I hope you like this latest batch of emails and pictures from my archives that are designed to make you laugh. I loved them when I first received them, which is why I saved them for future use and to spread the laughter around.

Enjoy :)

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college. "

*****

ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

*****

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

 AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss wouldn't allow me to take leave. I thought maybe if I acted a bit "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made some funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her I was being a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

She said : . . "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

 The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

 "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

 "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again.

The seamstress replied, "No"The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "YES."

The lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is untrue!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS. THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT.

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bxstxrds!"

An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

 From March 2006 Viagra will only be available under it’s chemical name. Please ask your chemist for “mycoxaflopin”.