These jokes will be a one-time use. They have a 5 minute timer and will explode once that timer is reached. Please, be careful with them. I've doused these jokes with a coolant making them acceptable in TEXT-based facebook format. If told in real life they WILL have destructive impact.


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*I've always thought of myself as a particularly handsome man. Appearances can be deceiving.

*It would be awesome if you could intercept phone calls by throwing your phone into the air and catching the signal. Then you'd catch the phone and start making obscene noises into the phone and possibly ruin someones relationship. Well, I mean... one can dream.

*How do I know I'm not gay? I've never sucked more than one dick at a time. Next question... no. We're moving on.

*So I wanted to name-drop a couple up and coming bands in case they get famous and in case I get famous, and in case anyone's listening. So... here goes: Radiohead, Neil Young, David Bowie (he's going to be a star someday), PEARL JAM, and that's it for now.

*I'm really proud of the Blazers this year. I think their strategy was to bring in Oden to distract the other players, a trojan horse of a player, just to unleash Rudy, Roy and LaMarcus. So thank you for that, Oden. Keep drawing all the attention.

*I've got sixteen toe, and there's sort of a fucked up story behind that but I'm not going to go into it. Let's just say that I get custom built shoes for me. You know who else gets custom shoes built for them? David Beckham. Yeah.

*Here's my impersonation of me doing Chris Rock: I wanted to talk about Beckham for a minute... you guys had him. YOU HAD HIM. You couldn't keep him for a fucking year. Way to go, America. Really, I'm proud of you guys. You had him, and now you lost him. YOU HAD MOTHERFUCKING BECKHAM. NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU LOST HIM.

*Here's my impersonation of a banana. (start taking off clothes)

*Here's my impersonation of my fellow comedians: la;dk;alshdakljdyheipuyfal

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