On Being a Man -- And Being Attractive to Women

I have sub-titled this hub "Sex and How to Get it" because, let's face it, we have been selected by evolution to want sex. There is no debate about this: those of our ape ancestors who showed less interest in sex had sex less often than those of our ancestors who were interested in sex. And without sex, you cannot pass on your genes. In other words, genes that promote personality traits involving liking sex got to get passed on -- as their "hosts" had more sex, on average, than those of our ancestors who were less interested in sex.

In other words, you didn't have ancestors who weren't interested in sex: the apes that were like that didn't reproduce!

 Of course, as time went on, our cultural apparatus became more and more dominant. There is of course a far cry between a band of twenty homo sapiens sapiens living on an East African plain and me sitting here in my Montreal apartment in the 21st Century. For a start, any given band of early humans probably didn't know there was anything much over the horizon of their African savannah -- NEVER MIND A WHOLE CONTINENT NOW CALLED NORTH AMERICA.

Yet for us all, whether in an Indian suburb of a modern city, a Swedish village, or, indeed, thousands of years ago in the African bush, sex is and has always been an issue.

There have always been rules governing mate selection; the rules have not always been the same, but rules there have always been.

WHAT IS CRUCIAL HOWEVER, is that, even though culture dictates what we see as the rules of sex (mormons in Utah are said to have multiple wives, men in San Francisco marry each other, Turkish sultans had hundreds of concubines), THE BASIC RULES OF SEX AS EVOLVED FOR HOMO SAPIENS SAPIENS, THAT SPECIFIC FORM OF APE THAT WE ARE HAVE NOT CHANGED.

 Leaving aside more complex issues such as homosexuality (which follows its own rules, and I suspect even exists in nature), despite heavy coatings of cultural learning weighing down our "Chinese", "European" or "American" minds, the fact is that we have evolved certain sexual patterns that are universal.

By this I do not mean that there is no variation in taste from individual to individual. I just mean that on average certain sexual behaviours tend to show up over and over again throughout history and across the world. Of course it is true that Western civilization has now been lambasted across the earth with such force that this might form part of an explanation as to why, nevertheless, just as with basic interests in things like "fun," "music", satisfaction of "curiosity," "humour", and so on, certain things just seem to be basic.

 Controversial statements about nature versus nurture aside, the bottom line is that, if you are sitting in front of a computer, then you probably belong to some version of "Western" civilization (an unfortunate term, as it surely includes the urbanized wealthy of places in the East and South..). Therefore what I am about to say probably applies to you...

The truth is that men and women respond to certain cues when it comes to selecting a sexual partner.

For men some of the most obvious are a woman's body shape (by which I mean proportions, and NOT necessarily size), hair, and face characteristics. Oh yes, and men can also be aroused by personality too of course! (But isn't it also true that this statement itself sounds slightly "strange" ... which might be telling in itself...)

Women of course, like physical characteristics too, and frankly, (I am told) check out a man's "package" through his jeans (excuse the "blue" language :-) ).

HOWEVER, women tend to look for BEHAVIOURS AND PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS, INCLUDING BODY LANGUAGE AND POSTURE, when selecting a mate for sex.

 Women who are not gay do not want men who act like (the stereotype) of women. In other words, stereotypes of men and women are, for example, that men lead and women follow, that men protect and women are protected, that men stand up and find what they want, and women want men who do that (think of Harrison Ford).

First and foremost, women do not want DOORMATS.

Now obviously, women are able to protect (see women firemen), lead (see women CEO's), and THINK FOR THEMSELVES. They are also able to go after what they want (at least, in general, if they have access to finances, and live in a generally liberally democratic society, but also of course, in other contexts: anyone who has spent time in the Arab world learns how strong Arab Muslim women often are, and how much force of personality they can possess).

But THIS HUB IS NOT ABOUT POLITICAL OR SOCIAL ARRANGEMENTS, IT IS ABOUT SEXUAL ATTRACTION.

In other words, the truth is that men who LEAD, who are CONFIDENT, who are there own MAN, who KNOW WHAT THEY WANT AND ARE NOT AFRAID TO GO GET IT, DESPITE OBSTACLES, are the men that WOMEN FIND SEXY.

 Here is the bottom line. While women of course like men to be generally pleasant, a little bit of cockiness (just a touch), some poking fun and teasing, AND HAVING YOUR OWN LIFE, are what women (in general) FIND SEXY.

In Other words, if you approach a woman and are TOO pleasant, TOO interested in her, THEN HOW WILL YOU STAND OUT FROM THE OTHER MEN SHE CAN CHOOSE FROM.

Ultimately, YOU CANNOT BE A DOORMAT. Ask yourself, if you are a man: would you yourself want a doormat for a girlfriend? (I hope the answer is no...). So why should it work in the other direction?

Women like sex, in general. Women may not necessarily go to bed with someone they just met, but so what! If you are worried it might take some time for her to warm to you, several times of meeting, then you ARE ALREADY DISPLAYING NEEDY BEHAVIOUR.

And a woman does not want a man who is NEEDY, because needy implies DESPERATE.

I say again, if you are a man, do YOU like it when you partner seems desperate...!

 If you want a woman to have sex with you SHE has to want it!

Her chances of wanting it with YOU are much greater if you are:

- CONFIDENT

- NON-NEEDY

- CAN BUILD RAPPORT BUT DO NOT ACT LIKE A DOORMAT

- ARE SLIGHTLY UNAVAILABLE OR A TINY BIT STANDOFFISH

- HOLD YOUR POSTURE IN A MANLY WAY, AS DEFINED BY ALL THOSE MOVIE STEREOTYPES (no really, that's important for attraction....)

If you stick to these principles, GET A LIFE so you have interesting things to talk to her about (Dungeons and Dragons does not count, watching sports does not count unless she is into that too, but playing an interesting sport counts, or having an interesting skill, or having interesting stories you can tell, about your travels, for example, count), and make sure YOU ARE NOT NEEDY, DESPERATE, OR A DOORMAT, and, finally, remember to hold your POSTURE like a stereotypical man, your attractiveness to women will explode.