Open Relationships and You
80Let me start out by saying that anyone that believes in open relationships and their ability to work might just be mentally handicapped. Actually, nevermind. They are mentally handicapped. Why? Because there is no such thing as an open relationship.
Let's find out the definition of open relationship. Webster's dictionary defines open relationship as: Noun - a relationship that is made up by horny men that have read one too many Hustler Forums. Often times in these open relationships, women are oblivious to the fact that they are in them.
So now that we know what it is, why do people still say that they are in an open relationship. For starters, women that might say this are brainwashed by their idiotic boyfriends. They are led to believe that promiscuity is cool only because the men are too scared to commit to one woman. Fact is, women would never willingly agree to be in an open relationship with anyone unless they themselves don't give a crap about their boyfriend either....which in essence means that there really wasn't a relationship to begin with.
Men on the other hand, feel an open relationship leaves the door open for having sexy time with other women. This backfires 99 percent of the time, because if they ever told a woman, "It's cool, I am in an open relationship, " any logical woman would laugh and walk away. Though for that 1 percentile of woman that goes along with it, she is more than likely probably so low on self esteem, she is boardering on suicide...which also doesn't qualify as a relationship.
So you might be saying in your head, "What about swingers? They are in open relationships". Swingers are not in fact part of an open relationship. They are in something else entirely called, " Super Denial". You see, super denial is something that people have to tell themselves to feel better about something that has happened in the past. For example, many of these self proclaimed swingers will admit that live the lifestyle, meanwhile denying the fact that they were raped in their treehouse by the "cool" neighbor. People in super denial are not in the right brain wave to be in any sort of relationship so they don't count either.
So what does all of that mean? It's simple, there really is no such thing as an open relationship, because any sane individual would never want to have sex with another person if they are actually in love with someone.
Disclaimer: If you are a swinger or in an open relationship, and don't agree with any of the facts that are mentioned in this hub, you are free to comment so I can laugh at you and your denial.
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Comments
I couldn't agree with you more :) Funny I have argued this with several of my friends and now your article is a back up as I am not the only person in the world that disagrees with open relationships and the jealousy factor good grief why would someone put themselves through so much? You said they are nuts.:)
This is a very funny blog, judgemental, but very funny. It begs the question what type of person can handle such a situation and whether someone who loves someone else passionately can stand by and let it happen. Like the relationship between Cole Porter and his wife, Linda. They had an open relationship which Linda Porter accepted but towards the end she felt unsatisfied-the situation wasn't good enough for her and she questioned Cole's love for her. But then, every couple is different, maybe it works for someone.
Hm, well, yeah pretty judgmental there and incredibly harsh. However, your hub, your opinion. At the risk of getting laughed in the face, I don't mind sharing what I know about open relationships. The words 'open' and 'relationships' already says a lot about itself. There are many ways to make this work in practice and there are many that works because it's practiced in this manner: honesty, openness, trust, love, respect, and compassion.
I was hoping to see a good quality hub on the opinion *against* open relationships, but a lot of this is, well, not good quality. If it was done in humor, interesting sense of humor there. Using this as a back-up for anyone wanting to argue against open relationships would have this ripped down in shreds with many of actual valid points.
Good luck. :)
Sunny, I am all ears hun. If you are in fact in one of these open relationships, I invite you to a formal debate right here in this comment section. Dress/Casual Dress recommended.
Okay, I think I can do a debate... let's see...
I used to be - a swinger, and then polyamorous. As it is, I'm in an entirely monogamous, closed relationship with my current boyfriend and it's agreeable to me. :D
This part here...
"It's simple, there really is no such thing as an open relationship, because any sane individual would never want to have sex with another person if they are actually in love with someone."
This might hold true for many people. However, this is one of those things I consider associating sex with love. Love is not exclusive to sex and sex is not exclusive to love. I think someone can be totally in love and consider having sex with another (or letting the partner do so) as a sort of enjoyable recreation and experiment *with* the partner.
I do think there can be a commitment to a partner while participating in open relationships.
Here, you might ask... well, isn't that just the woman letting men go wild so they can keep them? Not really. Women can just go for a wild ride as much as men can - *for themselves*.
As for myself, I was incredibly selective with my choice in sexual friends. I did not have sex frequently, nor did I always have the time for sex period. I just jumped in the pool once in a while and took my then-boyfriend along so I could have a bisexual experience.
Casual dress here, btw! :)
Sunny, prepare to be rebutted.
Your first sentence is an interested one. You used to be a swinger. As in past tense. You now consider yourself to be in a monogamous relationship.
I am drawn to the conclusion that your footloose and fancy free relationship where you were lesbianing (it's a word trust me) out was something you needed to do in order to experience the full effects of your sexual life.
I get that. 90 percent of college girls whether they admit or not would say the same thing. However: The relationship you were in ended, thus also making me come to the conclusion that it probably wasn't a very good relationship to begin with. It was just young lust. Young lust does not equal a relationship.
You also mention you are in a relationship now...a monogamous one. How would you feel if he asked you if he could sleep with other women?
Hmm. So, if a relationship ends, it wasn't a good one? I don't know about that one. I don't really think that it's always a case that a relationship was a bad one just because it had to end.
I was 16, he was 17 when we got together and went out looking for experiences together. We were together around 5 years, and the relationship ended around 4 months ago. We had years of it together and it wasn't all bad. ;) I agree that we were young, but I think the experiences that we had helped us mature in a lot of ways. It wasn't just lust. We were both very close, I would say best friends in a lot of ways. Our relationship ended not because of it being open, but because simply being friends wasn't always enough. Entirely different reason altogether.
It is entirely monogamous now with my new partner because the polyamorous relationships we were in with our other loves actually did not work out. It was incredibly incompatible and his wife, well, plainly sucked the energy out of him for 10 years. Let me be more clear. His wife and he were monogamous for the most of it. Unfortunately, being newly poly in the last year actually extended the marriage beyond it's expiration date; we helped them to last longer for another year when they were just ready to quit long before. Right now, simplicity is more important. Plus, I think we just prefer monogamy over all after all our experiences.
Hmm, if he asked me if he could sleep with other women? I have actually told him it would be okay if he wanted to. I would probably be annoyed that he asked now after all his adamant no-nos. I would probably prefer the experiences to be few right now because the guy is 37 and has had plenty. Right now, I mainly want to keep him to myself, lol, and he is agreeable to that!
The difference here is that we choose what we want out of different relationships. He and I agreed to monogamy because that is what we are the most comfortable with for each other. If two other partners were to decide that they wanted open relationship and are capable of loving and respecting each other in the whole process, I say go for it.
Hi Tim,
I am in denial I guess: I'm in two relationships, living a polyamorous lifestyle and have been for several years. I'm 45 years of age, I know what I want in life and I don't mind sharing.
Your definition of relationship doesn't suit me.
To me relationships are about love and caring, about seeing the best in someone, about wanting your partners and yourself to have the best possible life. To grow together and learn. To be committed to the other's well being as well as your own.
Unfortunately most monogamous relationships don't appear to be about that, they appear to be about ownership: "You're mine" rather than: "You're you". I have chosen never again to give up me in order to belong with/to someone else. I'm not saying monogamous relationships don't work. I am just saying that they don't work for me.
Being in more than one relationship is not the same as having one foot out the door. I'm fully committed to both my partners.
As for jealousy: you need to be able to look at that green eyed monster and see it for what it is: A rather childish emotion saying: "I want what she's having", rather than something to base a lifestyle on. Whenever I find myself feeling jealous I take a long hard look at myself and check where I've not been taking good care of me.
So tell me again, what am I in denial about?
Windtraveller, where you see tomatoes, I see tom-ah-toes. Here's where we fundamentally disagree: You say
"Being in more than one relationship is not the same as having one foot out the door. I'm fully committed to both my partners."
My math says that you cannot be committed to both partners. You divided by two is 50 percent. Somewhere, someone is wanting more time with you. You are in denial if you think anything otherwise. It's math. It's undisputable.
:-)
Unless of course, you are the other woman. In which case you are only getting 50 percent of the man in your life. I can't see how that is fulfilling either. You say you have to "check" your jealousy every now and again in the mirror. I suggest you look in the mirror a little longer and convince yourself that you as a woman are worth 100 percent to someone. Not 50.
Being in a monogamous relationship isn't about ownership as you say. Unfortunately, I feel that your monogamous relationships were bad. (ie; probably abusive either physically or verbally). The reason I feel that way is by your tone.
" I have chosen never again to give up me in order to belong with/to someone else."
In my opinion, if you were in a great monagomous relationship, you wouldn't feel like you were being owned. Therefore, again, I say in my opinion, you are in denial.
Well, see, someone will always want more time with you. Your children, your family, your friends. Having multiple friends means you end up having to divide your time. The fact is, your time and resources are definitely limited, but not the ability to love. That is certainly indisputable, I won't argue that. There are people that can work with those limits because they love their partners enough to do that, I don't see that as denial at all.
I don't see the problem in having "50% of the man". Seriously! Think about your logic a little more. In a monogamous relationship, the woman or man still doesn't get the whole person their spouse or lover is because there is still family to share with, there are friends, there is the person's career and hobbies. In a polyamorous relationship, it's a bit more hectic but not wrong or pointing to someone being in denial.
I don't think being in any relationship should be about ownership unless that's how the partners want to give themselves. Ownership can also be found in polyamory in other small ways.
Every person has to check their jealousy or envy about every other things in their lives, it's not a phenomonen that *only* occurs within polyamory. Like windtraveller said, it's about figuring out what you aren't doing for yourself. You should be able to resolve these things with yourself and your partner(s).
Just because monogamy didn't work for someone doesn't have to mean the relationships were bad. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't: that's actually irrelevant. She found two people she loved, it's working for her, it feels right to her - how is this denial? If she was in a great monogamous relationship and didn't feel like she was being owned, she may still be hardwired for polyamory and be able to love more than the one person she is in a relationship with.
Tim,
quite a rant, I'll have to say... and of course it has its own logic and is sane within its own framework, but like all logics and all frameworks, it starts with the premises, and yours is obviously something along the lines of "you can only love one at once", which remains unexplained, axiomatic.
I've lived monoamorously for many years, and am now living polyamorously, being with two partners who have lived polyamorously for much longer than I. Full knowledge of each other. To me, the emotions involved aren't much different.
As for your math... love is endless to me, and endless divided by 2 is still endless...
But anyway, it's obvious open relationships do not work for you. That's absolutely fine. But why you think you can speak for me or anyone else you don't have the faintest chance to actually know, that's a mystery to me...
Have a good one.
Good point made by Richard, it shouldn't matter whether my relationship with my ex-wife was a great one or not. Even so...
The promise that we made to each other to forsake all others ultimately didn't work for me. Does that make me hard-wired for polyamory? I don't know, I just know that I'm not making the promise of exclusivity anymore.
Math's may count as far as spending time is concerned. If that's the measure of a relationship I'm getting less than half. Most of his time is spent at work, with his wife and family and his sports and whatnot.
However I don't measure love by the time spent. The measure I put on love has to do with the depth of relationship, the amount of intimacy and the honesty and quality of what we share.
My girlfriend has four kids, three of whom still live at home and are in the midst of their puberty. I've chosen not to live with her (spare me the house of hormones) but we do spend a lot of time together. Again: depth, intimacy, quality... With both my partners I can be who I am, dimples as well as pimples.
I'm not saying that this kind of quality relationship is impossible in a monogamous relationship. I know people who are happy that way and are making it work for them. I'm just very lucky to have found not one, but two wonderful human beings to share love, lust and life with. For me, even contemplating chosing between them is anathema. I'm in the fortunate position that neither of them is the kind of person that would ask me to make that choice.
Rather than being in denial about some imagined desire you presume I have to have 100% of a man (or woman), I got a double helping of all the good stuff in relationship.
I think the best point anyone has made is that the author of this ridiculous and insulting piece is arrogant enough to believe he can decide for the whole world that open relationships don't really exist and if you are in one then you are in denial.
Maybe you had a bad experience where you were cheated on by someone claiming to be non-monogamous but couldn't follow basic moral guidelines like "don't cheat" and "don't lie." Or maybe you were the one practicing that non-monogamy and it didn't work out for you. Too bad. Doesn't mean you have the right to make judgments for the rest of the world on whether or not an alternative lifestyle is real or not.
Shame on you.
Mon-mon, no one made that point besides you. You did get a couple of things right though: I am arrogant. I do believe I am the end all be all decider of all things relationshippy. I am awesome.
But you did get a couple of things wrong too. The whole bad experience thing. Wrong. I've never been cheated on or been the cheat-ee. Wrong again. I also have the right to make judgements for the rest of the world on whether or not an alternative lifestyle is real or not because of the paragraph above. I am just that good.
PS for the greater good of mankind, please remove the sand from your vagina.
OK now that that one is over with this one is directed at Sunny again:
I like your reasoning. You win that round.
Richard this is for you:
You say:
As for your math... love is endless to me, and endless divided by 2 is still endless...
But anyway, it's obvious open relationships do not work for you. That's absolutely fine. But why you think you can speak for me or anyone else you don't have the faintest chance to actually know, that's a mystery to me...
I say:
You're cool. But your math is still flawed. Infinity divided by 2 is half infinity. I am glad your relationship is working out in your favor. I am sure you are getting a workout too with 2 women.
Windtraveler, you are my newest favorite bi-sexual person ever. Here's why: You know what you want and you have no problem expressing it. That's uncommon. I also think it's very cool that you stood up for your beliefs. While it still hasn't changed my mind, it opened my eyes a little and now I can honestly say, "Open relationships can work. Only with 3 people and their partners in the world though. Everyone else is still crazy.
Tim, please read up on math. Infinity divided by any finite number is still infinity, just like infinity multiplied by any finite number is still infinity.
I believe you're mistaking infinity for a number. It is not.
Tim, your reply to Mon-Mon was absolutely uncalled for. It was rude, out-of-bounds, and absolutely disgusting.
uhm... thank you, I think...
Assuming you mean me, the boyfriend and girlfriend with the three people for whom it does actually work.
I completely disagree. If you believe this you obviously haven't done your research or for that matter been in an open relationship. Like others have commented, this article is based on ALL judgments and assumptions.
Let me give you a little perspective. I've been in an open relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years since the beginning and we have never had any issues. I love this girl more then anything so it's more about seeing her happy then about promiscuity. We just realize that no matter what idiotic ideas you get from Hollywood. One person can not give you 100% of the things you need. Our current culture has evolved in a way that makes people think that being monogamous is the way things should be. Humans are not monogamous beings. Looking at divorce rates says a lot. But I mean a lot of people, most like yourself, are much more comfortable following sheep then they are accepting something new.
I could also make a point that intelligence has a lot to do with it. I'm an engineer with an MBA and also a law school student and my girlfriend is a med school student. Our relationship is based on honesty and trust. NOT promiscuity. But I mean I'm just a horny guy who's read to many hustle forums and brainwashes his girlfriend. What could I know?
Re: Horny Male
I see exactly what you mean. Law students with MBA's and girlfriends that are in med school are definitely able to make better decisions than say...oh...a graduate from the University of Texas with a degree in journalism. Your school obviously has a "Sexual Intelligence" class that you passed with flying colors.
So let's just look at it from an educational standpoint shall we? I'll use a search engine that both of us will agree is non-biased and in this case purely educational. EBSCOhost is probably one you have used in your law school. I will use the key word - Polygamy.
Searching for said keyword, the very first article I have come across is "Polygynous Marriages Linked to Higher Child Mortality. (Here's the article: International Perspectives on Sexual & Reproductive Health, Jun2009)Seems kids born in polygamous relationships are more likely to die in infancy.
So therefore, by your theory, I am smart and go to college and came across this article, it must be the end all be all.
We both know that this article...no matter what this doctor says...is pretty bogus. I am sure an open relationship won't kill a toddler. BUT since I am intelligent now, it must mean I am right!
----In conclusion, your education doesn't mean shit when it comes to this discussion. It's personal preference ass.
Expecting one person to be all things to you is to put a lot of pressure into a relationship. Why is it ok to have bowling buddies, shopping girlfriends and yet not multiple partners. My husband and I are both bi and share ourselves with carefully selected others. (just as we carefully selected each other.) We have built this on trust, communication and the strength to allow each other to fully express who we are. When you are not able to fully be you and nurture your needs in a healthy and positive way, that is the ultimate denial.
You completely avoided the just of what I said by focusing on the additional point I made about intelligence.
And you proved my point exactly. This doctor Jared Rosenburg is right. Most of the articles he's written are on sexually transmitted diseases. The more sexual partners you have the higher the chance of an STD and the more probable that a child will have problems shortly after birth.
And just in case you weren't aware. POLYAMORY and POLYGAMY are completely different. I am in a polyamorous relationship. Now let's see the first few titles when I search Polyamory on EBSCOhost:
One Big Happy Family: 18 Writers Talk about Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, Househusbandry, Single Motherhood and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love.
AIDS Relief and Moral Myopia.
WOW! They all look positive.
And I wasn't saying your education means anything when it comes to personal preference. It certainly does when it comes to TALKING about your preference as we've seen by the things you've said so far.
It might help to take what you've learned from that bullshit liberal arts degree of yours and write something intelligent for once.
Diana:
In response to your question about bowling buddies and shopping partners, it is quite alright to have friends that share common interests. I have my guy friends that I like to do guy things with. Watch football, play sports, etc. I would think even in an open relationship that you would have them too. I guess I don't understand your point. I'm guessing you said that because you feel that one partner can't do everything. To this, I will agree with you. My girlfriend doesn't like and never will skydive. I love doing it. That doesn't make me want to find another woman that does. I'm not going to pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do. I will simply go with a friend. But that is a completely different animal than having sex with someone else.
Horny Male:
I hate to admit this, but you are right. Polyamorous and Polygamy are different. One just means you have more than one wife while yours is you have more than one sexual partner in a relationship. Big difference.
The common denominator that everyone shares on your side of the argument tends to be "One person cannot give you 100 percent". Diana above me mentioned bowling buddies and shopping pals, and Sunny and WindTraveler say roughly the same things. My honest to God question is this: Where did this come from? Why do you think that? What is another partner doing that your main partner cannot?
Honest questions.
Let me clarify what your asking since it was quoted out of context-- your asking why one person cannot give you 100% of the things you need (feel you need). Why I think that? And what another partner can give you that your main one cannot.
Let's first agree that all people are different. We all have different desires, different needs, and we've had different experiences in our lifetime to form these needs. We feel and think a certain way about something based on these experiences. This being so I think that one person can AND can't give someone else 100% of what they need depending on the openness and past experiences of both people.
People that haven't opened there minds yet to newer alternatives CAN still feel like they fulfill 100% of there needs with one person. They haven't experienced anything else. As they say ignorance is bliss. A good analogy of this is when your a kid and you walk, ride your bike, and take the bus everywhere. This is what you know. Then you turn a certain age and you get a car. Since you now have a car why would you go back to what you did before. It would seem almost archaic.
As for the what question? No real man can honestly admit that he has been in a relationship and not been sexually attracted to another women at some time or another. This doesn't at all mean your not satisfied with your main partner. It's just human nature. We desire things beyond what we already have.
The questions I have for you are based on your belief that "One person can give you 100 percent of what you need"
Where did THIS come from? And why do you think that?
Honest questions. : )
Try your best to give them some thought and answer analytically.
Okay ... I was in an open relationship and my husband just left me after 13 years. You are right. AND ... you made me laugh! Thank you.
soni2006 says:
13 months ago
Thanks for answering my hub request Tim.