People Who Never Want To Date Again (Or At Least Not For Awhile)
72There is a segment of the population who has completely given up on dating and is happier for it. Sometimes this only a temporary measure for a few weeks, or sometimes this is an indefinite amount of time that could last for months or years. Nevertheless, many singles are happy being single and consider a dating hiatus to be a wonderful respite. It is not that these singles have not tried, but dating has not met their needs for one reason or another. Some people choose not to date because relationships are not their thing, others have given up on dating because the long ritual of going on first dates is exhausting and tiring. For those who want to be in a relationship and eventually marriage, the casual dating scene of today is often discouraging, and there is very little desire to keep going on first dates. Sometimes people reach a point where they really just want nothing more to do with dating and have given up completely. There is nothing wrong with this and it is perfectly normal to just want to be alone. Solititude is a hard to come by commodity is this fast paced world of ours, so giving up on dating indefinitely surely has a few perks.
Perk #1: Less Arguing
Relationships are all about compromise, which means one partner will always have to concede something to make the other happy. In a relationship both partners are not always equal, and the most assertive person often gets their way more often than the more passive partner. If you just listen to people argue most arguments are about one person feeling their needs are not being fulfilled because the other person gets "their way" too much. Some relationships are better than others, but for people who tend to be more passive a dating dry spell can actually be a consolation. Coming home and knowing you can pick which show to watch because you boyfriend/girlfriend will not be vying for the remote. Knowing you can make whatever you like for dinner without having to worry about your boyfriend's peanut allergy. At times being single indefinitely can have its perks.
Perk #2: The Introverts Retreat
A dating dry spell can also be of benefit to a person that tends to be somewhat of an introvert and needs a retreat from the outside world at the end of the day. If your ex tended to be a social butterfly and always wanted to go out, then perhaps when you are single again staying in sounds like heaven.
Perk #3: Freedom From Jealousy
People who have just got out of a relationship with a controlling/jealous ex often want a little bit of space. Being single gives a person the time to think about what they want out of life, and often that means avoiding the dating scene. There is nothing wrong with dating, but there are some times in your life when you would rather just come home to the couch than go out to a club. For those who want to continue dating being single will give them a chance to meet a variety of people and keep their options open. Casual dating is often a good fit for those who want a little bit of space and want to keep their options open.
Perk #4: Freedom To Do My Own Thing
In a marriage or a steady relationship there often shared responsibilites with your partner, such as: taking turn making dinner, doing chores, spending time with your partner's family/friends, and the list can go on and become a source of many arguments. However, when you are single there are no "must do with my boyfriend/girlfriend," thus giving you the luxury of being able to make your own schedule. One friend actually broke up with her husband because he expected her to attend numerous family functions, which was beginning to encroach upon the time she spent with her own family/friends. Although this is not the solution for most people, the strain of meeting a list of mutual obligations can prompt many people to take it solo for awhile. Sometimes us singles just want to go home and make a salad and pie and we do not want to worry about making a five course dinner for your mother. This may sound selfish and unfair to your partner, but there are just times in a person's life when they would rather be single than cater to the needs of many others. You can only serve others well once your own personal needs are met, so be very cautious of doing something for your partner that you would not want to keep up over the long term. If you think it would be sweet to do your partner's laundry, but then begin to resent this, maybe it would be better not start doing this in the first place. Often couples can avoid a complete split by setting boundaries that respect personal free time.
As always being single or being in a relationship is always a personal choice, so take the time to do what is right for you. Do not rush into a relationship out of fear your crush will not be around later because if it was meant to be it will happen in the future.
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Well then we must have a lot in common because this hub is totally how I think. Thanks for commenting.
Cool, and, you're welcome!
Nicely done, SweetiePie! I took a two-year hiatus from dating a few years ago, so I can vouch for the virtues of eschewing romantic relationships for a while. I had dated a verbally abusive alcoholic for three years, and was so brainwashed into thinking he was my soulmate that I forgot I had the option of ending the relationship. When I finally woke up and walked out, I jumped into another relationship for a few months and found myself trying so hard to make it work that I once again forgot I had the option of walking away.
After that ended, I made a promise to myself to not date anyone for one year, to do some soul searching and figure out who I was, and what I wanted in life and in love, so I could hopefully avoid making bad choices in the future. One year morphed into two, and after countless hours of meditating, reading, and journaling, I felt confident enough to venture into the world of Internet dating as Melissa 2.0.
As much as I enjoyed the long vacation from playing the dating game, second-guessing myself, arguing, etc., I'm sad to say that I picked up at almost the same place I left off--I would get so worried about what that guys I dated thought about me, that I forgot to examine my feelings for them. I somehow ended up in a year long relationship with the most manipulative and obsessive individual I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and when I once again wiped the stardust out of my eyes and said fare thee well, I decided to stop taking the whole dating thing so seriously; to stop measuring my self worth against someone else's opinion of me; and to never again let the fear of being alone prevent me from walking away from a train wreck. I set an intention about the type of mate I hoped to attract, and I left the timing and circumstances up to the universe. Then I let it go and went about enjoying my life, traveling, spending time with friends and family... and a few short months later, I fell in love. :)
Sorry for the really long comment! I meant to just say, yes, I've been there, and you've touched on some of the best parts of being single, but hopefully at the end of the road, you'll find someone who shares many of your interests, is willing to compromise, and doesn't have crippling insecurities or inconvenient food allergies. ;)
Constant Walker,
Maybe you could write a hub about this topic from your point of view. That would be pretty interesting to read.
Melissa G,
I love long comments and I have been known to leave a few in my day. Thankfully I never did date someone with food allergies, but for some reason a story I heard about a man who went to the ER because the chef had forgot to tell him there were peanuts in a dish. However, I have dated men that were picky eaters and would only eat McDonald's and drink Gatorade, which put a damper on trying cuisines such as Thai. It is refreshing to hear you feel in love when you stopped looking, so good for you :). Maybe I will met the love of my life one day, but all I know is I am tired of the casual dating scene. Recently I met a man who dated a woman for nine years and thought it was perfectly rational that they were on again and off again, even though he claims someday he wants to get married and have children. That seems to be the type of man I always meet, so I just gave up trying after awhile. I enjoy coming home and making salad or a pie some nights to, so I do not know if I ever imagine myself in the very structured role as a career woman, wife, and mother. Really have to commend women who can do it all :). Thanks for sharing your insightful stories.
This is such an interesting hub - and well written. I also think 'taking a break' is a good time to hit the reset button and focus on oneself. After all, the better a person is, the more they have to offer another, when the time is right. Thanks for sharing!
I agree, taking a break can be a good thing. Thanks for comment BizzyMuse.
" A new day will come"..and I missed out on being single and doing what I wanted and so became one who did all for others and I came last..UNTILL after 33 yrs with a younger man, he left me for a younger woman...I am now a bit too old to do the dating scene and am used to being with company...but being alone is now seeming good to me...
So some advice is don't be in a hurry...make sure you are sure...and follow your heart...listen to it..I am learning that now but a bit late... Hey?....although back in my time we weren't allowed to do wrong...There is always a light that shines through...thanks sweetie...G-Ma :o) hugs
An extremely truthful hub with some wonderful points. Robert Louis-Stevenson agreed with you about the advantages of being single, especially making your own decisions! I also think that society places pressure on single people to date and couple - most unjust. G-Ma is right though - don't close your options and follow your instincts!
Great hub! I have recently ended a 3 yr relationship to be single for a while. It feels great. We are still friends and actually have a better friendship than we did relationship. I think in some cases it is necessary to be alone for a while so that you can figure out yourself and make sure that you are happy with yourself before you get back into another relationship, as if you are not happy with your self and cannot be happy by yourself, then you won't be truly happy in a relationship. Just my take on the situation, anyway.
G-Ma Johnson,
You are a wonderful person and I believe you might still meet someone else. You never know. Thanks for you insightful comments on this hub.
Pjdscott,
I did not know this about Stevenson, so thanks for sharing that piece of information. I may change my mind about dating later in life, but at the present moment after meeting a series of people who were not right for me I just came to the conclusion it is better to be single for along awhile. In the future if I meet an extradionary person I will most definitely change my outlook on this. Thanks for commenting and sharing your insights as always.
Whitney,
I enjoyed reading your take on dating and I believe this observation is very astute. At least it is good to know that you are now better friends with your ex after the relationship, so at least it was not all a loss. I wish I could at least be friends with a couple of the guys I dated in the past, but it became to difficult as they did not respect the boundaries of a friendship afterwards. Maybe your experiences would make an interesting hub also. Thanks for sharing.
I am single, and I am more than aware that giving up my freedoms is always the number one question when someone I casually date wants to make things official and exclusive. I do have to ask if maybe you're a little bitter about the whole single thing...
I've been in both good and bad relatioships and I found that when I was in a good relationship, it was because the other person and I respected each other's boudaries, trusted each other and when we compromised, it wasn't each giving something up, it was finding a way to make us both happy. Don't get me wrong, I totally agree that being single is great, but I also think when you find the right person, relationships can be really amazing. arguing, jealousy, and controlling significant others is prof to me that there is something wrong with the relationship, and that the people in the relationship haven't learned to communicate properly.
Very good ponits shumal. There are some great relationships out there where people communicate properly. I think in most bad relationships the two parties will never communicate effectively because one or both parties are not willing to give something up.
you have done a good job. it is really honour for me a friend of thoso who work iin education field
Thanks you for the kind words abdul shah.
Hi Sweetie,
I've been there too, and have been happily (most of the time) been single for the past eight years. I touch on being single in my hub You Know You're Alone When. I too experienced those relationships that you find yourself in that are getting you nowhere. My guess is, for me, I still had the Cinderella syndrome, you know? That somehow I would wake up to the guy I was with to find out he turned into my prince charming, my knight in shining armor. Wrong! LOL
Thanks for sharing.
trish1048,
Thanks for sharing your experiences here. I think I had suffered from the Cinderella syndrome for awhile thinking a guy I was dating with miraculously transform from a commitophobe to the marrying kind, but that never did. After all I began to recognize that most men I met are part of the modern culture where marriage is not necessary and they would prefer not to be in one. A couple of them had been divorced, so they were even more jaded than the rest. I am not saying I will never meet a man who does not have this baggage and wants a real relationship, but I just did not see the point of casual dating when in the end these dates were going nowhere. Casual dating is great from those who are happy with no strings attach when both parties agree on this set-up, but I finally decided I would rather be single than deal with men who only wanted a casual thing. I began to appreciate the freedom I experienced as a single person and stopped taking it for granted. I even met a person a year ago that was interested in getting married, but he wanted me to change my life for him and I am not willing to do that. If I do get married I want it to be a thing where both of our mutual freedoms are intact. Prince Charming may be out there somewhere, but right now I like to be my own hero I suppose. Thanks for commenting on my hub.
Hi Sweetie,
Did we date the same guy? The one I was going to marry didn't like for me to read a book because it took time away from him. If I had to do an errand, he wanted to tag along. He didn't like another hobby of mine, antiquing. He always had something to say about how I dressed. I noticed when he took me clothes shopping, he'd pick out things in a style his late wife wore. All of these things didn't happen at once of course. Little by little it just sorta crept into our relationship. On the plus side, he was affectionate, he took me to nice places, took me on my first and only cruise, and would have bought me a brand new house, new car, and I would not have had to work.
Well, one morning, we were having coffee, and he casually said, I won't marry you until you get rid of your house. That was the last straw for me. I had no intention of getting rid of it at that time. Because we had been looking at brand new homes, he assumed I would sell it. But, no discussion? it never came up. Well, he had to do an errand, and the minute he was gone, I packed up my stuff and went back home. No way was I going to spend the rest of my days with a man like that. He did try to get back with me. I said no. I found out later on he married some bar floozy, it lasted about 5 years and then I heard they divorced. Oh well!
Hi Trish,
Maybe they were twins :)?! At first the man I was dating seemed really nice and it was refreshing that he was the commitment type as most I have met are the opposite. However, it also seemed he wanted to make all the choices, such as saying where we would live and what would be our wedding song. I felt things were moving too fast so I just got to the point I realized it was not even me he wanted to marry, he just wanted to marry a woman that would be exactly what he wanted. I guess some of us just do not want to marry Mr. lets make all the decisions. It sounds like your ex got exactly what he was looking for because he just wanted someone to marry, and did not want a mature relationship where two people are making decisions together. Thanks for commenting.
hi Sweetie,
I dated a guy older than me when I was in high school. He was already out of school. To make a long story short, he picked me up for a date, lasted about an hour, said he didn't feel like being out so he took me home. I was really upset and went to my best friend's house to see him and her coming out of her house with her parents, all dressed up. He later married her. About 15 or so years later I ran into her, asked her how was she and Bob doing? She said, oh we're divorced. She asked me how I was, and I smiled and said very happily married thanks. LOL,,,sometimes sweet revenge comes even if you do nothing.
So, now, all these years later, I'm content to be single, bein a crazy ole cat lady. Who knows what tomorrow will bring :)
Very true Trish :).
Very well done. You bring up some good points. Personally, I found dating to be more of a meat market or a contes to see which male can perform the best or look the best to deserve the "prize." This of course would be the "opportunity" to once again perform, in m'lady's bed, naturally. If a male meets the criteria of "good" dating material, which means a good salary, car, home, and no child support for past kiddies, another hurdle is accomplished.
I like the freedom spending time with like minded people gives me. I'm quite comfortable eating alone, or with someone who doesn't mind my reading or writing something down I am working on. I love it when a guy with a date goes to the restroom and his date and I flirt a little.
I love women but they clutter up everything. Once they know they have you, they love the security and someone to fix things. At the same time they are disappointed because you have turned into a wimp. For fun, they seem to want an unattached (attached will do for many)male they can have some fun with.
I suppose the freedom to be at home anywhere with whoever is there is very interesting.It's fun to listen to people who are different or who have traveled and have been to exotic places. I have had some great experiences and adventures. I have no interest in people who get their point of view from the media or from the bridge club.
I'm definitely not an elitist. I love to play poker all night when I can. For some, non-dating is a great way of life. I see no reason to change but advise most to go the traditional route and find happiness that way.
Most would find a life without the reassuring voice of a mate on the telephone too precious to give up. Sometimes it does seem lonely. I think for most, it's just too lonely and may lead to depression.
Thanks for a well researched and written work.
Great, well-thought out hub. I've found that when I'm single, I'm always ok...sometimes happy, sometimes down, but always a medium. When I'm dating, I'm GREAT! or HORRIBLE! but rarely that medium I get when single. I think being single is so important, because if you don't have that sense of self you get when you're on your own, you don't have as much to offer another person and you'll get lost in a relationship.
Solarcaptain,
Well said from the male perspective. Much of what you say here is what I have discovered about some men over the years. Men do not appreciate it when a women begins to get in his way, and it seems some women begin to try even harder to be " a couple" and end up pushing the man farther away. I appreciate your insights.
Jonaitis,
I agree, we need to have sense of self first before we can have a relationship later. Honestly I think it is still hard for women, just my opinion, because we still have this story book wedding fantasy projected upon us as a gender. There are shows about women planning their fantasy wedding and stressing about all the details from the dress to the cake, but how often do we see men stressing abou tthe tuxedo they will wear on the day of the wedding? Virtual never. Thanks for sharing your insights.
Hi SweetiePie,
Glad you don't mind long comments. :) I also dated a picky eater (turkey sandwiches, hamburgers, and pepperoni pizza) who also happened to be a control freak, so I imagine he would get along great with some of your exes. :)
I think a break will be very healthy for you. In my experiences, I stopped trusting myself because I overlooked so many red flags during my adventures in dating. Time alone and some soul searching helped me recultivate that faith in myself. I wasn't very good at casual dating either because I was often confused about other people's intentions, which led to a lot of second guessing and obsessing over nothing.
Enjoy the time to yourself while it lasts, and I hope that when you're ready for a relationship you find someone who loves you exactly as you are, respects your autonomy, and encourages your development.
Great hub and comments!
Melissa G,
Your ex boyfriend sounds a lot like one of my ex's. I love ethnic cuisine and exploring other types of food, but he only ever wanted to eat pizza, McDonald's, and as a treat go to TGIF Friday's. I hear he finally moved out on his own, but when we were dating he was living with his parents despite being divorced and having two daughters. He used the excuse of having to pay child support for his continuing to live at home, but I even discovered he did not pay it for three months because he was mad that his ex-wife had not paid her half of the cell phone bill when she left him. Around Christmas time he bought himself a 3,000 dollar flat screen TV, so then I really began to see he could move away from home, but wanted to stay there for awhile longer so he could make this purchase. One time his daughter almost fell backwards into the flat screen TV, and he scream at her and said "Where would I be if you broke my TV". I began to realize material possessions meant more to this person than even his daughters who he claimed to care so much about.
As time went by I realized my ex was a very selfish person and always made comments about how he loved to f a blond, even though I was clearly a brunette. Finally it ended between us and I am so happy for that because he never made me feel good about myself, and at the end of the relationship he told me he never would have kids with me, but I could stick around in the hope he might want to marry me one day. He always tried to act gentlemanly and would pretend to care about me in front of others, but his comments gave away how he really felt.
It has been four years since that experience and I have remained single and used to date, but finally stopped as that was not going anywhere for me. I may be a single type of person for the rest of my life, but what I do know is it will take an extradionary person to get me to change my mind. The men I dated after him were often controlling, and that is one reason I am not in a relationship, so I am glad you are able to see why people should remain single until they find a healthy partner. Thanks for continuing to add your insights to this hub.
Wow--the more I learn about your ex, the more similarities I can see in their personality types! My ex was also very materialistic and often made remarks about his preference for flat-chested Asian girls (I don't fit any part of that description). I think it's a common tactic used to maintain control in a relationship--making snide comments that make you feel inadequate and undesirable to distract you from all their issues and shortcomings.
Like you, I enjoy many different types of cuisine. Fortunately, my darling mate is open to trying new things, and over the course of our relationship, he's discovered that he likes Japanese and Ethiopian food--he's still wary about Thai and Vietnamese cuisine, but thanks to my previous experiences, that doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Maybe you will be single forever, but if and when your extraordinary mate comes along, I think you'll find that it will be easy to forgive minor personality quirks and overlook slight differences of opinion, because there will be no comparison between him and the psychopath you dated in the past.
Melissa,
Your post has helped me to be more positive about the prospect of meeting someone who is extraordinary in the in the future. I appreciate your optimistic outlook on this area of your life because that it one place where I tend to be a little pessimistic. I am happy being single, but also I really do not have much faith in meeting the right guy. However, you have made some good points here that have helped me to reconsidered my jaded outlook on the prospect of meeting someone eventually. The point about partner's making snide comments to detract from their shortcomings is very astute, and I had not truly looked at it that way. I hear he is with a new girl now, but to be honest I feel a little sorry for her because she will eventually she what he really is. He used to tell me how he never considered his wife to be part of his family and insisted on taking all trips with his dad, brothers, and half-sister. Apparently on the last trip he went on before their divorce the half-sister brought along her husband and he said, "well she is family and can decide, but you are an outsider and have no say."
It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why she left her husband for another man, although I do not condone this type of behavior. Pretty much all he ever did was talk about his ex wife, so I think part of him was still in love with her and mad she left him.
It sounds like your new boyfriend is well rounded and I am glad you found a keeper. Thanks for continuing to comment, I always like to hear what people have to say.
5: I can wear the same underwear for days at a time
6: I don't have to go to peoples weddings that I don't know
7: I can sleep until noon on Christmas
8: I have extra time to turf Constant Walkers yard
Funnebone,
Your points are so great and I like your avatar too! Please write a hub about these eight points.
I think get connected with other people may solve this problem. open to anyone who close to us. forget the past, because dating is nice activity.
prasetio,
There is no problem for people who do not want to date, but maybe you think it is a problem because they are not doing what you want to do. There is nothing wrong with remembering the past though because it helps us to make informed choices about the future. Honestly there are many activities that I find so enjoyable, and which have nothing to do with dating.
Cute hub! I like your attitude. You are much less emotional than I am and that's a good thing!
ljrc,
I am emotional, but I just decide to not let it get the best of me. Years ago I learned it is far more productive to focus on happier and more positive things rather than to worry about things we cannot control.
i think this article is good thinking i just got out of a terrible relationship the guy was an ASS!!! so for the first time in my life I'm actually really turned off as sad as it may sound I dont want to date and I'm just fearful of getting hurt again too bad mine ended in such a nightmare.
Scarlet,
To me it does not sound sad not to want to date. Some people accuse me of being bitter on this issue, but the times during when I have dated were actually the times I was the saddest. I have yet to meet a man who wants to put me on a pedestal, and most chide me for not doing more to "make them feel better". I truly believe in being caring towards other significant other, but I myself do not get excited about men that are still working on their personal lives, but then act like you are paranoid because they only call or show up when they have free time. I have seen many relationships where men treat their girlfriends and wives with thoughtfulness, and I still am holding out for that. I would rather be single than settling for less.
Hello everyone,
I am positively shocked to see that women like you exist, I mean women who want a relationship full of true love. As you may have noticed already, I have come across this site because I have been in some bad (actually EXTREMELY TERRIBLE) relationships where my girlfriend just did not care about me at all, and I was looking for some way to comfort myself.
I am only 21 years old, but I have been waiting for my dream girl since I was very very young. I just wanted to stop in quickly and say thank you for existing because it just made me feel so much better to see that there are definitely women who have very similar values as me. I have this inner feeling that always tells me to never give up, and some of you definitely backed that up and gave me so much confidence that I will finally meet someone extremely special someday. Thank you again.
Sincerely,
David
I truly appreciate heartfelt people such as yourself David!
Constant Walker says:
14 months ago
Wow... I think you totally wrote this about me! Every word!
Thanks!!!