No matter the amount of money spent on funeral prearrangements or the time spent on writing an obituary in advance, you can never be prepared for the loss of a loved one. You might have all of your ducks in a row, but when the moment actually comes, your world will still fall down around you. That's the power of grief. And then you're expected to make tons of decisions concerning the at-need funeral arrangements. It probably seems unfair to have to make all of those choices while you're in mourning. That's why I have written this article to help you plan a meaningful funeral or memorial service. By trade I am a funeral director and embalmer. Just think of me as your cyberspace funeral advisor.

If you were present for your loved one's death, you were probably able to meet with a funeral director before actually going to the funeral home. If so, she probably already offered some guidance as to what decisions need to be made and what you'll need to bring to the arrangement conference. Here are some examples...

- Vital Information for a Death Certificate:

• Legal name
• Birth-date and place of birth
• SSN
• Parents' names (mother's maiden name)
• Parents' birthplaces
• Decedent's physician
• Length of residence
• Education

- Military discharge papers (for military burial benefits)

- Copy of Durable Power of Attorney

- Life Insurance Policies

The funeral director might not need all of the information I listed. States vary, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Be sure to ask the funeral director any questions you may have. Write them down as you think of them and do not be afraid to call the funeral home whenever you need help. That's what they're there for :)

Even if funeral prearrangements have been made, there will be many choices to make at time-of-need (after your loved one has died). Prearrangements aren't always made and the grieving family members must make all of the decisions while they are in mourning. The funeral director will guide you through the process, but here are some things to think about...

Who gets to make the decisions?

States vary in their laws, but here is the usual succession: the decedent's specific instructions (prepaid contract), person with durable power of attorney, surviving competent spouse, a majority of the decedent's adult children, the decedent's parents, etc.

Should there be a viewing or visitation period?

This gives friends and family an opportunity to pay their last respects

Should the body be embalmed?

This helps ensure that the remains will be viewable for a visitation period as it slows the decomposition process

Burial or cremation?

Either one can take place after or before a funeral/memorial service.

Should there be a funeral or memorial service?

Typically, a funeral happens with a traditional burial and a memorial service happens when cremation has taken place (with or without the remains present).

What will happen with the remains?

The remains (depending on burial or cremation) can be buried, scattered, put in a necklace, shot into space, donated to science, or put on your mantle.

Whether or not the remains are present, friends and family often need a time and a place to grieve and comfort one another. Funeral and memorial services offer a much needed sanctuary for this normal process. Have you ever been to a bad funeral? Maybe the minister said generic things because he didn't know the decedent or maybe the funeral songs didn't really fit. Whatever the reason, a bad funeral service can leave friends and family feeling like they were cheated in some way. Here are some tips on planning a meaningful service...

This is the main way a community learns about the death of a friend or acquaintance. Even though the family members might already know, it's impossible to notify everyone that has been touched by the life of the decedent. In addition to the normal vital information and relatives, you should include some personal information like club affiliations, hobbies, special talents, achievements, and even a short funny story. Remember, the whole town will have a chance to read it and it will probably be read during the funeral service too. I wrote a hub on How to Write an Obituary

If you are looking for poignant funeral readings, Click Here for an excellent resource!

If you are familiar with a certain minister, great. If not, you can get a friend or family member to do it. It doesn't have to be a minister. As a last resort, you can ask the funeral director to reccomend one, but I warn you that it might not be as personal as you'd like it to be. You want someone that knew the decedent and can interject personal antecdotes into the service.

This is critical to a meaningful funeral or memorial service. Give the chosen officiant lots of background and personal detail about the decedent. Share your fond memories and funny stories. Come up with an "order of service" so you will know how the funeral will come together and flow nicely.

You should gather some nice photos of your loved one to display at the funeral or memorial service. This will definitely make it more personal. A nice 8x10 or larger to be displayed by the casket, urn, or pulpit makes a lovely addition to the ceremony.

If you have a lot of photos, you can choose to create a photo collage on a large poster board. Ask the funeral director if she has any easles available so you can display the memory boards in the foyer of the funeral home or church for people to see as they enter the chapel area. HINT: Keep it simple. Overloading the collage with lots of photos will look messy and take guests forever to look over. This will disrupt the flow of traffic and clog the entry-way.

If you have a bunch of photos (30-35) and a couple of favorite songs, you can choose to make a video tribute (DVD photo slideshow) to be played during the funeral service. Many funeral homes offer this service or you can buy the software and create one yourself on the computer. These really give the attendees ample time to ponder their own memories and celebrate the decedent's life. HINT: Stick to the 30-35 photo range and use 2-3 songs. To use any more than that will make the video extra long, more expensive, take a long time to make, and bore the funeral attendees. Keep in mind that many funeral attendeed are elderly (and possibly incontinent). Try to keep the video in the 6-8 minute range as to avoid distressing the audience members.

Memorial folders (service cards) are an excellent way to personalize a funeral service. If you purchase a register book through the funeral home, they may have matching memorial folders available that can be customized on the inside to display service information and the decedent's photo. Some funeral homes also offer completely customized memorial folders. I offer this service to my customers. I can make large folders or small cards to the specifications of the family. These special cards can be personalized with photos, quotes, phrases, poems, obituaries, service information, song lyrics, or anything else the family deems appropriate. Funeral goers may like to collect memorial folders to store in their Bibles, accumulate them to send to friends that couldn't make it to the service, or just to read as they wait for the service to start. You can also make memorial folders yourself by buying templates online, filling them out, and printing them yourself. The downside to printing them yourself is that you would have to use your own materials (paper, ink, computer, time) and guess as to how many you would need for the funeral. When I make custom memorial folders, I keep the file open on my computer during the funeral. If we run out, I can quickly print more at a moment's notice!

Tips for Folder Personalization

• Choose a commemorative verse
• Consider using a personal photo for the background on the inside
• Include the songs to be played during the service
• Include the names of active / honorary pall bearers

Lots of families choose to have a relative speak at a loved one's funeral service. In addition to the officiant, the family member could recite a poem, share a memory, or give a eulogy. This often adds a very personal touch to the service. BEWARE: It may seem easy at first, but oftentimes family members stand up to speak and are overcome by the emotion of the funeral and strain of public speaking. I've seen it too many times to count. Instead of delivering the prepared eulogy, the relative breaks down sobbing in front of the crowd and tries to compose his/herself to finish. Just understand that this can, and often does, happen.

Choosing the flowers can really personalize the funeral. The arrangement that the family chooses is called the "family piece" and is placed in front of the chapel next to the casket, urn, or photo. Some ways to customize the arrangement are:

• Picking the decedent's favorite flower to dominate the arrangement
• Adding personalized ribbons with the decedent's nickname or titles (Mom, Grandma, etc.)
• Including personal items in the boquet like a ball cap, hammer, gardening gloves, horseshoe, poker hand, etc. Use your imagination!

This is by far the most effective way of creating a meaningful funeral service. I advise all of my client families to bring in personal items to display for the funeral or memorial service. The funeral directors will display everything in an aesthetically pleasing way. We've had everything in our chapel from Harley motorcycles to sewing machines. Feel free to include items that meant a lot to your deceased loved one. Some examples are:

• Quilts and Afghans
• Tools
• Awards
• Military uniforms
• Fishing poles
• Bingo cards
• Stuffed animals
• Paintings and artwork

The more stuff you bring in, the more personal the service will be. I've even seen a funeral where the decedent's favorite recliner and television were brought in and the body was embalmed to sit upright in the recliner to make it look as though he fell asleep watching his favorite sports team. You obviously don't have to go that far, but most funeral homes will accommodate you and help you make the most of the upcoming celebration of life.

During the service, you can designate a time for open sharing. That's when members of the funeral congregation can stand up and share personal memories of the decedent. This is great for lightening the mood because people often share really funny or charming stories. It can also backfire. People will be hesitant to share at first, but then gather the nerve as the minutes go by. This can have a snowball effect and everyone will end up having something to say. I've directed funerals that have lasted longer than 2 hours because of this!! Be careful with open sharing because it's hard to cut people off and finish the service. A good officiant will take over the microphone and say something like, "Those were great memories. The family and I invite you to continue sharing those treasured moments at the reception following the service."

A funeral or memorial service can be customized with music. I have witnessed relatives sing a special song in front of the crowd and I have even played a recording of the decedent himself singing a commemorative tune. Whether or not the funeral is indoors, recorded music can usually be played at the service. I've written about the best and worst funeral songs, but feel free to choose any appropriate music that your loved one enjoyed. If he liked country music, you can even ask to have some country music played in the background for the prelude and postlude of the funeral. Just remember that if you choose to have live singers from a church or other organization, you'll have to pay an honorarium to them (like to the minister).

Note from Emma Balmer: I am a licensed funeral director and embalmer and I write about matters concerning death and the funeral service industry. I like to look at the lighter side of mortality. Even though my articles are often written in a tongue-in-cheek manner, it is not my intention to make fun of the dying, bereavement, or funerary processes. I take death seriously when I have to, but I'm also able to laugh about it at times. Like most morticians, this helps me keep my sanity intact.