Pest's Internet Woes!
62
My Internet Was Down!
I promise you, the reader, that my Internet has been askew due to the local flooding. I have been trying to catch up to all of the wonderful Hubs, but alas it has become clear that I cannot. I am so popular now, that my attentions are needed through-out a vast spectrum of topics and authors. Fame has not gone to my head, so if you could please line up in order of notoriety and income, I will be more than happy to reply to your mail.
While my Internet service was down I had to alleviate my panic and night sweats due to net withdrawal with other activities. I have documented the past week as an emergency reference for you and others, should your trailer park become as flooded as mine has. This flood season took us all by surprise and we have reached record water depths here in the Fargo area. Hopefully by following my lead you can avoid some of the suffering that momma and I have endured. Enjoy:
The Net Goes Down
Day One:
Momma was eating cereal quietly in a drunken stuper, naked as a jay bird, milk drizzling down the countless canals of her sun dried wrinkles, the early morning sun glistened off from momma’s limp leathery breasts. I gagged! A dry, baked onion tater tot lodged in my throat. Momma never wears a bra, especially in the morning, and the table top always conceals eighty percent of her breasts as they lay forlornly in her lap. I would have never seen momma’s boobs had I not dropped a tot to the patched linoleum floor under the table. Aside from her aged Serengeti bush, I have been void of witnessing the “promised land” so many of my fans and neighbors beg to see. Camel toe has nothing on momma…looks like an entire herd of camel have stowed away in her panties! She even has camel toes on her back! Day one was a wash and not much of a panic.
The Net Fails Me
Day Two:
Okay, disaster has now struck! Your throat tightens with fear, tears are shed and panic grips you in its icy claw! What will you do? Your Internet could be out for (gulp) DAYS! Depending on your natural disaster or possibly your momma’s inability to get the bill paid by swallowing some Pride…or some of Will, or Dan, depending on your provider. Last month we had a Deb, but the service was uninterrupted! Momma sure does have her ways!
Electricity may be the first to go and you may actually have a real disaster other than a shut off notice being served. As I watched the river flow beneath the holes in our floor, it became clear that I should get off from the couch; the damn current was getting my X-Box wet and the pallets on the floor were also succumbing to the depths! Time to shift gears. I am the man of the house…so it was up to me to take some sort of action … uhhh I am suppose to …%@??? I asked momma,” What should I do?” …
Find Something to Ease the Pain of "No Net Itis"
Day Three:
The rise of the water had slowed to an extent. At this point I was
bailing out the trailer, tossing buckets of flood water down the drain of the
tub to keep my mind off from the loss of Internet service. Momma was no
help. …. “What should I do?” fell on deaf ears. We still had power and hot water.
Upon momma’s request during this trying time, I scrubbed the cracks of her back
fat while she watched reruns of Sanford
and Son. Momma and I became a bit closer and my gag reflex a bit stronger. I
suggest that you too should make every attempt at growing closer to family
during times such as these. Whether it is scrubbing your momma’s back
fat, braiding her mole hair, draining veracious veins or simply rubbing the
corns on her toes, this is a time to bond so take advantage of it!
Booze Is The Remedy
Day Four:
The bar…. By now momma had waded across the shit ponds and caught a canoe to Maine Street. I have been told to never interfere with a woman on a mission…like I have a lot of experience in this field!!! By the time I doggy paddled to Maine Street, momma had six hours on me. I don’t swim so well. The “Dirty Shame” Saloon loomed in front of me as I pulled Q-tips and tampon applicators from my hair. Momma was inside and stripped down to a white t-shirt. Penciled in blue pool stick chalk on momma’s back was, “Wet and no teeth”. How dare she take advantage of the flood that way! Commercializing a disaster to make a buck or two is low even for my momma! I tried to talk sense to her but she was having nothing to do with it.
“Go home and watch the water rise through the floor” Screeched Momma.
Another tip to easing the pain of "net itis", is total inebriation. As long as I was at the bar I took advantage of the spirits and soon I was talking with my old friend Table Pac-Man in the back of the dusty saloon. If you are not a drinker you had better start if you expect to make it through a disaster. No sense in making coherent decisions then being blamed for your stupidity later. Do like me; get really drunk then, piss poor decisions can be blamed on the booze, you get off scott free and all is forgiven in just a few short months.
Volunteer!
Day Five:
By now everything that you may try probably will not alleviate your need for Internet. Bonding with family, inebriation, catching up on Sanford and Son and commercializing the disaster if you must, have all failed! In my case there was one last and final resort. If you are guessing excessive masturbation you are mistaken this time. I crossed that bridge while I watched the weather reports predicting this mess!
I finally broke down and offered to help the volunteers that were bagging sand to keep the water out of our home. I know, I know, I have a big heart, but offering to volunteer was a life saver for my Internet withdrawal. Even though the water had receded, and my home was put back on its blocks by all of the volunteers before me. I was there in spirit. I also made sure that those people picked up all of their garbage from the free lunches provided by the Salvation Army! I sure would hate to see the inside of their homes! If not for me I am sure the volunteers at my home would have lost sleep over such an error in volunteerism.
____________________________________________________________
I hope that this has been or will be of some service to the reader as well as explaining my absence all in one swoop! I see by the weather we are in for a record breaking blizzard!!! Now where did I put that petroleum jelly? It is gonna be another long week!
God Bless The Internet!
_____________© 2009 Richard L. Thorp Jr._________________
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Comments
"The table top always conceals eighty percent of her breasts as they lay forlornly in her lap"- Wow and I mean Double D Wow! TOO MUCH INFO....but we still love ya!
Sorry to hear about the floods... Did you get 2 of each animal before you locked yourself up in your Ark???? =)
I believe he took 3 and marched them two , by two with green alligators and long necked geese..lololol
He disappeared again, mmmmmmm the water must be coming in and he trying to save the computer.. (slosh-slosh) Pest where are you?? I will help give me a bucket..... (Pest handing bucket) not that bucket pest, that is a bed pan....LOLOLOL
Ewwwww! Look there goes another "applicator" floating by!!!!
He probnably ate them and shared with the other volunteers as he is a good guy.
i will take your tips to heart Pest. thankfully I live on a high hill. But we have had tornadoes come through, no escape from that, but I have a dungeon for shelter and a wine cellar. I have been watching the news and worried about Momma a lot. I knew you'd make it. Another good piece of shit my friend. hanf in there now, make a raft of the pallets if needed.
C.C. , You have tornadoes???? I am so thankful I am out of the midwest , floods, tornadoes , cold , damp , no way .....but beautifulllll in the spring and summer..
Thanks Charlie! Your input is well appreciated!
You're quite welcome. I hope all turns out well for you. Gawd it must be awful.
AE, yes, one tore the house up a few years back and scared the H out of me in the dark and all alone, and I ain't scared of nuthin'. haha It was in November too. what a mess. My poor cat as tramatized over it for months. It went right by the house, 5 neighbors lost their garages. woo-hoo
That is nuts!!! I have been in earthquales and tornadoes and to be truthful I would take a tornado any day at least you are more prepared. I don't like the sound or damge, but an earthquake will scar you for life...
Pest...you did it again! I think I laughed a lung out! LOL :)
Great Hub Pest. Remember if all else fails bend over and kiss your Ass goodbye! (Old nuclear war warning)
AE- I am scared to death of Tornados and hurricanes and would rather go thru an earthquake...I have been through several thousand I am sure ( small and big) Cal has hundreds per month ( though they are on the small scale) and when they are big..Yeah I have felt those ones too.....I am used to them so they don't scare me! =)
Tom it is a good thing you still have that other lung!
sixty, you are so right!
ROFL@SOS has anyone looked at the ads on here?
Yes and one says " I am happy I lost my job?" , another is sellng insurance it is crazy what is Google thinking....
They were pretty raunchy erlier!
talking about raunchy...has anyone seen the new quizno's sandwich commercial...that is just wrong!
One said, I'm happy I lost my job. wtf
JJ...LOL!!! "put it in me"... Hot stuff! Hungry and arroused all at one time.
Yeah, they all know sex sells. but a sub?
the oven is a guy oven...the sandwich maker is a guy...it was a little weird for me.
Pest grrrrrrrrrrrr now you are a cheating (JJ is talking) mmmmmm Pest come here...
CC : Think of the design of the sub, *bun and all of the stuffings on the inside* yup a sub...lolololo
I just couldn't get past that oven talking like that...how can you talk about a sandwich sexy???? Unless you are barry white or something...
AE!!! I am all yours, you know that! What is it you want? :)
I think this is the first time Pest wrote a serious article. LOL. Sorry about the flood but I can see your mind is entertaining you. And now you know that you are missed around here!
Group hug?
Now if Barry White was talking I would listen to the oven , yes I would....lololol
mmmmmm...... JJ and I have decided along with BP that we will share you ..hehehehehehe, :D:D:D:D
I am in HP heaven!
Sheena, this is as close to serious as I get without turning really serious and dark.
who's BP?
I am so glad that you are in HP Heaven and now Sheena is here Yipppeeee!! Sheena take over as I have to get some shut eye , I have to cookkkk and make potato salad for the BBQ over at Sixtyorso's place..... Pest behave yourself and stay out of trouble.....
Southern Mutual Help Association? In Fargo? Boy you guys were really in need of some major help there. Either that or the photographers were.
BP is BlondePoet .....:)
Yeah, it sucks when the internet goes down, but at least you had Momma to entertain you!
The pictures are of flooding in general. I didnt take any myself. well i actually took pics posted in another hub showing the begining of the floods..
Thanks AE :)
I thought the photo captions added interest to the piece, a touch of underlying humor, if you will. I saw the other ones. They were good. You can tell these aren't yours.
I was actually looking for some insane photos, but I had to pay for the ones i wanted...The more over the top that I can get, the better. Now that you say the captions added interest, I can see that too! Thanks.
Absolutely spellbound and gobsmacked by the whole thing . Laughed til I cried.lol
Wow, Pest, it's getting harder and harder (sorry) to find the end of your comment list. What can I say that hasn't already been said? You're one-of-a-kind. Did anyone say that?
Welcome back pest, we missed you lots!
On a (maybe) brighter note, at least the floor of the trailer has holes to let all that nasty water drain right back out!
Glad you're okay
Well, Pest, it seems you just need a little boat instead of that house ... Sorry about flood which could not destroy your unique sense of humour. BTW, are you trying to find possibilities to move from there?
A lots of hugs.
So - are you and momma still feeling clser to each other, or have those feelings receded with the flood ?
If you are looking for animals to take on the ark with you....consider Sheep....it'll make better use of that petroleum jelly.
This is absolutely hilarious:) Being in Central Minnesota, I've escaped the ravages of flooding, thank God. But I have not escaped the ravages of being a Minnesotan, surely. I've been through a few tornadoes, in fact every year when March rolls around (eek) I turn into a scared little toddler. I abhor the weather here, but I've grown used to it having lived here for 20+ years.
Love the details here:) Thanks for the laugh!
I gaged and laughed! I will never go for another tot on the floor without that horrible thought running through my head.
Oh am so glad to see you survived PEST was worrying about you...gotta go right now and haven't read this but will when I return...YiPPPEEE you're here...G-Ma :O) HUGS & Peace
Thanks for all of the comments...I am on my way to therapy right now. I will respond to everyone later tonight.
Wow!! Bless your Heart Pest. And Momma's too! If you can locate it beneath her apparently dangling breasts!! LOL. You are hilarious!
Oh my word! What you've been through! How gracious it is for you to log your survival strategies for us. I'm printing this out to keep handy in the event of a natural or unnatural disaster, and I'm never eating tater tots again. :D
I'm glad you're back and that you survived! It's so tough being without internet. Mine goes funky frequently, but at least I now have some useful tips to get me by. :)
One of the ads on here right now is for Vicks Brand. If they're hawking VapoRub and not petroleum jelly, DON'T buy it! But then this could be why Momma is so "hot". A trick of the trade, so to speak. ;D
Glad you finally made it back to HubLand, Pest! You were missed!
OMG! I loved day 4. This was one of the funniest things I've ever read. Terrific! Sorry for your troubles, but, thank you so much for the laugh. Man, that is some really bad flooding. Too funny. I loved the pictures. You take them by boat?
dude move to phoenix it never floods and u can stil live in yuor trailer everyone lives in trailers here
Hell Yeah your funny!
RK, thanks for the comments and for stopping by.
Raiderfan...we have to have a sense of humor...you with the Raiders and my Lions...go Lions...
LMAO. Glad to know you are ok.
LOL I'd stick by you come the Apocalypse! At least i'd die laughing!
But this is not schadenfreude lest you get me wrong! Thanks for the laughs when I need it the most :D
Sumpthin wrong Cris???
thanks gwendy!
I'd come back with my critique when I'm done laughing, miserloo!
I must go catch up with your stuff!
What stuff?! I haven't been doing anything lately.
Pest...am just glad you are ok..and that swim must have been tough...no creature's from the black lagoon in the waters? I hope...scratch...scratch...welts getting bigger...
that ad was just too much all he had to was OPEN his mouth on the sandwich....shhh... I didn't say that...G-Ma :O) Hugs & Kisses
P>S> Cris you ok sweetie?
So did you have to do the "Breaststroke" to survive Pest? I bet Momma enjoyed that no end :)
so uh, whats all that mess in that south park picture?
DNA mostly, I think, Golden.
Pest, this is a MAGNIFICENT hub. Enjoy the blizzard. Be sure to tell us all about it. :0)
A little bird told me there was more to come....
Glad you weren't swept away with all that water.
So sorry to hear of your and your momma's troubles but so happy to know that you are back. Hey! Dangling breasts are no problem! Those of us with ones large enough to dangle can relate to your momma!
Hope that your flooding worries are over for good.
Wow Pest are you still under water there. Gee I had no idea it was like this bad. I could row a little boat out there and bring you some supplies. What do you need??? I will head off shortly lol. On the next sun dwon.
We missed you so much, Pest!! It just hasn't been the same around here without you!
I find myself waking thru the night wondering bout momma... I love this stuf... :)
Peggy! LOL...Dangling girls are no prolem for sure...Dangling boys are!!! At least you dont have to worry about sitting on yours!!!! OUCH!
BP...You are all the supplies I need!
Shady, awwwww ! Thanks, you are too sweet.
feewee, i am glad to have such a profound affect. I do know a good on line mental health worker if you need.
Im on my way Pest. It may take me awhile I don't have any oars and am using a broom. Grrrr this is going to take forever
I was going to ask you what do you think of this new look HP, I have only just got up it's pretty early here, so my eyes are still focusing.Everything is so different.
BP...I will leave the door unhinged for you. ** begins pacing **
i don't like change but haven't looked at the new look much as of yet!
You will leave the door unhinged???? *AE is pacing too*....
You have sooooo many fans now Pest, you don't need me any more.
Randy, That is what I said too!!!lolololo:)
I was hoping for a "no, no I need you, you are the only hips I adore," or some such Pesty thing. I think you and I need to take this little raskle for a mud bath again AEvans. Jog is memory. Ya, know so he remembers who's butterin his bread.
I think so too!!! Ready????? Set Gooooooooooooooooo
Pest, you gotta get away from all that horrible weather up there!!! Come down to Florida, where the sun is always shining, and the girls are all in bikinis!!
I've been practicing my mud wrestling too! Let me go change into something more aquamarine before we take him into the ring!
Oh you are wrong Randy!!! Your hips would be sadly missed!! :) Especially when they are all muddied up!
AE, why are you pacing too? i hope you took time to sleep!
Anna, can we haul a couch out to the beach?
I wonder if we could get JJ to wrastle around in the mud??? Hmmmmmmmmm I wonder????
Az far as the new HP format goes.I'm not crazy about the fonts.Too much white space and a bit too fussy. I liked the clean look of the old HP layout but I guess I am just an old fart not too change firiendly.
Head to Boreyong in South Korea sometime in June for the mud festival! Scantily glad women and men go down mud slides and take part in mud wrestling!
sixty, i am just not two brighte. I has to git retrained on new stuff.
Cindy, I wish i would have known this while i was stationed in Korea!
I have added pictures of the area ... a sobering reminder of the real disaster here. We are bracing for round two over the weekend as the snow melt from the blizzard hits the rivers.
BUMP again!
Hey Pest. this is baaad! what river is that man?
That is the Red River. Most of the ice jams have melted away. the snow melt is the only flooding concern and Rain like Sunday and monday.
OK, I could not remember and Shirley asked me after out conversation why you are flooding. I can't believe no one has been here, i told them last nite! hmmmm fair weather friends
Pun not intended I take it! Fair weather friends indeed.
Hey Pest~ I was gone for awhile too, but I have no excuse. I'm just a lazy ass. Well, I'm a lazy ass hubber lately. And I have writer's block. But the house is clean as hell...
Are you still in the drink? Has anything improved? Do you need me to send you a life jacket? I'll send momma my inflatable seal. You could always use a blow-up doll to float to the bar next time... there's even a holder for your shot glass.
My blow up "I love ewe" doll also has a shot glass holder.
I know what you mean about the writer's block. I have been staring at the same blank document for days now!
I'm hoping that some douchebag will do something insanely dumb in front of my eyes during my travels today... material abound. We'll see...hopefully I'm not the douchebag of the day.
Oh, and.. I was referring to your blow up doll. I don't have one, although it would make a nice centerpiece for easter dinner. She could give me a guarantee that my stupid inlaws would not attempt another visit...
<wheels turning....
I have many ideas, but just cant get the words to flow! Sometimes being the douche bag makes for the best material!
Hey Pest, you not helping Momma make hot cross buns?
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! ! I aint touchin her buns. Plucking the in grown hairs from her ass is enough!
lol! Ewww. Don't pluck mommma's ass. There are things a son just shouldn't do!
Hey, you see I wrote you a special hub pest, as you inspired me
Amy, there are things that no human should have to do for my momma! I do as she says or else I will have to find a new home for my couch!
Cindy...I have to go see.
Your Momma is so cool lol not
Well, some have come. Have a great Easter Pest. I sure hope ya do anyway. I'll call ya maybe later and check on ya
AEvans says:
9 months ago
Holy Canoli!!!! Back Fat and floods, you were in Big Doo-Doo no pun intended!!! My notorierty well I will leave that for another discussion...LOLOLOLOL:)