I had a bad night last night, as I sometimes do. These nights where something triggered my PTSD and I couldn’t sleep. My throat chokes up and I can’t cry. I was trained not to cry by my fathers culture, it’s a sure way to let the enemy know where you’re at. I let my kids cry if they need to, when they need to, the Calvary isn’t going to attack us in this day and age. I’m not sure what set it off last night, I was walking down the hall of my building back to our suite when the hairs on my body stood on end, you know the old fight or flight syndrome.

I’ve gotten pretty good at figuring out what my triggers are and can usually control my reactions. There have been a couple of times I’ve woken up in full fighting stance ready to beat the Holy Heck out of who ever woke me. Thank the gods it’s never been my kids. I had a room mate jump back a mile once, and she was a cop,  she knew what was happening and calmed me down immediately.

I have PTSD because of the attack on me by my own husband. PTSD is caused by the sudden emotional shock of a frightening, usually near death experience. There are thousands of women, and children, in this country suffering from it because of the man that promised to Love, Honor, and Cherish them. I went to group therapy at a Woman’s Domestic Violence Shelter for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was a long process that taught me a great deal on how to help myself and my children recover from the attack.

Yes, I said my children. They are suffering from PTSD because they witnessed the attack of their own mother perpetrated by their own father. The man they thought was there to take care of, and protect, them, and their family. My then four year old reverted to bed wetting, and night terrors. My six year old decided to grow up and be a cop so he could arrest his own Dad.

One of the problems is that he is still stalking us. His current wife sent a message to me through one of my daughters warning me. We have spent all of these years running from one State to another until we finally made it home. He eventually found us every where we've lived. This time I'm not hiding! If I'm going to die then I'm going to die at home in Alaska where he will be caught and he will go to prison for life.,

The permanent restraining order that I received from the judge also keeps him from any contact with our children, but they still live in fear. A fear that I have to deal with every time they see a couple arguing in public, a fear that I have to deal with every time they hear a police, or ambulance, siren. A fear I have to deal with every time they hear a man holler at another human being.

They almost lost their mother, they did lose their father that day, and we lost everything we owned just to get away from him. They lost their home, their way of life, their friends, their school mates, their neighborhood chums, half of thier family, and their innocence. Now everyone is suspect, especially if they’re male, and adult. In their minds anyone could be a threat. Now top that off with the fact that they both already have Asperger’s Syndrome and you have a highly volatile mix in itself.

I don’t date. The only men allowed to come around the house are my oldest son, and my nephew. They also see and hang out with their brother in law once in awhile. Because I believe that they need a male presence in their lives, but outside of my own family members I don’t trust anyone near my kids.

I was just beginning to trust myself as a full human being again when my sons so called school counselor threw him to the floor and pinned him there, with his knee in his back, and held his hands behind him, like a cop does to a suspect he’s just caught. What was my sons crime? He’s a little boy with Asperger’s Syndrome and he was in melt down.

It got to the point that I was seriously considering moving way the heck out into the bush, where there are no people, to bother us, and my kids can live in peace with out fear. I talked myself out of it. They need to learn how to handle being around other people without fear and panic. Besides there are no police out there if thier Dad ever breaks the restaining order again. I'd have no way to get help fast enough.

The only thing I have left is these two boys now ten and twelve we're stll learning to live as best as we can. Learning to live without fear and suspicion. Learning how to trust again.