Recovery: The Evolution of Resentment

Resentment is the No. 1 offender. This fact circles within my brain on an almost continuous basis. Like a never-ending Daytona 500, competing ideas and truths vie for the lead in their quest for exclusivity. Resentments, however, are those unsportsmanlike figures who, instead of trying to win the race, focus entirely on knocking the first-rate off the course. It's somewhat of a conundrum that the strong and brave are subject to hazing bestowed by the weak and cowardly.

The solution seemingly steers all understanding in the direction of creating that necessary separation between friend and foe. Disqualification of unhealthy ideas and the dismissal of reckless behaviors create a safe environment for fair drivers to thrive (as they should). Nothing short of a miracle would be required to achieve such mastery in my brain. For all the suffering I have endured at the hands of Resentment, there in lies a deeper struggle in my quest to force the perpetrators off the track.

What I've realized in recent days is the evolution to Resentment from its infant form: Pride. I write about Pride a lot, and the more I contemplate the nasty effects of pride in my own life, I get more and more humbled with each discourse. Every day is a challenge for me in my quest to keep humility at the center of my life. Since the better part of my day is spent examining this or that, I can easily become ignorant, arrogant or, even worse, develop an inane sense of entitlement. These reoccurring defects rear their ugly heads at the most opportunistic of times.

The staging ground for such character flaws is pride, plain and simple. It's only through pride that I'm selfish, self-centered or self-seeking. If I'm humble, I am being selfless, God-centered and focused on other's needs. When I assume the world is designed to accompany me and me alone, my perspective is limited. In essence, I make a decision to operate independent of any higher power. Suddenly, and without warning, I'm thrust into a way of life that requires dependence on self and/or other people. I don't want to be selfish, but at the same time, I'm not willing to see the significance of my dilemma. In some cases, I refuse to examine the details until after the distress has worn me down to the bone.

Whether I like it or not, I'm simply not designed to go at it alone. I must be dependent on God, and nobody (including myself) can come before Him. Humans are fallible. God is infallible. Ideally, the smart move is to operate in life dependent on the One who is all-powerful and never failing. People fail me all the time. I fail me all the time. The solution is found in my willingness to trust God in every facet of my existence. I don't get it right all the time, but (again) that just proves that I am a human being.

As obvious as this fact is when described in this way, I still miss the mark. I instead choose to rely on someone who will, at some point in the future, let me down. This is an irresponsible decision on my part. Responsibility lies with doing what I know to be right, and I know that dependence on God is the 'right' choice. -But I choose the other route countless times a day. I suppose the best reminder to employ is that whole 'progress not perfection' bit. Responsibility is a bitch, but it is designed to keep me humble.

Assuming I continue down this path initiated by pride, I become indifferent and reluctant to change my attitudes and behaviors. I disregard my imperfections and limitations and focus entirely on perfection itself. Despite my past failures, I convince myself that, somehow, someway, things will be different this time. -And if I fail, the responsibility lies not with me, but with anyone or anything else that stands in my way. Fueled by contempt and disrespect, I have officially returned to that familiar state of insanity. Insane thinking can be divided into two main categories: A. Regretting/dwelling on the past, and B. Obsessing over the future. As a result, I spend most of my time missing out on today. Rather than living in the moment, I live in a dream world marked by unrealistic fantasies, a warped memory and random, disorganized thoughts that recycle endlessly into a greater chaos than what existed before.

Through all that deep, useless thinking, I begin to see the futility of it all. The best way to describe it is that sudden realization that the world is too big and too complicated for me. As much as I want to succeed in my endeavors, I begin to doubt anyone and anything I come in contact with. Trust is no longer a fixture. Faith is nowhere to be found. -And that's when that initial slice of fear creeps into my soul. It starts small and then grows like a wild fire. Sooner or later, Fear is what drives me; fear of failure, fear of rejection and fear of abandonment. Instead of functioning out of faith, I function out of fear. Every decision reeks of fear, revealing, in earnest, how afraid I am of the unknown. I validate this fear based on past experiences. It's a horrible way to live, but I still get caught up in it from time to time. Scared out of my mind, all thoughts and actions are like walking on pins and needles.

So, at this point, I can eject from this crashing plane by becoming aware of my fear and redirecting my focus towards God. -But, sooner if not later, I will choose to stay in my misery by manufacturing new energy from within in an attempt to control everyone and everything around me. This new energy is my self-will, and I keep telling myself, 'Matt, if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. You can't depend on anyone.' With a newfound determination, I press on. I begin to build expectations for myself and other people. 'If only everyone could do it my way, then everything would be right.'

As expected, but obviously not accepted, I become confused and overwhelmed. My days are stress bowls from sun up to sun down. My inner determination begins to dwindle and my hope for the future becomes bleak. -And then it happens....I fail....somebody fails me...someone rejects me...everyone abandons me. All it takes is one unexpected life experience to throw the proverbial wrench into my pride-fueled machine. I have effectively sabotaged myself, and I was doomed for disaster from the very start.

With no wind at my sails, my mind initiates the process of evaluating what went wrong. I am lonely, tired, frustrated and utterly disappointed. I have no trust for anyone because I have alienated everyone from my life. Instead of accepting that I have failed, I begin to believe that I am a failure. Through it all, I procrastinate on the most basic of responsibilities. My inner drive is gone and I become lazy and unreliable.

Again, I have an opportunity to escape the madness! -But rather than admitting defeat or asking for help, I start playing the infamous Blame and Shame Game. I can come up with any rationalization or justification to clear myself of any wrong doing, but shoulder tons of guilt at the same time. (How fucked up is that?) As long as there is a person on the planet who is smarter, stronger or more successful than I, I will pin all my wreckage on them. All the while, I'm also feeling like the worst person in the world. There is no logic behind my thinking. Analyzing and cross-examining every person in my life like a hawk, I begin making judgments against people to avoid taking responsibility for my own actions. I conspire to how I plan to 'get even' with all those people who made me fail, most especially my inner self.

-And there it is...Resentment, that No. 1 offender. Resentment is what will make me vulnerable to temptation and that's when I start causing destruction in my own life and in the lives of others. I give up in life and become obsessed with revenge. The insanity increases ten-fold and the only thing that can save me is to achieve oblivion. My relapse is complete. In resentment, I am the worst version of myself, a person who is blind to truth. One can only imagine the infinite number of possible negative consequences that may result...health problems, divorce, abuse...even death.

The cycle described above is how I get from Pride to Resentment. Sometimes it all transpires over weeks or months, but sometimes it strikes in a matter of seconds. My brain is very powerful, and my subconscious will convince me of shit that sends me packing even before I have a chance to stop it in its tracks. -But at any point in my suffering, I have a choice to stop the progression and come back to that state of Humility. Desperation, acceptance and gratitude are my tickets to humility. Over time, that humility leads to a life filled with wholeness, peace and serenity - a life free from fear and resentment. Honesty and humility are practiced, not perfected. I still occasionally lie, cheat and steal (like everyone else in this world), but I no longer allow my defects of character to run my life. I know I am flawed. I know I can't do this on my own.

And this is why I make an effort to remain honest with my close friends. This is why I don't gossip about other people. This is why I focus on other people's needs ahead of my own, and avoid grandstanding. Most importantly, this is why God is the most important figure in my life. You see, I don't believe in God to impress anyone. I believe in God because He is only one who can save me from myself.