Central Ohio Barbies

These were all emailed to me by a friend with short captions and I added some thoughts. Have you seen any of these Barbies? They begin with the weathy suburbs and work their way into the innermost urban areas of Central Ohio. No offense is meant to any group of people!

The Dublin Barbie

This Barbie is sold only on the square in Dublin or Powell, Ohio. Thsi Barbie comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog, and a large cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck, face lift, and DaVinci Veneers.

Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

New Albany Barbie

This one is a Yuppie Barbie with a BMW convertible or a Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, a credit card, and a country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.

They are out of your price range.

German Village Barbie and Ken

German Village is a ritzy area just south of downtown Columbus where the bungalows go for $1 million. Many of the weathy gay community have moved to German Village.

The caption I received goes like this: " This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts."

My apologies to the gay community.

Reynoldsburg Barbie

This pale Barbie is dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo. She carries a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate Flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

My apologies to the Confederacy (LOL)

Hilliard Barbie

This is a Homemaker Barbie that comes with a Ford Windstar Minivan and a matching gym outfit to take her kids to soccer practice in -- maybe karate and dance lessons too. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Her traffic jamming cell phone is sold separately.

Hilliard was once the fastest-gowing area in the whole United States. We don't know what happened.

Grove City Barbie

This is getting closer to downtown Columbus, just off to the west side.

This is a tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Grove City Barbie's House. Her ensemble includes the low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Whitehall Barbie

From just east of downtown, this recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills), unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

My apologies to the Mayor of Whitehall, a wonderful lady.

Grandview and Clintonville are what we call "inner suburbs" -- Both are its own town surrounded by the gowing Columbus metropolis. Interestingly, every Saturday morning there is a Farmer's Market on High Street in Clintonville. At the same time, the Republicans and Democrats line up on opposite corners at one intersection with their political placards and yell at one another. Motorists honk in agreement. It truly is free speech at work, though!

Grandview/Clintonville Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She may not need or want a Ken doll. You may purchase two Grandview Barbies and receive an optional Subaru wagon.

Columbus Urban Barbie

This Barbie omes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and a bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Additional infant dolls optional.