As many of you may already know, I am a single mother of four children, and I am also a depression sufferer.  I have been doing my very best to raise my children and give them the love and attention they deserve, but everyday day is an uphill battle.   Although my life has gone through some major changes over the last few months- mostly for the good; I have still been struggling to be the best mother that I can be.

MY DEPRESSIVE EPISODES

I suffer from a condition known as major depression with bipolar tendencies.  I also have panic and anxiety disorders.  The diseases are almost completely oppostie each other.  When I have a fit of depression, I sleep.  I hate to get out of bed, and I hurt all over.  I try to do for my kids, but it is a struggle.  I cook for them, make sure they are fed, and go back to bed.  I know this is hard on my kids, and I try to make it up to them when I am feeling better by taking more time with them.

When I have a panic attack, I get irritated easily.  I am short tempered- which doesn't really mean much since I don't have much of a temper anyway.  My anxiety attacks are different.  It is fear not anger that moves me.  I break out in rashes and cry a lot.

I know that these different episodes are a lot for children to take in, but I do my best to make it work out for them.  I am not doing so well with that right about now.

LIFE CHANGES

Up until July, I lived with a wonderful man who took the brunt of my episodes.  Although most of my symptoms ceased after about three months of our living together, I would still get a little panicky from time to time.  I was ding so much better.

After three years, we had decided that it was time to start making plans to get  married to get married.  I was so in love with him. He was a wonderful man who provided for my kids as though they were his own.  Just being with him helped soothe a lot of the fears that had been troubling me. 

You see, ever since my first child was born, I had been insecure as a mother.  My parents were always telling me that I was not doing things right by my child, and that left a impression.  I was already suffering from depression, and here I was a 20 year old single mother subject to ridicule every time I moved.  Yeah that helped.  Then my father took sick, and I was left as sole provider for my family. 

I worked five days a week- often 10 to 12 hours a day.  I would hang out with friends on the weekend, but with a child, I had to be sure to choose my friends wisely.  I made friends with a co-worker and would spend time with her at her house often taking my daughter along.  My parents would talk down to me about not taking her along and then talk down to me about taking her.  I was caught between a rock and a hard place.  Then after two years of living with my parents, I married my daughter's father.  I was happy to be in my own place but miserable to married to this man.  He was not the best choice of husband, but he was the father of my child.  We had another child, and a year later, he left.

This threw me into another fit of depression.  Luckily, my best friend was there to help me through.  He and I became involved, and I soon found that he was in need of a place to live.  I let him live with me.  We had a son together, and then we got married.  Again, I had not made the best choice in husbands.  He was a great friend, but he had not been mature enough to be a husband.  I stick with him for as long as I could so that he would have a place to stay without having to go back to his family who mistreated him- he was legally blind and they were not very nice. 

Needless to say that over the course of our marriage, my depression grew deeper and deeper until I finally decided that I could take no more.  I locked my bedroom door and swallowed down a bottle of prescription pain killers and chased it with a few aspirin.  He found me and took me to the hospital.  The painkillers were low dose and there had only been ten in the bottle so all that did was get me high and leave me with a splitting headache for a few days.  I was put on anti-depressants.

LET"S BACK UP A LITTLE

I had been having anxiety attacks since I was in my early teens, but the panic disorder was something new to me.  They began right after I found out that I was pregnant with my third child.  I almost miscarried him because I would have these panic attacks and do things that I knew I should not have been doing like moving furniture because I thought it fall on my other children or pick up other heavy objects because I did not know it was too heavy for me.  My attacks made me stronger than I normally am.  I started going into pre-mature labor in my sixth month and the doctor put me on bed rest after that. Then  I started waking up at night fearing that I was on fire or was under attack. I would panic while driving down the highway thinking that an oncoming car was trying to run me off the road.  After my suicide attempt, these episodes began to come more often.

AGAIN AND AGAIN

I tried two more times to overdose and die.  The third time was almost the one that took me in.  I swallowed down a whole month's supply of blood pressure medication.  My pressure dropped so low that the doctors had feared that I would not pull through.  I spent a few days in the intensive care unit of my local hospital, then some more days in larger hospital in the suicide watch center, and finally a couple of weeks in a mental health facility. I came out of there stronger and less eager to put up with putting myself out to please others.  I felt guilty about my new found independence and found myself back in the facility again a few weeks later, but when I was released this time, I was different.

I left my husband. I finally woke up and realized that he was using his disability to keep me with him even though he was a lying, cheating, selfish,arrogant... sorry, I get mad about him.  I took my kids and we stayed in a shelter for a while.  Then we moved in with my "Adam".  WE had known each other for a little while.  He was a good man that had fallen down on his luck after a bad break-up with a cheating spouse.  We helped each other through our tough times, and found a love in each other that could stand the tests of time.

ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE

My daughter had been my biggest help through my depression.  She always knew how to make me smile when I didn't feel like smiling.  She didn't take too well to my newfound happiness.  I was away from my oppressive family.  I was symptom free of my illnesses. I was doing more in the way of being a mother.  I had someone there to help me with the children, and I could stay home instead of working nine or more hours day.  Life was good.

Then one day, my daughter's rebelliousness got too much to bear.  After three years of trying to be patient with her in hopes that she would come around,I found myself faced with an impossible situation,

I took my kids and moved back into my parents house.  I was there two days before all my symptoms returned,  I struggle everyday to try and keep my head up, but I am finding it harder and harder with each passing day.  With my parents constantly telling me that I am not being a good mother and my daughter still rebelling against me as a mother, I am just not finding it easy to be the person that I was.

A SILVER LINING

After months of feeling down and out, I finally took the time to do something for myself.  I wrote a book, I made friends, I rekindled old friendships, and I started taking time out for me.  I'm still struggling through some things.  My "Adam" and I took a step back and we are dating, but I am suffering from more symptoms with each passing month.  I am back to taking my anti-depressants.  I want to go to counseling, but my family is against that sort of stuff.  They always tell me that if I had Jesus in my life, I would not be going through this sort of stuff.  My kids need counseling, but I cannot get them the help that need either because of my living situation.  I cannot afford to move out because I am spending my money here trying to keep a roof over my kids head and make sure that they things to keep them occupied so that my parents won't be complaining that the kids are in their way.  I am working on making life better for me and my kids.

NOTHING MORE TO DO

I have tried all I know to try to make my family life the kind of life that my kids deserve.   I have given more to my kids than to myself, but I am still not sure what else I can do.  I am a depressed mother of four who has no place to go.  I have tried and failed in gaining my daughter's love and respect.  There is nothing more that I know to do.  I just take one day at a time, and pray that life will get better as I get better.  I still have days where tears burn my eyes, and I get too sick to get out of bed.  I still break out in rashes that itch so bad that I scratch the skin way trying to get relief.  I still go days without eating because the smell of food makes me sick, but I try.  That is all that I can do.

I share this because I needed to.  My heart is overflowing with sadness at this very moment, and with no where else to turn, I share my story with others who may know of someone going through a similar situation.  I am not a professional in the field of depression or child-rearing.  I am just a lost mother trying to find her way.

Tootles.