I know why people really like the Cubs and it's kind of gross.

When I was a young'un, I watched the January 1, 1993 national championship college football game between Alabama and Miami. Miami was famous and wouldn't shut up and would corner several of the Alabama players and go "are you a lineman? It figures, fat boy."

And so it was very interesting then that, Alabama would win the game 34-13. The 1992 national champions.

And so I show up at PS 434 with a white Alabama Crimson Tide hat.

I was lucky I wasn't killed.

I'm white with big blue eyes, and here I am inadvertantly wearing a Confederate flag at a high school that was 14% white.

Several of the bigger, stronger kids were on the football team, and I was a tackling dummy that year who cracked alot of jokes, and so I was lucky. I survived. People knew me and would leave me alone and understand, hey, football, of course I know Alabama won it, and of course it was awesome. I was lucky and thankful. I would say things at the long boring practices like "maaaaan, I gotta get home and watch the Brady Bunch maaaan, Bobby breaks mom's favorite vase today!" The first time I did that everyone looked at me like I was goofy at first......but then one of them would say something like...."yeah dawg...I gotta get home and watch my car-tooons, yo" and we got along. I wasn't even any good. Just good enough to cream my old classmates from grade school except this guy Daniel, and that was good enough for me.

But there was this other dude who wore a Cubs hat. They didn't like him. And so when he wore a Cubs hat, they picked on him.

That's pretty much all the Cubs serve us -- class division. Their merchandise is like wearing a swastika. The tinge of inert yuppie superiority that comes from young people who wear Cubs is fine and dandy by me, but not when people then see my white ass and assume I'm the worst kind of human on the planet. I can't go to my favorite concerts or bars because people want to start up with me. They take the Cubs 100 year long losing streak but commercial success and consistent middle-to-good performance for a few years in the 80s, 90s and 00s to be a way of self identification. They're the kinds of people who go into jobs they don't particularly like but will make alot of money whether or not they actually make a decent product, and that's the Midwestern way.

The Cubs sell out their least significant games while glaring holes in the seating arrangements are evident when the White Sox are trying to clinch a pennant.

U.S. Cellular Field is located on 35th and Halsted in Chicago which, yeah it's bad, but at least there's parking. The Cubs are not good enough to warrant a ride on the L train. They are not the Mets, they are NOT the Yankees, they don't deserve it.

I can't wait for the day that the Cubs and the White Sox play each other in the World Series. It will be called the Red Line series like the New York Subway Series because it's like the Bay Bridge the way it connects the parks. Now in New York, people care about the Mets and the Yankees alot. ALOT. But when it comes to our teams, there's racial implications, gang implications, and the cops are always on the subways to make sure for example the Bensenhurst Yankee Italian kids who don't know better but all watch Sopranos don't cause arguments with their loud boasting. I once saw two kids from New Jersey and six kids from Bensenhurst go at on the subway and one of the Jersey kids had a real live MACE, from a wall in a museum or something.

But back to the Red Line Series.

it's like DC versus Marvel in Chicago. DC would be the Cubs. The Cubs, DC, George Bush, Jor-El, Smallville, all the same stuff. And Marvel would be the White Sox. They're Obama. They're Marvel. They're Uncle Ben. Well, old Marvel. Before Disney bought them.

"Hey," says Cub fan one. "Nice money your fathers make there."

"I'll CUT you, playa!" replies White Sox fan one.

And then that's the whole exchange because unfortunately, neither team has a particularly bright history. They can't exactly debate each other's team based on actual baseball. The Cubs gave up Joe Carter, Mitch Williams, Brett Butler, Mike Piazza, Moises Alou, Todd Zeile-

You would see thugs at U.S. Cellular Field but also the more intelligent people. Very very few beer drinking loud mouths. Sure, a guy went on the field with his son and beat the hell out of an umpire, but at least a dad and son were getting out and doing something together. There are goth kids, people in Raider uniforms, but mostly it's the rest of Chicago that psychologically understands that to be a Cub fan is to uphold a well-advertised loser in beautiful red and blue over a team that LOOKS and ACTS like a baseball team. The White Sox wear grey pinstripes as a home jersey, they don't give a DAAAAAANG. They are the embodiment of great American League hitters. The Cubs are smaller, faster, and don't know how to have control over their speed and so always commit errors, overrun on plays, and under-react in the clutch.

It drives me nuts that New York is the only place where you can leave your apartment at 4 in the morning and it's like it's 8 o'clock in the evening. Cars. People. Lights. Stores. Everything's open. That's the way life should be. In the Midwest, everything closes early and god forbid if it's some holiday like Easter or something, they will close all day long. What's nice about the Midwest though is that they have allies to put their garbage in, not sit it out on the corner for rats to come down the Hudson and snack on. The Cubs are like a city that closes in the seventh inning. Any service you get after that on the baseball field is literally a gift.

But probably nothing is so stupid about the Cubs then they're idiotic little curse.

What a way to take pride in not growing confidence.

What a way to let a NON-EXISTENT EXCUSE become your excuse?

I see...so Chicagoans would be GOOD at things if it wasn't for their committment to the church, right? That's why it's cute that you just blew two hundred dollars on tickets to watch a team loveably....mentally crumble like the little bullies Cubs fans raise?

What is with all these chicks getting into baseball players? Yours truly was a basketball player. That's a REAL athlete. You gotta do things fast while people are yelling smack talk at you in REAL TIME. Nobody's asleep while you're doing your thing. Basketball has dudes who will FUNK YOU UP. Of course I wanted a scholarship but god DANG did some of the dudes I grew up with want a scholarship. That's a real athlete. A basketball player. He's got endurance, creativity, acrobatics, you can use your instincts and your best mental tricks, and like baseball players I got injured, returned, got more injuries, told whoever looked at me wrong that he sucked and I was going to destroy him, and returned and got more injuries. That's an athlete. A baseball player is just some boring shmuck who did alot of squat thrusts, and he's going to sit there like a log through one baseball game after another. Oh my god -- it's the 4th inning, your team is down 5-1, and now the other guys are coming up and you're not bored to death -- oh! A commercial first, huh? I think this negates anything the physical side of being with one of these idiots would provide. And then think it's cute when they lose due to being frightened by the Lord?

It's not so much as if these very Northsiders don't get this, it's that explaining it...would make them seem like rambling hobos. So they go along with it blindly, and then manage to get their kids into it for the same reason. Kids will seriously make a team their ENTIRE IDENTITY for no particularly good reason outside of seeing a neat graphic of their passionate fans on CBS.

Gee, and I wonder why Kontera said no to my application.

And now a sophisticated cinematic analysis from such a sophisticated gentleman. CLICK BELOW!

http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Best-Movie-of-All-Timers-House-Party

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http://hubpages.com/hub/Now-Heres-A-Rant-The-Chicago-Cubs#