Raising Teens WithOut Your Hair Raising
69
Teen Angel???
More Teens
Where Where Where?
Here, Connie Francis
Parent - Teen Conflict
Teens, Tempers, and Turmoil
Well, it doesn't have to be that way. But, what do parents do, when it is?
Teens are tough to raise, it's tough times, and we have to be strong, ready, prepared. Armed, even. No, no, not that kind of "armed." Don't shoot 'em. Knowledge, information, and humor are all powerful armor.
I don't know everything, but after 250 kids walked through my home for the last 20 years, I've learned a few things and boy, would I do some things differently, if I had a chance.
I would:
- Utilize conflict resolution - Teach it, use it, speak it, do it.
- Let the kids practice anger management techniques, daily - Even for just 5 minutes. Little pearls of wisdom.
- Keep all kids busy- So busy, they would love that hour of solitude built into the evening routine.
- Embrace the community - What's around you? Get the kids involved outside the home.
- Spend time with each child - At least 30 minutes in the evening and 5 minutes in the morning. Even just those few minutes make a difference.
- Listen - The best part of communication, is listening and positive body language.
- Be involved with the kids and their hobbies and interests.
- Help them develop hobbies and interests - Are they bored? Develop family activities that stretch them, like flying a kite, or going to a museum, or library, or anything they enjoy.
- Laugh more- Laugh loud, laugh long.
- Keep rules simple - Make them public and go over them frequently - Post them in the home.
- Hold Family Meetings - Start today. Plan it, keep it simple, but do it. Family meetings prevent tons of trouble and build lasting connections.
- Supervise peer contacts - No teen deserves total privacy, be nosey.
- Keep peers or friends to a minimum. I know, we say "Kids need their friends." WRONG. Kids need their families. Why do you want another 14 year old influencing your 14 year old more than you do?
- Teach peace - If you're yelling a lot, what will the kids do?
- Teach service - Do things for others, even those you are not quite so fond of. Many teens will say things like "I'm not doing that for them, I don't even like them." Show them why service is important, and how it helps the one serving.
- Demonstrate love and forgiveness - Not everything deserves a life-sentence of punishment.
- Demonstrate fairness - Be fair, and ask for it back.
- Take time for myself, but remember you don't get "do-overs" when raising kids. Do it right, they'll be gone soon.
- Teach sacrifice - Too many kids are growing up selfish and self-centered.
- Plan home chores and yard work - Share these activities with the kids and let them see and be part of the home engine.
Bonus Tip: Teach abstinence. Ok, quit laughing. Teens are smart. They could say no. (Couldn't they??) Talk, and be real about sex. Kids have choices, they are smart, help them make the right choice. If they can't talk to you about it, who? Be strong, you can talk to them about sex. You must.
Teens are people, too. Get your respect and authority (you know, the "bluff") in early. Don't use violence, but use persuasion and intelligence. Talk soft when you want to yell. Spend more time with them when they want you to be gone, when they are at their worst, they need you the most.
Know their teachers, coaches, instructors.
Let your kids be themselves. They are not a reflection of the life we did not have. Love them, and understand it does get better with time.
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Comments
Hi bingskee...you're right, each teen is unique, as are adults. It's a good idea to be flexible and prepared to mee their needs, as they arise. I discouraged my kids from measuring, tho' they still did it to an extent. If everyone's needs are met, then what does "they got more" mean? I would have lots of discussions with even first graders in my class as they said "they got more than me..." I'd tease them and say "Why did you look?" LOL If we measure, we'll always think we came up short. Teens and any aged kid really, loves to be "heard." Listening is key, I bet you're a great parent!!! =)))
Hi Marisue,
I can see you have much expertise and patience in raising teens. Not sure I could be up for it, but I am glad to see their are some great parents out there like you :).
Thank you. I have to teens - one 19 and one 14. So I really appreciate the advice. Sometimes I wish they were little again.
Hi SweetiePie, we had some "hair-raising" days!!! It's not easy parenting teens, some of course are easier than others, but it's not easy being a teen, either. I share the tips about keeping them busy as one of the most important things that helps, that and keep the lines of communication open. Often parents are so busy, that when their kids are teens, it's easy to look the other way, thinking everything is fine until all of a sudden there's a habit or crisis that is of concern.
=)) life is very hard now for parents and kids alike, we aren't perfect, and can only do our best. things happen....=)))
Hi readabook; thank you for reading and hope this helps...we can only do our best...and I hear ya, I'd love to have my kids little again...so sweet. =)))
#13 hit close to home! That's exactly the way I feel about my teenage son...I always tell him that the privileges/liberties his friends may have, have nothing to do with our family's morals, values, etc.
Hi Innovator820 - we can't raise our kids in isolation, but we can minimize friends or at least monitor and be more involved. Peer pressure is so powerful, the more we can filter it, the better our kids will be. When kids learn to pick and choose, they make better choices as adults.
It's not easy, though, Friendships are important, and quickly become too much so. =)) thanks so much for reading and commenting!! =))
Marisue, I've recently seen two boys crossing through their teens and into their early twenties. The youngest is now 18. Oh boy ... what a learning experience it has been. Each child is different, and requires careful individual communication and handling. Yes, one has to make the basic rules at home abundantly clear, and one has to discipline oneself too to follow them. They learn more by observing the parents than by listening to them. One has to know when to check them and point out a misdemeanour and when to turn a blind eye to a minor infraction. Most importantly they must understand that even though you might appear to be from some bygone era, you mean the best by them.
At times it is so frustrating to be dealing with such insensitive and uncaring youngsters, and at other times they bring you so much joy and happiness by their thoughtful actions and deeds ... one just has to play it by the ear and be as open as possible with them.
Humor and laughter can be the best medicine - provided one can think up something witty at that moment when one is at the wits end. :)
Hi Jaspal - I wish there were one magic formula, but I think it boils down to desire, awareness, flexibility, and time. Be there, be square, and be positive and forgiving.
Sometimes, you just live on hope and faith, the wings of a prayer. The world's influence is such a negative one, we have to train ourselves and our kids how to see the good.
Yep, laugher is the best medicine!!! =))) thank you for coming by and come back soon!!! =))
Great advice, Marisue! I've noticed a lot of changes in my 16 yr old daughter now that I've given her more indepedence. Some of the changes I like, but some of them I don't. Communication is the key. We sit down and talk about it.
ggod!! talking & understanding is the road to peace...=)) thank uuuuuu
When it comes to tempers and turmoil, the teen is living as much in her own head with her pain and confusion as she is living outside it, looking to see what reaction she's going to get from her parents. Although never willing to admit it, she's looking for guidance from her parents, guidance which is given not by what her parents say, but by how her parents manage their own tempers and turmoil...how they behave under emotional stress (much more eloquently said by Jaspal, "They learn more by observing the parents than by listening to them.").
There is nothing as inflammatory to parents as a teen acting out directly at her parents, taking the initiative to draw the battle lines between herself and them. The parents can let their buttons get pushed by this and lash out just as the teen is doing, or not. If they don't let their buttons get pushed, and instead lead by example into a positive direction, then they've taught their teen (and themselves) a valuable lesson about living in this world.
Nicely put and well emphasized, Sally's Trove! Self-control and sticking to our own values and being true to what we want to see in our kids is our only sensible choice. I've said a million times, that I have to be the parent and person I feel is important, whether my kids are behaving "correctly" or not. I do what I do, because it's right even in the middle of wrong.
It's not easy, - it's easier to lose your temper and be the worse of what is happening which puts the situation on the fast road to nowhere.
Kids see what we do, and turn a deaf ear to what we say...at least for the moment. If we remain constant, our chances of teaching are good.
In the middle of the battle, it is disheartening but we can predict outcomes if we remain calm - and that's a parent's job. =)) Hm....did I fail or succeed?
Both.
Wise words indeed!
I wish I would have read this ten years ago!! Great Advice.
dori
Hi Good Cook, and fortunerep, welp, by the time we've got what to do down, raising kid time is up!!! LOL That's why we make such good grandparents, We get to really stop and smell the roses then!!
Teens are difficult, but some just sail through! Wouldn't it be great to know what makes the difference? Man, it'd be super to bottle that!!!
=)) Gotta love 'em and stay awake!! LOL
Mariesuewrites!
Wonderul hub! You have given some excellent suggested principles that will go a long way in raising teens! As you so well stated: "Teens are people, too. Get your respect and authority (you know, the "bluff") in early. Don't use violence, but use persuasion and intelligence. Talk soft when you want to yell. Spend more time with them when they want you to be gone, when they are at their worst, they need you the most. Know their teachers, coaches, instructors"
It is always important that you remember they are individuals with different temperaments. They learn more by what you do rather than what you say! You have certainly provided a wealth of information and I know firsthand it does work! Again Wonderful hub!
Thank You for sharing!
You are a marvelous foster parent!
Blessings!
Great hub. I have two kids, the elder, a daughter, sailed through to adulthood and I never knew it. The younger a son, now 18, is still finding his feet. Hair raising definitely! Don't know how you manage with so many kids. You must be having a lot of patience !
bingskee says:
7 months ago
i think there is no exact formula for each teenager. they vary from one teenager to another.
i have two teenagers and i agree it is not easy to raise them. one is too tough and the other is too soft. i give what each needs because i believe we can't give equally because of their differences in traits and preferences.
to have a laugh with them is an ok formula, and also to listen and engage to what they take interest in.