PANIC ATTACKS: FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WOULD DIE AND THEN I WAS AFRAID I WOULDN'T

This is my story, I have no solutions and no medical advice. I write in hope that I can reach out to someone who may have had a similar journey. It is just my thoughts, my ramblings.

I can still remember the first real panic attack I had so clearly. My husband, daughter (age 4 at the time) and I were on a vacation driving from Wisconsin to visit Disneyworld in Florida. We had a nice trip with very few problems on the way there. I can still see my daughters little face when we got to the hotel in Florida, she was so excited. Well so was I, Disneyworld is an incredible place. Everything was fine and as we were seated on a ride to go back in time and see dinosaurs I felt this weird unholy feeling in my stomach. I began to sweat and it felt hard to breath, it seemed like everything in the room was echoing, my legs felt weak and I thought I might pee in my pants. Something inside of me wanted to crawl out through my stomach. I looked around and no one was staring at me so I guess I hiding it pretty well. As the ride began I looked back at the exits and realized it was my last chance to make a run for it. But I didn't, I endured it. I mean it was actually physically painful but I wasn't going to spoil this for my daughter or my husband. How would I explain this anyway "Oh by the way I think I have a monster in my stomach that is trying to get out but not to worry". It went like that for the rest of the trip, most of the time I was fine until we got into any situation that I couldn't just get up and walk away from. We went home and I never told my husband again not knowing how to and being afraid I was loosing my mind.

When we got home I started noticing it more and more especially when I was driving, the stop lights were murder. I thought I would die before they turned green again. I had to keep moving and be in control. The check out line at the grocery store was another nightmare. Still I told no one. We lived in a nice neighborhood with a playground and baseball diamond within walking distance. I began to notice that the farther I got away from my house when I could no longer see my house, the panic would set in. When I think back I don't know how many time I rushed my daughter back home just because I couldn't stand it anymore. I finally consulted my doctor. I got up the courage and explained it to him thinking he would have me committed. I was crying and he said and this is the truth, he said" oh you are just describing lactose intolerance it can make your stomach hurt, there is milk in so many things, even bread". Oh my God a solution I wasn't crazy it was lactose intolerance. That was the reason that it took me 2 hours to get to his office which is only 20 minutes away. I had to stop and go home 3 times before I got up the courage to come but now I will be ok it is "lactose intolerence". I am sure you can guess that the problem continued and now since even my doctor couldn't understand what I was trying to explain I would have to learn to live with it. I became an expert at hiding my expressions, I could be in the middle of a full attack and no one would know because I hid it so well. I also ended up with ulcers.

As time went on I found ways to avoid things and get around it and live with it. About that time my husband got a job transfer to Michigan. That was terrifying but what isn't with me. For some reason I cannot explain as we began the move, found a house and settled into our new life I had fewer attacks. Great I guess it was just Wisconsin, I mean truly for the next few years I rarely had the problem. I chalked it up to some chemical imbalance. We took many trips home and even another trip to Florida, although this time I avoided most of the rides for fear of an attack but we still had fun.

My daughter is in 5th grade now, for the first years of her school life I served as president of the parent's club and worked in her lunch room. Unreal I was ok and then the MONSTER returned.

We had switched my daughter out of the Catholic school to public mainly because it was just so expensive but also we weren't happy with the too old nun she had for 4th grade. She was unhappy so we moved to public school. Her first year in 5th grade went fine, she doesn't like school in general so it had its ups and downs. I was working at a video rental store part time and my husband worked for Ford. My husband has many health problems associated with diabetes which were starting to make him ill frequently. He was also travelling a lot for his job. Middle school came upon us and so did my MONSTER. I have no idea where it came from but I started a new job working at the school lunch program, the video store kept me out too late at night, this would be better. I am driving to my school job and there it is OUT OF NOWHERE my stomach MONSTER  was back, I was in traffic and all I wanted to do was drive my car into a tree. This went on day after day and got worse and worse. I would pray for an accident so they would have to take me to the hospital and maybe someone would understand. Now it was becoming harder and harder to leave the house at all. I had a regular appointment with my doctor, Dr. Christian McTurk, my saint. He came in and said how are you doing and I let loose, sobbing and once again tried to explain. He got me a kleenex box and said you explained it perfectly, you are having a panic attack! WHAT????At that time I had not heard or read much or anything about this. We talked, he was very kind, patient and understanding. Now here is where there will be many difference of opinions. He put me on Prozac and also some Valium. I left the office feeling like there might be an end to this. I went home and that night finally broke down and told my husband. I am not sure he completely understood but he was comforting.

It didn't stop the attacks but at least I was out of the closet so to speak. Actually for the next few months they got much worse, I could not leave my house at all for almost 6 weeks. I always thought it was because now that everyone knew I couldn't keep it inside and control it, now the MONSTER was out and I would have to learn to live with it in a new way. It was hard on my daughter I would have to call friends to take her places and if she missed the bus it was a nightmare. I started the prozac and about 4 weeks later I tried to venture out in my car, I could only drive around our subdivision and even that was hard. I couldn't leave the sub, the attacks were too painful. For the next 2 weeks I kept trying and finally made it to the grocery store and every day tried to go a little farther. I did go to a therapist which I didn't care for. I was uncomfortable talking about myself and she would continually talk about her other patients that she cured but never offered me any solutions. I gave up when she got upset that I was late for appointments. She was treating me at the time for agoraphobia and knew how hard it was for me to come there and how many times I stopped and turned around but she was mad when I was late, instead of praising me for actually making it to the office at all. The only good thing I did learn from her was how to blow up a balloon to get through an attack. I would picture myself blowing up a balloon , first filling up my lungs and then blowing it all out. It did sometimes help. What she didn't help me with was how to go into the burning buildings like the grocery store. I mean in my mind this place is danger and everyone is just walking in like its nothing, I guess I will have to also, but I still felt the burning. I gave up on her and began to trust myself and I prayed a lot. I did find comfort in prayer.

It took at least 3 months before I was comfortable leaving the house. During this time I also broke down and told my family in Wisconsin. I was informed that my Dad(who had passed away) was bipolar and had many emotional problems. Was it hereditary? My Dad was an alcholic as were 2 of my brothers all of them have died. My Dad was in his 70's, my brothers much younger both died from illness directly related to alcoholism. Now I wonder if maybe they had the same problem but chose to drown it in a bottle rather than admit it ? I will never know. My life did improve slowly I did go back to work eventually. For many years I lived in fear of having an attack . I hadn't had one in a long time but I still feared the attack and sometimes that made me avoid things. I remain on the prozac but I am not here to preach about that, I don't even no if I need it but I am afraid to be without it since I haven't had a real attack in over 10 years. I feel strong now but I have no answers, what made them start and what made them go away??? I am very sympathetic to people with emotional disorders and I hope I never see the MONSTER again. But at least now I can talk about it , I have a doctor that understands and my family understands. I hope my daughter never goes through this but I will be there for her if she does.

So hear are my final thoughts and advice. If you have this problem find someone to talk to , if your doctor doesn't get it find another. If a therapist doesn't help, find another. Pray, pray, pray pray, it certainly can't hurt and it did comfort me. Don't be afraid to tell people I began to discover that more people than I realized had some experience with it and the more people that understand the less frightening it is . You must let yourself reach out, you are not insane and you will get through it no matter how painful it is you will survive . There is some truth to the saying "That which doesnt kill us makes us stronger". I am a very strong person now, I have changed. Yes I know I am still on Prozac, but that works for me, find something that works for you. My doctor has never suggested that I stop taking it and I trust him but it doesn't mean it will work for you. Find what does and don't give up until you do. There are resources out there, use them! I wish you all peace thanks for reading my rantings. Please share if you can.