Now, as farting is a natural gaseous emission that can occur to most people after say a heavy meal, during a gastro enteritis attack or the imbibing of carbonated soft drinks, it can be assumed that no one is safe from the awful extrusion of some noise or noises emanating from one’s own bottom, which can of course be a great source of embarrassment.

But if this natural phenomenon was to occur to us in a public place then that whole wanting to “crawl under the nearest log to hide” feeling could be tripled or even possibly magnified out of all proportion to the actual event.

Now the magnification of this embarrasement would be particularly mortifying if for example, a public person’s bottom was involved and then that particular bottom was placed near a microphone in a very public place. And what if said person's bottom was farting it's little head off while located in a place such as an assembly or a church or even at a political rally? The extrapolation of the situation regarding the whole farting process would be that then your/their mistake could be readily available to members of the adoring public via television or computer networks. The whole world could be witness to your smelly shortcomings. The entire world would be able to see and hear YOU fart!.

Additionally just imagine if the new and added sense of smell was available from your television set, how awful in a purely sensory manner this could be.

After all, like it or not U-tube is there – just waiting for your

out-of-place faltering step, for your intimate mistake to be made known to the whole wide world! What an embarrassment for the farter! But what if it wasn't just them - what if it was YOU! How would you feel? Not good - I imagine.

So a suggestion, some advice to the would-be flatulence sufferers, "the farters" before their embarkation into a career in the public eye, would be to stay away from such low grade air/crap shooters as beans, lentils, and dairy products, members of the onion family such as garlic, leeks; the potato and sweet potato, cashews, yeast and many other products that have a distinct leaning towards the sharing of the individuals’ farting prowess - which then leads to the subsequent sharing of the most pungent of smells, in purely an olfactory sense, with their nearest and dearest. Indeed I have heard that genus Brassica family i.e. the cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli and cauliflower to name a few of the problem children, not only increases the likelihood of the farts but also the pungency of the emissions.

Although to be honest the really funny thing I find here is that the “methane” problem, sometimes found in the more private areas of people’s houses, is now out on the open road for all to consume and enjoy via the use of the new unleaded petrol. So on this basis I say Environment 1 – People nil.

Another high fart problem is “High Altitude Flatus Expulsion” – or dare I say, "elevated volcanic farts", was first noticed over two hundred years ago and was thought to be caused by the confined conditions and stresses associated with mountaineering conditions. But if you think about it, this particular farting problem in a way would have been more private for the farter given the perishing climatic situation he/she would have found themselves in at the given moment.

However I also wonder if the elevated members of the “Mile High Club” (based on the same reasoning) ever suffered even temporarily, with this hiccup from their nether regions, and indeed if and when a flatulent eruption occurred whether it was viewed as just another flash in the air pan. This question will probably remain unanswered.

But my premise in these words today, is to bring you news of the person who appears to fart indiscriminately or possibly unknowlingly whilst in the public eye. This was brought home forcibly to me this morning as I was wandering through u-tube. I was quite amazed to see that these farters did not seem to worry about their bottoms erupting all over the place and that they carried on their eulogising without a trace of embarrasement or without even stopping to excuse themselves to others! Of course some people have farted and erupted into laughter because of the "caught out" factor on television!

Some I thought quite musical as they walked around speaking and it seemed as if their farting was tuned to their inner beat.Or perhaps even synced by the makers of these videos to look authentic! I don't know - bit base really...

So I thought in the interests of the common good I would share these prominent farters with you - dear readers all - via the inclusion of these utube videos!

Some people may find these videos offensive - so if this is the case, please do yourself a favour and don't watch them.

copyright a.a.gallagher

all rights reserved

February 2009

The Definition:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia

Flatulence is the production of a mixture of gases in the digestive tract of mammals other animals that are by products of the digestion process. Such a mixture of gases is known as flatus, and is expelled from the rectum in a process colloquially referred to as "passing gas" or “farting”. Flatus is brought to the rectum by the same process which causes faeces to descend from the large intestine. The noises commonly associated with flatulence are caused by the vibration of the anal sphincter, and occasionally by the closed buttocks.