For years I couldn't figure out why there were times that my brain just could not stop. I can't count the number of times someone has said to me "you just think too much." Because I was aware that everyone's brain is thinking all the time, I didn't really understand what that was supposed to mean.

It started in childhood. Counting, sorting, identifying, and categorizing everything I came into contact with. Evaluating people, words, numbers, and making statistics in my own mind about how and where they each fit. I counted toys and bugs and had to inventory each thing I had. If the number was even, something had to go or another obtained to make a balanced odd number.

In my adult years I found so many things didn't fit so neatly. I finally determined that anything that occured more than 25 times no longer fit in a counting category and had to be filed away as simply "a frequently occurring event." Worry was one thing that was consistent and unavoidable. I learned each night if I was to get any sleep, I must first think and categorize each worry I had, make a decision what was to be done, make a plan about how to act in order to do it, and then move to the next worry. Sometimes just spending appropriate time worrying and saying a prayer was enough.

By the time I reached my mid-twenties I couldn't drive without envisioning catastrophic car accidents. I would see myself running into the side of a bridge, or changing lanes into oncoming traffic. The visuals were graphic and often in slow motion.

I would daily try to count all my sins and wrongdoings and try to figure out what to do to be redeemed, but I was sure none of that was working. All the while, still counting and categorizing possessions.

I worked full time and had children and then grandchildren and looked for help. I was diagnosed with everything but OCD, until I was in my late 40's and suddenly a therapist saw something and sent me for an evaluation. By this time I had some nights I spent lying awake trying to figure out what was the longest one syllable word I could think of on my own without the internet.

I never thought I had OCD. OCD is fear of germs and locking doors and unlocking and locking. I found out that OCD is so much more. It's when your brain locks onto something and there is no way to stop until the process is complete and then it moves to the next hiccup. It's when your brain can't just tune out and turn off a task.

It's when you hit a bump in the road and your brain locks into the idea that maybe you hit a child or pet and you have to drive back 3 times to look and make sure there is nothing harmed. It is when you have to stop the car every mile because you are sure you are getting a flat and when you looked a mile ago it didn't show up yet, but now it will.

Medication helps ease it. Therapy that is effective is difficult to find. Mine doesn't go away, but it can be managed with meds and exercises. Compromises can be made and sometimes just walking through my own fears helps and I can sleep at night. If only I'd known years ago what it was and what to do.

http://www.ocfoundation.org/what-is-ocd.html