QUEENDOM OF QUIRKY

The Queendom of Quirky (or QOQ for short) is an odd, obscure, off-the-beaten track, out of the way sort of retreat for those who love odd, obscure, off-the-beaten track, out of the way sorts of things.

The only qualification for admission is a warm heart, a functioning funnybone, and an ability to laugh yourself silly. As for rules, well there are precious few thank goodness, other than perhaps to wave courteously and wink with abandon.

1. Jump up and greet the day with lots of ballyhoo and bunkum -- don't know what that means, consult a dictionary for pity's sake!
2. Visit the tinkle pantry, loo or place of ease to ponder about life in a fishbowl of course.
3. Put on some terrific togs, so you won't get arrested for prancing about in your birthday suit and scaring your pets or people at work.
4. Do some exercise, nothing too strenuous mind you ... how about pinky finger flexing?
5. Eat crumpets for breakfast, they're spungy pancakes with holes inthem.
6. Instead of taking the car to work, how about riding a tricycle or mounting a mule for a change.
7. Figure out 15 ways to smile...and if you can't, don't despair, send 15 emails to everyone one you know with a cheery "Have a Nice Day" and sign off with a smirky emoticon.
8. Play croquet every day...who says whacking balls around isn't fun? If you don't like coquet, how about a game of tiddlywinks - no I'm not kidding!
9. Engage in a bit of adventure: tip toe through the tulips, build a sandcastle, or go heffalump hunting.
10. Come home, chill out with a bit of bubbly, grab some finger food, and heckle those crazy characters on the evening boob tube sitcoms...who says you can't have fun!

You know you're living in the Queendom of Quirky when:

1. There are no stop signs...only bright green ones that read, "GO FOR IT!"

2. Everyone wears a crown, a halo or a figging big hat ...to celebrate the fact that they are now officially a 'head honcho', 'Queen Bee', or are part of a popular cream cheese angel fan club.

3. A heffalump greets you at the gate, and who else were you expecting?

4. Pig-latin is the official language...so better brush up on your barnyard sounds and sentences.

5. Everyone eats crumpets for breakfast, plays croquet at lunch, and consumes a bottle of "Two Left Feet" wine at dinner.