If you have tried overcoming anxiety and panic attacks and have not been successful, you should read my story. I have overcame anxiety and panic attacks. It all began a year ago. My whole life was turned upside down. I was a normal 33-year-old woman with a nice home and two loving children. I am just your average nobody with big dreams waiting to be crushed. I have always been very creative. I write songs and poetry, I play guitar, keyboard and drums, and can sing very well. I have made demos and was offered a few opportunities in Nashville. However, I turned that down to live a normal life for my children. I have a seven year old and a thirteen-year-old daughter.

I suppose I have always been under a great deal of stress, but I did not realize the extent it was taking on my body and mind. I have always been the perfectionist type. My careers have always been management positions. I worked sixty plus hours a week and every minute I was there I was sure to give 110 percent. At home I was not much different. I wanted things to be perfect always. The house had to be immaculate; everything had to be in its place. If I started a project, such as painting a room, I would not stop until it was finished. It did not matter if it was two in the morning, it had to be completed.

I worried all of the time about things most people take no mind. Such as, an airplane may crash on my house, or we would fall under attack by terrorist, or a comet may fall on my house.. If you can name it, I worried about it. I worried a lot about my children. Not like a normal mother worry, but an OCD worry. My daughter could hardly ride her bike because I was so overprotective. I feared everyday that there would be a school shooting. If I was at work and the weather got bad, I would freak out and have to leave and pick up my children from school. As you can imagine, this was not good when you are the Store Manager of a business. We live on the lake and summers were hard for me. I would always fear that one of my children would drown each summer. So, you get the point, I was a chronic worrier.

On the note of being a perfectionist, I was also an overachiever. I went back to college to become a RN. I had to have a 4.0 GPA the whole time I was in school. I studied from the time I woke up until I crashed at night. I did not like to be critiqued on any of my homework at clinical s. However, I stressed myself out so much that I withdrew after the first year with a 4.0 GPA maintained. A year later I decided to go back to school to become a teacher and that is when all of this began.

I was getting ready for the semester of college. Financially, a little stressed out because we had to pay $800 for my tuition. Furthermore, the ceiling in my bedroom fell out from a major leak at this time. It cost $9000 to be fixed and took quite some time. This was my breaking point. I started to notice that I was dizzy all of the time. I would walk outside and things started to look strange. I would be at the store shopping with my children and the lights seemed to be too much. I would get really dizzy and think I was going to pass out. I would tell the children we had to leave. We would get home and I would just forget about the episode.

On August the 18^th, (I remember the day that changed my life) I had waited on my book to arrive from the order I placed on Amazon for $5.00. However it had not come yet and I had already attended one math class without a book. Being the perfectionist that I was, I could not study without a book and I had to have one now. What if the other one never came? With that in mine, I raced to the bookstore at the college and decided to spend $200.00 (that I could not afford to spend at this time) for a math book.

On the ride there I began to get really dizzy. I thought maybe I had diabetes. I would go to the doctor someday and get it checked if I had health insurance. Upon arriving at the college, the line was really long. It looked like an hour wait. I noticed my sister in law was there so I joined her in the line. I began to tell her about how I had been getting dizzy and was concerned for my health. At that moment, I broke out into a sweat, could not stand up, and had tunnel vision. I insisted that she call my husband to come and get me because I knew I was going into a diabetic coma. When my husband arrived, I was so terrified that I would not make it to the car. I knew I was going to die! I got into the car and we headed to check the kids out of school and then to take me to the doctor. I told him first to stop at Dairy Queen and get me a milkshake to raise my sugar.

The ride to the school was terrifying for me as I laid in the back seat knowing I would die before we got to the doctor’s office. I waited in the car as my husband checked the kids out. When we arrived at the doctor’s office it was so hard for me to wait, everything looked funny, and sounded strange. I wondered why the doctor was letting me sit in the waiting room to die. Finally, they called me back to the next waiting room. We waited there forever. It was excruciating agony! Then, I went into a room. It took about 30 minutes and the Doctor finally came in. He said, “I am going to send you down to the lab for some blood work.” The lab was just down the hall, but it was so terrifying. I got my number and sat down. I was dying in the lab. I was pouring sweat, tunnel vision, I knew I was about to be in a diabetic coma. The blood work was finished and I returned to the room. The doctor shortly returned and said the words that changed my life. “I think you have anxiety.” “Anxiety!” I replied. “This can’t be just anxiety. Are you saying it is all in my head?” I asked the doctor. He responded with, “A lot of people have this. It is very common.” Then he wrote me a prescription for Lexapro and Clonzapam and sent me on my way.

We left the Doctor’s office and headed to Wal-Mart to fill my prescriptions. In Wal-Mart I had another episode (sweating, tunnel vision, sensitive to noise) so I went to the car. I was terrified, even in the car. As soon as I got home I took my meds and went to bed.

Life resumed back to normal for about two weeks. I carried the kids to school, went to class, came home to study, and cooked supper everyday. Then, one day in math class, I started experiencing the sweating and dizziness again. I wanted to run out of that class, but I managed to sit through it. I did not understand. I was taking my medications and was still having anxiety. The next day I had to go to class, which was thirty minutes from my home. On the way, in the car, driving down the road, it started again. I began to get dizzy, started pouring sweat, my legs were shaking. I told myself, “If you can just make it to a store and get something to raise your blood sugar, you will be alright.” I had convinced myself that the doctor missed it; I was having a blood sugar problem. I made it to the store and drug myself in. I got something to eat and headed on towards class. However, the anxiety came back stronger than before. Luckily, I had a friend that lived nearby so I went to her house. She told me to lay down and maybe I would feel better. She was right, I took a nap and when I woke up, I felt much better. She was a diabetic and told me that if her sugar drops she eats jellybeans and drinks orange juice. So, on the way home, I bought some jellybeans and orange juice for the next time my sugar dropped.

I felt horrible that I had missed class and I emailed the professor. He sent me some notes that I had misses for the day. I studied all afternoon and went to bed for my next day’s math class. I made it fine through the next day. However, the following day, at the same place, going to the same class, I had another attack. Again, I went to my friends’ house and took a nap. This time though, I was unable to drive home. I tried to but when I got to the spot that I had my attack, I would start to have another one. I had to call my husband to come and get me. He was upset that I could not even drive my car home or go to the class that I had paid so much money for. He made me feel worse than I already felt about something I had no control over.

I decided to withdraw for college until I could figure out what was happening to me. I started researching anxiety online. I learned that I was having Panic Attacks. Stress can trigger these. Then, I started researching the medications I was on. I was terrified of all of the side effects. I started to have more and more panic attacks. I read that people with panic attacks become agoraphobic. I tried to take the kids to school one morning and could not make it. I had a panic attack and had to go back home. This was the last time I would drive a car again. Then, I became agoraphobic. I could not even walk to the mailbox without freaking out. I was afraid I would have a panic attack and would not make it back to the house. I was even afraid of being left alone. I was terrified that I would have a panic attack and die.

I did have a panic attack when I was alone. My heart was racing for hours. Everything did not seem real. I called my father and got him to take me to the mental health place. They told me there that if my chest was hurting I needed to go to the hospital. Instead of that, I went to my father’s house for a while. He researched the meds that I was talking and found that they could cause psychosis and panic attacks. I decided to stop taking them. Big mistake! My doctor did not warn me about the withdrawals from quitting these type meds. The next day, my heart was pounding for hours again. At 12:00 PM, I made my husband rush me to the emergency room because I was sure that I was dying of a heart attack. He took me, but was not happy because we had to drag the kids out and I did not have any health insurance.

When I walked into the ER and said chest pain, I got first class treatment; a wheelchair straight back to the EKG machine. Although I was terrified that I was having a heart attack, I was relieved to be at a hospital where they would make me better. I spent four hours there and the doctor gave me her diagnosis. “You are having an anxiety attack.” I began to cry and explained to her how my husband was going to be upset and I did not have any health insurance. She gave me a shot of Ativan and sent me home.

The Ativan worked well and helped me sleep. I got a friend to drive me to the doctor the next day. I told him that the attacks were getting worse. I explained that I had quit taking the Lexapro and the Clonazapam because they made me worse. I told him that the Ativan given to me in the ER really helped. My friend told him that she took Zoloft and it helped her. She was a lot heavier that I am. He asked her, “what dose do you take?” She said 50 mg a day. He said, “I will write you a prescription for Zoloft 50 mg and Ativan.” Following that, I was off to Wal-Mart to fill my prescription (that I could not afford).

I took the Zoloft for three nights. I would have this insane burning sensation in my head. I was suffering terribly with insomnia. I would research the meds and anxiety all night on the Internet. I stopped the Zoloft because of fear of worsening side effects. However, I continued to take the Ativan once a day. It really helped. I was able to go out more without having the panic attacks. Then, I started to notice that I took the Ativan at 7am, but, by 3pm I felt as if I could jump out of my skin. I still had the brain burning and started feeling panicky. I researched the Ativan and discovered that it has a short half-life and you will withdraw form it and need higher doses. I also learned that you had to taper off of this drug very carefully. It was not a nice drug. I read that if you taper off of it and switch to Valium you would be ok. With that, I decided to go back to the doctor the next day.

The doctor came in and out of my room. The whole process took five whole minutes. I told him that I was worried about the Ativan and wanted to switch to Valium. Walla, here you go; another prescription. I went to Wal-Mart and filled the Valium. I knew I was about to taper off the Valium and be done with this medication nightmare for good.

The worst part of all of this is that I lost the ability to connect with my children. I could barely communicate with them. My oldest daughter was on the volleyball team and I could not go to any of her games because I was afraid I would freak out and have a panic attack. She had an event at the church that Mother and daughter needed to attend. I went but did not feel like I was there. She had decided to get a purity ring and make a commitment to remain pure until marriage. I was so proud but could not show it. We had to exchange a teacup and I did not even have one to give her. I felt so disconnected. Before the service for the girls they had a church service. I went to the alter and poured out my heart begging God for help. The church people were all looking at me like I was crazy, but I did not care. I needed God and I know he heard my humble cry.

What the doctor did not warn me about are the withdrawals I was about to go through from quitting the Ativan cold turkey. I called many pharmacists and asked them if I would suffer from withdrawals from this switch and they said no. They were wrong! I started to become very detached from reality. I was getting dehydrated. I could not eat, sleep or sit still. My husband said I looked like rain man. I would pace and pace; walk and walk all about the house. I could see my family there but I could not interact with them. I could not do anything. At this point I decided to file for disability.

I took numerous trips to the hospital only to be told things such as, “it’s like the sky is falling, but really it is not.” “There is nothing wrong with you.” Oh yes, did I mention that I lost 30 pounds in one month. I was not on a diet. I suppose this is normal also. I also suppose that it is normal to be dehydrated all the time even though you always drink. Each time I went to the ER, I was dehydrated. They would run a bag of fluids and send me home.

I suppose you are wondering how I paid for all of these ER trips. Well, the one good thing I can say about the hospital is that the had a program there called med assist that helped me to pay these bills. They also helped for me to get approved for my disability (I think.) This is where my faith starts to come in. I believe that God was looking out for me and sent that blessing. Through all of this I have really started seeking God and he has helped me deal with it. For instance, in the midst of all of my panic, my husband ran into an old friend of ours. He told her about what I was going through and she said, “I went through that.” I have this program that she can use to help.” She sent me the Lucinda Bassett Attacking Anxiety and Depression series. This was a $500.00 program that I could not afford; this was a godsend! It helped me a lot to understand what I was going through. I would recommend it to anyone who suffers anxiety or depression.

I was using my program, going to church and trying hard to overcome this. However, something about the Valium was not working right. I started to feel like a zombie. It took all I had to walk through the house. I went back to the ER and found out I was dehydrated again. They gave me another bag of fluids and sent me on my way. The next day I went to a different doctor. I had also started having stomach problems. This pain in my stomach would not go away. The doctor said it was GERD and gave me Previcid and put me on Cymbalta. I took both medications along with the Valium the next day. My blood pressure shot up. I felt like I could run to another State. I was high or something. I went to the ER again. They said I was dehydrated, ran a bag of fluids and sent me home. I am beginning to realize at this point that if you do not have health insurance, you will not be treated.

I went home and stayed up all night. I called the mental health worker that was on call. He informed me on how to relax, sit in a chair and rub my eyes. Yeah right! I felt like my head was on fire and I was dying. I called many mental health institutions in the middle of the night begging for help. They all said if I did not have insurance, they could not help me.

The next morning at 6 am, I got in the car and DROVE MYSELF to the ER. This was the first time I had driven in awhile. However, I was desperate for help. I was not about to awake my husband and listen to him criticize me for going back to the hospital. When I got there I was so out of it. The doctor was talking to me but I could not hear what he was saying. I was just crying uncontrollably. I told him that if he could not help me, send me somewhere where they could. He ran some tests and gave me some Ativan and some other drug that knocked me completely out for hours. The mental health worker came and said she was sending me to a institution for help. “Thank you Lord,” I thought. Finally, I was going to get some help. I lay there for about eight hours. I had called my husband earlier and told him where I was and he came to see me before I left. They would not let him carry me there, so they sent me by ambulance. I did not care. I just wanted help.

When I got there, I had to go through the admission process. Give me your shoestrings, no sharp objects; a lot of rules that I really didn’t hear because the ER doctor had me so drugged up. I was starved because it was 9 pm and I had not had anything to eat. They gave me some food and showed me my room. I went straight to bed awaiting my miracle.

The next morning we went to breakfast early and then I just wondered around pacing the halls awaiting what was to come next. There were many people in there suffering. Most were there for depression but some were there for alcohol detox and drug detox. They stated my medication regimen. The Psychiatrist decided to put me on Seroquel, Paxil, and Clonazapam. The first few days I could not even see straight. The rooms were blurry and I could hardly walk without bumping into stuff. However, he cut my meds in half and things started to get better. I was starting to function normally again. I started attending group sessions, going to any activity offered, and began socializing with other people with the same problems. I went home after 7 days.

When I got home it took a few months for me to really get back to "normal". I had to come off of the Seroquel because it made me feel like a Zombie, but the other medications are working great! I made sure I ate 3 meals a day. I continued with no caffeine and no sugar. Each morning I went for a walk and consumed sunshine. I made myself go shopping and finally I began to dive again. Now, I feel like myself except I am better. I do not worry excessively, I do not take life for granted, and I play with my children more. I am hoping that soon I can taper completely off of the meds and still be "normal."

If you are suffering with anxiety, panic disorder or depression, do not give up. You can overcome this. It is not easy but you can do it. First, make sure to find you a good support system. Your friends and family will help you the most. Do not research the web all the time about panic attacks. This will increase your anxiety. If you can afford it, I would recommend the Lucinda Basset's Attacking Anxiety and Depression program. When you have an anxiety attack, deep breath, relax, tell yourself that it is only anxiety, you will not die and it will pass. Eventually, they will go away You are the one creating your panic by your own fear. You may have to be on meds for a short while. Don't be afraid of them, it may take some trial and error, but when you find the combination that works, it will be worth it.

Good Luck and I know you can overcome this. I did.