Re: How many years, should I wait to get married?

In my opinion, there is no blanket "right age" to get married. My grandmother got married on her 18th birthday, my mother was 21, I'm 20 and though I'd like to think I'm already dating the man I'll spend the rest of my life with, I don't see myself getting hitched for at least another five to seven years! It all depends on who you are personally and your goals in life. You have to ask yourslef some important questions: What do you want to achieve in terms of your job? Where do you want to settle down? What is your financial situation? Do you want children? How long have you been dating your potential spouse? How do you think you will benefit from the legal and symbolic union of marriage?

At this point my 19-year-old boyfriend and I have agreed on one major decision: we are not going to even think seriously about marriage until both of us are out of school, or at the least college. Until then, marriage just doesn't fit out lifestyle. Sure we've "settled down" in terms dating now that we're in an exclusive, committed relationship that we intend to maintain for years to come, but in terms of lifestyle we are far from ready to actually settle down. I still have a year and a half of college left, and he has at least 3. Then there's the question of do we want to go to graduate school? More importantly, what about getting a job? Who knows how successful we'll be with the way the job market is these days, (especially for me in my chosen venue--the theater). Now, I know there are different ways of doing things, but my personal feeling is I want to be well grounded in my career path, or at least plans, before saying "I do."

I feel like this should go without saying, especially with that annoying "Free Credit Report Dot Com" commercial about the guy who lives in his wife's parents' basement, but I have a feeling this is something some people might overlook. Are you and your potential spouse financially independent, or do you still get loans from your parents on a frequent basis? This goes partly hand in hand with my theories about having a steady job, but even with a job sometimes credit history can hurt someone. I'm not saying you shouldn't get married JUST because you or your significant other has bad credit, but it may be a reason you'd choose to put it off for a while.

Also, I feel it important to consider both your and your SO's "real-world readiness." Have either of you lived on your own (as in somewhere other than your parents' house or a dorm room) before? If so for how long? Do you both have checking accounts, credit cards, etc. and know how to responsibly use them? You'd be surprised how sheltered some people can be, even into their 20s. As of now, my boyfriend has nothing more than a savings account. You can be sure that's something I'm waiting to see changed before we take our relationship to the next level. This is especially important to consider if you are the more responsible one of the relationship. Sure, you could be the one in charge (you'll always have the peace of mind to know things get done if you're the one to do them) but do you really want to handle everything, and if you can't do you want to be the one teaching your spouse how to be a responsible, self-reliant adult? No matter how much you love someone, that can get old fast.

It is a well known fact nowadays that you don't have to be married to have children and not be wholly ostracized by society; however the norm is to be married first. Also, there is nothing that says you have to have children if you get married. You should however come to some agreement about having children with your spouse, but that is a topic for another hub entirely.

If you do want to have children, you have to ask yourself when you think it makes sense for YOU to do so. This could dictate how soon you want to get married. If you've wanted nothing more than to start a family ever since you were 12 years old, then maybe you want to tie the knot sooner than later. If you're more career-focused, like me, you may want to wait until your 30s. That doesn't mean you shouldn't get married now even if you want to wait a few years to have your own little ones, but it certainly can mean you don't have to rush.

I have a friend who holds to the belief that all relationships are doomed to fail eventually, so might as well get married young since you'll divorce him in 12 to 20 years anyway. Personally, I have a little more faith in long-term relationships, but it is something to keep in mind. Another theory I've heard states that as long as you remain friends and you don't both fall out of love at the same time, you're set. Perhaps, but I'm only 20 so I have yet to personally experience whether or not that is true.

It may sound silly to bring up, but a huge question some people disregard in deciding "how old should I be when I get married?" is do you even have a significant other? This is one reason why I find it silly when young people say "oh, I'm going to get married at age 25, then have three kids by the time I'm 30, blah blah blah." Life doesn't work like that. Love doesn't work like that. You can't just snap your fingers and make your life partner appear before you. You have to date. Go through some trail and error. Find out who you are and what you want in a partner and in a relationship. Marriage isn't something you should do just to do it; you should have someone you want to spend a good portion, if not the rest, of your life with. You should know who they are well enough to guess whether or not you'll still be able to stand each other in 5, 10, 40 years. Maybe spend some time living with them before you get married. You never know how life will be living with someone until you try it. You need to make sure your relationship can last, before you end up divorced with 2 kids who suddenly don't have faith in lasting relationships anymore.

Think ahead. You could save yourself some future pain if you do.