Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) - What is it?

PAS is a form of child abuse fueled by the war between ex-spouses. It is any attempt by one parent to alienate a child from the other. This includes blocking or interfering with visitation or any other form of contact, false allegations of abuse and ex-bashing. As their parent, the symptoms of this will be obvious to you. Your children may start withdrawing from you or showing fear towards you. They may also start "recalling" past memories that are not true - a direct result of parental brainwashing. The good relationship you had with them is slowly being eroded by a nasty ex who wants to hurt you and use your children as the pawn in this game. Your innocent children are being victimized.

"My ex has turned my children against me. What can I do??"

Educate yourself. Learn as much as you can about Parental Alienation. This syndrome is hard to prove and not fully recognized in the family court system. In a court case, you will require vast amounts of evidence, a wise lawyer and an educated, sympathetic judge in order to to reveal the gory details of parental alienation. A children's lawyer, appointed by the court, will usually be added to the mix. Her role is to assess the children and try to get to the bottom of the issues. This lawyer too must be unbias and well-versed in this syndrome. As you can see, a win in this type of case is not easy but it can be done. Many believe that parental alienation can only be resolved in a family court - not true. There are other options. The story below shows how family mediation can play a role.

Their story started nearly 8 years ago. Evidence of PAS was apparent shortly after the separation and escalated post-divorce. The brainwashing was the most prevalent form of PAS. For 8 long, heart-breaking years the children were emotionally kidnapped, held hostage by a person they called Mom.

Initially, the abuse started off on a small scale: phone messages not being given to the children, birthday cards mysteriously "missing" in the mail, presents tossed in the garbage when they weren't watching. Then came visitation interference. The children would not be ready when their father arrived, leaving him waiting at the curb for nearly an hour before they were allowed to leave their mother's care. At times they would never appear regardless of how long he waited. Little did he know they had been shuttled off the night before to a sleepover and at times, even out of the city to stay with family or friends. Many times bribery was at play. Refusing to participate in visitation was rewarded with trips to the pool, the park, or better yet, McDonalds.

When it was revealed that the father had started a new family with another woman, the abuse quickly progressed to storytelling: daily family sit downs where Mom would recount horrific stories about their lives with Dad before he left. They were asked to engage in these discussions and recall their own memories of abuse. Failure to "visualize" such events would result in guilt-trips, grounding or physical punishment. To adapt to these demands, the children would concede and turned to their imagination. They dramatically crafted stories of their own childhood beatings and of being witness to their mother falling prey to their vicious, hate-filled father. They were forced to write a journal as their parent dicated to them, word for word, the details of these events. Unbeknowst to the children, this journal was regularly shared with friends, family members, fellow church-goers, teachers..

In time, the false allegations moved from past to present. Repeatedly, their father was accused of child abuse. He continously had to defend himself to children's aid workers and family court judges. His personal life was picked apart, his relationships suffered and his legal bills soared high.

The abuser then shifted focus. The new target: The stepmother. The children were told she was a homewrecker, a whore, an evil woman. They were "advised" that any new children were not to be considered family. They were spawns of the devil and should be treated as such. Anonymous letters were written to her employer with allegations of office misconduct ranging from co-worker affairs to office theft. Income tax officers would call stating they had received tax fraud allegations by a concerned citizen and as a result, were performing an audit. Letters would arrive in her mailbox - all unsigned, all containing insults, accusations and veiled threats.

During this time, the children continued to be victimized. At night, when most children were drifting off to pleasant dreams, they were not. Their bed time rituals were always the same: She would wrap her arms around their little bodies and assure them that no further harm would come their way. They were safe. Then she would tuck them into bed and whisper: " Daddy doesn't pay child support, Daddy is a bad man, Daddy doesn't love you.." followed by her sweet kiss.

Did this father save his children? Did he salvage the most precious gift of all - the relationship between a parent and child? Yes he did.

Actions speak louder than words.

He never strayed from his order. He paid his support and enforced his visitation. He took many issues to court and each time the judge would shake his head in disgust, caution his ex to watch her step and then dismiss the motion. His heart ached and the depression at times became overwhelming but he didn't give in. He didn't walk away.

He never removed himself from his children's lives. He was present for every parent/teacher interview, softball game and school play. He was always prompt for visitation, even on the days he knew she had worked her magic and they would not be coming out to greet him. His loyalty and unending perserverance never faltered. Not once did he succumb and alienate in return. And one glorious fall day, victory finally did arrive. His love and support had won. His relationship with his children had outlasted the years of emotional abuse. The children were ready to stand on their own two feet and as they entered their pre-teen years a surprise was in store. They had a shockering discovery - they realized they had a voice. And boy, did they roar. Their first request: A change of custody.

Instead of immediately proceeding to court, this father requested the case be brought before a family mediator. The narcissistic ex-wife, confident of her position and eager for an audience, agreed. Little did they know that divine intervention was at work in the heavens. The social worker assigned to the proceedings changed all of their lives forever.

The mediation sessions commenced with individual interviews and ended with round-table family sessions. The social worker listened intently to each one of the parties involved. As the stories unfolded, it became clear to her that yes, the children had been abused.. but not by their father. Highly experienced with parental alienation syndrome, the social worker easily manoeuvered through the sessions providing the mother with what she craved the most: narcissistic supply. It was just enough rope ; the mother hung herself. She let her guard down. So extremely proud of her actions, she admitted to all the wrongdoing. In her mind, this behavior was justified. The self-centered, abusive monster shone through with just a little prodding. And that, my friends, sealed the deal.

The social worker provided the parents with her report several days later - full custody for the father. A copy was forwarded to the family court judge. The ex caved before it proceeded to trial.

In Summary

This story was based on real-life events. I realize that not all cases end like this but you must never give up hope. Remain diligent! The world works in mysterious ways. There are guardian angels everywhere.