Intellectually, we might all agree that having an affair is not a good thing to do. It is costly—financially, emotionally, spiritually, and socially. Yet people still do it from time to time.

Many factors need to be considered when an affair has been committed. In fact, you may even be as surprised as your spouse when you learned that you already have a full-blown affair. The intense emotions aroused in an affair have a way of blinding people to what is actually occurring. You love your partner but you suddenly found yourself into a situation that could potentially harm yourself, your family and your reputation. There are the feelings of shame, excitement, disappointment, anger, regret and helplessness all at the same time.

You confessed and you were forgiven. Although you feel relieved, there are still problems. You notice that things are not the same. You have broken your partner’s trust and it will take time for you to earn such trust again. Although you are doing what you know to be the right things, it never seems to be enough. A mistake in judgment occurred, you confessed and are now confused because things have not gone back to the way they were before. You may be wrestling with guilt and shame concerning the affair and its aftermath. Now is the time to take concrete actions to rebuild your marriage and re-earn your partner’s trust.

Show your spouse that you have changed. They will be looking for signs of it. They know that talk is cheap, so they are looking for action.

Be willing to hear them out. Listen to what they say and the feelings behind it WITHOUT interrupting or correcting them. Hear them out before you speak up.

Small things such as letting him or her know where you are and what your plans are will help him know you are sincere.

Be honest with them, both factually and emotionally. When being honest, do so out of love and not out of vindictiveness.

Be consistent in your efforts. They want someone they can depend on. Showing them that you can be depended on goes a long way to improving the trust.

Spend some time with the children. Fulfill your husbandly or wifely responsibilities.

Spend time with them. Let them be able to cry with you, without you interrupting them.

Be willing to go places and do things that are important to them.

Whenever you say or promise anything, make sure that you deliver. Deliver the promises to both the children and your spouse.

These small acts of kindness are a way to begin the transformation. They have an additive effect and will multiply. This will start a firm rebuilding of the trust that was lost.