Pros and Cons of Adopting Children

When it comes to becoming a parent most people who want their children and are ready for them don't see any "cons". Adoption is no different, as far as I'm concerned.

For reasons other than fertility problems, I adopted my first son from infancy. Five years later I gave birth to his baby brother, and three years after that my two cuties' sister was born.

As someone who has both adopted and biological children, I've found that there is no difference in my love for, or relationship with, any of my three children. Since I was more than ready to become a mother, I've never been anything but absolutely thrilled to be one. I just don't see any "cons" to it at all.

There are, though, a few minor differences that I've had to address as my eldest son's mother. I suppose the existence of those minor differences could be seen as a minor "con".

Here are a few comparisons I've made between being an adoptive mother and being a biological mother:

Nine months or not, it is far easier to create one's baby oneself. When you have your baby yourself you don't need to go through years of screening, worrying that you'll look cross-eyed at the wrong social worker and get another round of grilling initiated because of it. Having an adoption process hanging over your head for (sometimes) years is a worry. There's the worry that you could waste years, only to end up without the child. In my case, there was the absolute terror that the infant who had grown into a two-year-old would be taken from the only family he knew. This could be seen as a "con", but the "pro" side is that I had three years to think about how desperately I wanted to be his mother, how much I could offer him, and how I would never take him granted.

I had my second son after a second-trimester miscarriage, so when I was expecting him I lived worried that something would happen to him. I never feared for the life of my adopted son. He was all here and beautiful before I knew about him. (Pro) With my second son, after the months of being afraid something was wrong (because he barely ever moved), I had the frightening experience of delivering him at 35 weeks (Con). For his whole first two years I worried for one reason or another, watching his development and dealing with a tendency to have respiratory infections as premies often have (Con - it was frightening).

Both my second son and daughter involved labor and delivery (Con), but both labors only took an hour and half (Pro), as compared to the almost three years it took to finalize the adoption (Con).

With my eldest son there was the matter of trying to think of how and when I'd present the fact that he was adopted. (I chose the day he asked where babies come from, so it wasn't a big deal.) This issue was neither "Pro" nor "Con" - it just was how it was.

Because my adopted son had had a "history" (medical issues related to injuries as a newborn, as well as prenatal "issues"). This wasn't really a "Con" for me, but it was something to deal with. I needed to figure out how much of his "story" to tell him when, and I knew I had to share some truth because he had a medical history related to his negative beginnings, and a right to at least some information about it. You don't have this kind of thing to think about with biological children, so this one was a "Con". (How do you tell a child of any age an ugly story in a way that makes it sound less ugly, without making someone who doesn't deserve to be seen as a victim be seen as a victim?)

My eldest son had some mysterious learning problems from the time he began school. I now know that the cause was most likely related to his not feeling secure enough in early infancy, possibly having his life-long stress response "programmed" to over-respond, and having difficulty concentrating because of it. This understanding took me over 25 years to figure out, which didn't help him when he needed it. Watching him struggle with school, even though his intellect is good, was difficult. (Not a "Con" but not something I had with biological children, who enjoyed being two or more years ahead of grade-level and sailing through school, which is always a "Pro" for parents.)

While my son and I were both secure in our relationship, and while neither of us saw his adoption as huge factor, there was "The World" to deal with, and "The World" can be ignorant about adoption. (Con)

With my first son I always kind of worried that biological family may be lurking somewhere, planning to take him. (Con) I tried not to let that concern show, but I had a few years of having dreams of shadowy people showing up on my lawn. When a local newspaper photographed my son and his cousins on the sidewalk in front of the house I worried the man lied about who he was. When my son's name was in the paper for Little League or soccer I worried about who saw it. (Con)

Because I didn't want the school to be biased because my son was adopted (and there can be bias, trust me on that), I didn't tell anyone at the school. My younger children entered school after their brother. I knew there was a chance the school would look for problems with them, because of their brother's troubles; and I had to decide to accept that. All was well until my son was in eighth grade. After eight years of his struggling the principle at the school pointed his finger at me, raised his voice, and told me, "His school problems are YOUR fault!" That's when I finally told the truth, because after all my trying to find answers, fighting for my son's education, and watching him struggle; I was not about to be blamed for something that wasn't my fault.

That leads me to the fact that with an adopted child parents can often feel they are always trying to pick up the pieces. In my case, I was able to pick up most of the pieces - but there were still those pieces related to my son's prenatal environment and mistreatment as an infant that I couldn't do anything about it. (This was a heartbreaking "Con".)

Trying to figure out how much attention to give to the adoption fact was a challenge. I didn't want to sweep it under the rug and fail to acknowledge my son's personal reality. At the same time, I didn't want to turn his adoption into a bigger thing than it needed to be. I wanted him to feel the same as his siblings. After all, our relationship was the same. This was a fine-line type of thing that required a lot of thought. I would have loved it if I just could have ignored it and pretended it wasn't a reality, but I couldn't. (Con)

When he grew up there was the fear of what a possible reunion with the birth mother may do to him. (Con)

When he had his reunion there was the year or so of upheaval (for him, himself - not in our relationship by any means) it brought. Watching him go through that was awful (Con).

When my son was to meet his birth mother I wrote a card and put a small birthstone angel with it. She is of low income and Catholic, so I thought the little charm and card were a friendly gesture she wouldn't see as tacky. About three years later, on Mother's Day, my son gave me (as he always does) a card with most appropriate and carefully chosen words, and in the card was the angel he had never given to the woman who gave birth to him.

The card was one of those big, elaborate, expensive, cards; and the words were all about how he is what he is because of everything I've ever done. The verse included the thoughts that he is aware of that, and that he has always been aware of everything I've done and tried to do.

When my son was a baby, and the social worker asked me why I wanted to adopt him, I told her I wanted to make sure he had a wonderful childhood and every chance for a wonderful life. I knew I was pretty good with parenting skills and understanding children, and I knew the kind of childhood I could provide. I believed that with all my love and good sense and nurturing ability I would be able to wipe out any disadvantages of his birth and guarantee an wonderful and struggle-free life.

With his brother and sister my confidence proved to be well founded. All that love and hard work resulted in a son and daughter who haven't had to struggle to get wherever they want to be. Their older brother, however, has had a harder time, even though he clearly has benefitted from his childhood as well. It's just that when you have the babies yourself, and when they're healthy, all your love and efforts generally do result in people who don't have to struggle with a lot of things. With an adopted child who has had a particularly rough beginning, no matter how soon you become his mother or how big a difference you really do make, sometimes it just isn't possible to completely fix all the damage that was done. Living for a couple of decades with the hope that you can doesn't feel like a "Con" when you're doing it, but coming to the realization that you could only do so much can be a very rough thing to face - and that's, in a way, a "Con" (at least until you process it).

My son (the adopted one) is really whole in most ways. It's just that with my two younger kids I was able to have my impact on their life from before they were born. With my first son, there was the rough beginning to overcome; and sometimes the thing that kept me going was my belief that I could be a "miracle worker" and figure out what it would take to help him overcome his challenges. With some adopted children you just can't always do that. For the parent who only wants to make things alright for their child, not being completely able to do that is a "Con".

Yet, as I write this tonight, I think of my sons and my daughter - and end with the statement that - biological or adopted - there are no "Cons".