I don't get a chance to read a lot of magazines. I have two small children. I don't get a chance to do a lot of things. Usually the magazine exposure goes down in the hair salon or the ob/gyn office. This week, I was lucky enough to go to both places so I had the pleasure of being exposed to the reading material these places think we women should be reading. Immediately I see the first cover..."Get your child's brain to increase in size over night!" "Tricks to make that kid the Einstein you really wanted". My foot starts tapping. "How to make your little one the next Picasso!" My breathing gets labored. How about this..."SMILE LADIES!!! Your attitude affects your children's health and if you're not happy...they'll DIE". My heart beats just a little too fast. And this..."Six ways to make your man stay true to you...lose that baby weight now!!" The bile rises in my throat. And then...like a bad horror movie, I open the magazine even though I should just walk away...The page I open is an ad of a woman. The woman is seated behind a desk in a business suit. She is smiling from ear to ear with an almost giddy look on her face. The woman also happens to have BOTH breasts peeping out from under her Armani blouse HOOKED INTO A DOUBLE BREAST PUMP. "Multi tasking: what you need to know about using your time efficiently". The look of horror that spreads across my face cannot be controlled. The woman next to me stares. If any of you have actually used a breast pump, then you know, there isn't any giddy smiling going on. No, there isn't even any mild amusement. The first time I ever used a breast pump I screeched like a cat under a tire and then started laughing hysterically out of the sheer horror of it all. Cool your jets La Leche gals...you know it's true.

Obviously the myth that women should be everything to everyone lives on. The idea that not only should we do it, but we should do it with a smile is rampant. I talk to women all the time. I AM a woman. I know what's going on. Lets be real for a minute shall we? Do you ever see "man magazines" talking about how to make a million dollars, be the best dad, best cook, make your wife have multiple orgasms and still have time to mow the lawn? NO YOU DON'T. You never will either. Different set of rules. Women everywhere are trying to meet impossible expectations. They believe on some level that they must, and should, and will, be the best at everything. I don't think it is doing anything but creating legions of neurotic mothers with nervous children twitching along behind them.

People actually buy the hype in these articles and try like hell to make their kid a "Little Einstein". Well, guess what? If your kids IQ is nothing more than average, that is what he/she will be. Is that really so bad? If your kid isn't artistic, all the arts and crafts will not make him/her Picasso. My mother LOVED art. She tried like hell with me and I still can't draw a damn circle. I am what I am. The kids are what they are too. By all means cultivate interests, explore and enrich talents, but please, please let a kid be what they are. To demand things that they can't deliver will make them crazy and you'll go bananas too. How about just meeting the kid where they are within themselves and getting to know them right there. How about that? And how about a little honesty for these women? Truth be told, it's hard to smile after a long day with children. Children are beautiful creatures that should be revered. They are also exhausting, demanding little bundles of wants and needs. There are no breaks for mom. Try keeping that smile on your face after 10 hours of constant negotiations. How about every time mom tries to use the bathroom there are children screeching and clawing at the door. You eat standing up or running, if you get to eat at all. Even the most patient will waver in these circumstances. The articles never tell you that part. Mothers have the almost impossible job of making these tiny humans productive members of society. All this with little or no help from the society that waits for the finished product.

The mothering tips offered from these sources often lack a critical element. That element they lack is humanity. They are ideas for automatons, not real people. They offer judgment without insight. They breed frustration for those real mothers out there. Those real mothers that know you can love and protect your children with the ferocity of a lioness, and still screw up royally one day without the hounds of hell descending upon you. I'm certainly not saying don't do everything you can for your child. You should make every effort to give these precious beings all you can. What I am saying is, be human. Toss the guidebooks. Ignore the bullshit. Play. Let yourself off the hook. It's ok to get mad. It's ok to get tired. It's ok to cry. It's ok to not enjoy your job of being a mother some days. Having emotions is normal. It's healthy. Even the bad feelings have a place in this world. I think all the stuffing emotions in and down, makes for a more dysfunctional culture, but that's just my opinion. Be comfortable with loving your child as they are, not with what you'd like to engineer them to be. Try to find one moment in every day to rejoice in being where you are. Keep in mind that as hard as this job is, it is finite. The time spent at home with little kids is short. Before you know it, the time will have passed.