Dear MatchMaker-Melissa,

I recently responded to an ad through Willamette Week’s MatchMaker Personals. I had never met anyone through an ad before and have been out of the dating scene for about a year. I’m really ready for a serious long-term relationship now. Anyway, I responded to bugslayer_inpdx, a software engineer in Beaverton, we were both 31 and seemed to have many similar interests. After talking on the phone and sensing a great rapport, we set up a date at a nearby coffee shop.

He arrived 10 minutes late and didn’t look as attractive as in his picture but still kinda cute. I decided to keep an open mind. After 2 hours of great conversation I started to feel some chemistry.

At the end of the evening, we had parked in different directions, he shook my hand and said he had fun and would call me but he didn’t walk me to my car. It’s been 5 days and he hasn’t called but he did send a text message Saturday night to see if I wanted to come over to his apt. I did really like him but I guess I was hoping for more courtship, what should I do?

~Still hopeful

Dear Still hopeful,

First of all, kudos to you for having the courage to put yourself out there! Unfortunately your dilemma is common for most novice online daters. Would it be okay if your best friend arrived late and let you walk to your car in the dark alone without offering to walk or drive you? The answer would likely be, a resounding NO. A relationship is a friendship first and foundation of friendship is respect. And a text message for a booty call on a Saturday night is not courtship, my friend!

As women, we tend to analyze things away, “maybe he got busy, maybe there was traffic, maybe it’s a rough week, and maybe he had a bad childhood.” Well, maybe he did and maybe you should get used to this treatment because this is how it will be forever if you get into a relationship with him.

So before obsessing about if/when he will call, think about if you really want him too. It’s easy to get laser-focused on one prospect but dating is like a job. If you worked in sales for example, and got one “no” would you give up? In sales you have to hit lots of “no’s” before you hit a yes. A no, is a blessing because it’s leading you toward someone more right.

I completely understand what it feels like to feel this chemistry and have it go nowhere, it doesn’t mean what you felt wasn’t real, and that might be fun for a night but for a lifetime you need someone with integrity. I recommend posting your own ad and keeping your eyes on 2-3 guys. Also, you might want to try diversifying your search by attending one of the MatchMaker sponsored singles events. This will help you remind yourself there are so many choices, and why settle your attention on just one?