Politically Incorrect No Arm, No Leg Jokes and Fourth Graders
82When I was a young lad, no taller than my father's number three driver, I met the funniest old fart east of Saskatchewan. My best friend, Duane Smith, a freckled faced dynamo, phoned me up and laid out the news. "My Grandfather is here," he said. That was all I needed. I sped over to the Smith house, bolted through the garage and onto the porch. Mr. Smith, a World War Two Vet, sat in a worn lawn chair smoking a cigar. He motioned me over to sit down as he reached for his glass of pink lemonade. "You want to hear some jokes?" He asked.
"Sure do," I answered.
"Okay Buckaroo, what do you call a man with no arms and no legs...."
Thirty years later, I still remember every one of those no arm, no leg jokes and they still make me laugh. Last year, in a moment of lunacy, I decided to tell them to my fourth grade class. Big mistake. This is what transpired.
Mr. Schilke: Class, I have some jokes to tell you.
Joey: Cool Mr. Schilke, I love jokes.
Carol: What kind of jokes are they? I love knock-knock jokes.
Mr. Schilke: They're not knock-knock jokes; they're no arm, no leg jokes.
Frank: I don't get it?
Mr. Schilke: Frank, I haven't told the joke yet.
Frank: I don't want to hear it.
Joey: Shut up Frank, the rest of us want to hear it.
Mr. Schilke: Here it is guys. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging in a tree?
Frank: Guys with no hands and legs can't climb trees.
Mr. Schilke: I know Frank, but what is his name.
Frank: Don't know, you didn't tell us.
Mr. Schilke: That's the point of the joke. You have to figure out his name.
Carol: I don't like this.
Mr. Schilke: Why not?
Carol: Because I feel sorry for the guy with no arms and no legs hanging in the tree. Are you sure this a joke Mr. Schilke?
Mr. Schilke: Okay, Okay...What do you call a dog with no arms and legs sitting in a tree?
Frank: Dogs don't have arms, they only have legs.
Mr. Schilke: Okay.... What do you call a doll with no arms and legs hanging in a tree?
Jenny bursts out crying.
Mr. Schilke: What's wrong Jenny?
Suzy: Mr. Schilke, she's just sad. Her brother ripped off all of her dolls' arms and legs last week.
Mr. Schilke: Oh, I'm sorry Jenny. I hope your parents can re- attach the arms and legs.
Suzy: They can't. Her dog ate them.
Mr. Schilke: Okay... does anyone have the answer?
Frank: I think his name is Burt.
Mr. Schilke: No...his name is Russell.
Frank: And... what's the joke.
Mr. Schilke: Russell....you know like rustle in the wind.
Suzy: What does that have to do with a guy with no arms and legs hanging in a tree?
Mr. Schilke: He's rustling in the wind.
Suzy: Oh.
Mr. Schilke: You guys don't get it, do you?
Frank: Nope, we don't get it.
Mr. Schilke: Let's try one more. What do you call a man with no arms and legs water skiing?
Frank: That's impossible, how does someone with no arms and no legs hold the rope?
Mr. Schilke: I give up. Go to lunch.
In the end, I guess fourth graders are too politically correct, but for curiosity sake I have decided to list all of the jokes for you to peruse.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Answer: Bill
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Answer: Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
Answer: Skip
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?
Answer: Phil
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the trunk of your car?
Answer: Jack
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
Answer: Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a steel factory?
Answer: Rod
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a lake?
Answer: Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a stage?
Answer: Mike
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the bathroom?
Answer: John
What do you call a woman with nor arms and legs in the middle of cow pasture?
Answer: Patty
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Comments
Misha,
I am ashamed to admit it, but I had to ask someone what ROFL means. I guess I am ESL when it comes to the language of texting.
sschilke
Oh, no problem, we all were in your shoes :)
Strictly speaking it should be ROTFL and it just means Rolling On The Floor Laughing :D
Hilarious. These kids are in serious need of some Looney Tunes.
The "Russell" line works better if he's in a bush: "russell, russell."
No-armed, no-legged man in a hot tub?
Stu
Constant Walker,
I will add that one to my repetoire.
sschilke
The jokes were funny, but I just wish I could have been in the back of the class when you were trying to tell them because something tells me I would have been laughing my butt off.
talented ink,
That's just what I need, you at the back of the class ;)
sschilke
ROTFLMAO LOL OMFG
ROFL COPTOR "SWOOSH SWOOSH SWOOSH SWOOSH"
Kim and Brett,
Ha,ha,ha.....I don't have the foggiest idea what you just said, but I am assuming it means "I loved your hub".
sschilke
that was so funny
js47,
Thanks
sschilke
So politically incorrect, I love it. It would make a good stand-up comic bit.
Those are some stubborn unassuming kids. won't even play along if they don't have too.
lifedancer,
Stand up comic eh.....you've convinced me, I'm going to try out for Last Comic Standing next year.
Curdman,
They definitely weren't playing along.
sschilke
Love it...... How did Helen Keller break her arm?????
Just trying to get in on the politically incorrect scene!!!
Spidey,
Where is the punch line? I have a sneaky suspicion that you are more politically incorrect than me.
sschilke
Those kids, That would have been very challenging moment in front of the kids. (can we still call children kids?) It just goes to show that if we change our behavior long enough our attitude can change as well. We were all forced to change our behavior by law. And now here we are with kids that "don't get it"
Jokes like these can not be told in public anymore due to fear of the law. I don't know? I am 50 plus and had to admit I laughed at all these jokes when I was little as well but maybe I was wrong to laugh.
One thing is for sure, your story, the image of those KIDS gave me a huge chuckle to start my day.
Thank you.
Your fan.
Mon.
Monitor,
Thanks for the comment. I appreciate your candor.
sschilke
these kids don't know this, but humor takes all of the power away from being hurtfull. A good sense of humor is so rare that if someone has a modicum of wit, they are HILARIOUS. this story was great! the delivery was spot on and i felt your frustration. a true funny story from a very funny guy.
Start showing reruns of merry melodies, animaniacs, marx brothers-you know, smart funny things. they need some humor lessons
i'm just saying. . .
kerouazy21,
I love the Marx brothers, but I would also add Little Rascals to your excellent list.
sschilke
omg...I think I nearly peed myself reading this hub. Thank you for such a stomachache inducing laugh. :)
What do you call a girl with only one leg...Eileen
What do you call an oriental girl with only one leg...Irene
I get double points on that last one for being politically incorrect in two different ways.
spryte,
I love that "Irene" joke... that one cracked me up.
Sschilke
Great hub! I'm going to tell that one about the hole to my friend Phil. Here's one I know: What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs on a window sill? Kurt & Rod. :)
Pete,
Kurt and Rod, I like that one.
sschilke
As a fellow fourth grade teacher, I FEEL your pain. I'm also going to email these jokes to my sister-in-law, master of the no-arm no-leg joke.
Would you mind if I used your post in the humor section of my blog?
Dave Teacher,
No problem Dave, post away.
Thanks for the feedback.
sschilke
Oh, man. That's *terribly* funny. We're all going to hell for laughing at these, you guys know that, right? <<rofl>> I'm gonna be chuckling for the rest of the day, now, thanks, sschilke!
Nicole Winter,
Sound like the guilt didn't hang around for long :) I'm glad it made you laugh.
sschilke
I told some of these to my boyfriend last night who responded with: "What do you call a man with no arms / legs in the middle of the ocean?" We both looked at each other for a second, (dangerous, because he was driving,) and said "Bob." (I know you have him in a lake, yeah, well...) then we proceeded to completely crack up. My daughter laughed at these, too, but I'm afraid she doesn't really get them. (She's six and still hasn't mastered the art of telling a joke just yet.)
Nicole Winter,
Lake, Ocean, Pool, Bathtub, Oversized Fish Bowl.... all of them work. I'm glad your passing on the laughter.
sschilke
Love this! As a recognized joke teller on HubPages (LAST ONE TO POST IS THE WINNER: IN MEMORIUM by RMR) I have to say that being "politically correct" has taken a lot of subject matter for jokes and put it behind locked doors. When it comes to the point the there's no humor in to be found in bad situations and we're unable to laugh at ourselves in trouble, than humor, indeed, may be heading the way of the dinosaur.
But while it still lives, how about:
How did the the man with no arms and no legs get hurt while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree!
Ruthie17,
Great points! As a man who loves a good joke at his own expense, I can't agree with you more.
sschilke
I have to admit I got worried for you when you said you were telling no leg jokes to your class. Weren't you afraid of parent reaction? I am glad you made it out alive!
That image you painted of the Grandpa and the cigar and the jokes... it's beautiful. We all had Grandparents like that. They would be criticized today but they were the ones who loved you the best, taught you how to fish, and always had candy.
How does THAT turn into something unacceptable in today's society?
I was reminded of the song we used to sing as kids... "glory glory halaleujah, teacher hit me with the ruler, shot her in the butt with a rotten coconut now my teacher don't teach no more"
and another elementary school classic, "On top of old smokey all covered with blood I shot my poor teacher with a .44 slug...."
Now I didn't even know what that meant but it was hilarious. I loved school and all my teachers so it really had no relevance to me. I didn't grow up to be violent or disrespectful of life. In fact, once the "fad" was passed, I probably never thought about it again.
That said, my 12 year old son was singing a song about shooting up Barney the big purple dinosaur. I was mortified at first, then recognized why he and his buddies with little sisters to torture would find that supremely funny.
It's hard to define that line between "lightening up" and "setting a good example". Wherever that line is, count me out of "politically correct".
Gosh it's a good hub that gets people thinking AND laughing!
Excellent!
cindylangwho,
That line between "lightening up" and "setting a good example" is always moving. It's difficult to know what side you're on.
Thanks for the insights.
sschilke
Very funny - thanks for the good laugh.
Angela S,
Glad to oblige.
sschilke
working
Misha says:
3 months ago
ROFL! Even with my ESL. :)