This article in no way impugns Hugh Grant. We all commit mistakes, and it was just Mr. Grant's bad luck to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and with the wrong person.

But he recovered, you say! Well, yes. However, Hugh Grant has advantages over you. First, he has spin doctors to perform damage control. Second, he is a charming bastard who can smile and talk his way out of almost bloody anything. Third, he is a celebrity, and celebrities are often forgiven by their audience. And fourth, his leather money clip boasts of more money to pay all the hookers in the world.

You, on the other hand, might have only your business card holder to do damage control. Just poke the prostitute in the eyes so that she will be unable to give policemen a proper sketch. Or, you can set yourself on fire with the help of gasoline and one of your engraved Zippos when the cop comes knocking. Just joking, of course.

But you can pick up prostitutes and get away with it. Here is how.

Know the Names, Know the Ways

A rose will still be a rose no matter what you call it. However, prostitutes go by different nicknames usually to avoid arrest from undercover cops and to proposition you without you hot-footing it to the next exit.

If you pick up a prostitute through a published service or agency, then the more appropriate term is call girl. Basically, you call the number and talk directly to the service provider (such a proper euphemism) or to her agent (also called a pimp). You can either come to mama, or you can let the mama come to you. Nothing to it, really. Just be ready to unload your leather money clip as services are worth more than your average pizza.

If you went through an escort service, then you call your mama an escort. Though sex is not verbally arranged, it is implicitly worked into the escort fee you pay. There go the contents of your leather money clip as this can be pretty steep, too.

If you picked up your prostitute in the streets and she came up to you saying "You looking for a date?", then you found yourself a date. Usually, they would proposition you more lewdly, but her asking for a date sounds more romantic. Think "Pretty Woman" and you get the drift. This time, your leather money clip might not suffer as much since streetwalkers are better known to be more desperate for customers than most prostitutes with agencies.

There are other names, but these are the better-known names and ways. These usually lead to a problem with an empty leather money clip. But hey, the sex was very orgasmic, right?

Be Discreet

If you go the route of the agency and the escort service, then it is as easy as ordering Chinese takeout, or something like that, since you never know if you get an order-taker that understands pidgin English and nothing more. Better order a pizza.

Anyway, just call the service and tell them what you like.This might be harder than ordering pizza, but you will get used to it if you keep practicing. Then you can arrange for a meeting place and the amount of the service fee. Be sure to keep a low profile and check into a hotel. At the very least, you will not be caught like Hugh Grant.

Now for the tips, you would have to decide later. Just use your satisfaction as your gauge, but at least give the girl 10-20 per cent. Again, be prepared with having your full leather money clip almost running empty.

These are more discreet since you need not coast up and down the street to pick up the prostitute of your choice. Just select from a catalog, and then order. Sounds impersonal, yes, but that is how it works.

Be Careful

If you must go through the less-taxing-on-your-leather-money-clip option (streetwalkers, if you must ask) then be very prepared for some surprises. You might be dealing with an undercover cop and then where would you be? Certainly not in a hotel room humping it, but in a jail bumping fists with like-minded individuals, and certainly not paying for your satisfaction, but paying your fines. Both can drain you of your leather money clip, but the former is certainly more desirable than the latter, any way you look at it.

And if you do get a legitimate hooker, then remember to pay her. Pimps and fellow hookers can be very bad news for you.

And always, always use a condom. Barebacking is double jeopardy and is an invitation to sexually transmitted diseases you never can spell on your own even if your life depended on it.