Queen of Returns

Our over 55 retirement community runs a weekly "shopping bus" for the benefit of the residents. I suppose it may have been intended for people who have given up their cars due to age, and certainly some people use it for that, but it's also a social occasion: it's just more fun to go with other people.

My wife Linda is known to her other shopping bus companions as "The Queen of Returns". That's because she's always hauling something back to some store. Once she returned seven year old paint to Sears - yes, they took it back, and without a receipt. If I tried that stunt, they probably would have thrown me out of the mall, but she gets away with it.

Most of her returns are just something she bought the week before and has changed her mind about.. but she does change her mind pretty often. Sometimes it is legitimate: she's brought three different sizes home for me to try on, or a color didn't match as she wants it to - so back it goes.

Maybe that's most of it, but I still like to tease her about changing her mind. That's especially fun for the very rare times when she buys something, returns it, and then buys it again. I live for those days.

To have items to return, there must have been purchases. Linda is no slouch in that area either, hunting down bargains, taking advantage of coupons.. if I had just half the money she has saved me over the years.. but no, why would she give it to me? I'd just spend it foolishly.

I'll never shop there again!

For Linda, the most hateful offense is a store that will only give her a merchandise credit. She gets especially annoyed if the sign that states that policy was easy to miss. She doesn't notice it, buys something, and comes back later to return it. What, she can't get her money back? Sulphurous fumes pour out her ears... well, no, be she gets pretty upset, mostly at herself for not seeing the sign. "There's nothing else I want!" she'll lament, waving the useless merchandise credit in the air.

Two bucks - any good?

Around our house, a code phrase that indicates a bargain was found is "Two bucks - any good?". This comes from hundreds of conversations with her sister where Linda would explain that she had found such and such article, normally ten dollars or more, for the bargain price of two dollars. Her sister, of course, would ask "Any good?", which was meant to draw out an assessment of quality. So now when Linda brings home a shopping trophy, I'll just ask "Two bucks - any good?", and she'll say "Yes", which means she got a great bargain.

Linda's shopping does sometimes reach extremes though. When our grown daughter examined our cupboard and asked why there were more than a dozen cans of a certain brand and flavor of soup, Linda explained "I had to buy it - it kept being on sale!"

But she really does save us money and she is good at it. She'll often come home and pull something out with a flourish: "Originally Forty Five dollars, but half off. Then I had a ten dollar coupon and another 20% off coupon AND a senior discount - so, EIGHT BUCKS! Pretty good, right?"

Yes, pretty darn good, I'd say.

Ms. Cost is No Object

I don't mean to give the false appearance of an overly frugal woman. For example, she once negotiated the reupholstering of our couch. She explained to the upholsterer that she wanted the fabric pattern to be perfectly matched throughout. She's fussy like that.

The upholsterer warned that it would cost more money to ensure perfect matching as it would require both more time and more material. Most people don't notice small mis-alignments and are not willing to pay for perfection.

Linda retorted "Cost doesn't matter!" Now, I know what she meant: cost does matter, but if she wants something done a particular way, she's willing to pay more money to get what she wants. I understand, and agree, but that doesn't stop me from introducing her as "My wife, Ms. Cost is No Object".

She takes the same approach to food. We think healthy food is important and prefer organic when we can get it. She's willing to pay more, of course, although that can be so expensive that we do sometimes have to make compromises. But she doesn't come home with week old bread and brag about the cost!

Other talents

She has other shopping talents. I'm sure some of my older readers remember the time before credit cards when we had to pay everything with cash or checks. The youngsters may have just jerked to attention: what, no credit cards??

Correct: credit cards were not commonly accepted except at hotels and restaurants when we were young pups. Even as they started to become popular, many stores resisted because of the extra cost to them. In those days, you always carried cash and your checkbook.

You needed cash because some stores wouldn't take your check unless you were a local resident. That never seemed to bother my wife. In spite of large signs proclaiming the "local checks only" policy, and the inevitable add-on of "No Exceptions!" in large, bold print, Linda seemed to be able to write checks to pay for any of her purchases in any town, even when we were in another State. I have always wondered what magic she used for that trick.

Well, those days are gone. It's all credit cards now - Linda still carries her checkbook, but hates to use it. After all, her checkbook doesn't pay cash back rewards. She's always right on top of that too, telling me which credit card to use for gasoline this month because it's 5% back right now. When I forget, and we only get the ordinary 1%, she looks at me with pity. How could I forget - it's 5%!

I forget because I am not The Queen of Returns.

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