecting a man to climax through rubbing his left testicle! He probably-will eventually but there's a much easier and more pleasurable way. Don't be afraid to show your partner where you like to be touched either.

Don't panic about how long %-on take to orgasm either. There's no set time. If you lie there worrying you're taking too long, the psychological pressure can make it difficult to climax, and you enter a hopeless cycle. Not reaching orgasm is only a problem when you can't turn yourself on through masturbation.

Men are ready at the drop of a hat, women are more complex.

FACT: There are no innate differences in arousal capability between men and women. Just like men, women can orgasm quickly on their own, but through clitoral stimulation. And research is now showing that women are perhaps less complicated than originally thought, and men more complex. For example, a recent study in the British Medical Journal showed that impotent men given Viagra couldn't get an erection if they were having relationship problems or weren't aroused by their partners.

Boys are told from a young age that they have a penis, but girls are not told about their pleasure organ the clitoris. They are merely told that they have a vagina. In puberty, girls are told not to get pregnant whereas boys are expected to get aroused. So by the time women reach adulthood, they have some catching up to do in terms of learning what turns them on.

Libido boosters can save your sex life.

FACT: There are no magic ingredients for a fulfilling sex life, but certain herbs may help. The studies carried out have mainly looked at men. Research has shown ginkgo may improve blood flow to the penis to strengthen and maintain an erection in men with erectile dysfunction. Muira puama has also been found to help men who complain of a loss of sexual desire. Other beneficial herbs backed by research include tribulus terrestris, which may boost testosterone levels, and saw palmetto which is believed to help men whose problems are due to an enlarged prostate