Quality in intimacy

For some reason (maybe because it is too much text) I could not post this as a comment to A. Jill's hub, so I decided to publish it as a hub itself.

I don't know if the men you describe are representative for the entire American male population and I am quite certain that I myself am not representative for the Dutch male population, but I do think that the American (political) attitude towards sex (at least as I perceive it) has got something to do with it. To me, this attitude appears to be hypocrite. One nipple of Janet Jackson on TV and the entire population is in shock, Janet has to crawl through the dirt and make her apologies. As if she has committed a violent crime. The human (especially the female) body has to remain obscured, sex is dirty. We all do it, but it must be kept private and done secretly. I think that the result is a distorted view on sex. In Holland the attitude has always been much more open and I wouldn't say that Dutch men are the most considerate in the world, but sex is treated as something to enjoy, together, rather than something that has to be hidden.

I agree with Jim: the way sex is presented by the media puts pressure on both male and female. Women magazines have put a lot of emphasis on the female pleasure, especially the orgasm. And there is a good side to that. Sex should be enjoyable for all those involved. But the downside is that both men and women feel incompetent if a woman doesn't get an orgasm. In the media sex has become a key element of any relationship; an element in which we must be skilled. We are obliged to master all techniques in order to please our partner. While there can be so much fun in (together) finding out just how your partner can be pleased. Each performance has become a match, a matter of winning or losing, scoring and we have forgotten just how much fun training can be.

We feel as if we're expected to peak, each and every time again. A real man will want every night. A real man will do ‘it' at least three times in a row. A real woman will please her man. A real woman will have multiple orgasms. Sex lasts for hours and hours.

At least, that's what Cosmopolitan, Men's Health and the porn industry want you to believe. Reality is different. Reality is that each individual is different. Reality is that not all women hit the ceiling if you just find their g-spot. Reality is that not every woman will cause a tsunami if the comes to an orgasm. Reality is that sex is not a race with a fantastic finish as its only satisfying goal.

Expect nothing and receive everything. Just give. Give and find the pleasure in that. Give and the reward will come. Find out what stimulates your partner, just because you want to find out. Kissing, licking, caressing; they're not just merely techniques to obtain a certain result. You should enjoy kissing your partner, should enjoy the kissing itself, not what comes from it. You should touch your partner, because you want to touch him or her and for no other reason. And then the rest will follow. You'll discover the other and you'll discover yourself. And just by doing so, you will get closer to each other.

Sex is not about getting results. It's not about reaching a goal. Enjoy the journey; enjoy taking a wrong turn at times. Enjoy each other.