Online parenting classes help parents find the answer to this question: "Why do my children misbehave?" You can solve this mystery and find yourself able to use a parenting style that is democratic, respectful, effective, practical and easy to implement.

Often the focus is on the 'bad' child because the parents are puzzled as to why their children don't listen, embarrass them in public, whine and beg to get what they want until mom or dad give in to their demands.

Not a pretty scenario. It seems everywhere you look, families are either zoned out on their individual ipods, have so many activities they stay in touch on cell phones instead of in person, and stressed out parents are unsuccessfully dealing with out of control children.

Parents are feeling ineffective and schools have become more about discipline than learning.

Children don’t actually 'know' why they misbehave. A primary goal of all children is to belong. It is a social and emotional need. They learn by trial and error. If a particular behavior gets a particular response which says to the child. 'you have a place in this family', the behavior will be reinforced and continue. And for the child it makes no difference whether this behavior is positive or negative because the overriding need is to belong not be 'good'. Children learn how to behave from observing the results of what they do. If the desired result is produced by misbehavior it will continue.

An example can make this clearer. Young children will often misbehave to get mom and dad to pay attention to them. Usually, they will get more attention if they misbehave. Mom will say 'don't touch that', 'move away from that hot oven', 'stop hitting your brother'.

Parents do not realize the importance of noticing and acknowledging good behavior by saying something positive to the child. For instance, 'it is nice to see you playing so well with your brother', 'thank you for playing quietly while I was on the phone'.

Quickly, little Tommy learns that annoying dad will get his attention more often than not and that is what is continues to find ways to do.

Learning to understand a child's goal of misbehavior, provides clues on how to guide a child toward more positive behavior.

The 4 Goals of Misbehavior

Goal of Attention - All children desire and need attention. But a child who needs attention all the time resorts to behavior that is annoying. The parent responds by scolding or warnings and the child is temporarily satisfied but not for long. Parents feel extremely annoyed at this misbehavior.

Goal of Power - By their acts of misbehavior these children are saying "I am in control" or "You can't make me". Parents feel angry and will meet the child in a power struggle. If the parent gives in instead of refusing to participate in the power struggle the child "wins" and stops the behavior temporarily until the next power struggle arises. Parents feel very angry at this misbehavior.

Goal of Revenge - These children often feel they have been hurt or that they can never win. The only way to belong and feel more in charge is to get even. Parents feel hurt and rejected at this misbehavior.

Goal of Inadequacy - Often a child will give up by displaying helplessness. Parents feel helpless to do anything and feel like giving up as well. For many children this form of misbehavior is displayed only in certain areas like homework or activities. Parents feel unable to do anything about this misbehavior.

What the child's intended goal and the parents feelings are important keys in being able to develop a strategy to decrease misbehavior and influence cooperation and responsibility. By learning how to respond differently to their children, parents will observe their children altering their behavior and can then help them find positive ways to achieve their need to belong.

What parenting style is best?

Determining the most effective parenting style to use in order to raise positive, respectful, happy children can be daunting. Finding a parenting approach that can work for all ages of children, that is practical and easy to implement can seem impossible. There is so much information from experts that make parents feel they cannot trust their common sense or advice that is for particular problems but not a workable, result oriented way to parent, it becomes very difficult to be the good parents we know every parent wants to be.

What about the option of training yourself in how to become the best parent you can be. Not be in reaction to the way you were parented but a truly democratic, respectful parenting style that ensures that you home is loving, happy and people are respectful to one another.

Knowing the difference between basic parenting styles is helpful. Your parents may have been the Giving Orders or authoritarian parenting style type, sometimes known as “Do as I say not as I do”. These parents feel they must be in control and have many rules allowing children little or no freedom. Discipline is based on reward and punishment, so children learn early to please their parents to gain a reward and behave well out of fear of punishment. These children may have a hard time problem solving as they get older and/or they may rebel in reaction to the controlling methods of their parents.

Or maybe you are more familiar with Giving In or a permissive parenting style, children do not have consistent guidelines and parents have trouble setting limits and sticking to them. These parents often want to be a friend to their child. Children without limits have trouble with responsibility, with relationships and respecting the rights of others.

So, what’s left? Giving Choices, a parenting style that is practical, respectful and democratic. Discipline is a result of applying natural and logical consequences instead of punishment. Children learn to balance freedom with responsibility. Parents learn to recognize that misbehavior is a choice and find ways to encourage their children to make better choices.

Punishment is threatening involving yelling, hitting and taking things away. It can instill fear in the child and guilt in the parents. Learning from the consequences of misbehavior teaches a child self-discipline. Positive discipline includes: being respectful to yourself and your child, having positive expectations, using limited choices and allowing you child to learn from natural and logical consequences.

Parenting Matters Online Parenting Classes can teach you how to stop worrying about being a good parenting and become an effective one. I call this stressless parenting and with classes a little practice and expert help, it is an achievable goal.