When it comes to being successful at online dating, I hear so many people asking what to do, and what to say, to a person they really don't want to mess things up with. Well my hopeful friends, I am here to help, and the simplicity of it will likely amaze you.

First of all, interacting online is a great deal like interacting in real life, shockingly enough. These are real people you are talking to, and they've become accustomed to a certain level etiquette in their day to day lives. For example, if someone speaks to you while you are waiting for the bus, minding your own business, it is typically considered rude to ignore them completely. There are two general outcomes to this event. Either the person speaking to you seems well put together, is easy to talk to, and you have a decent little conversation with the potential for another one in the future; or the person is creepy, possibly drunk, or otherwise an undesirable presence, and you make some polite excuses and cease speaking with them, perhaps sacrificing your place in line to get further away if they persist. But in both cases you do reply to them.

Similarly if somebody messages you on an online dating website, it is considered polite to at least reply to them, even if it's to politely reject them. The exception occurs often with attractive women, who get so many messages in a day that they simply cannot answer them all even if they wanted to, or with people who are simply tired of all the bad messages they receive, be they attractive women or otherwise. The real life analogy for this would be walking down a busy urban street, and having someone ask you for change every few feet or so. You might give some to the first person (or more likely not) but after that you just tend to ignore them.

The secret to not being the proverbial online beggar is to write good messages! If your idea of an appropriate thing to send in a message is "Hey" (and it is for an alarming number of people) then we've got a lot of work to do!

 Not only is "Hey" a terrible message to attempt to get someone's attention, but "Hey, ur cute" is even more abominable! Therefore my first exhortation to you, my students, is to use proper grammar! (Becuz youzing teh lolspeak iz not ver funneh, ore ver seckseh). And also because the use of proper grammar and sentence structure has unfortunately become a distinguishing mark in much of the online world, rather than the norm. One of my greatest pet peeves in this regard is the flagrant abuse of the word "you're." I would like to clarify in advance: "you're" = "you are" (for example: "you're doing it wrong!") whereas "your" indicates possession (for example: "your car is rolling away!"). The use of proper grammar will give you a slight edge in getting noticed with your messages, and help you to avoid looking like a drunken slurring idiot.

Next, we will move on to the content of your messages. Introducing yourself to someone online is a lot like introducing yourself to them in real life. Regarding strangers, you don't generally walk up to a person and say "Hi, I'm Greg!" you have to ease into it with a small bit of relevant conversation first! After you've broken the ice, then it is very appropriate to introduce yourself, and I would say mandatory. Self disclosure helps to stimulate self disclosure, so if you introduce yourself first and then ask them their name, they will be much more likely to tell you than if you had simply messaged them with "what's your name?" out of the blue. Such is the pattern for most good conversations, first you reveal a little bit about yourself, and then you ask a question requiring them to reveal a little bit about themselves, and so on and so forth.

In addition to intelligence, humour is very attractive, so if you can pull it off, I highly suggest you do, as often as you can!

Now, as sound as my advice generally is, it is oftentimes much too general and vague to be of use to the people who need it most. So ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to my...

Yes it exists! All the great advice I can give in one step by step, easy to read format for only three easy payments of $99.99! And by $99.99, I mean free. I'm not going to try to sell you my idea, it sells itself (and I don't even get commission, the cheeky bugger!).

The most important thing you can do in a message is demonstrate that you have read their profile! This involves not mentioning appearance until you've gotten to know them a little, and only then can you feel free to issue a small compliment, if you must. We will return to the issue of compliments later. For now we must focus on the steps to a great first message!

Step One:

Kill three birds with one stone! Demonstrate that you read their profile, show some interest in what they're interested in, and interject a little humour at the same time by making a joke about one of their interests. For example "Hey! I love cooking too, but the local fire department has asked me to stop because I'm a 'public menace'. If you ask me, they're just lazy and don't want to keep rescuing me."

Step Two:

Now is when you should [1] explicitly (yet casually) express that you're interested in this person, but avoid over complimenting like the plague! [2] Pick something that you actually like about their profile; maybe it's exceptionally witty, or very genuine and straightforward, and comment on it! Then [3] state your honourable intentions of getting to know them further. Which might look something like this all together: "[1] You seem pretty cool, [2] I laughed nearly the entire time I was reading your profile! [3] We could have some very interesting conversations with that wit of yours, I think I'd like getting to know you."

Step Three:

If you just left it at step two it would be a little creepy. In face to face interaction you don't just let someone know that you'd like to know them better and then stare them down, waiting for them to reveal their secrets to you. No, you ask a follow up question! Nearly every online dating profile is rife with material for generating good questions; ask a question about something you'd actually like to know about them or their interests. For example, "So you're a skydiver? I've never tried it before, what's it like? Were you afraid to jump the first time?" or "you mentioned philosophy, what did you mean when you said ________?" Ask questions that involve more than a yes or a no, people are usually more than eager to explain their hobbies and interests, give them an outlet! If their profile is a little sparse with details, you might have some trouble with this one, if they're a student, a safe question is always to ask about their major. If they're not, there's always some interests they've listed that you might want to know more about. And if their profile is completely barren and devoid of anything you could ask about, you're clearly just after them because they have a good picture! For shame!

All Together Now...

So, our entire example message would look like this:

" Hey! I love cooking too, but the local fire department has asked me to stop because I'm a 'public menace'. If you ask me, they're just lazy and don't want to keep rescuing me.

You seem pretty cool, I laughed nearly the entire time I was reading your profile. We could have some very interesting conversations with that wit of yours! I think I'd like getting to know you. So you're a skydiver? I've never tried it before, what's it like? Were you afraid to jump the first time?"

These are just some basic elements that should appear in your message, if you're inspired by something you read in their profile, by all means go with your gut! Feel free to talk about their interests more if you have a few in common!

Did your initial message meet with success? I knew it would! So now where do we go? Obviously we should answer any questions they asked or address any subjects that come up in their reply, and then ask some more conversation stimulating questions ourselves, but after that we should make sure to formally introduce ourselves in our second message. You can literally just say "I've forgotten my manners! Allow me to introduce myself, My name is Paul, pleased to meet you!"

I personally would go for first and last names here, but if you prefer to be on the more cautious side, first name only is fine. If your first message meets with success, your second message will almost always get a reply, if our intended target reveals their name in return, and the whole question and answer exchange as described above in "Conversation School 101" goes well, then it's time to make a move with your third message.

If you want to get to know them better, I would highly recommend moving your discussion to MSN or some other instant messaging software, it allows you to get a much better sense of a person than if they have unlimited time to prepare their responses. After you answer the questions you received in their reply and ask some of your own, simply say "you should add me to MSN, [insert contact information], it's much easier to have a decent conversation"

This can be a risky move, but if your messages were going well, then you don't have much to fear, and the benefits are definitely worth it! What happens after this falls outside the category of "Online Dating: Etiquette and Messages" but if you're looking for a potential relationship, I suggest you slowly insert some playful sexual innuendo into your MSN conversations, and add each other to Facebook, so you can both see what the other looks like more fully (which might influence whether you want to meet them in real life or not!). Eventually you should suggest meeting. Have an idea ready when you do, don't ask them "on a date" that's a lot of pressure. Casually ask them to hang out.

Great date and "hangout" (which is basically still a date without the pressure generating implications) ideas will be presented in another Hub dear readers! Hope you enjoyed this one! Don't forget to check out my profile for more!