Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage
85Rebuilding Trust after an Affair
Tips on Rebuilding Trust within the Marriage
You felt that your life has suddenly become like a movie-complete with the drama and the emotional difficulties accompanying the aftermath of an affair. It seems like an unreal nightmare. When the dust settles, and the two of you decide the marriage is worth saving, steps will need to be taken to rebuild the relationship. Besides committing to doing your best to preserve it, what can you do to make the love between you grow again? Here are some tips that you can follow in rebuilding trust, and ultimately, rebuilding your marriage.
-Resolve to let go of the past. You have gone through the pains of digging through the events of the affair. Quit making museum trips and resolve to live in the present. Rather, both of you needs to work things out to make things better. If you keep on bringing up the past, you will end up discouraging the efforts of your spouse to work out your marriage and make things better.
-Have fun with each other. Many times the couple has forgotten how to have fun. When two people do not enjoy each others company, it makes it difficult to work together, much less trust each other.
-Do some new things with each other. Many times, there is a special openness in relationships when couples do things for the first time. When both of you do something that neither one of you has done before, then neither one has the edge. With it being a new experience, that neither of you has done before, it creates a ‘primacy experience’. Such first time experiences tend to stick with us.
-Spend spiritual time with each other. In the aftermath of an affair, each of you needs healing. The relationship needs healing. When there is a spiritual oneness, then emotional oneness is easier to accomplish. Try to find common spiritual ground. Pray together, go to a religious site together, read spiritual material together. These things can serve to unite the two of you on a level that was not there before. You need a common goal, and such actions can provide it.
-Value each other’s secrets. Even when you are mad, do not share the secrets your spouse has shared with you. When they realize that you may be upset with them, yet you value their confidences, it provides a place to start rebuilding trust.
-Spend time with each other. It is hard to rebuild trust if you do not spend time with each other. Couples need to spend time talking and just being with each other. Often, they isolate themselves from the very people that they need in their lives.
-Make room for your spouse. During the rebuilding, there is often some uncertainty concerning where the relationship stands. It will be important to make your message clear and unambiguous. In the event you want them back, make room for them. Make space in your schedule for them and make space in the home for them as well. No one wants to feel useless or unwanted.
-Forgive and Forget. It is never easy to ask for forgiveness. The guilt and shame can easily blow you away. Pride can also get in the way. If asking forgiveness is difficult, how much more is the act of forgiving? Yet, forgiveness is important if both of you want to rebuild your marriage.
These tips are simple enough yet will require commitment from both of you. It takes two to tango, after all; and marriage is a difficult tango to dance. If you have ever danced the tango, you also know that the longer your practice it with your partner, the better you get at it.
Resources for rebuilding your marriage
- The Affair Recovery System
Your marriage does not have to end due to an affair. If you want to save your marriage, you can access powerful tools that will help you recover from what happened and begin turning your marriage around. - Marriage Counseling
Help is only a click away. You do not have to keep on hurting after the devastation of an affair. Evening hours and telephone access make help closer than before. - Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair?
Is your marriage worth saving? Do you want to know what steps you can take to salvage what has been damaged? You can begin transforming your marriage today. - Forgiveness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
- Forgiveness Quotes | Forgiveness Quotations | Forgiveness Sayings ...
- Forgiveness, Psychology, and Mental Health
- CrossRoads Counseling of the Rockies
Spritual Resources for Couples
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Growing love in Christian Marriage
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A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage
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Christian Marriage and Family
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Making Your Husband Feel Loved: 20 Christian Women Share Their Secrets for a Fresh & Exciting Marriage
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Resources for rebuilding marriages
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The DNA of Relationships (Smalley Franchise Products)
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If Only He Knew: What No Woman Can Resist
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For Better or for Best
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Men's Relational Toolbox
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Blog on Overcoming Affairs
- Is there such a thing as a good affair?
When in the midst of an affair, those involved often excuse their behavior. They use any report, claim, suggestion or advice they find to support their actions. During this time, they play up their happiness, even going so far as to say they have a right to be happy. If they were honest, it would [...] - 2 days ago
- Do married women have affairs?
Recently I was asked whether married women have affairs. The answer is yes, some do have affairs. The questioner also wanted to know “What percentage of married women have affairs?”. This is a difficult question to provide a concrete answer to. The studies that have been done have reported a wide range of answers. In [...] - 3 days ago
- The two most important questions after an affair
In dealing with the traumatic damage often inflicted by affairs, spouses often have to face the question “What is my marriage worth?”. Put another way, “What is my spouse worth?”. Although those struggling with the affair may put off facing the question, sooner or later, it must be answered. If not answered at the time [...] - 4 days ago
- Betraying a child’s trust
When a young child turns to their parent and with tear filled eyes asks “Why did mommy leave us?” it leaves parents stunned. Although affairs hurt the spouses, the damage it inflicts on families and children often last longer than many parents can imagine. Being abandoned by a parent leaves scars. It hurts even worse [...] - 6 days ago
- Obsessions and Affairs
Obsessions and affairs often found in each others company. It is common for a spouse to obsesses and fantasize about an affair prior to one happening. In many cases, they have to obsess as a way to work up the nerve to initiate the affair. In those cases, there is a discomfort about the affair [...] - 10 days ago
- Can my marriage be saved?
The emotion filled question “Can my marriage be saved?” is often asked by hurting spouses. My response to their question ranges from heartbroken pain to being appalled. The question is one that seeks for validation and hope regarding their relationship. It is as if those hurting couples are wanting the counselor to give them permission [...] - 2 weeks ago
Comments
Evan Angel,
The failure to recognize the spiritual side of relationships is one of the main contributing factors to affairs. If the spiritual oneness is taken care of, couples would pick up signals of distance and seperation WAY before an affair occurs. When the oneness is there, the likelihood of an affair is lessened significantly. Thanks for your encouraging words.
Thumbs up to you JD. Great article and very informative tips. :)
Drop by at my hub when you get some time.
Beth,
Thanks for your kind words. Encouraging each other in building strong marriages helps all of us.
thank u for your info on rebuilding my relationship
if any other things come up please email me at petey12watts@yahoo.com
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Evan Angel says:
15 months ago
Hi JD,
Excellent article and advice on restoring a marriage after an affair. I agree with what you said about spending spiritual time with one another. Too many people fail to realize that marriage is a spirtual union as well as an emotional and legal one.
Evan