Recently, my life has taken a whole new direction. It wasn't by choice. It was by force. You see, I am the mother of a 13 year old that has claimed abuse by the man that I was in love with. My world crash-landed right into the gates of H...well, you know the place.

For more than three years, I lived with and loved what I saw as a good provider and a wonderful father figure for my children. He was honest and sensitive and hard-working. We had hoped to get married in the early part of 2009, but this past summer, one of my children claimed that he had been abusive towards him/her. ( I really don't want to get into too many details.) I was shocked! There had not been a single day that passed when I, or any one else, could see any sign of any abuse. This man got along great with not only this child, but all the others as well. He provided for them as of they were his own. He treated them all equally- never showing any kind of favortism.

Now, I cannot tell whether the claims were true or not. Not because I don't want to tell you, but because I do not know. Many say that I am a bad mother because I have my doubts, but I saw how this man treated my children every day. I also saw how my children treated him. I listened to both sides of the story and there were things said that just couldn't be. I'm not going to say which said these particular things or what these things were, but i will tell you that my mind quickly put two and two together, and it's still adding.

I also know that this child has been told constantly by people that he/she should look up tp that this man would be abrusive. These were people who did not take the time to get to know this man, but yet they formed an opinion on him before we had even been together for a day.

Anyway, how did this change my life? Well, first of all, I lost the best man that had ever come into my life. I chose instead of actively seeking the truth to just follow blindly follow my child as I wa told that I should by people that I know and by professionals handling the situation. Even though, I had my own thoughts on the situation, I chose to just be the good mother. What does it matter that I got hurt in the process? What does it matter that my other three children are no showing signs of behavioral problems because they are hurting? They lost the only man in their lives that has ever behaved like a real father towards them. What does it matter that a possibly innocent man may spend the rest of his life in prison because of the whims of a child? I did what I had to for my child. I can only hope that my indecisiveness can produce an outcome that can work towards a better life for all those that deserve it.

My life changed financially and emotionally. I am now struggling to provide for them. I am no longer a part of a two-income family. I try my best to give them a good life, but this same child has told me that I was not doing all that I could for them. This same child has told me that I was crazy to think that any man could ever want to be with me and that I would be better off alone. He/she tells me that he/she hates me, and "swears" that I hate him/her too. I have suffered more hurt from that than anything. I love my children more than anything in this world.

Emotionally speaking, I was always soft-hearted before. Now I am just numb inside. The only time I feel any deep emotions is when I see him out somewhere. My heart is forever linked to his, but I cannot be with him. I barely eat. I rarely sleep. I spend my nights crying and my days trying not to cry. I was already suffering from depression, but now I have fallen even futher down that emotional slope. I don't even know of a name for this condition. Depression is too mild a word.

I took to writing and now I am moving towards becoming a published author. My utter sadness and despair has ignited a fire in me. It has driven me to want to create a happy ending for someone else because I cannot have one for myself. I am emotionally drained, and writing has helped to channel all the negative feelings that are trapped inside me into something more creative. I guess that that was one good thing that has come out of all of this.

I have had to move back into the house with my parents also. I was miserable when I lived here when I had to live here. You can just imagine how I feel now. I keep to my room as much as I can. I have more expenses here than I did living on my own. I can't even save up enough money to move. I wa yelled at for spending money to start my Christmas shopping istead of "helping out more with the bills", At this rate, my ids will not even have a Christmas.

I sit at my computer for hours and type endlessly until I have cleansed my heart and my mind of the twenty million what-ifs that whirl through my head every second of every day. My mind races back and forth between believing my child and trusting my heart, but still I just do what is expected of me and not much more. I try to keep my children happy no matter what, and I work on my book. My so-called friends have taken to treating me like a lost cause. Even the one friend that still associates with me has become bored of me. I have given up on dating and falling in love. I tried to find someone new, but my heart has not been in doing that. I am still very much in love with the man I lost, but I am feeling guilty because for loving him. I also feel guilty for the things I do for this child who has instigated these changes in my life.

My life has changed. Yes. I had taken the depression and heartache that had plagued me for the majority of my life and channeled it into loving someone, and that had made me a better parent and a better person. It had helped me lose over 100 pounds of weight that I had gained during the most depressing times in my life. I was happy and loved. Now I am just here. I feel joyous because I have taken the time to fulfill a life long dream, but I cannot enjoy that because of all the negative things that I have been feeling because of everything else. I am lonely.

I have gone out of my way to help my child. My family and so-called friends have told me that I did the right thing, but my heart says to take a closer look. I did as I was told. I have lost interest in a lot of things, but I try to pretend that I am not feeling the heartache that I feel.

You asked how my life has changed, and I told you. I am happy for one change. My book will be published within the next year, but I am so sad and lonely. I have my children, but I have three that are angry with me for leaving their "dad", and one that I feel hates me unless I am constantly doing something to keep him/her smiling. My child has changed my life. Some changed have been good, but most have not.

Tootles!!