Over-Criticizing? Behaviors Can Change With These Tips

Preface: I want to thank all the kids I ever had in my home. Not only did they teach me a lot, they made me, overall, a better person. I am more sensitive, more indignant over injustices, more understanding, more peaceful, just....more. It's a tragedy that their tragedy, became my teacher, but we learn on a dangerous and expensive stage.

It is from that laboratory of learning, that I offer these guidelines. I hope they will help you with your own family and friends. We can't leave our relationships to chance. All throughout our life, we gain wisdom and can be a better person with those we love because of it.

(This also works with spouses, partners, friends, cousins, aunts, neices, nephews, pets...well you get the idea.) I'm just passing it on down the line.

Introduction: Over-Criticizing? Instead of criticizing, catch 'em being good! Just as praising an employee increases their production, praising children improves their behavior! When parents come to me discussing a child's misbehavior, I let them take a breath and then quickly insert "I know you're frustrated, but stop for a moment. I want you to first list all the things you can think of that your child does that is good, while we're at it, we're going to try to see if we can some things that can be handled better with humor.

Sometimes, it was very difficult for them to come up with a list. Parental criticism comes to us naturally. I'm not sure why, but we all seem to be really good at noticing what we don't like and talking about it frequently! Parents want the best for their kids, and those we love and maybe we're afraid if we don't mention each and everything that's wrong, they'll not get the benefit of our wisdom. After all, what are gray hairs good for, if you can't pass on what you've learned?

Even in marriages, or perhaps I should say especially, relationships suffer from the bondage of criticism. Good employers have found that over-criticizing employees is bad for business. Starbucks has long discussed that giving their employees a pleasant work environment and lots of praise and perks flows down to their customers and has actually increased their business. It sets us apart from others and draws positives to us.

I believe that most of the time, it's just a habit. And that's good news because it means we can change it. I am committed to the belief that changing this one behavior will move mountains of obstacles from your life. I've seen it happen! I have watched how decreasing parental criticism and increasing praise turn kids, gradually, from being irritating, unruly "monsters" to charming, seemingly caring young people.

Self Control

Self control is hard won. Yet, I found that when I controlled that seemingly basic instinct to criticize my kids, and put my energy into giving them sincere and carefully thought out positive comments, their behavior improved and the home's engine began to purr like a kitten.

I know my reaction to criticism is not pleasant. On the other hand, if you give me a sincere compliment, or mention 5 things I'm doing wonderfully, before you mention the thing that bugs you, I'll almost cook your dinner and clean your toilets. Almost.

Environment or Genetics

Many experts debate whether environment or genetics affect the way we act, and I admit I'm confused about it. Instead, I'll tell you what 250+ children have taught me. It really doesn't matter what's "Drivin' Miss Daisy" when she's yellin' in your face!

What we need to know is how to impact and change the behavior, and let the scientists argue about it's origination. As humans, we know we can change our behavior, and it's worth the struggle. But where do we begin, and how?

Self Improvement

A basic component to understanding behavior, is that people move towards pleasure and away from pain! Let that thought be the guide as you move towards change. Design your words so that they give others pleasure, and you'll soon see that your loved one will work hard for more! But, before we talk much about another person's behavior, let's take a look in the mirror. Take a look at the home environment, the way we talk to each other, and the way we act.

Let me introduce you to one of our foster teens named Kris. Kris taught me a lot about parenting. She was 14 going on 25 and one spicy, hateful-in-a-flash young woman. Wait, stop. I can hear your thoughts. "Gee, for a foster mom, she sure doesn't seem to like her children."

As I write about what we learned, you can count on me to give you the real picture of our life as parents/foster parents. Raising other people's children is not as romantic as it might sound. Our "blended family" worked well at times and at other times, we looked as though we had actually been through the blender. I will try to give you a vivid image of what came waltzing through our front door.

With each child comes their excess baggage from being injured, emotionally damaged, sexually abused, or all of the above. Most are or have been using drugs. These little people who sleep in your house, eat at your table, use your bathroom, ride in your car, and listen to you snore down the hall, are ready and armed for battle. Those elements filled our parenting-classroom way of life.

Do they need help? Yes. Are they happy to be there in the home you've opened up to them? No. They will lie to you and about you, steal from you, spit on you, scare you, intimidate you, harm your children, break your things, and did I say lie about you?

Acting Out

Just when you are recovering from one trauma they've put you through, they'll be working on the next one. You can count on them being ahead of you in the race of parent vs child almost every day. As their parent, you will need clear vision, love in your heart, and tools in your pocket.

Reality

To survive, to help them, you have to see them as they are, and not romanticize about curing these children of their ills. During a class I was teaching, I remember one new foster dad telling me that he planned on introducing his children to Christ and he was confident that would be enough. That's a noble goal. I would like to hear him today.

Know that you can do your best, but there'll be times it won't be enough. "It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it" becomes your motto, right along with "I shall survive." Foster children can be sweet and loving, but you are "NOT the mama;" they do not have the foundation your own children enjoy. Most of these children do not know God, and if they do, they are mad as they can be at Him. This is a time when your Faith, needs to be visible; save the sermons for a time when they have learned to trust you. Let what you believe be seen in all you do, because they won't be listening much to what you say. Stiffen up, all ye faithful, put on your emotional armor, and let the parenting begin.

We learned about consequences from some hard kids. These first parenting lessons for a foster parent are very awakening. Quickly, you see that you can not consequence them hard enough or take away their possessions quickly enough, to make any lasting change in their behavior. The law doesn't let you shock and awe them, of course, and it doesn't work anyway. They've "been there, done that;" that's why they're in state care. They have become loss experts.

What Can You Do?

A Story From the Front Line Of Foster Care

These kids are the real deal and I'd like to say "everything was beautiful, in its own way" like the song but I'd be lying. I'm giving it to you straight. However, even after all those kids, many of whom made little or no progress while in foster care, I remain an optimist, which illustrates just how crazy I am. Now that I've defended myself, let us proceed. (Ha)

Let's get back to Kris. Never at a loss for words, she remained a step ahead of me. Her goal in life was to make my day miserable, because then, at least, we had something in common. She pushed my buttons and with all my experience, I was still caught in her web of argument most of the time.

Somehow, I had to introduce her to happiness; to softness; to kindness; to praise; to real conversation. It was nearly impossible, because she was in my face with anger several times a day. One day, at a loss for what to say that was positive, I heard myself saying, "You know Kris, I need your help. You're really good with arguing, and I need you to help me figure out what to say to a fellow worker who has made me mad." ("Where did that come from," I thought.)

She took me seriously, sat down and said "Sure. Tell me what she did and I'll tell you just what to say to her that will shut her mouth." I said, "OK, but let's make this interesting." I was thinking fast. "I want you to write all your comments down, so I can rehearse them later, of course. And, I will pay you one dollar per page. Plus, every time you include the phrase of 'I did not like what happened because...' I will pay you a quarter, up to 4. Then, if you leave out the word "hate," I'll give you a bonus of another dollar." I could tell this was going to be expensive.

Kris' eyes were gleaming. She smacked her lips and said, "Hmph! This is going to be easy! I'll be back in 5 minutes." Actually it was 4 hours. She was creating a master piece of insults. We had found her island of expertise. She became so good at "sounding off" on paper, that other kids in the home wanted her to write "tell offs" for them as well. We had created a monster.

Kris struggled to leave out the "hate" word and put in the "I" messages, but she stuck to it. She was making pretty good money at this little venture. I, on the other hand, was challenged to come up with a few more rules. None of her writings could actually be sent to anyone. Yet, we could tell she needed to do something with them, so we decided to have occasional family meetings where she was given the stage to perform her art. She would read with pleasure and great drama the responses she had written for every event imaginable. Oh, she was proud.

Creative Parenting

This tactic may seem bizarre, but can you see what happened? By sheer accident and desperation, we hit upon something that became an avenue through which she could spew her "venom" against all that life had dealt her.

Instead of getting time out for spouting off, she was allowed to put it all on paper. She began to say, very angrily at times, "Humph! You're really going to get it! You just wait 'til you read the next one!" In came another rule. If she was angry at anyone in the house, she could not use her stage at the family meeting to read that writing. It had to be given to a parent, and we would decide if it stopped there, which it normally did. Kris didn't like all the rules and there were some flaws with this strategy but we worked them out as they came up. Expecting perfection with your consequences will stifle creativity and you never know where the path leads if you don't take the first few steps. We changed things as we went along.

You would think that this might spill over onto the other kids, but most didn't want to do all the handwriting. They were too busy with their games and friends. For them, the new soon wore off. For Kris, she had found her game.

While it didn't turn her into a completely pleasant person, and there were many times I'd have to stop her verbal tirade and prompt her to put it on paper, it did serve to keep her occupied and engaged. She discovered that sometimes just writing it down was enough. Her performances on stage began to dwindle as others in the family became less enthused with her drama.

With all consequences, after a period of time, you have to figure out a new one, but that's the life of a parent. Kris learned that constantly criticizing and complaining resulted in few friends and a lonely life. As she softened her approach, she would sometimes whisper to me in a group, "Humph! This chic is giving me a lot to write about tonight!" Then, she would give me a conspirator wink, like we were linked in crime.

We all learned a lot from her, so there will be many other stories about Kris.

Finding yourself frequently criticizing those you love? Why not give it a rest. See what happens. I bet you'll be surprised that the path to what you wanted, was right under your nose.

While kids in care, even our own teenagers, often don't want to hear religious talks, we can show them a happier way to live by our own example. Living happily, shows much more than we could ever say.